A New Life: Act 1
by Quwinntessa Starber
Summary: Finished! 3x4 Torn by family, duty, and love, Quatre must end a life long battle with the demons of his past, and Trowa must be the strong to protect the one who loves him. But is their love strong enough to stay together?
1. Prologue

"DAMNIT, CIJEN!"  
  
The outburst took the four Gundam pilots completely by surprise as they entered the main conference room of the Preventers. It wasn't the sound, or even the rage that surrounded the statement, but the fact that Quatre Raberba Winner was the one that said it. He sat in one of the many conference chairs that surrounded a large, round, wooden table. Facing a vid-com, his blond bangs prevented him from noticing the entrance of his friends, but didn't hinder them from noting whom their quiet friend was talking too.  
  
The vid-com showed a long table, around which sat over two dozen women, ranging in age from their mid forties to mid twenties, Quatre's sisters. In front of each and every one of them were stacks and stacks of papers, glasses of water, and computer screens. Like the four boys, Quatre's sisters were all in stunned silence, their faces showing their emotions clearly.  
  
Quatre's head was down, his chin nearly resting on his chest; his breath was labored, as if he were trying—unsuccessfully—to stop the shakes of rage that poured off of him. Finally, after nearly a minute of silence, he spoke.  
  
"What I choose is just that, my own choice. I will not be dictated to and instructed in how I will live my life, do you understand?" There was a deadly calm in his voice, the fury barely hidden under the surface where he'd so neatly tucked it. Cijen didn't notice.  
  
"No I don't understand, Quatre! This isn't just about you, this is about the whole family, and I for one will not be humiliated any further because of you."  
  
Quatre took a deep breath, hoping to calm himself, but to no avail. Iria's voice cut through his concentration, and he again felt the rage boil.  
  
"That's enough Cijen! Quatre we didn't call you to start an argument, you're entirely right, what you choose to do, and who you choose to do it with is entirely up to you!"  
  
"That's Bullshit and you know it, Iria!" Cijen stood, hands pressed against the table in front of her, papers flying everywhere in her anger. "Everything he does effects us! He's our heir, and he has to face responsibility for everything he does, as such! He drags our name through the sewer every time he's seen in public with that—that no-breed boy of his!" She stopped looking at Iria, and turned her attention to Quatre. "And now, Little Brother, you want me to understand you! You want all of us to accept your "CHOICE". That isn't going to happen, Quatre, and you know why?! Because no one else will accept it! High society will not accept it! You're the laughing stock of the entire colonies, parading around that no-breed like he was a prize peacock! You've disgraced us all, Quatre! It's a good thing Father is dead—"  
  
"Cijen! How dare you! How dare you presume to know what Father would have thought—"  
  
"Shut up, Seeafa! You and I, and everyone here know what Father wanted. Why the hell else would he put a Will together like this?! Um? You tell me that! Father knew Quatre was a disgrace from the very beginning, he knew he would bring us all down in the end, and this was his way of trying to prevent our families destruction! I will not loose everything!" Cijen looked back at Quatre, death in her eyes. "Do you understand me Quatre! I will not loose everything I own because you "CHOOSE" to be fucked like a dog!"  
  
"ENOUGH!" Quatre saw red as he stood, his chair toppling over in the rush. "I have said all I will say on this matter! If you're so interested in how I spend my evenings, I'll have a video made for you!" A startled gasp came from the vid-com, but Quatre didn't notice. "Who I choose to spend my time with, or even my bed, is none of anyone's business. I will not be shoved into a corner. High society—as you so graciously put it, Cijen—will accept anything I throw at it, because I control more of the goings on in outer space than even Queen Relena! If I want to have Trowa," he emphasized his lovers name, "escort me to board meetings, or even the cocktail parties afterwards, then by god I will!  
  
"And as for the way Father saw me, I should think it's quite obvious. I thank you Iria and Seeafa, for trying to defend me, but it's true, our father did not agree with most things I did; and he most certainly did not agree with my choice in company. However, I disobeyed Father on more than one occasion, and this will be no different."  
  
"What are you talking about, Quatre! This is not something you can simply ignore and make go away! You've known for years what Fathers Will stated, and you chose to ignore it! Now you have no choice but to face it!" Cijen took a deep breath, and along with her, her sisters also, their futures rode on what she said next.  
  
"Perhaps your right, Quatre. Your choices in sexual partners may be a disgrace to us all, but it only dirties our name, not destroys it. But this, your constant refusal to do what needs to be done, will surely destroy us all! The fact still remains Quatre, you have less than a year to produce a child, or your entire fortune—our entire fortune—will be liquefied and scattered across the colonies. Father's Will was very specific, you will produce an heir by your 21st birthday, or everything our father and his fathers before him, worked so hard to obtain, will be simply given away to a pacifist group. We cannot allow that to happen!"  
  
Quatre was quiet, he still stood by the com-unit, his hands clenched on either side of it, knuckles white with pressure. He shifted, intending to pace a few feet to clear his head, when he caught sight of his friends in the doorway, and froze in stunned shame.  
  
On their faces ranged anger, shock, and rage. But on the one face he needed clarification for, there was no emotion. Trowa stood stock still, his arms crossed over his chest, and the bangs that fell over half of his face concealed the expression Quatre needed to see. He looked to him, pleading eyes searching for some sign of Trowa's true emotion; was he disappointed that he had not defended him better, or angry because now he knew, knew the secret that Quatre had been keeping for almost five years.  
  
His father had always been worried that he craved the attention of other boys around him. Quatre himself had received all the womanly affection he could possibly want from the younger of his sisters, so it seemed only natural, to him at least, to want to spend time with boys his own age. However, as he got older, the attention he sought changed from comradeship to something deeper and more meaningful. He would never in his life forget the cold, hate filled stares of those attending the Gala Ball his father threw every year, when Quatre—only twelve—had brought his friend EnLoy to the party, and held his hand. EnLoy was of course not interest in Quatre as anything more than a friend, and neither was Quatre, but he had caused the scene of the year. Since that fateful night, his father had tried unsuccessfully to steer him in more than one young woman's direction. Finally it would seem, his father had had enough.  
  
The Will Mr. Winner had drawn up, was revised after the war had taken Quatre away from his family, but Section G, Paragraph 8, Lines 15-25 had not been changed for many years. They stated in no uncertain terms that Quatre was to have a child, failure to do so would result in the liquidation of his family's assets, and the entire fortune to be given to a worthy pacifist group. Quatre saw his father killing two birds with one stone in this proposal. With only two options, his father had forced him to either bed a woman in the hopes of conceiving, or to use genetics; the production of a baby through a test-tub using one male and one female donor; effectively forcing Quatre to commit his fathers sin against him again, to protect his family.  
  
The lawyers had first read the Will to himself and his 29 sisters during that brief period of time when Quatre had returned to outer space searching for Trowa. But then he was only 16 and had more than enough time to consider a bed of convenience. That had all changed later when he had finally found Trowa. The two of them had begun a new friendship in light of Trowa's memory loss. But once his memory had returned, the new emotions he had experienced with Quatre, merged with the ones he had forgotten, to produce something warm and safe to the young mercenary. When the war ended they had worked together as Perventers, and it had just happened.  
  
Both of them realized that such a relationship—while acceptable in the colonies—was not smiled upon on Earth or high society. So they had kept it a secret from everyone, even the other three pilots. It wasn't until Duo had gotten completely drunk one night and started talking about the injustice of having to hide he and Heero's relationship, that Quatre and Trowa had decided to tell their friends. They were more than a little surprised when Heero only gave them a faint smile, and Duo remarked "Well duh!" Wufei had nodded his head in understanding and returned to he and Sally's quarters.  
  
Since then both he and Trowa, and Heero and Duo, had become open about their relationships around each other. Quatre remembered fondly the times when Duo would come to him seeking advice on how to get Heero to open up, and the two of them would bounce ideas off of each other as to some new or amazingly romantic thing to show their love deprived partners how they felt. In their home, the Preventers headquarters, he and Trowa were safe.  
  
But as time moved on and his 21st birthday drew closer, his sisters began demanding he give more thought to having the child. "The" child. To them it was nothing more than a means to an end. He couldn't bear the idea of having a child to secure a fortune he didn't even want. But he loved his sisters, he'd fought in a war and destroyed his soul for them, he wanted to protect them, even against this. So he had hired attorneys, dozens of them, to go over the Will letter by letter in the hopes of finding a loophole they could use. But after nearly a year of cross- examinations, they had determined there were no loopholes.  
  
During that time, Quatre had solidified his resolution to not produce a child genetically. That said nothing of Trowa. Dear, beloved Trowa, Quatre loved and cherished him more than he could possibly ever put into enough beautiful words; he would not betray Trowa, he would take no other lover, not even for one night, not even to protect his sisters.  
  
Which left him in the spot he now resided. His sisters were desperate, attacking his relationship with Trowa for lack of any other means of outlet. What they hoped to accomplish, he didn't know, surely they didn't think attacking his lover would strengthen their case for him to have a child, but that didn't seem to dissuade their cheep shots and hateful words. He would never understand why family would stand against family. The Maganac, and even the other pilots cared for and gave him more support than his own family. Even Heero had more kind words for him than his own flesh and blood.  
  
He looked to Trowa again, hoping against hope to see something in the one beautiful eye that was always visible, but usually gave away nothing. Quatre knew that Trowa often felt ashamed that he could not show him more of himself, but after nearly five years, Quatre had no complaints as to how much he knew of his lover. There were some things Trowa would never be able to tell him, and some things he would never be able to express to him, but regardless, Quatre loved him, wanted to spend the rest of his life trying to show Trowa that fact again and again.  
  
Quatre heard his sister call his name, Cijen wanted his attention, demanded that he answer her. Instead Quatre moved across the room to stand in front of Trowa. His expression was open showing his beloved the pain he felt for not being able to defend him properly against his sisters verbal attack. He presented his inner turmoil at the idea of creating a child for no purpose but to save a fortune. Quatre bared his soul, and waited for sentence.  
  
The hand that suddenly touched his face was warm, moist, attesting to it being held in a clenched fist for quite some time. Opening his eyes, Quatre was greeted by the sight of Trowa, leaning in to place a soft kiss on his forehead. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Heero walk over to the vid-com and without saying a word to his sisters, put them on hold. Quatre smiled a thanks to his quiet friend, and turned back to Trowa.  
  
"You may explain now or later, but if you don't explain now, I will not let you return to that call." There was concern in Trowa's voice, not anger or hate, and Quatre couldn't help the welling of relieved and yet frustrated tears from prickling behind his eyes.  
  
He nodded his head, before taking a deep breath, "My fathers Will states that I must produce an heir by my 21st birthday, or everything that my family has will be lost. My sisters—"  
  
"You mean the bitches!" Duo interjected, quiet for far too long, forced to watch his best friend ridiculed by the ones that should love him most.  
  
"Yes, perhaps. They feel that I am being foolish by refusing to either," he paused, looking away from Trowa's lovely face, "bed a woman, or have a child genetically. I have refused both options, and now it seems my family will lose their fortune. As you could probably guess, they are less than happy about the prospects."  
  
"Hateful women! They have no honor, no pride in family!" Wufei exclaimed, anger flashing through is eyes. He and Wufei had not often seen eye to eye on many matters, but that didn't prevent them from being friends. Wufei fought for justice, honor, and the spirit of a warrior, he would not let Quatre down.  
  
Heero returned to their small circle, and placed a hand on Quatre's arm. Turning, Quatre regarded Heero and noted the sad expression on his face. Heero was often doing that now, allowing emotion to dance across his face when in the safe company of his friends. Now it worried Quatre, as Heero spoke, "They know how you feel about Trowa, and your opinion on artificial birth?" Quatre nodded his head, "Then there isn't anything to discuss, they should be preparing for the inevitable."  
  
"But that's just it Heero! How can I—how can I ask them to give up all that they have simply because I don't want to do something! I—I don't know how to justify my needs to their many!"  
  
"Quatre, man it's real simple. It's your sperm, tell them to fuck off!" Life was so simple for Duo.  
  
Quatre shook his head, hoping one of his famous strategies would present its self, but it didn't help.  
  
Then suddenly Trowa spoke, "What does your heart tell you to do, Quatre?"  
  
He looked at Trowa, a stunned expression on his face. He should have known that Trowa would understand, would give him the best means to finding an answer. Trowa knew of his empathic abilities, the ones that often gave him such advantage in discerning Trowa's emotions. Trowa was telling him to let his emotions guide him in his decision.  
  
Quatre closed his eyes, blocking out the outside world, as he stepped into that dark place that housed his talent. He let his thoughts surround the facts, listing his emotional pleas and categorizing them by priorities. He examine the emotions he'd received from his sisters, and weighed them against the ones he felt from himself, Trowa, and his other friends. They were all, in some way, effected by his decision, their opinions mattered.  
  
When he finally opened his eyes, he looked to Trowa and gave his love a weak smile. Standing on his toes, he leaned up and gave him a quick chase kiss before moving from his embrace and back to the vid-com.  
  
Taking the call off hold he watched his sisters arguing amongst themselves. He shook his head and waited for them to note his return to the call. One by one, they noticed his return, and took their seats. When at last even Cijen and Iria had made their way back to their chairs, Quatre began a statement that brought him almost as much pain as destroying the colony in L4.  
  
"Your lack of compassion and understanding has greatly surprised me. I had always considered myself very lucky to have so many sisters to love and care for me. But now it seems they have all turned away, and instead of words of love, bombard me with ones of hate and contempt. For the pain you say I caused you, for the disgrace you say I brought upon the family name, I ask your forgiveness. But I will not apologize for my decisions. I will not apologize for falling in love with Trowa, or for wanting the world to know how happy he makes me. I would have hoped that my dearest sisters would understand and accept my feelings, loving me regardless of society's norms, but that doesn't appear to be the way things will happen. I feel great sadness that I cannot turn to you, Cijen, or you Liteea for comfort or even for something as simple as a kind word. But if that is the way it must be, then so be it.  
  
"Now, you ask me to decide the fate of this family that has turned its back on me. You ask me to have a child for no purpose other than to secure your own children's inheritance, and that is something I will not do." An uproar started in the L4 colony as his sisters began to yell at each other and him. Quatre waited for them to quiet before he continued, ignoring all that had been said to him, and the deadly looks from Cijen and some of the others. "None of you can understand the feeling that comes with knowing you were created not out of love, but out of purpose. Luckily, you had mothers that cared for and loved you, and in most cases you had each other's mothers to lean on. Also Father, held each one of you in his heart. I can remember seeing picture after picture lining the walls of his office, your faces looking back at him with smiles of love. You cannot comprehend what it means to know your existence is nothing more than a last resort of an aging man's desire to care for his beloved daughters. I never deceived myself in thinking I was more than I was to him, and now his Will only proves it. But I will not allow a child of my body grow up believing that he or she was created. When or if, I ever decide to have a child it will be when Trowa and I decide the time is right, and then we—the two of us alone—will decide the best means to accomplish the task.  
  
"To this end, my decision is to ignore Father's Will. This means that we have less than a year to make arrangements for 879 Trillion credits. All assets, stocks, bonds, and floating credits are to be liquidated, so states the Will. So as a means of precaution, and to allow for you to maintain some semblance of the lifestyles you have become accustomed to, I will hire the best attorneys the Earth has to offer, and attempt to shelter a vast amount of credits from the liquidation. This will by no means prevent the greater part of our fortune from dissolving, so I suggest you each decide on a plan of personal action. Whatever credits the lawyers are able to shelter will be divided into 29 equal parts and distributed to each of you the day before my 21st birthday. I am personally happy with the amount of funds I have currently, and will not take purchase in the dividing of assets.  
  
"I suggest you get together at some future date, and decided what pacifist group you would like the majority of the funds to go to. Choose wisely, for whichever group you do decide, will have more power in the colonies and on Earth than any other pacifist group. I would ask that you look into the newly developing Sanc kingdom, which is gaining the most headway in terms of lasting peace. If you would like, I will even set up an appointment for you to speak with Queen Relena Peacecraft.  
  
"I know most of you must feel betrayed, but please try to understand that I am not doing this out of malice, but honor. I feel it is my duty to protect and love any child, or woman I would chose to have a child with; and the very idea of creating life for credits has absolutely no honor in it. My hope is that one day you will all see this, and eventually come to understand it.  
  
"That is all I have to say on the matter. Should you need to contact me again, to either discuss what the lawyers have come up with, or to simply speak to your brother, I will be more than happy. I do hope that time will heal our broken family, but my heart tells me that I have forever divided you, and for that I will be eternally sorry. May Allah protect and guide you all in your choices ahead.  
  
"Quatre out."  
  
The call ended, and with it, Quatre felt a sense of loss so great, he could hardly prevent the sobs that shook his, small body. Strong arms supported and cradled him as Quatre leaned into Trowa, and allowed his taller partner to hold him. He could hear Duo and Heero talking quietly in the back ground, as Trowa began to softly offer words of affection and encouragement. It seemed pointless though, as Quatre could only mumble over and over, "What have I done."  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
Some hours later found Quatre sitting quietly in his room having a cup of tea. He felt Trowa's presence behind him, "Come sit, Trowa. I should explain a little more to you."  
  
Trowa moved from his place by the wall. Often times he had simply stood against it, watching Quatre enjoying a cup of tea and looking out the window. He never seemed to get enough of the vision of blond hair and pale porcelain skin. His greatest joy in life was watching Quatre sleep, mesmerized by the slight rise and fall of his chest, letting him know again and again that this wasn't a dream he'd created for himself, that there lying beside him at night was truly an angel, his angel.  
  
He took the offered seat, and the tiny teacup Quatre always seemed to have handy. Memories of he and Quatre moving all of the Arabians things into the rooms they now shared invaded his thoughts. He remembered how he'd accidentally dropped the box containing all of Quatre's beautiful bone china teacups. Guilt had overcome him, but Quatre had merle laughed and told him not to worry, he hadn't particularly like that set anyway. Trowa remembered Quatre's face when, a few days later, he had presented him with an old and worn tea set.  
  
"A long time ago, this was mine. Now I want you to have it." Quatre hadn't been able to mask the emotion on his face; instead they had washed the set out and had a beautiful cup of tea before returning to their room. That night had been amazing, both giving and receiving pleasure beyond anything that had come before it. Later Quatre had said, "Thank you for the tea set Trowa, but I'm afraid I can't accept it." He had been visibly upset—which is a very rare occurrence—but Quatre knew what he was doing. "Since we decided to move in together, all that I have is yours, and all that you have is mine. Therefore I don't need to be given your beautiful tea set," he smiled, "I already have it." God how he loved this boy.  
  
"I'm sure you have a lot of questions you want answered. Maybe it would be best to start with those. What—what can I tell you, Trowa?" There was a nervousness in his voice that Trowa didn't like. Quatre had always been open with him, more so than he ever was with Quatre. But now he seemed guarded, like he was afraid of the questions Trowa was going to ask, afraid he wouldn't like the answers. Trowa needed Quatre to understand that it didn't matter, none of this mattered, his sisters and high society could go to Hell for all he cared, all that mattered was him, his angel of salvation.  
  
"Quatre, I'd like to understand exactly what has happened. I had no idea your father's Will had this stipulation to it. I'm," he paused, "I guess I'm sad that you didn't trust me enough to tell me—"  
  
"Oh God Trowa, it isn't that! Please, oh please don't think that. This had nothing to do with trust. I—I couldn't tell you. I didn't want you to have to bear the same—I didn't want you to worry about something you couldn't fix. I wanted to tell you, but what was the point, it was just something I had to do—do on my own."  
  
"I didn't mean to sound accusing. I only want to be there for you when you need me. Quatre," the boy across from him looked up, "You did need me."  
  
He saw him nod his head before turning to look out the window. When he looked back he was calmer, more collected, more like the Quatre he knew, a complete and utter mask. "No Quatre! Don't do that with me, don't hide from me." He moved from his seat to kneel before his lover. Resting his hands gently on the blondes' knees, Trowa watched the inner battle that raged in Quatre. Whether to let his lover in, or keep him out, so many decisions…  
  
"Let me help you, Beloved. In five years you have never asked more from me than to stay by your side, and I have asked you to accept a man that can barely show you his feelings, let alone his love." Quatre made to protest but Trowa's gentle fingers on his lips silenced him, "I know my own short- comings, and I know yours to. Too often you try to take the burden of the world onto your shoulders. Now is not the time to do such a thing. Tell me what is going on, the details; let me take some of the burden."  
  
"No Trowa, I can't. You've been through so much, worse things that I can even imagine, things that even our love may never heal. My problems are so petty, so ridiculous! I won't ask you to do any more than you already have." He placed his hands over Trowa's, "You've done so much already, not condemning me for withholding information from you. That you—" his voice caught in his throat, "Can even stand to be here with me after everything I've done…means so much…"  
  
Trowa stood, pulling Quatre with him. He moved over to his own chair and sat, pulling Quatre into his arms, his head to the crook of his neck. "Listen to me Quatre. I may not be very good with words, and there are times like this that I wish I were, but listen with your heart, and you'll understand." The Arabian nodded and he continued. "I have spent the better part of my life with nothing, but I'll never forget the day you called to me over the com-unit. I'll never forget that when I came out, the first thing you said was for me to put my hands down, that you had surrendered first. You have always been the one to sacrifice, Quatre. You went against the wishes of your family and society so that I could attend that party. You allowed yourself to become an outcast simply so I could see what an ice sculpture looked like. I thought perhaps people talked about us, but when you said nothing, I assumed it was my imagination, now I find out, all these months later, that your beautiful act of kindness, cost you more than I could have known.  
  
"Now I find out your sisters have condemned you, struck out against you, berated and humiliated you, and you never once complained, never told me of your pain. I wish you had come to me, if not about the Will, then at least for comfort." He paused, "But I guess you have. All those nights when you came and curled into my lap for no apparent reason, when you acted so out of character and blamed it on 'lingering sadness,' now I understand. Your sisters, and the rest of the world, I'm so sorry Quatre, sorry I didn't realized what they were doing to you."  
  
"It's not your fault, Trowa. I've become pretty good at ignoring what people say about me, it comes with the territory."  
  
"Perhaps, but you should never have to hide such things from me." He ran his fingers through his lovers' hair, brushing the blond strands from his face. "This child," he felt Quatre stiffen in his arms and cursed his ineloquence, "He or she must be your biological child?" He felt Quatre nod, "I," he paused, collecting his thoughts, "I would not be opposed to a child of your body, Quatre. If you are doing this out of some sense that I will be angered by you conceiving with another, you shouldn't, I would, and do understand."  
  
"No Trowa, it isn't that, though I will admit I was worried. I don't feel right about sleeping with another, be them man or woman. You are the one I love, you're all I need. I have no complaints and no regrets." Quatre raised his hand to Trowa's face, pulling back slightly to look into his eyes, "You are more than I ever could have imagined, and so much more than I deserve. Everyday you fill me with more joy and hope then I ever dreamed possible." Leaning forward, Quatre kissed him. Trowa felt himself leaning into the kiss, using it to express all the feelings of inadequacy he felt.  
  
When they released each other, he pulled Quatre's head back to his shoulder. "I have never believed in god, never seen any evidence that there was such a being. But I thank the stars—dying suns thousands of miles away—every night that you came to me, that we met. I have never figured out what I did to deserve you, but I…I just need you to know you can come to me, Quatre. You don't always have to be the strong one."  
  
He felt Quatre nod against his chest before he spoke, "Thank you, Trowa. I already knew, I did, I just didn't see any way you could offer assistance. But you're right I should have at least come to you, I'm sorry. I appreciate your willingness to—well to accept any child I could have, but that's not what I want to do. Someday when you and I are ready we can talk about it and make big plans about adoption or what not, maybe even a genetic on your side, a little girl with brown hair and long bangs." They both smiled at the idea. "I just—after all that's happened, I don't think I could ever create a child, I never want to even think about a genetic birth. I know how that can feel for a child…" He trailed off, and Trowa could see the pain reflected in the pale blue of his partners eyes.  
  
"When the time comes, we'll decide."  
  
"Oh Trowa, so many things are going to change. You should know a few things, like the fact that I've set up about twenty different bank accounts all over the Earth and the colonies with credits set aside for you. I knew long in advance what my father's Will would say, and I've been setting things up for you, for that reason and just in case something happened to me. I wanted you protected. I've done basically the same for all five of us, so there's money to be had. It isn't the fortune the name 'Winner' is legendary for, but you and I will never want for anything. Still you should know, I won't have infinite amounts of credits at my disposal—"  
  
"Quatre, I don't care about the money. All I care about is you. Talk to me, tell me how your hurting."  
  
Quatre sighed, defeat in his voice, "I will. But not now Trowa, it's still too soon, and I'm so tired now."  
  
Gently, Trowa lifted the now quiet Quatre up, and moved over to the bed they had shared for the last three years. Carefully he pulled back the covers and placed his lover on the dark blue silk sheets. Reaching for the buttons on his shirt, he undid them all and after removing it, shifted to his pants. When every article of clothing was stripped from his body, save his black silk boxers, Trowa removed his own clothing and snuggled in behind him. Lacing his arms about the smaller boy. Trowa held him close until he was sure sleep had claimed him. Then with a heavy heart, Trowa followed suit, allowing sleep to steal over him, but his mind continued to run scenario after scenario of one dead blond woman after another. No one hurt his Quatre, not even his lovers' own sisters. They would pay for what they had done to Quatre; there was no question about it. 


	2. Chapter 1 Six Months Later

"Did you see Quatre last night? He looked terrible! Poor Trowa had to hold him up. That isn't even remotely like Quatre, he's never, ever been like this, it's because he has to see them again today! It's all his sister's faults, those bitches!" Duo slammed into the room and threw himself onto the bed he and Heero had shared since they'd entered into the Preventers. He turned his head to see Heero looking worriedly at him, "This is just bad Heero. It's been five months since he told them where to go, and still they're hounding him. It's eating him up, and even Trowa can't seem to help." He paused when he saw Heero open his mouth to speak.  
  
"Have you noticed Trowa's changes as well?"  
  
"Changes? What do you mean?"  
  
Heero paused and examine what he was about to say, "It's like he…he's had to become someone different for Quatre." Again he paused. He wasn't good at analyzing emotions, it wasn't something the perfect solider had needed to know how to do, not something allowed in his training with Dr. J. But now Heero drew on the knowledge Duo had taught him, the difference between pain and everything else. "Trowa has become more…assertive, more in charge of their relationship since this thing with the Will."  
  
"Yeah, that's because Quatre, can't tell up from down. His sisters call him all the time, demanding to speak with him, not trusting the lawyers he's hired. I mean honestly have you ever seen a guy try so hard to protect people that hate his guts." Suddenly Duo looked to Heero, and gulped. Standing from his position on the bed, he moved to the couch Heero was on and sat beside him, resting a hand on his thigh.  
  
"What am I talking about? Of course you understand, you damn near died a hundred times to save a bunch of people that didn't know you from Adam and still hated the ground you walked on! I can be such a baka at times!" Duo leaned forward and rested his head on Heero's shoulder, asking some measure of forgiveness from his lover for his foolish words.  
  
Lifting Duo's chin, Heero placed a soft kiss on his lips before continuing. "I know what you meant, and I know you're worried about Quatre. He's your best friend, and I understand you wanting him to be safe. I guess…I relate to Trowa much better than I do Quatre, I'm not sure why—"  
  
"'Cause you're both too quiet for your own sanity!"  
  
Heero glared at him and continued, "Maybe I see Trowa's agony more than Quatre's. It hurts him to know that Quatre is in so much pain that their roles have had to be reversed. Trowa's doing his best to cover the gap, but he still thinks Quatre's pushing him away."  
  
"Yeah, Quatre's always been the one to help others, but when he's needed help himself, he doesn't want to be a burden. He can be so stubborn, actually he's a lot like you." Duo punctuated the remark, lightly jabbing a finger into Heero's chest. "Quatre doesn't want Trowa to get hurt, which is exactly what he thinks is going to happen if he hears the things his sisters and the," he lifted his nose in the air, "High and mighty social elite, are saying about them. Damn! It really pisses me off that people can't just accept love, no matter what it looks like. It's so rare anyway, you gotta take it anyway you can get it." He smiled at Heero, then shifted and placed himself into his lovers' lap.  
  
Duo ran his fingers across Heero's face, over the bridge of his nose and up his cheek before curling his hand around the base of his neck and drawing the other into a deep kiss. Powerfully their tongues met and dueled for dominance. This game had been played many times, both loved the challenge of deciding who would be the victor of the mock battle; neither one liked to loose.  
  
Finally Duo conceded, letting Heero win as an apology for his earlier comment. Resting his head on Heero's slim shoulder, he returned to the topic at hand. "Have you talked with Trowa about any of this? You know, how he's basically become the one who gives all the attention. Did you see Quatre the last time his sisters showed up! Trowa walked him around for days, leading him by the hand, putting him to bed. That's nothing like Quatre! I mean, I remember Quatre having to do those things for Trowa, back before the two of them really started working all the kinks out of his past. I'm not saying Quatre ran his life or anything, but it was always so obvious, Quatre said, and Trowa willingly followed. Now--now I don't know what's going on, but I do know it's killing both of them."  
  
"Trowa's always been quite, I'd almost say docile, but not quite. He didn't mind following Quatre, he knew he'd never lead him astray. Now they're both fumbling; I think because Trowa doesn't know exactly what to do, and Quatre's in no condition to help him learn what to do."  
  
"I know, like you and me. I taught you all that great stuff, and you just listened. It was great! But the best part was when you turned the tables on me, and used everything I'd taught you, on me instead." Duo closed his eyes in remembrance, "Man what a night, what a night!" Heero smiled, "But it was different back then, you let me teach you things. Your right, Trowa's having to learn all this on his own, and I don't think—not that I don't believe in him or anything—but he just doesn't have the means to learn it. Like I don't think you would have ever even considered being open about any relationship you could have been in, if it wasn't for me telling you all the time how wonderful it was that we were together. What do you think?" Duo lifted his head and regarded Heero.  
  
Heero nodded, "Sometimes I look back over the first years we were together, and wonder why you stayed with me. I didn't know how to tell you how I felt, or even how to show it without hurting you half the time." Heero placed a hand lovingly against Duo's face, "There were so many times I wanted to tell you, but there weren't any words, I didn't know them. I was never taught them until you showed them to me; which is exactly what's wrong with Trowa. He and I were never suppose to survive the war, we weren't even expected to make it through half of it. I…I understand how much this is hurting him. I just don't know how to help him."  
  
"Me either Heero, me either."  
  
The visitor chimes sounded, drawing the pair from their inner pain. Duo stood from Heero's lap, and pressed the unlock code into the keypad. As the door swooshed aside, Wufei, emerged from the other side. "We need to talk." He said as he entered the room and moved past Duo to one of the chairs by Heero. Settling himself, he waited for Duo to lock the keypad again and return to his seat beside Heero.  
  
"Did you know those dishonorable women were here again?" At the pair's nod he continued, "Did you see Trowa escort them off the premises, at gun point?"  
  
"What?!" Both Duo and Heero were shocked. Over the last few years all of the pilots had sworn off as much violence as possible. Besides the occasional terrorist crisis, their jobs had gone from "seek and destroy" to "patrol and avoid." They even had their own small group of soldiers left over from the war to fight their battles for them. While Heero and Wufei had hated that notion, it generally sat fine with Duo and Quatre; with Trowa to simply shrug it off.  
  
But this, this was nothing like the Trowa they knew.  
  
"You're kidding right, Trowa would never do that! He wouldn't want to upset Quatre."  
  
"Quatre had already dismissed them, or more accurately been dismissed by them. Trowa returned him to their rooms, and then came back with his gun drawn. I don't know how much honor was in it, but it was a damn good show." Wufei smiled, just a little, remembering their faces.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
Gun hidden in the waistband of his tight jeans, Trowa entered the main conference room. Just a few minutes before, he'd had to half drag, and carry Quatre from this very room. Again his sisters had returned, bringing with them, enough lawyers to practically fill the room. They'd told his beloved, that his choice in lawyers was unacceptable, and that they—through a majority vote that in reality held no basis—had decided to dismiss them in favor of their own.  
  
Trowa had watched the dejected look enter Quatre's eyes, before he'd nodded his head and allowed the change. That was when the worst of it had started.  
  
Ever since that terrible day, when he and the other three pilots had found out about his father's Will, Quatre had become withdrawn. No longer was he the beautiful blond hared boy that lit up Trowa's existence, instead he was a shell, that was slowly, day by day, dying.  
  
Even after their talk, Quatre still would not come to him about his sisters. He'd tried everything he knew to get Quatre to open up to him. Attempt, after botched attempt, Quatre had simply pulled more and more away from him. The young man that would so often leave Trowa flowers, or little notes of affection, now only seemed to sit and wait for his sister's next visit.  
  
After a particularly hateful visit, Trowa had told the guards that none of Quatre's sisters were allowed on the premises ever again. For a month, Quatre was free of them, and in that time, he seemed to be more like his old self, smiling and joking with Duo; even managing a way to get Heero to the local shopping center for some new clothes. But the change was most apparent to Trowa.  
  
When he and Quatre had first entered into their relationship, it had been Quatre who gave, and Trowa—who had little experience in such matters—who received. He never really thought Quatre minded, in fact, his blond lover had reveled in the ability to surprise him at every turn, either with a quick kiss when no one was looking, or an innocent touch when in larger crowds. Their lovemaking was like the rest of their relationship, Quatre would begin, and Trowa, eager to please, would follow. It wasn't that Quatre dominated him, no in fact he often made it a point that Trowa would have to make some of the more important choices; the biggest being the decision to finally decide they were ready.  
  
Quatre had been patient with him, allowing Trowa the time he needed to get over past experiences, and build new ones with his beloved. The night Trowa had placed the past where it belonged was amazing. He and Quatre had joined as one, their passions for each other consuming them, and brought an act he'd seen only has disgusting and painful, to something beautiful and loving, something he knew for the rest of his life he would save only for Quatre.  
  
In the month that the guards had turned his sisters away, Quatre had again begun to open up to him. For the first time in months, Quatre had initiated their coupling. Serving wine, cheese, and grapes on a bed of pillows, he'd begged Trowa's forgiveness during this 'hard time', before they both gave into temptation. Their lovemaking had been fast and hard, born from desperation to show the other that they still cared. Both had given and taken, and after they had reached that place where stars were born, they laid together, wrapped in a warm embrace by a roaring fire.  
  
But it couldn't last forever. One of Quatre's sisters finally managed to corner him while he was in the city without any of his friends. She'd caused a scene, accusing him of being a worthless brother that couldn't even allow their calls. She'd said more, things that had ingrained Cijen's name into Trowa's brain, and caused him to see her death over and over again.  
  
When Quatre had finally returned to the complex, there had been no stopping him. He'd barreled through the door to their rooms, ignoring the other pilots, and hit Trowa, square in the jaw. Duo and Wufei each took one of his arms, but even the two of them had had a hard time restraining the usually calm boy. He would never forget the pain he'd experienced, not the physical—that didn't even register in his brain—no, the pain of Quatre's anger. His lover had damned him, cursed his name, and accused him of not understanding, of coming between his sisters and himself. When his voice had given out, he still continued, saying that he could never understand, didn't have a family like his, would never know how much this was killing him.  
  
Trowa had gone to him then, and Quatre had not protested, his body had seemed lifeless, as Trowa had placed him into his arms, and carried him to the bed. His only remark, to the entire situation was, "I know." A few minutes later, Quatre had passed out from sheer exhaustion.  
  
Since that day, Quatre had allowed his sisters to completely monopolize his time. When he wasn't patrolling, or doing paperwork, he was being ridiculed by his barrage of sisters. But he never complained, never stood against them. Quatre had once said he couldn't, "They're my sisters Trowa. I fought, and in a way destroyed my soul to protect them. Everything I've done, everyone I killed and saved, was for them. I have to believe they're good people, I have too. If I don't, then everything I fought for was a lie, everything I destroyed to protect them, was meaningless, or worse, dishonorable."  
  
But this day, in the conference room, had been the last straw. Cijen, along with about ten of this other sisters, had accused him of not being able to make a single decision on his own.  
  
"My God Quatre, do you take that boy with you where ever you go! He's probably the reason you're doing all of this, isn't he. Tell me Trowa, just how good is our little brother, hm?"  
  
He'd stood, ready to finally be done with it. No one hurt his Quatre, no one! But Quatre had placed his hand on his arm. The touch was so light, as if he really didn't want to have to be the one to stop him. A slight shake of his blond head, and he'd returned to his seat, turning his body towards Quatre's, hoping to lend him some of his strength and an ounce of protection. But it wasn't over.  
  
"No really Trowa—I assume you'd prefer me to call you by your name instead of mongrel—I'm curious, tell me, exactly how much is my little brother paying you to stay by his side now that he's thrown his fortune to the dogs? Well actually, now that I think about it, he's actually thrown it all to you, now hasn't he? Quatre never was much of a man, so I have to assume that a no-breed like you has to take it any way he can get it, that or Quatre is paying you very, very well for…services rendered."  
  
Quatre had stood then, he seemed to struggle to stand, as if just listening to his sisters had completely drained all of the strength from his body. "Cijen, I don't care what you say to me, I've learned to live with it, all of it. But do not ever speak to Trowa that way again. Our problems have nothing to do with him. If you must blame someone, then blame me, or even Father. But do not ever, ever speak to Trowa like that again!" There had been more conviction in his voice at the end, as if he'd gained some strength as he'd gone on. Quatre had always defended him, no mater what the cost.  
  
"Oh, forgive me, Quatre. I was only wondering how much I could make by replacing your sex toy. Since it seems you have no qualms about going against natural law, I just thought that I should try to earn some of our money now. I thought you'd be proud of my taking the initiative."  
  
A defeated look had entered Quatre's eyes then, and Trowa knew that no amount of comfort would ever erase the words his sister had said. Trowa was loosing Quatre, to the very people that should have tried to save him.  
  
He'd stood when he felt Quatre's arm on his elbow, "Trowa, I think you should leave now, I have some things I need to discuss in private with my sisters."  
  
"Oh yes, by all means Mr. Barton, do leave us. I'm sure Quatre and I can strike up a deal once your gone. I do hope, Quatre, that you've left Thursday night open, I'm plain booked the rest of the week." Cijen's manic laughter had filled the room, but it seemed no one else found it funny. Even Quatre's other sisters had wisely chosen to remain quiet.  
  
He'd looked back at Quatre, determination in his eyes, he would not abandon his lover, "I'm not leaving you with them, Quatre."  
  
Desperation had seeped into his lovers' face, every part of Quatre seemed to scream at him. With his eyes, he spoke, 'I can't protect you from them here, like this Trowa, please leave, I can handle it.' But of course, Trowa would not go.  
  
A silent battle raged in Quatre, but finally he decided protecting his lover came before all other things. "I think my sister's have outstayed their welcome. I'm sure they know the way out," he looked pointedly at Cijen. "I think we're done here." That said, Trowa had taken his hand, and escorted him from the room; his sisters' last comment hanging in the air, "Well, I guess Quatre, we'll have to schedule another day for our little 'get together'."  
  
Quatre had lost his footing around the middle of the hallway, and Trowa had picked him up, and carried him the rest of the way to their rooms. No light shone in his lovers' eyes, only a dead look of a man finally beaten, showed through. Pain and blind terror raced through Trowa, as he placed him on one of the couches in their room and covered him with a blanket.  
  
Quatre said not a word, as Trowa left his side, and went into the bedroom. Once there, he removed a box that his beloved did not know about, and opened it to reveal a 44mm. He'd pulled out the clip, checking that all nine slots were still set and ready, before he replaced it, and put the box back where it belonged. Gun in hand, he'd gone back to the couch to check on Quatre. The boy was staring at the ceiling, not moving at all—no he wasn't moving, but violent shakes coursed through his body, prompting Trowa to add another blanket. He kissed him lightly on the lips, and brushed the hair from his face, before walking to the com and punching in Sally's code.  
  
"Wufei here."  
  
"Wufei, this is Trowa, please tell Sally to send a unit to my room, I need them to examine Quatre."  
  
"Is he alright, what happened?"  
  
"I can't explain right now. Please just tell Sally, then meet me in the main conference room, you've got two minutes."  
  
"Understood."  
  
Once he knew Wufei was on his way, he took one glance back a Quatre, before leaving the room and walking down the hall. He met the med. team, on the way and told them where Quatre was. When he'd seen them enter his room, he walked further down the hallway, back towards the conference room.  
  
Wufei had been standing at the door, a questioning look on his face. "There may not be any honor in this, but I ask that you don't try to stop me."  
  
"His blasted sisters are in there, aren't they?" He'd simply nodded his head. It was then that Wufei had registered the gun in his hand. "You're not planning on killing them, are you?"  
  
Silence, then, "I've thought about it, but it would cause Quatre too much pain. But, they will not be here when he wakes up." Determination sounded in his voice, and he watched understanding and acceptance flash across the Chinese pilots' face. A quick nod from Wufei, and the two were through the door, effectively trapping themselves in the lions den. It was a good thing Trowa knew how to dominate a lion.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
"So what happened? Trowa didn't shoot them, did he? Although that wouldn't be such a bad thing--"  
  
"Duo, be quiet. Wufei, tell us what happened."  
  
"Yeah, did he hit any of them, you know knock a couple of teeth out? I don't think that would hurt Quatre too much."  
  
"Baka!"  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
The room went suddenly quiet as he entered. He could see the many lawyers putting loose papers into sturdy briefcases, while the conversations Quatre's sisters had been having fell silent. His gun was now resting in the back band of his jeans, and he could feel the reassuring metal against his spine. Just like old times…  
  
Wufei, came up beside him, posture defensive, and ready for battle. Trowa had no fear that Wufei would back down from this fight. His sense of honor and duty prevented it, not to mention his utter and total hate for the ten women in the room. Two years ago, Quatre and Duo had plotted to get he and Sally together, since that disastrous dinner date, they'd moved in together, and now sporadically spoke of marriage. Wufei owed Quatre, and the young man always paid his debts.  
  
The silence was broken as Cijen stepped forward, her condescending tone obvious, "Can I help you with something?"  
  
Trowa didn't miss a beat, "Get your things, you're leaving."  
  
Anger flashed in the deep brown eyes of the thirty or so year old woman, "How dare you! You don't order me about, if anything I'll be the one to dismiss you! Quatre obviously hasn't trained you right if you think you can speak to me that way! I am a Winner, and neither I nor my sisters will be ordered about by a pathetic no-breed like you!"  
  
Wufei's voice rang out across the open space in the conversation that Trowa's lack of response created. "You woman, are a disgrace! You dishonor yourself and your family with such an uneducated response. It's a wonder they let you speak at all."  
  
Cijen's eyes danced with danger as she opened her mouth to reply. However she never got the chance, as Trowa drew his gun and aimed it at the dead center of her forehead. Her face blanched, and suddenly she realized that she'd gone too far. Fear filled her body and her stance, making her look weak and pitiful.  
  
Trowa didn't care, she and the rest of them, would pay. "I have often wondered at the things Quatre would say about his sisters. He spoke of them as if they were gods, something to be admired and cherished. But I have yet to see any of the things he described. In fact, I have seen only the opposite." He cocked the gun with his free hand before using it to steady his aim.  
  
"I have allowed you this much, because Quatre wished it, hoped that through talks he could bring his family back together. But I realized long ago, it would not be so.  
  
"For the way you have treated him, I would like nothing better than to kill you all," he paused, letting the blind terror in Cijen's face help complete his revenge. "You have condemned and humiliated him, destroyed him in ways I don't know if any amount of time will ever heal. You may say what you want about me, most of it is true, I am no one, I have no name, and no breeding, and without Quatre I am nothing. But you WILL NOT," his voice boomed across the expanse of the room, startling even Wufei, who had never heard him yell like this before, "Ever, again treat him like you have.  
  
"Do not come back here. I can't prevent you, but I promise, that should you return, the least of your problems will be how many credits there are in your bank accounts. Quatre is my responsibility, and I will protect him by any means necessary, even your deaths; no matter how much pain it would cause him. In the end it might very well be worth it."  
  
He lowered the gun from Cijen's face, but kept the muzzle pointed over her heart. "You are leaving now, and I would hope you'd take my words to heart and not return. I will not allow you to hurt Quatre anymore. Do you understand, Cijen?" She looked at him, startled that he knew her name and would use it, but she nodded her head, and waited further instructions.  
  
Trowa looked to the lawyers, "Get your things, you're leaving." When they'd all gathered their papers, and expensive briefcases, Trowa motioned them down the hall—in the opposite direction of he and Quatre's rooms—and proceeded to 'escort' them to the door.  
  
They passed guards along the way, who gave them funny looks, but all of them knew Trowa and Wufei, and none made any comments. As they passed the main offices, Lady Une, raised an eyebrow at the procession, but said not a word once she saw the look in Trowa's eye. She smiled a wicked smile, reminiscent of her former OZ days; she knew who these women were, and knew of Quatre's pain because of them. She was extremely proud of Trowa for his act of heroism, but she would never say a word.  
  
At the last security door, Wufei keyed in the pass code, and moved aside so the women and lawyers could pass from his sight.  
  
Once Cijen was past the door, she turned and faced Trowa, "My brother will hear of this! Don't think for even a moment that this is the end."  
  
Trowa nodded once before replying and then keying in the sequence that slammed the door in the vicious woman's face, "The end will be your deaths. I suggest you leave Quatre out of this. Even he can't protect you from me."  
  
With that done, Trowa nodded his thanks to Wufei, and moved back down the hallway, to Quatre.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
"Oh man, I can't believe he did that! Way to go Trowa!!!" Duo had stood from his seat long ago, and was now jumping up and down on the furniture. Heero gave him a glaring look before dismissing him and returning back to Wufei.  
  
"You say Trowa had a med. team go to see Quatre? Is he alright?"  
  
"Oh shit! I totally forgot! Yeah, is he ok?"  
  
"I'm not sure, as I said, Trowa didn't tell me what was wrong." Wufei seemed suddenly worried, "When I told Sally, she insisted on going herself. Should we check on them?"  
  
Heero seemed to weight the options, Duo moved to his side and said, "Heero, we really should check on them, and I'm not just being my usual nosey self here. If Trowa called a team, then something could really be wrong."  
  
At Heero's nod, all three got up from their seats, and moved to the doorway, intent on making sure their best friends were all right.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
All around him, his life seemed to be falling apart. He couldn't handle his sisters, their remarks and hate tearing into his soul. He couldn't seem to get his act together. But most importantly he was loosing Trowa.  
  
He felt the loss a little everyday. Trowa was trying so hard to be everything he needed him to be. But Quatre knew, could feel it in his heart, Trowa too was falling to pieces. Not for the same reasons he was, instead, Trowa was slowly dying because Quatre himself was. His lover was strong, so much stronger than most people gave him credit for; thinking his soft quiet demeanor was his true form. But he had felt pain, knew it like a best friend or fearfully, even a lover.  
  
Quatre knew that Trowa was not use to being the one to initiate their coupling. It wasn't that he wouldn't or couldn't, only that it was just something Quatre had taken upon himself. It had been his way of showing his devotion to his love. His way of proving that he would take care of him. Now Quatre couldn't help regretting that he had not insisted Trowa be more involved in the initiation. For his poor dear Trowa, was hurting yet again, and it was all his fault.  
  
Quatre lay wrapped in a dark green blanket, lightly sipping from a cup of tea. He was still perched on the couch where Trowa had left him to…well, to do something. The med. team had come and gone, and it had taken quite a bit of convincing on his part to prevent them from administering a tranquilizer. Sally, bless her soul, was in the chair across from him, simply staring at him, with no seeming intention of talking with him.  
  
The quiet brought the whereabouts of Trowa to his mind again, but just as he was about to speak the question out loud, the door opened, and Trowa stepped over the threshold. The two made brief eye contact, then Trowa walked to the desk, opened the draw, and deposited something from his back pocket into it. Then in three long strides, he was at Quatre's side.  
  
"How do you feel?"  
  
He managed a watery smile, "Oh, you know, same old, same old." He paused before, "How about you, are you alright, Trowa. Those things they said—"  
  
"I'm fine now, don't worry about me. Would you—do you want to talk about it?"  
  
He did. Desperately, Quatre wanted to tell Trowa everything, express to him the pain, anger and frustration he could do nothing to prevent. But that was just it, Trowa couldn't prevent it anymore than he could; there was little point dropping his problems onto his beloved; and along with that came the age old problem he'd always had concerning telling Trowa anything.  
  
"It's nothing, Trowa. But you shouldn't have sent the med. team and worried poor Sally." He turned to regard his friend, "She was so worried, she came herself. I tried to tell her I was fine, but she insisted on poking and prodding me." Quatre mocked the actions of the doctor, by lightly jabbing his fingers all up and down Trowa's arms, eliciting a tiny grin from the otherwise stoic pilot.  
  
"I should thank her then." A real smile formed on his lips as he saw Quatre's grin. Trowa would do anything to keep that look on his face, anything within his power. But he was learning very quickly, his power was not enough.  
  
Sally shifted in her seat before standing, "Well Trowa, as long as you're here to look after my 'patient,'" she turned a knowing look on Quatre. "Then I'll leave you two alone. Trowa, you'll call me if you need anything?" Her tone let even Quatre know she was referring to him.  
  
Trowa nodded his head, and stood to walk Sally to the door. Once there, they whispered quietly before he let her out, locked the keypad, and moved back to Quatre's side. Gently Trowa sat beside him, before wrapping an arm around his shoulders, and drawing him close.  
  
He sighed, he couldn't help it, no matter what anyone said about it being a sin, he knew in his heart, that Allah would not have made Trowa so perfect, their love so beautiful, if they were not meant to be together.  
  
Quatre, opened the front of the blanket, and urged Trowa to envelop his own body inside the comforting heat as well. Trowa shifted, swinging Quatre around, before lying across the couch, and tucking him into his body.  
  
Such peace, it flowed over the both of them. Things weren't right between them, but the battle wasn't over yet, they still stood a fighting chance; but only if things were done quickly. Trowa tightened his grip before whispering, "Rest Quatre, it's been a trying day."  
  
Trowa felt Quatre nod his head, then moments later, the smaller boy fell asleep in his arms, claimed finally, by the sedative Sally had placed in his tea.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
Not long after Quatre surcame to the tranquilizers, the visitor chime rang through the room. Trowa, not wanting to disturb Quatre's sleep, let the call go unanswered, figuring it was probably Duo to check on the blond boy in his arms. Duo had a pass-code to get into their room, Quatre had given it to him long ago, saying it was for safety purposes, but in realty, Trowa had known it was so the two of them could arrange for 'romantic surprises.' Quatre had the pass-code to Duo and Heero's rooms as well, and long ago, Trowa had given Heero the code too. If it was them, they would eventually enter.  
  
A few moments later, he heard the sound of the key sequence registering, and the door swooshed open. Heero, Duo, and Wufei walked in, worried expressions on their faces. When they saw the two lovers wrapped together, they made to leave, but Trowa waved them over to the other couch so they could have a quiet discussion while Quatre slept.  
  
"Sedative," Heero asked.  
  
Trowa nodded his head, leave it to Heero to make the most obvious conclusion.  
  
"Trowa, I only know what Wufei told us, but you got major gold stars for the 'Protect Loved Ones' category today. Nice going." Duo said quietly, giving him the victory sign, before Heero grabbed his hand and settled it into his lap.  
  
Smiling down at Quatre, he watched the younger man shift in his arms, snuggling closer.  
  
"We should leave but we just wanted to make sure he was alright." Duo's hand tightened in Heero's attesting to the long hared mans distress over his best friends' condition.  
  
"Actually, I'd like to talk to you." His voice was small, barely hiding his fears. They, especially Duo, were better at this than he was, maybe they could help him help Quatre. "I'm—"  
  
Without warning, Quatre lurched in his arms. Instinctively, Trowa tightened his hold around Quatre's waist; but that proved to be the worst thing he could have done.  
  
The sleeping boy's eyes fluttered, the nightmare breaking free from its mental constraints to attack Quatre in the waking world. Arms flailing wildly, he tossed back and forth, remaining on the couch, only because of Trowa's grip.  
  
Suddenly, ear-piercing screams were wrenched from Quatre's soul. Terror hung in every note, a blinding fear that had each and every one of the Gundam pilots on their feet. Trowa stood, struggling to untangle the blanket from about himself and Quatre. He could hear his beloved weeping in his dream, calling out incoherent words that made no sense except to the blond Arabian.  
  
Holding him close to his body, Trowa finally got the blanket loose, thanks to Wufei's assistance. Duo stood in front of him, grabbing for Quatre's shoulders, trying to shake him awake. "It's not working Trowa, the Tranq.'s were too strong! I can't wake him up!"  
  
Trowa saw Heero move with hurried steps out of his range of vision, only to return with something in his hand. At the same time both he and Duo were yelling Quatre's name. "Quatre! Wake up! Quatre!"  
  
The struggling boy's hands flew to his ears, trying to block out the sound of something so terrifying that it had him yet again screaming in fearful horror. Finally, one word made it past his lips, one single word that brought the entire picture into focus, and one damning word that caused Trowa's mind to scream that he should have claimed blood. "CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The word echoed in the room, but still Quatre struggled and still Trowa held him as tightly in his arms as he dared. Suddenly, he heard Heero call out a warning, before he was splashed in the face by a glass full of ice cold water.  
  
Soaking wet, and beyond startled, Quatre woke up. "What?!" Fear, it laced every letter, and brought chills not from the cold water, down Trowa's spine.  
  
Trowa spun Quatre around and wrapped him in his arms, he spoke softly, and was relieved when Quatre finally began to relax. "Shhh, beloved, it's all right. It was a nightmare, you're fine."  
  
"T—T—Trowa?"  
  
"I'm here."  
  
"Oh God, Trowa," the wet boy in his arms sank into him, melting against his body. The shaking started moments later, "T-Trowa, it w-was s-s-so af- fful! Oh, God!" The shakes caused Quatre's footing to slip, and both he and Trowa fell gracefully to the floor, still grasping onto each other. "That—that child!"  
  
Running soothing hands through Quatre's hair, Trowa again tried to call to his lover, "It's alright, Quatre. You're safe. It was only a nightmare."  
  
"NO! Trowa, you don't understand, the children!" Desperation colored Quatre's words, as his hands reached up, and fisted into Trowa's black sweater, "We have to help them!"  
  
"Quatre," Duo sunk to his knees by their side, "It's ok, it was only a bad dream. Heero has'm all the time, I usually just kick him and he rolls over, you know, like snoring." He joked, it was his defense mechanism, but even for him, it wasn't working.  
  
There was a haunted look in Quatre's eyes, and he seemed to keep searching Trowas' for some sort of answer. "Trowa?" The pleading look shattered Trowa's heart, his beloved was so very broken.  
  
Trowa heard before he saw the entrance of the med. team. Sally's face came into view over the top of Quatre's head, and he saw her grab his startled arm, before injecting another round of sedatives.  
  
Then Quatre began to protest, "NO! Listen, Trowa, the children, you have to listen…" But it was too late, the second sedative ran into the first one, and attacked his system, spiraling him into oblivion. Trowa caught his body and pulled him close. He felt himself shaking with relief and absolute worry. This couldn't be happening, not to Quatre, he was too good…  
  
Sally's words cut through his internal monologue, "Trowa, what happened? I just left a few minutes ago, and there was enough Tilessone in his tea to knock out a horse!"  
  
"That's the problem Sally, you gave him too much. He had a major bad nightmare, and none of us could wake him up. Quatre," Duo touched the side of the drugged boys face, "he was really freaking out. I've never even heard him sound like that before—"  
  
"I have." Heero's voice cut into Duo's statement.  
  
"So have I." Trowa spoke quietly, not wanting to believe that it was true, that what he heard could be the same.  
  
"What do you mean? When have you heard Quatre sound like that, so—so, hauntingly dead?" Duo didn't understand, how could he, he hadn't been there, hadn't witnessed Quatre's ultimate sin.  
  
"It's the exact same way his voice sounded when—when he tried to kill Heero in the Wing Zero." Trowa couldn't believe he'd said it. Over the course of the last few years, the five and the rest of the world had tried to forget the destruction of the L4 colony. The guilt had eaten away at Quatre, who had used most of the resources at his disposal to help get the Mars Terraforming project underway, not in hopes of forgiveness, but in penance. Quatre never wanted to ask for forgiveness, and he had once told Trowa, that when the Mars project was finished it would stand as an eternal reminder of all that he'd done in the war, and all that he still had to make up for. His poor Quatre, he'd been too innocent to fight, and the fighting had destroyed his innocence, the paradox was maddening.  
  
"Oh God, you think, maybe…no, Quatre's way over that, he's dealt. It wasn't his fault, none of us blame him for that anyway."  
  
"It doesn't matter, he still blames himself. But that's not what I'm worried about." Trowa paused, thinking of how to explain, "If the death of his father caused him to lash out like he did, to—to unravel like that, then it would stand to reason, the problem with his sisters could cause the same effect…"  
  
"Trowa! You can't mean that! Quatre would never—"  
  
"None of us would have thought that Quatre was capable of it the first time. Perhaps we need to think—" Wufei was cut off.  
  
"Forget it! There's nothing to think about, Quatre's not dangerous to us, or anyone else! What happened to him, in a way happened to most of us! We know what it's like to lose like that! Yeah, Quatre lost it there for a while, but Heero pulled him back—Trowa pulled him back! He's not dangerous, he's not."  
  
Trowa lifted his head from where it had been resting, lightly against Quatre's cheek, "I want to agree with you, Duo." He paused, collecting himself, "But you haven't seen Quatre away from everyone, he's—he's not the same person. I—I think something may need to be done, to help him. I don't seem to be able too."  
  
He felt Heero's hand rest on his shoulder, "You've done all you can. There are some things that cannot be discussed with the ones you love, no matter what. It's time for someone impartial, someone Quatre doesn't have to worry about protecting, to listen. Quatre won't like it, but if it prevents anything close to the L4 incident from happening again, he has to try."  
  
Duo tried to protest, but Wufei's hand prevented it, "I agree with Heero. For Quatre's sake, this needs resolution." He looked at Trowa, "We should have just killed them and been done with it."  
  
Trowa didn't answer, he was too afraid of his response. Standing, and with some insisting help from Duo, he got Quatre to the bed. He brushed a few platinum blond strands from Quatre's flushed face, before he moved back to the group.  
  
"Sally, I trust you can find someone for Quatre to talk to."  
  
"I think I have someone in mind, but she's working in the outer colonies, it'll take about a week to get her here. She's the best though, and the only one I'd trust Quatre with." Trowa nodded his acceptance, "Ok, I'll send for her immediately. In the mean time, what are you going to do?"  
  
He was quite for a few minutes, then even to him, his voice sounded shaky at best, "I'll keep him here, away from the outside. He'll be safe, he won't like it at all, but he'll stay, even if I have to drug him to keep him here."  
  
And with that there wasn't much else to say. Sally gave him a vial of Tilessone, and instructions on how much to give his sleeping lover. Then the group of friends, and medical staff retreated from the lavish rooms Quatre had so lovingly decorated. "I want them too look rich and beautiful for you Trowa, because you only deserve the very best the universe has to offer you."  
  
Trowa moved back to the bed, and like so many months ago, removed his clothes and drew Quatre into his embrace. The soft sounds of comfort that he spoke so quietly, were hard to interpret; were they for Quatre, or were they for himself? Quatre slept the night, Trowa, did not. 


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 3  
  
Three days, three long, confusing, unproductive days. Quatre was going crazy.  
  
"Trowa, I've already told you, I don't remember anything past the two of us falling asleep on that couch. I don't remember any nightmare, or anything else. Why are you pushing this?"  
  
For the last three days, Trowa had awoken him with a gentle kiss, then insisted they shower and get dress, only to find the two of them in their rooms. Trowa would not allow Quatre to leave, and he had no idea why.  
  
"I wanted to make sure. Are you hungry?" Around meal time, Trowa would walk up to Quatre who was usually reading and ask him the same question, then if the answer was an affirmative, he would stand, walk to the keypad, unlock it, step outside the door, and then lock the keypad with another code. He wasn't allowing Quatre to leave.  
  
"Well a little maybe." Trowa nodded and stood, "Wait! Let me come with you." Trowa shook his head, "Why Trowa, I don't understand? I just want to go to the mess hall with you. I'd like to talk to Duo, or even Heero. I just want to go out and eat with you!" Frustration seeped into his words in the end, and he could feel Trowa getting a little guilty, then in a flash it was gone, and Trowa was shaking his head again, before walking to the door.  
  
Quatre was on him in a flash. Like a desperately in-caged man—which he was—Quatre reached around Trowa, and grabbed him by the shoulder, effectively spinning him around. "Trowa this has to stop. I don't understand what you're trying to do, but I don't appreciate it. You won't let me leave our rooms, I can't talk to anyone, and you've thrown the vid- com," he threw his hands into the air in frustration, "Somewhere! Tell me what's going on. Is there something I don't know about? Something bad?" Sudden fear shone in his eyes, "Oh God, it isn't Duo is it? Or Heero, or Wufei?"  
  
He didn't understand, this wasn't anything like Trowa, he usually wanted them to go everywhere together, and abhorred the idea that they could be separated. For him to even consider leaving to get Quatre meals, well, just the leaving part was totally out of character for his lover.  
  
"Quatre, nothing's wrong with any of them, they're all fine. You should sit on the couch, I'll be back—"  
  
"I will not sit on that couch!" The outburst would have been out of character for the Quatre of six months ago, but the past few months with his sisters had shown Quatre to be much more aggressive, especially when alone with Trowa. It scared him to think he could one day lose control, like his father…  
  
"Quatre, you must trust me. You know I would never do anything to hurt you." There was a pleading look in Trowa's one visible eyes, and perhaps that's what scared Quatre the most. Usually, he had no trouble reading Trowa, the time they'd spent together, getting closer, and learning about each other, had afforded him the opportunity to learn to read his green eyed lover. But now, ever since the thing with his sisters, there was an unusual amount of emotions rushing in at once. It over powered Quatre, often forcing him to shy away from is beloved. While Quatre had been disturbed by it, he was also relieved, being close to Trowa offered him a chance to notice certain things, things Quatre didn't know how to explain yet. But now, Trowa stood before him in words and actions foreign to the both of them, and Quatre was suddenly afraid to trust the one man he'd promise too.  
  
"I know you'd never try to hurt me. But this," he gestured around the room, "This hurts me. I just want to go outside for a little while. It's not too much to ask. Obviously, you want me to stay here, and while it frightens me a little that you'd lock me in rather than trust me, I'm willing to accept that too. But I just want some fresh air, Trowa, certainly you can understand that." He hated the sound of weakness that entered his voice in the end, he sounded so much like a begging child. Trowa was his lover, yes, his soul mate, yes, but he was not his keeper.  
  
Softly the taller man shook his head, "You needed to stay here, Quatre. I'll bring you something to eat. I'll only be gone a few—"  
  
"DAMNIT, TROWA! I don't care how long you're gone, I won't stay here a minute longer!" With that he strode to the door, and punched in his pass- code, hoping it would work again. When it didn't he slammed his fist into the keys, indenting them onto his knuckles. "What the hell is going on? Answer me, Trowa!"  
  
Not saying a word, Trowa moved to examine Quatre's hand, which he had cradled close to his body, "You shouldn't have hurt yourself like that."  
  
Quatre could feel the anger rise in him, there was too much; he was flooded with too much. He lashed out at Trowa, grabbing his hand away, and pushing the taller man so that he fell back a step. "I don't know what game you're playing Trowa, but it's over. Let me out of these rooms now. I will not be held a prisoner in my own home." Trowa shook his head, yet again, 'no.' "DAMNIT, TROWA!" He took a step towards him, letting anger rule his steps.  
  
"Go ahead, Quatre, if it'll make you feel better."  
  
"What are you talking about?!"  
  
His demeanor was calm, and that made Quatre even more angry. Then in just a few short words, his world fell down around him like broken glass, "If hitting me will make you feel better, then do it."  
  
Quatre blanched, his fists dropped into open palms that rested against his thighs. His face registered what Trowa had said, first as confusion, and then appalled. His eyes went wide, and he suddenly realized that that had been exactly what he was going to do. Horror wrote itself all over his body, and he took an involuntary step away from his beloved, running into the door that would not open.  
  
"No—no, Trowa, I would never…I mean…I'd never hurt—" then he remembered that day so many weeks ago, when he had done just that. When in anger he had struck Trowa, out of frustration, and he realized that just now he had been so dangerously close to doing it again.  
  
Quatre's eyes grew wide with recognition, "Trowa, listen, please, I'd…I would never hurt you. Everything in my life now is to try not to hurt you! I—I love you so much. I just—I don't know what's—what's happening to me." He ran a shaking hand through is long bangs, keeping his eyes on Trowa's face, but never looking him in the eye. "Trowa."  
  
He tried to take a step, tried to make his body reach out to comfort his lover, but the memories and emotions came at him in a rush. Trowa lying in his arms, silent tears running down both of their faces. 'Shhhh, Trowa, I can't make the past go away, but I won't let anything like that happen to you ever again. I love you, I'll protect you. If and when you decide to be with me; beyond kisses and soft touches—which is fine with me—I will show you Trowa, show you it can be different. I will never hurt you; I love you.' Trowa being unable to hold back the flood of relief, great gasping sobs escaping his thin body. 'I will never hurt you, Trowa. Love makes me not want to hurt you, and I do love you, more than anything in the world. Shhhh, beloved, the time is not right now, you still hurt too much, but you must believe me, believe that I cherish you above all things, and will never allow harm to come to you. I will never cause you pain, Trowa, I will only give you love.'  
  
But he'd lied. Looked straight into his lovers face so many times, and lied to his very soul. He'd promised to go to him, and never had. He'd promised to tell him everything, but never did. He promised to never hurt him, and now it seemed like everything he did was worse than anything Trowa's past could have done to him. Because Trowa had trusted him, let himself fall in love with him, and he had betrayed him, totally, utterly, and completely. He didn't deserve him, didn't deserve his love; Trowa deserved the stars, and all Quatre had given him was the cold void of outer space.  
  
Pulling his hand back, as if he'd been burned, Quatre pushed all of his weight away from Trowa and dropped his eyes. He would not again harm his beloved. Trowa's emotions flooded his system, and Quatre winced at the pain it caused him.  
  
"No, Quatre." Trowa moved forward the two spaces that separated the lovers, and brought the struggling Quatre into his arms. "Don't do that, don't push me away."  
  
Still struggling, Quatre lifted his head and spoke in a desperate plea, words that cause both of their hearts to shatter. "I have to Trowa. I won't hurt you anymore. I've ruined everything, all my promises, all my words of love are meaningless. You have to get away from me, I won't hurt you anymore."  
  
Trowa forced Quatre to look him in the eye, "This," he indicated Quatre's struggles, "Hurts me. It tears me up, to know that you'd rather be away from me than with me."  
  
"No, Trowa! That's not what I meant!"  
  
"I know, but I can't seem to tell my heart that. You've taught me everything I know about love, and now you push away from me. You promised me so many times that you would be there when I needed you, and I thought that by telling you the same thing—like me—you'd eventually seek me out. But you didn't, instead you avoid me, doing everything in your power to make sure we never discuss anything that's hurting you.  
  
"I've watched you fall apart in my arms, so many times, only to say to me later that it was nothing, that it was just 'lingering sadness.' I'm not a fool, Quatre, I know what's going on. This thing with your sisters, with your family is destroying you; the fact that your family pushes you away, hurts you so very much. But you don't want to burden me. You think that by keeping me ignorant of the things they say, or what's really going on you'll be able to protect me. But it isn't working Quatre, it isn't working.  
  
"Instead, I feel more hurt than any of their words, because you won't speak to me, you won't come to me, you won't touch me, or let me get close to you. You think you're protecting me, but really you're killing me, Quatre. It has to stop, for both of our sakes."  
  
Somewhere during Trowa's speech, Quatre had begun to cry soft quite tears that stained his cheeks red, and caused his eyes to grow puffy. His voice, when he spoke was soft, defeated, lost. "I know Trowa. I know. I've tried to tell myself that. But I see you, I look at you and I remember what we went though when you needed me all of the time. I know how—how hard it was for me to be so strong for you. I never wanted you to have to do that, to have to be so strong for me. I was suppose to take care of you!"  
  
"You have Quatre. You've shown me things I would never have seen had you not been there. You've given me the most precious gift in the world, love, and it's something I would never have know had you not given it to me so freely, so unconditionally. But I'm not the same person I was at sixteen, you've made me better, stronger. I can be the person you need me to be, Quatre. Or at least I could have…"  
  
Quatre's eyes went wide with absolute terror, "Could have??? No Trowa, I need you, you can't leave me! You can't!"  
  
"Hush, Quatre, that's not what I meant, I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you. I'll stay until you decide you don't want me anymore, or I die. Those are the only two reasons I will ever leave you. But I can't be the person you go to. Something Heero said made sense; there are some things you cannot discuss with your loved ones.  
  
"Do you remember when Heero could not tell Duo about the man that raised him? Can you remember how that ate at Duo, not being able to help him, because he wouldn't let him? Heero tried to tell Duo, he did, but he just couldn't get the words passed his lips. He could talk about it with me, and he did, but with Duo he couldn't. Do you know why? Because Heero thought that Duo's childhood was so much more awful than his own that he couldn't bear to burden him. But it wasn't true, Heero and Duo both had terrible childhood's, but Heero just couldn't get Duo's pain out of his mind, wouldn't allow Duo to be put through that. In the end, Heero had to talk with a dozen counselors before he finally told Duo, and when he did, it was as if a dam broke. He's been different ever since, talking more, allowing his emotions to be expressed on his face. All that, and all he had to do was talk to someone else, someone other than Duo first."  
  
"Is that—is that what you're doing? You want me to go somewhere and talk this through? But Trowa, you don't—I mean you can't—my sisters, they're still going to be there. The problem is still going to be there! Heero had the luxury of his past being done, mine is still with me." He paused, collecting himself, "Besides, now that I know how you feel, now that we've talked, I know I can go to you. I know that, I—I want to—I will come to you…I…will…"  
  
He wanted to believe that he would, desperately wanted to, but in the end, he knew it was just another lie. His drive to protect Trowa was too great, even if Trowa hurt, even if Quatre was the one hurting him, it was better than his sisters and societies words, better than the pain he felt, the inadequacy that haunted his every waking moment. He knew in his heart, he could never ask Trowa to listen to that; Trowa needed to be loved, not burdened. And again there was the matter of who he could trust, who'd be there for him always. The test…  
  
"I know you want to, and even that you'd try, but you wouldn't. I don't think you can. You hurt too much, Quatre, there isn't any room for me right now." Quatre tried to protest, tried to tell him that he was wrong, "I know you love me, Quatre. I do. But right now, I have to love you more. Enough to let someone come between us, so that you can get some help. I'll still be here, I already told you I'd never leave you. But you can't come to me now. So I'll wait, I'll protect you the only way I know how; I'll let someone else try to reach you." He tightened his grip on Quatre, feeling the younger man shake.  
  
"In four days a empathic psychiatrist from the outer colonies will arrive. Sally recommended her. She seems to think she's the best, and I trust her judgment. This is for the best, Quatre. I needed you to feel the same. It's the only way this will work."  
  
There was a burning in Quatre's eyes when they looked into Trowa's then, a look of grief so great, it threatened to overpower both of them. "I haven't lost you yet, have I Trowa?"  
  
"No Quatre. You haven't lost me, but I've lost you; and now I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to find you. Whatever it takes."  
  
A uneasy silence settled upon the pair of lovers, neither knowing exactly what needed to be said to comfort the other, the barrier was too great. Finally, Quatre broke the silence, as he'd always done. "I'll agree to this, Trowa. I will, but you can't keep me locked up for the next four days. I need to get out, I'm going stir crazy in here. I…I can't expl—NO!"  
  
Suddenly Quatre took a step back from Trowa, who was so startled he let his grip on the smaller boy fall away. Quatre seemed to struggle with something, a mental dialogue that fought in his brain and most importantly his heart. Finally, "I—I'll try to explain. I'll try to tell you why you have to let me out of here." He paused, looking at Trowa, but not really seeing him. Quatre reached out his hand and took Trowa's leading the taller man to the couch.  
  
They sat, and Trowa could feel Quatre's apprehension, could see the strain just this was having on his lover. "Take your time, Quatre, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Taking a deep breath, Quatre spoke in a small shaking voice that attested to the horrors of his childhood, of this moment in his past that had haunted him since Trowa changed the security pass code on the door. "When—when I was younger, very young, probably about six or seven, my father found out that I'd…it was nothing really. I'd been—been with a friend of mine. I didn't think much about it…then, but my father was outraged. He—he didn't like my—that is he didn't—" Quatre's hands were in his lap, and suddenly they twisted into tight fists, his knuckles turning white. "I can't do this, Trowa! I won't lie to you about this. This is crazy!!" He stood, walking to the window, anything to get away from him.  
  
Trowa could hear his deep ragged breathing, could see it fog the pane of glass that separated his beloved from the freedom he now wanted. "Quatre?"  
  
"I was twelve." There was a cold detachment in his voice, like when he'd told his sisters his final say on the issue of the child. Trowa recognized it and sadness overcame him. Quatre may tell him his secret, but it was only because he felt trapped, his beloved felt trapped by him.  
  
"Quatre, you don't have to tell me."  
  
"I was twelve the night it happened." His voice still deathly cold, detached, Trowa listened this time. "I'd gone to a party with a friend of mine, EnLoy. He was a boy I knew from school. He meant nothing to me except in friendship, and I meant nothing to him but the same. But I made a mistake, I took him to the Gala my father threw every year, it was a huge affair in the colonies. People from L1 to L5 would come, it was almost expected.  
  
"That night when EnLoy and I arrived, I didn't want him to get separated from me in the crowd. There were always so many people at my father's parties, so many people pretending to care… I took EnLoy's hand, it was the only way to keep him with me. He'd never been to a Gala before, his family was not socially elite enough to attend, but I'd wanted to bring him…he'd never seen an ice sculpture." Images of he and Quatre sitting on the bed, while they talked about those famous ice sculptures came to his mind. It was the reason Quatre had taken him to the last party they'd attended. The reason society had learned of their relationship, after nearly three years.  
  
But Quatre was continuing, "I knew I had to give a speech, and I didn't want to leave him alone, he was so nervous at the party, not really sure how to act or who to talk too. So I took him on stage with me, to the podium, and began my speech on the theme of the ball, Love.  
  
"I never saw it coming. Oh I knew I was different by then, knew that I craved the attention of a boy rather than a girl, but I hadn't admitted it to myself, or to anyone else. But as soon as my speech was done, the security guards came over and escorted me out of the room. No one applauded after my speech.  
  
"I was taken to my fathers office. I didn't understand what was happening, I just assumed that he had needed to see me. At the door, EnLoy was told a car was waiting to take him home, and I was taken into the room.  
  
"My father sat behind his desk, seething with rage. I'd seen that look before, been witness to the pain his fists and words caused when it was written across his face." There was still not an ounce of emotion in his voice, not even a note that he recognized he was telling Trowa something he'd never told him before. Like he was speaking in a dream, to someone that didn't care anyway. Trowa had never know that Quatre's father had hit him, never known much about his father at all. It was too painful a subject to discuss, that was what Quatre had once said, and Trowa had incorrectly assumed it was because he had died during the war and Quatre had been unable to stop it. Now, Trowa wondered if that was true.  
  
"He dismissed the guards, and strode over to me. The punch was square, and before I knew what was happening, I was on the ground, unable to breath. There were more punches, kicks, but I didn't feel them, I was too worried about EnLoy getting home safely. Someone else's safety, someone else's happiness…if I could focus on someone long enough, I could escape my own pain, I could feel their joy, their peace. My…heart…allowed me that luxury.  
  
"When he'd finished with me, he had the guards take me to a room in the upper floors, through a secret passageway, so the guest couldn't see me. The room," He looked around the room they were now in, "It wasn't much bigger than this one. It was just a room, empty of everything, everything except a mirror. The mirror spanned the entire right wall, I can still see it clearly…" He trailed off for a moment, and Trowa could sense the pain coming back to his small lover.  
  
"He…left me there for almost two weeks. I wasn't allowed visitors, or any contact. I couldn't do anything except sit and look at my reflection. There was no bed, no bathroom, and the smell of my own urine and feces permeated the room. There was no way out either, two guards were posted at the door at all times; they weren't even allowed to talk to me.  
  
"But everyday, at the same time, three-thirty, my father would come up the stairs into the room, and look at me. Usually he wouldn't say anything, only stare at me, while I stared back, or begged him to let me out. He condemned me with his eyes, with his body language. But that wasn't the worst, Trowa." Finally, Quatre turned to look at him, regarded him for the first time, as if he'd just arrived to the conversation. "The looks I could stand, the occasional beatings he'd deliver, I could take, but it was his words that hurt the most. His words--my sisters words--repeated at me again and again and again…" Quatre trailed off, lost in an inner agony that trapped him behind old memories and present circumstances.  
  
"Those words hurt the most Trowa, they're the things I've tried to protect you from. A fist can deliver a crushing blow, shatter an arm, or even a leg, but that will eventually heal. But a word…I could never make them go away, they never disappeared or healed, they carry with them emotions that never leave you. I can deal with the pain Trowa, I can. I can take refuge in your peace, your happiness, it's what I've been doing all these months. But now you've turned against me; now you think of me, and no longer feel the same. Pain is all you feel when you look at me, and now…now I have no where to go."  
  
His voice died out, and suddenly Trowa realized what had really been happening to his beloved Quatre. The young blond was an empath, able to sense emotions from the people around him. Trowa had always been told that his abilities were untrained, but it seemed Quatre was not so nieve. Throughout the ordeal with his sisters, Quatre had purposefully kept Trowa away, bearing the full force of the attacks. By keeping Trowa away, he kept his lover from knowing the pain, left a safe haven for himself to later go to, allowing his mind Trowa's peace. His angel, was giving Trowa peace, so that he too could have that very same peace when he used his empathic abilities to comfort himself. It made sense, Quatre was protecting him, to keep him safe, that was true, but he was also doing it to keep himself sane. And Trowa's growing apprehension about their relationship had undermined that peace, effectively trapping Quatre with no where to go to avoid the pain.  
  
That was why Quatre had been angered, why he'd been so defeated the last months, and especially since his sister had caught him in the city. He had nowhere to hide from the pain. His only outlet had been Trowa's own peace, his own protection, but now his little lover had nothing, nowhere to go. It wasn't that Quatre couldn't talk to Trowa—not that he could—but that if he did, he'd be destroying his only hope of emotional survival. And now Trowa himself was killing his beloved.  
  
But Quatre continued, as if he'd never mentioned anything. "Eventually, as I said, two weeks later, my sisters managed to get me out of that room. In all that time I hadn't eaten anything, and it took months for me to regain my strength. But that room, to be locked up so completely, with no means of escape from anything, my father, his fists, his words…or myself. I can still remember that mirror, it reflected my soul, and when my father would come, when he'd stare at me, I knew—I knew that my soul was dying, but what could I do? What could I do…"  
  
Suddenly Quatre turned back to face Trowa, and flashed only a glimpse of the fear, before a bright smile plastered itself across his face. As credit to the lie, the smile was even in his eyes. "So you see Trowa, I would really like to get out of these rooms. They're a bit stifling, if you catch my meaning. What say you to this, we go out and have dinner in the city, then we can come back? It won't take that long, and I'll finally get something besides cafeteria food in my stomach. What do you say?"  
  
The smile looked so genuine, as if Quatre believed so whole heartedly in it. Trowa had never know that the face he loved, cherished, desired more than any other in the universe, was nothing more than a mask. A mask that his beloved could not remove, for if he did, there might not be anyone underneath.  
  
Trowa stood and waked to Quatre, who's smile seemed to waver just a bit. He lifted his hand and placed it along Quatre's cheek, but the loving gesture elicited no response from Quatre, the young man didn't even lean into the touch, only stood there, with the phony smile still belaying his inner pain.  
  
"I didn't know, Quatre. But I do now. I do now." He paused, noticing that Quatre's smile had completely disappeared, replaced with a look of almost fear. "I…I think we should stay on the compound tonight. But if it will make you happy, we could go to the mess hall together. But only if you promise not to leave my side while we're out. Do you agree?"  
  
Quatre's smile had come back the moment Trowa had said they could leave, "Oh yes, Trowa, I agree. Maybe we could even take a walk outside in the gardens, it's been a long time since we were there, and it always makes you happy when we go." Not makes Quatre happy, makes him happy. Just how long had Quatre been feeling love through Trowa, how long had his little angel been dependent on him? How many times had he unwittingly hurt him? He didn't even want to think about that trying period of time when the two had not been lovers, when Quatre had waited, how his caution, his fear must have killed his Quatre.  
  
"Come then, we'll pick up Heero and Duo on the way. I believe they wanted to have dinner with you when I let you out anyway."  
  
"Great, I'm positive we'll have a wonderful dinner." With that, Quatre walked to the door, and waited for Trowa—still lost in thought—to set him free.  
  
  
  
* * *  
  
  
  
"Trowa? Come in, we didn't expect you."  
  
"Am I interrupting?"  
  
"What? Oh no, Heero and I weren't doing anything naughty, if that's what you mean." Duo wiggled his eyebrows. "Where's Quatre? I thought he'd be with you?"  
  
Trowa walked through the door and heard it swoosh shut behind him. "I gave him eighty CC's of Tilessone when we got back to our rooms, he's sleeping."  
  
"WHAT?! Eighty CC's? That's crazy, he'll sleep for days!" Panic entered Duo's eyes. He couldn't believe that Trowa would do that to Quatre.  
  
"Duo, come here and be quite. Trowa, what's going on?" Heero sat on the couch that faced a huge entertainment center, a book of children's poems resting in his lap.  
  
"Duo, I'll explain, can we just sit down for a moment?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, I guess, but you're spilling your guts, got it. I thought dinner went great. Quatre was laughing and joking—"  
  
"That's the problem."  
  
"Trowa, come sit down. Duo, get your ass over here."  
  
As Duo moved to the couch, Heero placed a reassuring arm about his shoulders, and drew his long hared lover closer to him. Trowa moved to the chair, and couldn't help the flash of guilty jealousy that crossed his expression as he looked at the couple sitting across from him. He didn't understand how Heero, the coldest and most ruthless of them all, could have changed so completely, and yet it was now he and Quatre—the two most likely to survive any crisis—who couldn't even be in the same room without pain.  
  
Trowa collected himself as he watched Duo snuggle closer to Heero, needing comfort from his words.  
  
"Trowa," Heero looked pointedly at him, "Duo's right, Quatre seemed like his old self tonight. Why would you drug him?"  
  
Shaking his head lightly, Trowa spoke, "That's just it. Quatre acted as if there was nothing wrong, as if everything was fine."  
  
"Yeah, but I thought that was the point. You wanted him to open up to you, right? Well, obviously he did if you let him out before the Shrink got here. So I don't understand the problem, wasn't he suppose to go back to being himself?" Duo asked.  
  
Heero looked silently at him for an explanation. "It's true, Quatre did talk to me this evening, but not the way you think."  
  
"Well are you going to keep us in suspense or what!?"  
  
"Duo, hush. Go on Trowa."  
  
He looked to Duo, "Did you know that Quatre's father used to beat him, often?"  
  
The young man that called himself death blanched and shook his head, "No. But Quatre never spoke of his father much. I just assumed it was because of the whole ZERO, thing." There was a deep sadness in his tone. Trowa wasn't the only one that only knew the mask that was Quatre.  
  
"Quatre told me a story from his past. We never really talked about his life before the war. By the time we were together, it was too painful for him. But I never thought I didn't know. I never realized that in all the time Quatre was getting me to open up, he wasn't telling me anything about himself. I spent all dinner thinking about it, and really I don't know very much about Quatre at all. It's as if I know just enough to make me think I know him, but I really don't…" His voice trailed off, a sense of foreboding entering his voice.  
  
"Trowa, what did Quatre tell you?" Heero and Quatre had never really traded secrets before, but that didn't mean that the little blond didn't know almost everything about him. He was extremely startled to realized that he actually knew very little about the blond pilot of Sandrock.  
  
"He said when he was younger he'd taken a friend—a boy from school—to a party his father was having. It was innocent enough, but the crowd didn't think so, and neither did his father. He beat him, and had the guards take him to a room. The bastard kept him there for two weeks, no food, no water, no bathroom, nothing! His father would come up everyday, and ridicule him, and sometimes beat him. His sisters finally managed to get him out, but it took him months to recover."  
  
"He told you all of that?" Duo's voice reflected the anger prevalent in the room. It was a good thing Mr. Winner was already dead.  
  
"The way he said it…so cold, as if he was being forced, as if I were holding a gun to his head and making him tell me. I didn't realized—because he'd never told me—that locking him up in our rooms was probably the worst thing I could have ever done. I didn't know that he would associate me with his father."  
  
"You didn't know. Just like you said, Quatre didn't tell you, or anyone else. Is that why you let him out?" Heero was struggling with his own sense of justice.  
  
"No, I let him out because he asked me too." At their questioning looks he continued, "There's more. Quatre mentioned using his empathic powers to link with his friend during the night of the party. Heero, how much do you know about Empathy in general?"  
  
"A little, I needed to know so I could avoid scans. Why?"  
  
"Quatre said that when his father was beating him, he linked with his friend from the party. He said that as long as his friend was safe, then he would be at peace." He paused, "Then he said the same thing about me. His voice was cold, but he said that throughout the ordeal with his sisters, he'd been trying to keep their words away from me. He said the words hurt more than the fists. He told me he could take the pain; physical and emotional, as long as I wasn't effected by it. He then said I betrayed him, that I started to doubt in our relationship, and that he could no longer take refuge in my peace, away from those same words that were killing him.  
  
"Heero, can that be possible? Could Quatre have been protecting me from his sisters so that he could use me as a place to rest after their attacks? Was he using the safety of my love for him, my lack of pain from those hateful words and looks, to cleans his soul?"  
  
There was fear in his voice, such abandoned fear, and Heero felt like taking his taller friend into his arms for safe keeping. "I don't know Trowa. I suppose it's possible. I've heard of experiments where they give empaths a pure partner, someone not affected by the experiment, have them link up, and then torture the empath. In those cases the empaths usually will flee to the mind of their link, taking refuge from the pain, and seeking comfort. Throughout the experiments and torture, the empaths will do everything in their power to keep their links from experiencing the torture, even killing each other to protect their links. It was decided that the links were being used by the empaths as a place to escape from the torture, and also as a place to 'recharge' their own emotional needs. But those were highly trained empaths, and I was under the impression that Quatre doesn't have any formal training."  
  
Trowa nodded his head, "As far as I know he doesn't either, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that I don't know as much as I thought I did about him. He could have had years of training, and I never bothered to ask; what's more, what if he's somehow managed to train himself over the years? That kind of constant pain would make anyone with Quatre's abilities crazy with a need to escape. God Heero, what if he's been living off my emotions from the beginning, since we got together. He's always made sure that I was happy, no matter what it cost him, what if that's because he's been living through me, and if he has, my emotional disposition is so…cold sometimes, it must have been killing him. I must have been killing him." Desperation and sheer agony laced his words.  
  
"I don't know, Trowa. It's possible, but we won't know unless we ask him. Or maybe the empath that Sally sent for can help." Heero felt Duo shift in his arms, and released the unusually quiet man from his grasp.  
  
Duo moved to the window, black with the blanket of night. "God, why didn't he tell us?"  
  
There was silence, then Heero answered, "Maybe he felt he couldn't trust us."  
  
Duo spun around, anger flashing in his violet eyes, "Don't give me that, Heero. Quatre and I have been friends, almost since the start of the war, for over four years! And what about Trowa, they've been together for three years, friends for almost five! Quatre loves him, he wouldn't hold back, he wouldn't!"  
  
"But he has. He's been holding back since the very beginning." Trowa's voice was low, nearly a whisper.  
  
"But why Trowa? Why wouldn't he come to you or me even? I don't get it!"  
  
"Stop and think about it." Heero's voice cut through the pain coming from his friend and lover, grabbing their attention and forcing them to listen. "This all started with his father. None of us have much experience with that, so how would we know what it means to be betrayed like that, by the person that's suppose to love you unconditionally. Then there are his sisters. Trowa, you said that it was Quatre's sisters that got him out of that room. He obviously trusted them, and now look at what they've done, completely turned their backs on him, condemning him just like his father did. All the people that have professed to love him, have turned their backs on him. It's little wonder he trusted any part of himself with us at all, amazing that he even went to you, Trowa, and expressed his feelings to you. Then there are the things we don't know about, like you said, it's become clear that we don't know all that much about Quatre, or his past. He's been so good at hiding it all from us, we never noticed."  
  
Duo's head hung low, shoulders slumped, "I should have noticed, he's my best friend, and I didn't even see how much he was hurting." Heero stood and went to him, holding him close and brushing light kisses into his hair.  
  
Trowa seemed to shake himself, before glancing at Heero and Duo, then he stood, "You have nothing to feel bad about Duo. I'm the one that professes my love to him every night, and yet I'm the one that had no idea until he fell apart.  
  
"But this isn't the end, I'm not letting him go. We'll find a way out of this, I'll find a way to bring him back. I swear it." Then Trowa moved to the door and left, leaving an empty swooshing sound and two lovers to seek some measure of comfort from the horrors the world could produce. 


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
Three days, three long, confusing, unproductive days. Quatre was going crazy.  
  
"Trowa, I've already told you, I don't remember anything past the two of us falling asleep on that couch. I don't remember any nightmare, or anything else. Why are you pushing this?"  
  
For the last three days, Trowa had awoken him with a gentle kiss, then insisted they shower and get dress, only to find the two of them in their rooms. Trowa would not allow Quatre to leave, and he had no idea why.  
  
"I wanted to make sure. Are you hungry?" Around meal time, Trowa would walk up to Quatre who was usually reading and ask him the same question, then if the answer was an affirmative, he would stand, walk to the keypad, unlock it, step outside the door, and then lock the keypad with another code. He wasn't allowing Quatre to leave.  
  
"Well a little maybe." Trowa nodded and stood, "Wait! Let me come with you." Trowa shook his head, "Why Trowa, I don't understand? I just want to go to the mess hall with you. I'd like to talk to Duo, or even Heero. I just want to go out and eat with you!" Frustration seeped into his words in the end, and he could feel Trowa getting a little guilty, then in a flash it was gone, and Trowa was shaking his head again, before walking to the door.  
  
Quatre was on him in a flash. Like a desperately in-caged man-which he was-Quatre reached around Trowa, and grabbed him by the shoulder, effectively spinning him around. "Trowa this has to stop. I don't understand what you're trying to do, but I don't appreciate it. You won't let me leave our rooms, I can't talk to anyone, and you've thrown the vid- com," he threw his hands into the air in frustration, "Somewhere! Tell me what's going on. Is there something I don't know about? Something bad?" Sudden fear shone in his eyes, "Oh God, it isn't Duo is it? Or Heero, or Wufei?"  
  
He didn't understand, this wasn't anything like Trowa, he usually wanted them to go everywhere together, and abhorred the idea that they could be separated. For him to even consider leaving to get Quatre meals, well, just the leaving part was totally out of character for his lover.  
  
"Quatre, nothing's wrong with any of them, they're all fine. You should sit on the couch, I'll be back-"  
  
"I will not sit on that couch!" The outburst would have been out of character for the Quatre of six months ago, but the past few months with his sisters had shown Quatre to be much more aggressive, especially when alone with Trowa. It scared him to think he could one day lose control, like his father.  
  
"Quatre, you must trust me. You know I would never do anything to hurt you." There was a pleading look in Trowa's one visible eyes, and perhaps that's what scared Quatre the most. Usually, he had no trouble reading Trowa, the time they'd spent together, getting closer, and learning about each other, had afforded him the opportunity to learn to read his green eyed lover. But now, ever since the thing with his sisters, there was an unusual amount of emotions rushing in at once. It over powered Quatre, often forcing him to shy away from is beloved. While Quatre had been disturbed by it, he was also relieved, being close to Trowa offered him a chance to notice certain things, things Quatre didn't know how to explain yet. But now, Trowa stood before him in words and actions foreign to the both of them, and Quatre was suddenly afraid to trust the one man he'd promise too.  
  
"I know you'd never try to hurt me. But this," he gestured around the room, "This hurts me. I just want to go outside for a little while. It's not too much to ask. Obviously, you want me to stay here, and while it frightens me a little that you'd lock me in rather than trust me, I'm willing to accept that too. But I just want some fresh air, Trowa, certainly you can understand that." He hated the sound of weakness that entered his voice in the end, he sounded so much like a begging child. Trowa was his lover, yes, his soul mate, yes, but he was not his keeper.  
  
Softly the taller man shook his head, "You needed to stay here, Quatre. I'll bring you something to eat. I'll only be gone a few-"  
  
"DAMNIT, TROWA! I don't care how long you're gone, I won't stay here a minute longer!" With that he strode to the door, and punched in his pass- code, hoping it would work again. When it didn't he slammed his fist into the keys, indenting them onto his knuckles. "What the hell is going on? Answer me, Trowa!"  
  
Not saying a word, Trowa moved to examine Quatre's hand, which he had cradled close to his body, "You shouldn't have hurt yourself like that."  
  
Quatre could feel the anger rise in him, there was too much; he was flooded with too much. He lashed out at Trowa, grabbing his hand away, and pushing the taller man so that he fell back a step. "I don't know what game you're playing Trowa, but it's over. Let me out of these rooms now. I will not be held a prisoner in my own home." Trowa shook his head, yet again, 'no.' "DAMNIT, TROWA!" He took a step towards him, letting anger rule his steps.  
  
"Go ahead, Quatre, if it'll make you feel better."  
  
"What are you talking about?!"  
  
His demeanor was calm, and that made Quatre even more angry. Then in just a few short words, his world fell down around him like broken glass, "If hitting me will make you feel better, then do it."  
  
Quatre blanched, his fists dropped into open palms that rested against his thighs. His face registered what Trowa had said, first as confusion, and then appalled. His eyes went wide, and he suddenly realized that that had been exactly what he was going to do. Horror wrote itself all over his body, and he took an involuntary step away from his beloved, running into the door that would not open.  
  
"No-no, Trowa, I would never.I mean.I'd never hurt-" then he remembered that day so many weeks ago, when he had done just that. When in anger he had struck Trowa, out of frustration, and he realized that just now he had been so dangerously close to doing it again.  
  
Quatre's eyes grew wide with recognition, "Trowa, listen, please, I'd.I would never hurt you. Everything in my life now is to try not to hurt you! I-I love you so much. I just-I don't know what's-what's happening to me." He ran a shaking hand through is long bangs, keeping his eyes on Trowa's face, but never looking him in the eye. "Trowa."  
  
He tried to take a step, tried to make his body reach out to comfort his lover, but the memories and emotions came at him in a rush. Trowa lying in his arms, silent tears running down both of their faces. 'Shhhh, Trowa, I can't make the past go away, but I won't let anything like that happen to you ever again. I love you, I'll protect you. If and when you decide to be with me; beyond kisses and soft touches-which is fine with me- I will show you Trowa, show you it can be different. I will never hurt you; I love you.' Trowa being unable to hold back the flood of relief, great gasping sobs escaping his thin body. 'I will never hurt you, Trowa. Love makes me not want to hurt you, and I do love you, more than anything in the world. Shhhh, beloved, the time is not right now, you still hurt too much, but you must believe me, believe that I cherish you above all things, and will never allow harm to come to you. I will never cause you pain, Trowa, I will only give you love.'  
  
But he'd lied. Looked straight into his lovers face so many times, and lied to his very soul. He'd promised to go to him, and never had. He'd promised to tell him everything, but never did. He promised to never hurt him, and now it seemed like everything he did was worse than anything Trowa's past could have done to him. Because Trowa had trusted him, let himself fall in love with him, and he had betrayed him, totally, utterly, and completely. He didn't deserve him, didn't deserve his love; Trowa deserved the stars, and all Quatre had given him was the cold void of outer space.  
  
Pulling his hand back, as if he'd been burned, Quatre pushed all of his weight away from Trowa and dropped his eyes. He would not again harm his beloved. Trowa's emotions flooded his system, and Quatre winced at the pain it caused him.  
  
"No, Quatre." Trowa moved forward the two spaces that separated the lovers, and brought the struggling Quatre into his arms. "Don't do that, don't push me away."  
  
Still struggling, Quatre lifted his head and spoke in a desperate plea, words that cause both of their hearts to shatter. "I have to Trowa. I won't hurt you anymore. I've ruined everything, all my promises, all my words of love are meaningless. You have to get away from me, I won't hurt you anymore."  
  
Trowa forced Quatre to look him in the eye, "This," he indicated Quatre's struggles, "Hurts me. It tears me up, to know that you'd rather be away from me than with me."  
  
"No, Trowa! That's not what I meant!"  
  
"I know, but I can't seem to tell my heart that. You've taught me everything I know about love, and now you push away from me. You promised me so many times that you would be there when I needed you, and I thought that by telling you the same thing-like me-you'd eventually seek me out. But you didn't, instead you avoid me, doing everything in your power to make sure we never discuss anything that's hurting you.  
  
"I've watched you fall apart in my arms, so many times, only to say to me later that it was nothing, that it was just 'lingering sadness.' I'm not a fool, Quatre, I know what's going on. This thing with your sisters, with your family is destroying you; the fact that your family pushes you away, hurts you so very much. But you don't want to burden me. You think that by keeping me ignorant of the things they say, or what's really going on you'll be able to protect me. But it isn't working Quatre, it isn't working.  
  
"Instead, I feel more hurt than any of their words, because you won't speak to me, you won't come to me, you won't touch me, or let me get close to you. You think you're protecting me, but really you're killing me, Quatre. It has to stop, for both of our sakes."  
  
Somewhere during Trowa's speech, Quatre had begun to cry soft quite tears that stained his cheeks red, and caused his eyes to grow puffy. His voice, when he spoke was soft, defeated, lost. "I know Trowa. I know. I've tried to tell myself that. But I see you, I look at you and I remember what we went though when you needed me all of the time. I know how-how hard it was for me to be so strong for you. I never wanted you to have to do that, to have to be so strong for me. I was suppose to take care of you!"  
  
"You have Quatre. You've shown me things I would never have seen had you not been there. You've given me the most precious gift in the world, love, and it's something I would never have know had you not given it to me so freely, so unconditionally. But I'm not the same person I was at sixteen, you've made me better, stronger. I can be the person you need me to be, Quatre. Or at least I could have."  
  
Quatre's eyes went wide with absolute terror, "Could have??? No Trowa, I need you, you can't leave me! You can't!"  
  
"Hush, Quatre, that's not what I meant, I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you. I'll stay until you decide you don't want me anymore, or I die. Those are the only two reasons I will ever leave you. But I can't be the person you go to. Something Heero said made sense; there are some things you cannot discuss with your loved ones.  
  
"Do you remember when Heero could not tell Duo about the man that raised him? Can you remember how that ate at Duo, not being able to help him, because he wouldn't let him? Heero tried to tell Duo, he did, but he just couldn't get the words passed his lips. He could talk about it with me, and he did, but with Duo he couldn't. Do you know why? Because Heero thought that Duo's childhood was so much more awful than his own that he couldn't bear to burden him. But it wasn't true, Heero and Duo both had terrible childhood's, but Heero just couldn't get Duo's pain out of his mind, wouldn't allow Duo to be put through that. In the end, Heero had to talk with a dozen counselors before he finally told Duo, and when he did, it was as if a dam broke. He's been different ever since, talking more, allowing his emotions to be expressed on his face. All that, and all he had to do was talk to someone else, someone other than Duo first."  
  
"Is that-is that what you're doing? You want me to go somewhere and talk this through? But Trowa, you don't-I mean you can't-my sisters, they're still going to be there. The problem is still going to be there! Heero had the luxury of his past being done, mine is still with me." He paused, collecting himself, "Besides, now that I know how you feel, now that we've talked, I know I can go to you. I know that, I-I want to-I will come to you.I.will."  
  
He wanted to believe that he would, desperately wanted to, but in the end, he knew it was just another lie. His drive to protect Trowa was too great, even if Trowa hurt, even if Quatre was the one hurting him, it was better than his sisters and societies words, better than the pain he felt, the inadequacy that haunted his every waking moment. He knew in his heart, he could never ask Trowa to listen to that; Trowa needed to be loved, not burdened. And again there was the matter of who he could trust, who'd be there for him always. The test.  
  
"I know you want to, and even that you'd try, but you wouldn't. I don't think you can. You hurt too much, Quatre, there isn't any room for me right now." Quatre tried to protest, tried to tell him that he was wrong, "I know you love me, Quatre. I do. But right now, I have to love you more. Enough to let someone come between us, so that you can get some help. I'll still be here, I already told you I'd never leave you. But you can't come to me now. So I'll wait, I'll protect you the only way I know how; I'll let someone else try to reach you." He tightened his grip on Quatre, feeling the younger man shake.  
  
"In four days a empathic psychiatrist from the outer colonies will arrive. Sally recommended her. She seems to think she's the best, and I trust her judgment. This is for the best, Quatre. I needed you to feel the same. It's the only way this will work."  
  
There was a burning in Quatre's eyes when they looked into Trowa's then, a look of grief so great, it threatened to overpower both of them. "I haven't lost you yet, have I Trowa?"  
  
"No Quatre. You haven't lost me, but I've lost you; and now I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to find you. Whatever it takes."  
  
A uneasy silence settled upon the pair of lovers, neither knowing exactly what needed to be said to comfort the other, the barrier was too great. Finally, Quatre broke the silence, as he'd always done. "I'll agree to this, Trowa. I will, but you can't keep me locked up for the next four days. I need to get out, I'm going stir crazy in here. I.I can't expl-NO!"  
  
Suddenly Quatre took a step back from Trowa, who was so startled he let his grip on the smaller boy fall away. Quatre seemed to struggle with something, a mental dialogue that fought in his brain and most importantly his heart. Finally, "I-I'll try to explain. I'll try to tell you why you have to let me out of here." He paused, looking at Trowa, but not really seeing him. Quatre reached out his hand and took Trowa's leading the taller man to the couch.  
  
They sat, and Trowa could feel Quatre's apprehension, could see the strain just this was having on his lover. "Take your time, Quatre, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
Taking a deep breath, Quatre spoke in a small shaking voice that attested to the horrors of his childhood, of this moment in his past that had haunted him since Trowa changed the security pass code on the door. "When-when I was younger, very young, probably about six or seven, my father found out that I'd.it was nothing really. I'd been-been with a friend of mine. I didn't think much about it.then, but my father was outraged. He-he didn't like my-that is he didn't-" Quatre's hands were in his lap, and suddenly they twisted into tight fists, his knuckles turning white. "I can't do this, Trowa! I won't lie to you about this. This is crazy!!" He stood, walking to the window, anything to get away from him.  
  
Trowa could hear his deep ragged breathing, could see it fog the pane of glass that separated his beloved from the freedom he now wanted. "Quatre?"  
  
"I was twelve." There was a cold detachment in his voice, like when he'd told his sisters his final say on the issue of the child. Trowa recognized it and sadness overcame him. Quatre may tell him his secret, but it was only because he felt trapped, his beloved felt trapped by him.  
  
"Quatre, you don't have to tell me."  
  
"I was twelve the night it happened." His voice still deathly cold, detached, Trowa listened this time. "I'd gone to a party with a friend of mine, EnLoy. He was a boy I knew from school. He meant nothing to me except in friendship, and I meant nothing to him but the same. But I made a mistake, I took him to the Gala my father threw every year, it was a huge affair in the colonies. People from L1 to L5 would come, it was almost expected.  
  
"That night when EnLoy and I arrived, I didn't want him to get separated from me in the crowd. There were always so many people at my father's parties, so many people pretending to care. I took EnLoy's hand, it was the only way to keep him with me. He'd never been to a Gala before, his family was not socially elite enough to attend, but I'd wanted to bring him.he'd never seen an ice sculpture." Images of he and Quatre sitting on the bed, while they talked about those famous ice sculptures came to his mind. It was the reason Quatre had taken him to the last party they'd attended. The reason society had learned of their relationship, after nearly three years.  
  
But Quatre was continuing, "I knew I had to give a speech, and I didn't want to leave him alone, he was so nervous at the party, not really sure how to act or who to talk too. So I took him on stage with me, to the podium, and began my speech on the theme of the ball, Love.  
  
"I never saw it coming. Oh I knew I was different by then, knew that I craved the attention of a boy rather than a girl, but I hadn't admitted it to myself, or to anyone else. But as soon as my speech was done, the security guards came over and escorted me out of the room. No one applauded after my speech.  
  
"I was taken to my fathers office. I didn't understand what was happening, I just assumed that he had needed to see me. At the door, EnLoy was told a car was waiting to take him home, and I was taken into the room.  
  
"My father sat behind his desk, seething with rage. I'd seen that look before, been witness to the pain his fists and words caused when it was written across his face." There was still not an ounce of emotion in his voice, not even a note that he recognized he was telling Trowa something he'd never told him before. Like he was speaking in a dream, to someone that didn't care anyway. Trowa had never know that Quatre's father had hit him, never known much about his father at all. It was too painful a subject to discuss, that was what Quatre had once said, and Trowa had incorrectly assumed it was because he had died during the war and Quatre had been unable to stop it. Now, Trowa wondered if that was true.  
  
"He dismissed the guards, and strode over to me. The punch was square, and before I knew what was happening, I was on the ground, unable to breath. There were more punches, kicks, but I didn't feel them, I was too worried about EnLoy getting home safely. Someone else's safety, someone else's happiness.if I could focus on someone long enough, I could escape my own pain, I could feel their joy, their peace. My.heart.allowed me that luxury.  
  
"When he'd finished with me, he had the guards take me to a room in the upper floors, through a secret passageway, so the guest couldn't see me. The room," He looked around the room they were now in, "It wasn't much bigger than this one. It was just a room, empty of everything, everything except a mirror. The mirror spanned the entire right wall, I can still see it clearly." He trailed off for a moment, and Trowa could sense the pain coming back to his small lover.  
  
"He.left me there for almost two weeks. I wasn't allowed visitors, or any contact. I couldn't do anything except sit and look at my reflection. There was no bed, no bathroom, and the smell of my own urine and feces permeated the room. There was no way out either, two guards were posted at the door at all times; they weren't even allowed to talk to me.  
  
"But everyday, at the same time, three-thirty, my father would come up the stairs into the room, and look at me. Usually he wouldn't say anything, only stare at me, while I stared back, or begged him to let me out. He condemned me with his eyes, with his body language. But that wasn't the worst, Trowa." Finally, Quatre turned to look at him, regarded him for the first time, as if he'd just arrived to the conversation. "The looks I could stand, the occasional beatings he'd deliver, I could take, but it was his words that hurt the most. His words--my sisters words--repeated at me again and again and again." Quatre trailed off, lost in an inner agony that trapped him behind old memories and present circumstances.  
  
"Those words hurt the most Trowa, they're the things I've tried to protect you from. A fist can deliver a crushing blow, shatter an arm, or even a leg, but that will eventually heal. But a word.I could never make them go away, they never disappeared or healed, they carry with them emotions that never leave you. I can deal with the pain Trowa, I can. I can take refuge in your peace, your happiness, it's what I've been doing all these months. But now you've turned against me; now you think of me, and no longer feel the same. Pain is all you feel when you look at me, and now.now I have no where to go."  
  
His voice died out, and suddenly Trowa realized what had really been happening to his beloved Quatre. The young blond was an empath, able to sense emotions from the people around him. Trowa had always been told that his abilities were untrained, but it seemed Quatre was not so nieve. Throughout the ordeal with his sisters, Quatre had purposefully kept Trowa away, bearing the full force of the attacks. By keeping Trowa away, he kept his lover from knowing the pain, left a safe haven for himself to later go to, allowing his mind Trowa's peace. His angel, was giving Trowa peace, so that he too could have that very same peace when he used his empathic abilities to comfort himself. It made sense, Quatre was protecting him, to keep him safe, that was true, but he was also doing it to keep himself sane. And Trowa's growing apprehension about their relationship had undermined that peace, effectively trapping Quatre with no where to go to avoid the pain.  
  
That was why Quatre had been angered, why he'd been so defeated the last months, and especially since his sister had caught him in the city. He had nowhere to hide from the pain. His only outlet had been Trowa's own peace, his own protection, but now his little lover had nothing, nowhere to go. It wasn't that Quatre couldn't talk to Trowa-not that he could-but that if he did, he'd be destroying his only hope of emotional survival. And now Trowa himself was killing his beloved.  
  
But Quatre continued, as if he'd never mentioned anything. "Eventually, as I said, two weeks later, my sisters managed to get me out of that room. In all that time I hadn't eaten anything, and it took months for me to regain my strength. But that room, to be locked up so completely, with no means of escape from anything, my father, his fists, his words.or myself. I can still remember that mirror, it reflected my soul, and when my father would come, when he'd stare at me, I knew-I knew that my soul was dying, but what could I do? What could I do."  
  
Suddenly Quatre turned back to face Trowa, and flashed only a glimpse of the fear, before a bright smile plastered itself across his face. As credit to the lie, the smile was even in his eyes. "So you see Trowa, I would really like to get out of these rooms. They're a bit stifling, if you catch my meaning. What say you to this, we go out and have dinner in the city, then we can come back? It won't take that long, and I'll finally get something besides cafeteria food in my stomach. What do you say?"  
  
The smile looked so genuine, as if Quatre believed so whole heartedly in it. Trowa had never know that the face he loved, cherished, desired more than any other in the universe, was nothing more than a mask. A mask that his beloved could not remove, for if he did, there might not be anyone underneath.  
  
Trowa stood and waked to Quatre, who's smile seemed to waver just a bit. He lifted his hand and placed it along Quatre's cheek, but the loving gesture elicited no response from Quatre, the young man didn't even lean into the touch, only stood there, with the phony smile still belaying his inner pain.  
  
"I didn't know, Quatre. But I do now. I do now." He paused, noticing that Quatre's smile had completely disappeared, replaced with a look of almost fear. "I.I think we should stay on the compound tonight. But if it will make you happy, we could go to the mess hall together. But only if you promise not to leave my side while we're out. Do you agree?"  
  
Quatre's smile had come back the moment Trowa had said they could leave, "Oh yes, Trowa, I agree. Maybe we could even take a walk outside in the gardens, it's been a long time since we were there, and it always makes you happy when we go." Not makes Quatre happy, makes him happy. Just how long had Quatre been feeling love through Trowa, how long had his little angel been dependent on him? How many times had he unwittingly hurt him? He didn't even want to think about that trying period of time when the two had not been lovers, when Quatre had waited, how his caution, his fear must have killed his Quatre.  
  
"Come then, we'll pick up Heero and Duo on the way. I believe they wanted to have dinner with you when I let you out anyway."  
  
"Great, I'm positive we'll have a wonderful dinner." With that, Quatre walked to the door, and waited for Trowa-still lost in thought-to set him free.  
  
* * *  
  
"Trowa? Come in, we didn't expect you."  
  
"Am I interrupting?"  
  
"What? Oh no, Heero and I weren't doing anything naughty, if that's what you mean." Duo wiggled his eyebrows. "Where's Quatre? I thought he'd be with you?"  
  
Trowa walked through the door and heard it swoosh shut behind him. "I gave him eighty CC's of Tilessone when we got back to our rooms, he's sleeping."  
  
"WHAT?! Eighty CC's? That's crazy, he'll sleep for days!" Panic entered Duo's eyes. He couldn't believe that Trowa would do that to Quatre.  
  
"Duo, come here and be quite. Trowa, what's going on?" Heero sat on the couch that faced a huge entertainment center, a book of children's poems resting in his lap.  
  
"Duo, I'll explain, can we just sit down for a moment?"  
  
"Yeah, sure, I guess, but you're spilling your guts, got it. I thought dinner went great. Quatre was laughing and joking-"  
  
"That's the problem."  
  
"Trowa, come sit down. Duo, get your ass over here."  
  
As Duo moved to the couch, Heero placed a reassuring arm about his shoulders, and drew his long hared lover closer to him. Trowa moved to the chair, and couldn't help the flash of guilty jealousy that crossed his expression as he looked at the couple sitting across from him. He didn't understand how Heero, the coldest and most ruthless of them all, could have changed so completely, and yet it was now he and Quatre-the two most likely to survive any crisis-who couldn't even be in the same room without pain.  
  
Trowa collected himself as he watched Duo snuggle closer to Heero, needing comfort from his words.  
  
"Trowa," Heero looked pointedly at him, "Duo's right, Quatre seemed like his old self tonight. Why would you drug him?"  
  
Shaking his head lightly, Trowa spoke, "That's just it. Quatre acted as if there was nothing wrong, as if everything was fine."  
  
"Yeah, but I thought that was the point. You wanted him to open up to you, right? Well, obviously he did if you let him out before the Shrink got here. So I don't understand the problem, wasn't he suppose to go back to being himself?" Duo asked.  
  
Heero looked silently at him for an explanation. "It's true, Quatre did talk to me this evening, but not the way you think."  
  
"Well are you going to keep us in suspense or what!?"  
  
"Duo, hush. Go on Trowa."  
  
He looked to Duo, "Did you know that Quatre's father used to beat him, often?"  
  
The young man that called himself death blanched and shook his head, "No. But Quatre never spoke of his father much. I just assumed it was because of the whole ZERO, thing." There was a deep sadness in his tone. Trowa wasn't the only one that only knew the mask that was Quatre.  
  
"Quatre told me a story from his past. We never really talked about his life before the war. By the time we were together, it was too painful for him. But I never thought I didn't know. I never realized that in all the time Quatre was getting me to open up, he wasn't telling me anything about himself. I spent all dinner thinking about it, and really I don't know very much about Quatre at all. It's as if I know just enough to make me think I know him, but I really don't." His voice trailed off, a sense of foreboding entering his voice.  
  
"Trowa, what did Quatre tell you?" Heero and Quatre had never really traded secrets before, but that didn't mean that the little blond didn't know almost everything about him. He was extremely startled to realized that he actually knew very little about the blond pilot of Sandrock.  
  
"He said when he was younger he'd taken a friend-a boy from school-to a party his father was having. It was innocent enough, but the crowd didn't think so, and neither did his father. He beat him, and had the guards take him to a room. The bastard kept him there for two weeks, no food, no water, no bathroom, nothing! His father would come up everyday, and ridicule him, and sometimes beat him. His sisters finally managed to get him out, but it took him months to recover."  
  
"He told you all of that?" Duo's voice reflected the anger prevalent in the room. It was a good thing Mr. Winner was already dead.  
  
"The way he said it.so cold, as if he was being forced, as if I were holding a gun to his head and making him tell me. I didn't realized- because he'd never told me-that locking him up in our rooms was probably the worst thing I could have ever done. I didn't know that he would associate me with his father."  
  
"You didn't know. Just like you said, Quatre didn't tell you, or anyone else. Is that why you let him out?" Heero was struggling with his own sense of justice.  
  
"No, I let him out because he asked me too." At their questioning looks he continued, "There's more. Quatre mentioned using his empathic powers to link with his friend during the night of the party. Heero, how much do you know about Empathy in general?"  
  
"A little, I needed to know so I could avoid scans. Why?"  
  
"Quatre said that when his father was beating him, he linked with his friend from the party. He said that as long as his friend was safe, then he would be at peace." He paused, "Then he said the same thing about me. His voice was cold, but he said that throughout the ordeal with his sisters, he'd been trying to keep their words away from me. He said the words hurt more than the fists. He told me he could take the pain; physical and emotional, as long as I wasn't effected by it. He then said I betrayed him, that I started to doubt in our relationship, and that he could no longer take refuge in my peace, away from those same words that were killing him.  
  
"Heero, can that be possible? Could Quatre have been protecting me from his sisters so that he could use me as a place to rest after their attacks? Was he using the safety of my love for him, my lack of pain from those hateful words and looks, to cleans his soul?"  
  
There was fear in his voice, such abandoned fear, and Heero felt like taking his taller friend into his arms for safe keeping. "I don't know Trowa. I suppose it's possible. I've heard of experiments where they give empaths a pure partner, someone not affected by the experiment, have them link up, and then torture the empath. In those cases the empaths usually will flee to the mind of their link, taking refuge from the pain, and seeking comfort. Throughout the experiments and torture, the empaths will do everything in their power to keep their links from experiencing the torture, even killing each other to protect their links. It was decided that the links were being used by the empaths as a place to escape from the torture, and also as a place to 'recharge' their own emotional needs. But those were highly trained empaths, and I was under the impression that Quatre doesn't have any formal training."  
  
Trowa nodded his head, "As far as I know he doesn't either, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that I don't know as much as I thought I did about him. He could have had years of training, and I never bothered to ask; what's more, what if he's somehow managed to train himself over the years? That kind of constant pain would make anyone with Quatre's abilities crazy with a need to escape. God Heero, what if he's been living off my emotions from the beginning, since we got together. He's always made sure that I was happy, no matter what it cost him, what if that's because he's been living through me, and if he has, my emotional disposition is so.cold sometimes, it must have been killing him. I must have been killing him." Desperation and sheer agony laced his words.  
  
"I don't know, Trowa. It's possible, but we won't know unless we ask him. Or maybe the empath that Sally sent for can help." Heero felt Duo shift in his arms, and released the unusually quiet man from his grasp.  
  
Duo moved to the window, black with the blanket of night. "God, why didn't he tell us?"  
  
There was silence, then Heero answered, "Maybe he felt he couldn't trust us."  
  
Duo spun around, anger flashing in his violet eyes, "Don't give me that, Heero. Quatre and I have been friends, almost since the start of the war, for over four years! And what about Trowa, they've been together for three years, friends for almost five! Quatre loves him, he wouldn't hold back, he wouldn't!"  
  
"But he has. He's been holding back since the very beginning." Trowa's voice was low, nearly a whisper.  
  
"But why Trowa? Why wouldn't he come to you or me even? I don't get it!"  
  
"Stop and think about it." Heero's voice cut through the pain coming from his friend and lover, grabbing their attention and forcing them to listen. "This all started with his father. None of us have much experience with that, so how would we know what it means to be betrayed like that, by the person that's suppose to love you unconditionally. Then there are his sisters. Trowa, you said that it was Quatre's sisters that got him out of that room. He obviously trusted them, and now look at what they've done, completely turned their backs on him, condemning him just like his father did. All the people that have professed to love him, have turned their backs on him. It's little wonder he trusted any part of himself with us at all, amazing that he even went to you, Trowa, and expressed his feelings to you. Then there are the things we don't know about, like you said, it's become clear that we don't know all that much about Quatre, or his past. He's been so good at hiding it all from us, we never noticed."  
  
Duo's head hung low, shoulders slumped, "I should have noticed, he's my best friend, and I didn't even see how much he was hurting." Heero stood and went to him, holding him close and brushing light kisses into his hair.  
  
Trowa seemed to shake himself, before glancing at Heero and Duo, then he stood, "You have nothing to feel bad about Duo. I'm the one that professes my love to him every night, and yet I'm the one that had no idea until he fell apart.  
  
"But this isn't the end, I'm not letting him go. We'll find a way out of this, I'll find a way to bring him back. I swear it." Then Trowa moved to the door and left, leaving an empty swooshing sound and two lovers to seek some measure of comfort from the horrors the world could produce. 


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4  
  
After leaving Heero and Duo's room Trowa went to the garden to relax. There were so many times he'd gone there with Quatre, just to take in the beauty of the place. Quatre never grew tired to the different varieties of flowers that bloomed. 'I think it's because here, on Earth, all of the flowers grow because they want too; in the colonies, they grow because people make them.'  
  
They could spend hours wandering the gardens, holding hands, and just allowing the peace and harmony of the place to bring them closer together. He didn't love the visual beauty of the place as much as he enjoyed the feelings that accompanied it, the feeling of being safe, with Quatre by his side.  
  
For some reason he couldn't explain, as he walked in the gardens that night, the peace he usually felt was still there, even though Quatre was in their room, sleeping on the bed. He felt safe, like Quatre's presence was with him here, and the idea to bring his lover to this place as soon as he woke up, crossed his mind.  
  
A sudden sound caught his attention then, and he turned to see Marieminna watching him from the side of a red rose bush. He thought then, just how much she resembled her father. "Trowa?"  
  
He gave her a small nod, and a slight smile.  
  
"Do you think Quatre will be able to come out and play later?" Since that terrible incident nearly three years ago, Marieminna had almost regressed to the childlike state she should have always been in. He thought a great deal of it had to do with Lady Une's constant supervision, and love. The ex-commander had adopted the little girl after the attack, and almost since that day she had become more like the child she was. It was hard to say how it happened, but it seemed that none of the pilots could stand to carry a grudge against the little girl. Even Heero and Wufei would occasionally spend time with her, but none more than Quatre.  
  
Almost from the first day she'd arrived, Quatre had latched onto her and taken her under his wing. He treated her like a younger sister, and it was obvious the role reversal gave him a great measure of joy. His lover insisted on taking the little girl everywhere, and would often make special trips into the cities to acquire for her, some new trinket or other. Quatre was forever talking with her, or playing games that no respectable person would play, such as tea party, or horsy. But for Quatre, it was more than a game, so much more. It was his chance to be the older brother, his chance to enjoy the attention she showered upon him. Wufei often joked that he should watch out because Marieminna might replace him in Quatre's heart, especially if she got any cuter. Trowa would only smile and think how good a father Quatre would one day make.  
  
But now, after the events that had come to the front, Trowa began to examine Quatre's relationship with Marieminna in a new light. It seemed to him that Quatre was probably capturing his lost childhood by making sure Marieminna had a wonderful one. Again Quatre was making others happy, so he could feel what it was like to be a child, and be happy. Trowa unconsciously shook his head.  
  
"Trowa?"  
  
"Hm? I'm sorry Marieminna, Quatre is not feeling well right now. Perhaps he'll be able to come out to play in a few days." He didn't want to lie to her, but it was too hard to explain to a little girl that her best friend was dying inside.  
  
She seemed to roll the idea around in her head for a while, being extra quiet, and just looking at him. Her eyes, they always seemed to look directly into his soul. "Lady Une says that Quatre's heart is sick, is that what's wrong with him?"  
  
"Yes, and he needs some extra special care. That's why he can't come out and play right now, he has to rest to get better."  
  
She shook her head in understanding, "After my Mommy died, I got sick in the heart too. I had to stay inside for a really long time, but I got really bored. Maybe Quatre will get bored too. If he does, do you think I could visit him, I'd be really quiet, and wouldn't make him play horsy or anything. Maybe I'd even make the tea this time!" So much like a child, and yet so aware of too much. She was an enigma of innocence and ruthlessness.  
  
"Perhaps. But I think for right now, we should let Quatre just sleep, don't you agree?"  
  
"Ummh, but then, maybe later." She dropped the end of the sentence and turned pleading eyes on him. He gave her a smile.  
  
"Maybe later."  
  
"Alright. I think I'll make him a card. Lady Une said that when I get sad I should make a card. Well, I'm sad that Quatre isn't able to come out to play, and I'm sad that he's not feeling well, that sounds like an occasion to make a card, doesn't it?"  
  
"I think he'd enjoy a card very much."  
  
She nodded her head, and then got very quiet. "Trowa?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Is Quatre sick because of those mean women that are always coming and making him sad? Lady Une said they were his sisters, but I don't think sisters are suppose to make you all-all zombie like when they leave. Isn't that right?"  
  
Her intelligence was masked by her age. She knew the world, understood the basics of it's concepts. But mostly she knew Quatre, he was after all, her very bestest best friend. Trowa moved to kneel in front of the little girl. "In part, but Quatre's heart has been sick for awhile, and we didn't know. Now Sally is having someone come to talk to Quatre, just like you had all those counselors talk to you, and even Heero too." She nodded, "Well, Quatre will also be talking to someone. We hope it will make him feel better, but it's very important that we tell him how much we love him all the time from now on. So the idea you had for a card, that would be a very good idea."  
  
She smiled at the praise, "I'll start working on it right away. It's late, and I better get back before Lady Une gets worried." Then she got a very excited look on her face, the kind all little girls with secrets should have. "Trowa, if I tell you a secret, will you promise not to tell Quatre, I want to be the one to tell him?" He nodded his head.  
  
In a quiet whisper, that was really nothing more than a stage whisper she said, "I've been talking with the counselors about something Quatre told me, and I decided to do it!" Excitement seemed to permeate her entire body, and she nearly shook with it. "I wanted to tell Quatre first, but I just can't keep it in! I'm going to ask Lady Une tomorrow, after breakfast, 'cause we always eat breakfast together, if she'll let me call her Mom. Quatre and I talked it out, and decided that since I always called my first Mommy 'Mommy', that it would be ok if I called Lady Une, my new Mommy, Mom. That way it'd be different, but the same. I'm so excited, and I can't wait! I think Lady Une will be really happy too, don't you?"  
  
The smile that spread across Trowa's face could not have been interpreted any other way. Lady Une had struggled with her feelings for the small girl before him, and he could understand why. But he had no doubt that this new revelation in their relationship would have a very mothering effect on the woman they'd come to see as their boss, and in some ways friend. "I think she'll be very, very happy, Marieminna."  
  
"Yeah. Ok, remember not to tell Quatre. I'll tell him when I come to visit. By then I'll have probably started calling her Mom, but it'll still be a surprise to Quatre. He'll be so excited!" And with that she gave him a huge smile, a quick hug, and was off in the direction of the entrance doors. Trowa couldn't help but hope that if Quatre really needed to experience emotion from another right now, that he'd use the little girl who was about to finally get her childhood back.  
  
He'd gone back to the room then, falling asleep beside Quatre, holding his lover close. He thought on the idea again, and decided that when Quatre was well, they could perhaps discuss adopting a child. His lover would make such a wonderful father.  
  
* * *  
  
The next day was spent in silence, as Quatre slept on, and Trowa did something he swore he'd never do, he read Quatre's journals.  
  
They were bound in leather, the beadwork in intricate designs were an obvious Arabian pattern. Trowa had been surprised when he'd learned that Quatre hand wrote in his journals. 'I guess I just like the feel of a pen in my fingers. It makes my heart feel free to speak.'  
  
He'd told him once that he'd taken the journals with him wherever he went, and that they were one of his biggest liabilities. Trowa could understand why, since fourteen large volume books sat neatly arranged on a shelf by the bed, each representing a single year in Quatre's life. The early ones were childish in design, toy trucks raced across the cover, and most of the entries were written in either crayon, or marker. The first one was from 187 A.C. Quatre was only seven. He was a little surprised a seven-year-old would keep a journal, but he read it anyway. Guilt suffused him, but he felt it for the best, and so continued.  
  
The journals changed in content along with appearance. The first ones were filled with childish words, and dreams. 'I want to be just like Father. He is very good. I will be a great boss some day. Father will like that.' The later volumes took on a more formal look, and by 190 A.C. they were black leather bound books with no design. Their message spoke of the beginning of terror.  
  
'Father doesn't seem happy with me right now. I'm not sure exactly what I did wrong. He's always looking at me, like he expects me to do something. I'm not sure what's going on.'  
  
'Olanna, told me today that father doesn't want me spending time with Aladar anymore. I'm not sure why. He's my best friend. But Olanna said that Father forbid it. Now I don't know what to do.'  
  
'I feel a very strange feeling when I go to Father's study now. I don't know how to describe it. When I'm in the room alone with him, he is very different then with the others. I don't like this very much.'  
  
192 A.C. was encased in leather like the rest, but for the first time there was a lock on it. Trowa picked the lock and opened it. The margins were covered in small poems and angry drawings. Some pages were torn into small pieces, taped back together, and inserted where they belonged. The appearance of the journal was a testament to the writing inside.  
  
'I'm not sure what's wrong with me! Things are so crazy right now! I know it isn't right, all of the Books say it's against natural law, but I can't seem to help it. Why is this happening to me?'  
  
'I told Father I was going to Draevans house to spend the night. He refused. The beating wasn't so bad this time.'  
  
'My sisters are looking at me strangely now. I made the mistake of saying that Cijen's new boyfriend was nice looking. I was only agreeing with Seeafe, but it didn't matter. I can feel them; there's a measure of disgust when they think of me. Why am I doing this to them?!'  
  
And finally the day before the two-week skip, the only time period absent in the little journal.  
  
'The party is going to be great this year. I haven't told anyone about EnLoy coming, I don't want to upset them. He's so excited, he can't wait to see the ice sculptures I promised would be there. He's such a good friend. I'm beginning to think I might be cured of this 'feeling' I have for other boys. I don't have those feelings at all for EnLoy. He's just my friend. I'm so excited to show him the ice sculptures.'  
  
After the gap:  
  
'It almost doesn't seem real to be out of that room. I'm so tired I can barely hold the pen, but I needed to write this all down. My sisters keep telling me to stop writing, that I'll injure my wrist further, but I have to write, it's the only thing keeping me sane.  
  
'I can't forget the sound of Cijen outside my door, screaming at the guards. I can still see her face as she leaned over me. She asked if I could hear her, asked if I could stand. There were tears running down her face, such pain, she was in so much pain. She kept calling me 'Little Brother' telling me she loved me and that she'd take care of me. She didn't mention Father. I don't really care.  
  
'Now I'm lying in her room, in her bed, and she's still yelling at me kindly to put the pen down and let the medicine put me to sleep. I am tired, but I'm afraid to sleep. Afraid I wont' be able to touch Cijen's mind while I sleep. I need her happiness, even if it's tainted with worry for me, she loves me, that's what matters.'  
  
Trowa set the journal aside, Cijen had been the one to save Quatre. God what an act of betrayal to then later turn her back on him. She now led the group against him, against her own brother. Trowa had heard her call Quatre 'Little Brother' on more than one occasion. What was once a term of endearment was now a slanderous remark. Poor Quatre, his poor Quatre.  
  
The next pages were hazy, attesting to the pain medication he must have been on.  
  
'Cijen's still here. She's taking care of me. I miss her when she's gone.'  
  
'Pain isn't so bad, Cijen's happy. She keeps telling me not to worry, Father's not coming.'  
  
'Nightmares are getting worse. Cijen's complaining about a headache. I have to be more careful. Might hurt her.'  
  
'Father went to Earth. I hope he dies there.'  
  
The last was nothing like Quatre. Trowa had to read the page a few times to make sure he'd read it right. There was no doubt in his mind that had he been in Quatre's shoes, he would have wished the same thing, had on more than one occasion; but for his beloved to say it, to put it into writing.the pain must have been unbearable. The next entry proved him right.  
  
'It's been a week, and I'm starting to feel much better. I still can't walk on my own, and poor Cijen is still having to stay with me all the time. She say's it fine, and that she enjoys my company. One of the doctors came in today, and accidentally left my chart where I could reach it when he took Cijen out into the hallway. I read it. Wow, I didn't realize I was such a mess! Two broken legs, one broken arm, one sprained wrist-which I can feel even as I write this-four broken ribs, four cracked ribs, three broken fingers-thankfully on my left hand-and you'll never believe, two broken toes, I don't know how those got there.  
  
'Cijen hasn't let me see a mirror, and quite frankly, I don't want to see one right now. But the file says my face is a mess, both of my eyes are black and blue, broken lip, and even a cracked cheekbone. There are bruises all up and down my body, but I guess that's to be expected. There's a note in there that says I may want to consider plastic surgery for my face later. I hope it isn't that bad.  
  
'It's still ok though. Cijen's still happy, and she's not in any pain. It doesn't hurt so bad, the morphine helps.'  
  
Trowa set the journal down. Tears escaped his eyes. He couldn't imagine being so 'up' about his life after what Quatre must have been though. His beloved's pain must have been unbearable, yet he still remained the cheery boy Trowa had always known him to be. The pain was physical, with the emotional pain so obviously being comforted by Quatre linking with Cijen. Trowa wondered if the woman even knew she'd been the one that held Quatre together. He doubted it.  
  
Standing, Trowa took the remaining journals and moved them to the bedside table. Then he settled into the bed, and drew Quatre close to him, feeling the comforting weight of his lovers' small body against him. For a long moment he ran his fingers through the unruly mass of blond hair and cried silent tears for the pain his love had been though, pain he hadn't felt he could share with him. "I love you, Quatre."  
  
Reaching his hand over, he picked up the next volume and continued to read, still softly caressing the silky stands below his fingers.  
  
193 A.C. harroled the first meeting with the Maganac's, and with it a new sense of pride for Quatre.  
  
'They were so proud of themselves. I felt so beneath them, like it was my duty to protect them. They are men so much better than I am. They have hopes, dreams, they have plans for the future, and they're not about to simply wait for life to come to them. Emotionally, they run the gambit, from inner strength, to fear and betrayal, I feel like I can identify with all of them, like they could each teach me something I haven't known in my life. Rashid, the captain, is strong and fierce, but also gentle and warm. In only one short day, he has taught me so much, and accepted me for who I am, not how I feel or think on an issue. I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different had this man been my father.'  
  
The next account of the Maganacs came a few months later. In the months between, Quatre seemed to find a sense of worth in his life, and he began to question and defy his fathers words against him.  
  
'Rashid asked me to come, and so here I am. He tells me it's nothing like their home on the Earth, and I can't wait to see it. There was a party when I got here, and people made me feel so welcome, I'd almost forgot what it felt like to be welcomed to a party instead of shunned.  
  
' But still, I have to explain something or else I may forget the wonder that accompanied my discovery. There are many women here, and all are very beautiful indeed. They all possess longish black or dark hair, and wear very revealing clothing. I have to laugh because I still wonder how cold they must get. Yet that isn't the amazing part. As Rashid walked me around and introduce me to the others I hadn't met in the battle, there were literally dozens of men obviously with other men! Some sat holding hands, while others were engaged in passionate kisses that Rashid had to clear his throat to interrupt. I'm sure I must have stood with my mouth hanging open the whole time.  
  
' Rashid noticed my shock and told me that because they often fought away from their real homes, a lot of the men had taken lovers. He said that in his culture it was not uncommon for warriors to do such things. I shyly asked if these men preferred each others company over that of a woman, and he laughed heartily. His emotions told me he wasn't making fun of me. He said that some did, and while society on Earth frowned on this type of coupling, his people found little cause to worry as long as their numbers stayed strong.  
  
'I must have let something show on my face because he questioned me about it. I'm still not sure why I said anything, but it seemed to slip past my lips before I had a chance to catch it. Even now my words startle me, 'I wish all people were as accepting as you.' It must have been in the way I said it, because it was like he instantly understood that I was speaking from my own heart. He smiled at me, and then good-naturedly said that he would not introduce me to the women back on Earth who had thought my description attractive. My blush could have caused the skies to turn red.  
  
'He put an arm around my shoulder and I could feel that he understood me, and more importantly accepted me. I don't think I've ever felt this sense of peace that I do now. It's like finally someone understands me. Rashid led me to one of the fires, and I spent the rest of the night in the company of men I was beginning to see were not only like me, but kindred spirits.'  
  
There were many visits to the Maganacs and Quatre seemed to grow more confident and happy with himself after every one. He seemed more like the Quatre that Trowa had met the first time, and it pleased him to know that it was Rashid and the other Maganacs that had helped his beloved. The following journal talked of his time with them, and the training he was undergoing in secret.  
  
'I love my father. Why, I'm not sure, but I do. It pains me to know that I go against him on this. But I cannot allow the colonies to suffer any more. The Maganacs have taught me much, and now I see the suffering that I was so blindly pampered to ignore. I have to do this, continue with my Gundam training. Prof. G has been showing me some of the new techniques. I will not fail the colonies.'  
  
'Father found a way to reach me here. He demanded that I return right away. I refused, and that angered him, but for some reason, I just didn't care. I've thought long and hard about it, and have decided why I'm fighting. This may sound weird, and on paper it looks very strange, but I'm doing this-preparing to start a war with Earth-to protect my sisters. They've always been so strong for me, especially Cijen, and I need to make sure that they have a home in the future. I still can't explain it, but it's just this feeling I have, and I trust my feelings. I'll fight for my sisters, for their freedom, and for the freedom of all the people of the colonies, I have to, I just have to.'  
  
'Rashid had me sit with a shaman today. The shaman wanted to know more about my empathic abilities. I guess they've never encountered anyone with abilities as strong as mine. I tried my best to explain what it was like, and throughout it all, the old man just sat and listened to me. Finally, when I could explain no more he wanted me to try to attempt something.  
  
'I have always been open about my abilities, trying to expand them without others knowing, but I was a little startled when he told me what he wanted me to do. He asked that I allow the emotions of the entire colonies to wash over me; he wanted me to experience as much of them as I could.  
  
'At first I couldn't do it, and I thought perhaps it wasn't within my power, but then I felt Rashid's hand on my own, 'Don't be afraid, Master Quatre.' That was all he said, I swear it, and it was like a dam broke inside me. I won't lie, the experience has probably been one of the most painful in my life. I was completely surrounded by other emotions, and it felt like I was trapped in my own at the same time. I've never felt such raw pain as I did in the emotions I felt coming from the colonies. If I wasn't willing to fight for their freedom before, there will be nothing stopping me now.  
  
'Their pain is so raw, so fresh, I could feel children crying, and sense mothers weeping for things their children would never have. So many of the emotions were for the children, the next generation, the future. I have to protect them, no matter what the cost.  
  
'I must have passed out, because when I woke up, I was laying on the sleeping mats, tucked into Rashid. Later he told me the experience had been too much, and I'd screamed a terrifying cry about children, before I passed out. He'd thought I'd be frightened to wake up in my tent alone, so he'd taken me to his.  
  
'This may sound strange, but in his arms, I felt such safety. There was no sense of desire or anything else like that, in fact, I've almost adopted Rashid as a father. Instead it felt like how my father use to hold me before he began to think of me as disgusting.  
  
'Comfort, it's been a long time since anyone's given me that. I think I miss it.'  
  
Trowa couldn't help it, he tightened his hold on the young man in his arms, rubbing soothing circles on his back. He knew Quatre was still asleep, but that didn't mean that if he was linked to him right now, Quatre wouldn't be able to sense his love for him. Trowa continued onto the next journal.  
  
'I can't believe how excited I feel! It's like a whole new world has opened up for me! Maybe I should explain. There I go again, I can't stop smiling.or giggling. I'm worse than a girl! He's a new recruit to the Maganacs, and his name is Koeran. To put it lightly, he's beautiful. He has shoulder length brown hair, and he's tall, much taller than I am; I have to look very high up just to talk to him. He's very well built, and muscular, and I look very weak next to him. I guess it must be comical to see us together, I must look like such a girl with my delicate features. Oh no, I'm doing it again, this smile just doesn't seem to want to go away. AHHHHHHH!!!'  
  
Trowa smiled at the twinge of jealousy that touched his heart. He couldn't help the feeling, or the smile, it was nice to read that his beloved had found someone to care for, even if it wasn't him. But there was no doubt in his mind that he was glad Quatre was laying in bed beside him.  
  
'I'm in a panic!!! A complete and total panic! Koeran and I were walking from my Gundam and his mobile suit back to the camp, when he suddenly leaned down and kissed me!!! I mean it, he kissed me!!! I was so happy, and so was he, I could feel his happiness when I didn't push him away. We both giggled, and it was so strange to seem him-this very tough looking boy giggling. We detoured from the camp, and went to sit by a stream. We just talked then, and he held my hand. I was so excited, I was shaking, and we both laughed at that. He told me that he'd been watching me for a while, but that it had taken Rashid to finally let him know that I was interested in him. I can't believe Rashid would say that, but I'm so glad he did.  
  
' When if finally got too dark, to see each other clearly, we walked back to camp, got our dinners, and went to my tent. You should have seen the knowing looks on everyone's faces when we walked into camp. Abdule even gave me the thumbs up sign, I know I blushed bright red then. When we got to my tent, we probably talked half the night away. Then when it was time for him to leave, I must have been feeling very brave, because I leaned over, and kissed him!! I know, I can hardly believe it myself. It was very sweet, soft, and I remember thinking that it was all worth it. Now that I've written all of this, I can't wait for tomorrow. I think I'll kiss him again. Koeran.'  
  
Almost a year went by, the two of them training, and becoming closer. Koeran was a mechanic, and taught Quatre quite a bit about fixing his own Gundam. In return, there were numerous mentions of Quatre showing the boy new songs on the violin. It seemed Quatre enjoyed teaching the other, because of the 'close quality time.' But then, the part Trowa both knew about and felt some measure of panic about happened, recorded in the pages of fourteen year old Quatres' bead covered journal.  
  
'It's true what they say, you do feel different. I feel like I'm glowing, and that even the people on Earth must be able to see my happiness. Koeran and I didn't plan anything, and now thinking back on it, I'm happy we didn't. We were in my tent again, his being too crowed with is other roommates. We'd had a great dinner, which he'd prepared saying I couldn't cook to save my life. 'Quatre, if I let you cook anything, you'd burn yourself, and then I'd be beside myself with anger at letting you get hurt.' He's always saying things like that, but for some reason it had a different tone on it, a different emotion attached to it. I couldn't quite place it, but I was curious none the less.  
  
'After dinner, we sat by the small fire, and for some strange reason, we started talking about my father. I don't know how it happened, since I've avoided the topic. But he somehow managed to get me talking on it. I told him everything. At first I was hesitant to talk about it. I didn't know how he'd react. But besides the hostile look in his eye, and the anger rolling off of him in waves, he did little else but hold me and let me speak. I didn't cry until the end, and when I did, he rocked me a little and spoke to me softly. 'Quatre, he was wrong. This beautiful thing between us, it cannot be bad. I feel such love for you, and you feel the same for me. How could this wonderful feeling be bad?' I didn't have an answer. 'It isn't bad, Quatre. Your father was very wrong, evil even, to do and say those things to you. You mustn't let his words dictate to you. You must always follow your heart, Quatre. It will never lead you astray.'  
  
'He kissed me then, and what started out as comforting touches, became something more. It was as if we both needed to banish my fathers' words and ideas from me. I feel strange writing this down, because I know I'll never forget it, for as long as I live. But I want to put something on paper, written proof that as far as I am concerned I am now a man. I have to laugh at that last statement, I sound like a warrior finishing his first kill, and in reality I am starting a new life.  
  
'I suppose the correct term is that he took me. I think it would have been strange if it had been the other way around. He was very gentle, but the pain was still very much there. Thankfully I could use my empathy to tap into his emotions. That made it less painful, and far more enjoyable. I'd already known that Koeran had had another lover in the past, he is older than I am by a good four years, so I was not surprised when he was the one to take me.  
  
'The feeling was incredible, to feel so complete, and to know he felt the same way. I can hardly describe it now, hours later. He was as I said, gentle, and he made sure to.I guess you could say take care of my needs as well. I never imagined it could feel as wonderful as it did. His mouth.  
  
'I have to laugh at myself, because I've now turned to look around my empty tent to make sure no one is reading over my shoulder. Suffice it to say, it is an experience I will never forget, and most assuredly hope to enjoy with Koeran again.'  
  
Trowa looked down at the sleeping boy. Quatre had never lied about being with another before him, but it was hard none the less to see it in writing and know how he'd felt with his first lover. But Quatre had never acted as if Trowa was a close second, and he'd never felt that way. He knew that Quatre loved him, even now when he was so hurt, Trowa knew that Quatre would do anything to protect him. He smiled, then, realizing that no one would replace him in Quatre's heart, just as he himself had never replace Koeran. They were different, and Quatre loved them both in very different ways. He was thankful that this young man had been able to comfort his Quatre, and show him the love he'd so desperately needed.  
  
But as he continued on with the journal, he was unprepared for what happened only a few short months later.  
  
'He's dead. I don't know how else to say it. I can't even seem to feel anything. There was an attack on the satellite, a raid to kill the Maganacs. Koeran went out to fight, my Gundam wasn't ready yet, so I was told to say behind. He died out there, in space, alone. He died, and because I didn't fight.it's all my fault. He died because of me.'  
  
'The Maganacs have searched the surrounding space. None can find Koeran's mobile suit, or his body. Tonight he is to be given a warrior's burial. Because I was closest to him, I am to light the bonfire. I'm not sure I can do it.'  
  
'I feel dead inside. Like I died with Koeran. I don't think there's a better way to describe it. He's been gone for two months now, and yet, I cannot seem to find my way back to life. He would be angry with me for morning him so long. He'd tell me to stand tall and proud, and to go chase something in a pair of pants. That's what he'd tell me. But I sit in my tent, waiting for the signal Professor G will give that it's time. The war is about to start, and I find myself hoping to die in the first battle. Koeran would again be angry at my thoughts, but I don't know how else to be. I can't feel anything anymore.'  
  
The next volume started out much the same. Quatre had lost that will to live, yet he constantly talked about wanting to make sure others survived.  
  
'The Maganacs chided me today at my compassion. They see letting others surrender as a sign of weakness. I see it as making sure no one else has to lose those they love. I can't imagine the pain my family will go through when the message arrives that I have perished in this war. I only hope they can be strong together. I miss my sisters so much.'  
  
But in one moment, one day in the life that was Quatre. His entire outlook changed. Everything about the entry spoke of hope, and happiness. It spoke of promise and a reason to live. It was the first entry that had Trowa's name.  
  
'I can hardly remember the battle. It seems so pointless after what I've found. I can feel my cheeks getting red, and I know that just thinking about him has made me blush.  
  
'After the attack seemed to be over, one mobile suit remained. I'd sensed earlier, that the pilots of these suits didn't know who each other were, and neither did this pilot. He tried to attack me, well actually he did, but I managed to block the attack. I called to him over the com unit that we weren't enemies, and were fighting on the same side, the side of the colonies. It took him a moment, but then he finally stopped his attack. The next moment totally changed my life.  
  
'I saw his Gundam's hatch open, and he stepped out, his arms raised about his head. Even now, I can't describe the beauty that is this boy. He's very tall, almost as tall as Koeran, with short hair, except for bangs that seem to always fall directly into his face, blocking half of it from view. He wore a black turtle neck sweater, and a pair of very tight jeans. He's skinny, almost too skinny, now that I think on it, I should probably make him eat something.but I'm getting ahead of myself.  
  
'He was so beautiful, it took me an entire minute of staring at him before I got enough sense together to come out of Sandrock. When I saw him in person, and not through Sandrocks vid-cam, I nearly passed out! He's just so amazingly handsome, I didn't think boys could look like him.  
  
'After what seemed like forever, I finally spoke to him. I told him to put his hands down, that I'd been the one to surrender first. Then I introduced myself, and he did the same. His name is Trowa Barton. I know I must have it bad, because even his name sounds very sexy.  
  
'I have to laugh now, but at the time I could barely breath. I managed to tell him who I was fighting for, and that seemed to appease him enough to semi relax. But it seems that Trowa is always on edge. I mentioned that we were going back to the Maganacs base, and that I thought it would be a good idea if he accompanied me. I promise that I was really only thinking that it would be good to trade ideas with him. Well, I also wanted to get to know him a little better, but that was only a side note.  
  
'Finally he agreed, and returned with us. He's now resting in one of Rashid's rooms. I know that Rashid noticed the way I was looking at him because he mentioned that I had an extra room in my quarters, but I managed to dissuade that idea. I don't think I'd be getting any sleep if I knew that boy was right next door. Not that I'm planning on sleeping tonight.  
  
'I know that I should feel a little guilty about my feelings for this new boy, whom I barely know, and who hardly speaks; but I can't see Koeran being upset about it. He's probably looking down on me and saying 'Finally.'  
  
'I'm not sure what it is about Trowa, but I feel so drawn to him. I hope I have the chance to get to know him better.'  
  
Trowa once again looked at Quatre, and leaned down to place a light kiss on his forehead. "I thought you were beautiful too, Quatre. I still do."  
  
He moved through the first part of the journal quickly. Quatre seemed very much like the person he knew. He spoke of trying to protect his enemies, comforting his friends, and even talking with his sisters once or twice. And every now and again Quatre would mention his name, not so much in passing, but in desire.  
  
'I was so excited, I saw a news broadcast today, and the Heavyarms was sitting right there in the city central. I couldn't see Trowa, but I did get to see the Heavyarms fight, and I knew Trowa was the pilot. It's been hard not seeing him. I hope he's doing well.'  
  
'I've been thinking about Trowa again. He popped into my head when I was listening to some classical music. His ability to play the flute still amazes me. I miss being able to play with him. I wonder if he even thinks about me?'  
  
'I must be crazy! It's been months, and I haven't seen Trowa in all that time, but still I think about him, wonder if he's safe. Rashid asked me today what was wrong, and I told him. He seemed to understand. Actually he wanted to know if I wanted him to go looking for Trowa. I blushed bright red, and said no. He seemed almost disappointed that he couldn't go looking for him. I think Rashid liked Trowa a lot. Trowa, wherever you are, I hope your safe.'  
  
The next entry disturbed Trowa greatly. He shifted on the bed, settling Quatre into an even more intimate closeness to him.  
  
'I chose by land. It was the wrong choice. The cargo was actually going by air, but it turned out that 01,or Heero, and Trowa intercepted the air cargo. Duo and myself attacked the ground. Duo has been working with Heero for quite a while, and it seems he's kind of reckless. But that doesn't even begin to explain the disaster that happened today.  
  
'One of the OZ officials pointed the missile satellites at the colonies. They were going to blow them up, if we didn't surrender. Then this guy, Dr. J told OZ that he was the one sending the Gundams on missions. I've never seen him before, so I reasoned that he must have been sending them to one of the other pilots; Professor G is still sending me mine.  
  
'But Dr. J said that he wouldn't surrender the Gundams. That made the OZ official mad, and she targeted the colonies again. But something happened. Heero, the pilot of Wing, got out of his Gundam, and self detonated.  
  
' I don't know what happened next. Suddenly, I felt this intense pain. It started in my heart, and radiated throughout my entire body. I've never felt such pain before, not since I merged with the entire colonies. I could sense the words of three different people, but I couldn't make out what they said. All I know is that they were stunned, shaken to the core that Heero would do such a thing, simply to protect the colonies.  
  
'I was in so much pain though, I couldn't seem to find a way out. I kept looking for a way to stop it, but there wasn't any. Then I caught a com- signal. It said, 'Hey, hey you!' Immediately I knew it was Trowa! He told us to get out, that we couldn't fight anymore. I agreed, we couldn't fight without harming the colonies, and since they are the reason we fight, we couldn't anymore.  
  
'Duo and I retreated, and I could sense Trowa's worry about Heero. I don't know how, but it's like his emotions have merged with mine. Ever since that blinding pain, I've been able to feel him. It's very strange, and I know he's a very long way away, but I can still sense that even now, he's worried and upset about something. It's probably the colonies, or even Heero's death. Duo is beside himself. After we reached the base, he went to the rooms he was given and hasn't come out since. I can feel his pain even from here. He's felt something for Heero, that much I can tell. He's taking his death very hard.  
  
'I don't know what I'm going to do about this thing I have with Trowa, but right now, I'm just going to be grateful that he's alive, and isn't hurt. I don't know if I could handle that too.'  
  
There were many entries centered around Duo, and some around the time he spent alone, away from the Maganacs.  
  
'I've noticed a strange look in Duo's eyes today. He was watching me read a book by the window, when I sensed his presence. I looked up, and he blushed before cracking a joke and leaving. I can't help but think that he was looking at me in appreciation. I think.well maybe I'm wrong, but I think he might like me. And actually he might think I'm cute, at least that's what I think. I'm probably totally wrong, but his emotions-which I've tried very hard not to read-seem to be a sense of.well, he might have a crush on me. I'm not sure. He's cute, I love his hair, but I can't help but think he's not someone else. He's not Trowa.'  
  
'I couldn't endanger their lives anymore. I've left the Maganacs, and am now on my own. I hope Rashid understands. He's going to be so angry with me. I wish there was another way, but they've all become like family to me, and I will not endanger their lives further. They're safe where they are now, hopefully, they'll stay there. I miss them very much.'  
  
Trowa continued to read, but a skip in the dates caused him to read the next section carefully. He was surprised by what he read.  
  
'I woke up in a hospital today. I asked the blond hared doctor if she could arrange for a shuttle for me. At first she seemed against the idea, but then she promised she would if I stayed and got some rest. I'm following her orders. I'm so tired.'  
  
'You'll never believe what happened to me today! I got on the shuttle back to L4 and the doctor was there. She said she wasn't about to leave me in my condition, so she was accompanying me. When we got to my home, I met with Father. He was less than happy to see me, and we fought. But here's the amazing part, the doctor that has been taking care of me for the last week, is none other than my sister Iria! I haven't seen her since I was a baby, and I didn't recognize her from her pictures in the study. It has been some time since I've been home to see those pictures.'  
  
Then another skip, and Trowa knew what was coming. He braced himself for the next entry.  
  
'Father's dead. Finally that bastard is dead! I feel so alive, like I'm finally free. It's so exhilarating to know that he can't tell me what to do, or who I am, or even who I should fuck. I think I'll go to town after this, I have a ton of energy. I think most people were surprised when I didn't attend the funeral. What's the point, he hated me until the end, telling me not to fight, telling me again what to do. It's a good thing he's dead. Bastard.  
  
'You'll be happy to know that I've started working on the new Gundam. I want off this colony, now! My sisters' tears are driving me crazy. The new system I'm installing should be perfect. I can't wait to try it out. With the ZERO on board, the new Gundam should have a hundred times the abilities of Sandrock. I'll show the colonies. They think they can let us die for them, and then condemn us. HA! I'll teach them, all of them. They don't want war, but they want peace. I'll show them what peace costs, I'll teach them what the price is for life! I think I'll start with my home colony, those bastards and hypocrites! They deserve to die anyway. I'll show them what war is really about!'  
  
Trowa was surprised by the lack of care for his father. It was as if he hadn't cared at all that his father had just died. It concerned him that Quatre was hiding from himself, even while writing the journals. The other thing was Quatre's language. Trowa had known that Quatre had gone completely insane after his fathers death. But he hadn't expected this. It pained him to read Quatre's words of hate and destruction.  
  
For a month, Quatre plotted how best to destroy the colonies. He worked strategy after strategy out, in both his journals and other pieces of paper, which he stuck in. There was no room for error, Quatre was planning on destroying all the colonies and beginning a war to end all wars. There seemed to be little sanity in him, as his writings became more and more broken, as if he himself were falling apart.  
  
Then once again, his name appeared.  
  
'I was thinking today about Trowa. About how he'd feel knowing what I was planning to do. He's always seemed so calm to me, so gentle. I can't be certain that he'd like the idea of me destroying the colonies. But I've been sensing his emotions again. He's in outer space. He doesn't seem happy with whatever he's doing. I hope he stays away from the colonies, I wouldn't want him to get hurt. I wonder if he'll forgive me when this is all over? I hope so.'  
  
Again a gap appeared, and Trowa realized that this was the time that Quatre and Heero had been together, after the colony incident. There were nearly three weeks missing from the journal, and Trowa was a bit worried. The next entry began the first day Quatre and Heero had entered the Sanq kingdom.  
  
'There's such peace here, and I know I don't deserve it. Heero isn't too happy about being here. I think perhaps that Ms. Relena is getting on his nerves. I hadn't realized that I'd been neglecting this journal for so long. I guess I just didn't have anything to say.  
  
'I feel like writing about Trowa or even the colony, but I can't. I try, and the tears well up in my eyes, and it's like I can't breath. My hands are shaking even now, and all I've written is his name. It's like Koeran all over again, only this time I really did kill Trowa. I killed him. I did. It's funny, thousands of people died in the colony I destroyed, but all I can think about is Trowa. I can't feel him anymore. I'm not sure why I'm fighting. It may be time to give up.'  
  
Trowa set the book down and snuggled against Quatre. He still had nightmares about his time in space, drifting, with no where to go but inside himself. It had been Quatre's voice that had eventually brought him back. He'd been thinking of Quatre when the Sweepers had picked him up. He remembered how surprised he'd been when he'd finally looked in a mirror and realized he didn't have short blond hair. Even then, when he hadn't seen Quatre in nearly a year, all he could think about was his angel.  
  
When he'd run into Catherine, on the colony, he'd thought perhaps she could lead him to the blond hared boy that haunted his dreams. But she'd quickly realized that Quatre was another pilot and had forbidden him to speak about the blond. At the time he'd been so lost, so frightened, that he'd simply gone along with what she'd said, thinking she had to be right. Why else hadn't his angel found him yet? He didn't realized at the time, that Quatre had been doing just that, searching with all his strength, to find him.  
  
He picked up the journal again, opening back up to the pages that spoke of Quatre's search.  
  
'I feel as if I've been everywhere, but obviously I haven't been since I can't find Trowa. I don't know how to explain this feeling I have, but I know, absolutely, and without a shadow of a doubt, that Trowa is alive! I can feel him, but for some reason, all I can sense about his presence is that he's in outer space. I tried to reach out for him, to let him know that I was coming for him, but I can't tell if he received me. I wish I could tell him not to worry, that I am coming. I hope he knows, that he realizes that I'm never going to lose him again.'  
  
'It's been two weeks, and I still haven't found even a sign that Trowa was at any of the places I've looked. I've hired people all over the colonies to search for him, but still there haven't been any leads. Trowa, where are you?'  
  
'FINALLY!!! I finished a meeting with the directors, and you'll never guess who was there, just sitting in the chair.Duo! We hugged, and talked for quite some time. I told him that I'd been with Heero, and you should have seen the look in his eyes, he's got it almost as bad as I do. I wonder if they are together? Heero sometimes had a look just like Duo's when I use to speak about him. Naw, it couldn't be, not Heero.  
  
'But that isn't the important part. Well it is important, because I haven't seen Duo in forever, and I was so excited to see him. But he knows where Trowa is!!!!!!! I know! I could barely contain myself when he told me. He said he's with a traveling circus, and now as I write this, I'm on my way to go and find him. Duo did say something strange though. He said that Trowa didn't seem to recognize him at all, and that his 'sister'-whom Trowa never spoke about-made Duo leave. She wouldn't allow him or his friend entrance back into the circus, and he hasn't seen Trowa since. Duo said it's been three days. I hope Trowa's still there. I'm coming Trowa, just hold on.'  
  
Trowa read the pages that spoke of their first meeting, and felt the sadness that had swept though Quatre.  
  
'He didn't recognize me. That's all I can say right now. His sister, was so angry when I tried to explain to Trowa who I was. She wouldn't let me near him. But that isn't the worst. I could feel Trowa's fear as I went to him. He was so scared, afraid I'd hurt him again. No not again, he can't remember me hurting him the first time. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and take him away from that place. But at the same time, he seems safe there. His sister seems to be taking care of him, and won't let him fight. Perhaps I shouldn't be so selfish. Trowa has a second chance, a new start. Something I could never give him. I nearly killed him, what right do I have to try and make his life better? All I want to do is make him happy, that's all.I don't know what I'm going to do.'  
  
'I don't know what happened, but Trowa decided to join us. He's not asking too many questions about his past, and I'm almost grateful, because I'm afraid I'll start crying if I have to answer. He came to me tonight. He knocked on the door, and waited for my call for him to enter. Then he sat down on a chair and didn't say a word. When I asked him if he was all right, he simply said he'd wanted to sit with me. I can't tell you how wonderful it felt to know that he'd sought me out. I wanted to confess my sins to him then and there, but I couldn't, I wouldn't do that to him. He's been through too much. So I offered to play my violin for him. There was a weak smile on his face, but he nodded his head, and I got up to retrieve my instrument.  
  
'His face when I played. He seemed to remember the music; it was the same thing we played together all those months ago. He closed his eyes, and at one point I was sure I heard him humming along. I touched his emotions, very gently, and he seemed at such peace then, while I played. There wasn't the turmoil that his emotions usually displayed. Just then, he seemed happy to be there, happy to be with me. I know now why I haven't given up, why I haven't ended my life. Trowa, I have to live for him. I'm the one that did this to him, and I'm going to be the one that takes care of him, for the rest of his life. I already know I love him. I realized that a long time ago. But when he was just sitting in my room, with his eyes closed, trusting me, I knew for certain. I'll always protect him, always.'  
  
Quatre shifted in his arms, and Trowa was certain it was because of the tears that were rolling down his face. His beautiful Quatre had known all along that they'd be together. And yet he'd felt such guilt about it, such pain at knowing he had caused his amnesia. Trowa wished he could erase the guilt he read from Quatre's journal as easily as he could erase it from his beloved's mind. He settled for knowing he would eventually.  
  
'Trowa took the Wing Zero out today. That machine of death, the very thing I'd hoped would perish into nothing, was housing my Trowa. I wanted to fight, wanted to destroy that damned system for good. But it seems that nothing is entirely bad.  
  
'Quite simply a miracle has happened. Trowa took ZERO into battle, and came back out with his memory. The shift was very traumatic for him, and I've done my best to help guide his feelings through the merge. One set of memories to another, it's very painful, but if it keeps some discomfort from Trowa, I'll bear the burden easily.  
  
'He came to me after the flight, and together we went to my quarters. He seems so different than I remember him. But I guess that's to be expected. I haven't seen him, really seen him, in almost a year; add that to the merge his mind is going though, and its completely understandable. His emotions seem different some how, and I sense a strange feeling from him when he looks at me.  
  
'I couldn't stand it any longer, and I begged his forgiveness for everything that I'd done, and even for not telling him the part I played in his amnesia while he couldn't remember. I was on my knees before him, when he got down on the ground with me, and took me into his arms. I can't explain the feelings that ran through me. He told me that there wasn't anything to forgive. He understood what the ZERO had done, and understood what my fathers death must have done as well. I didn't have the courage to tell him that my fathers death meant nothing to me, that he was the only thing that mattered. But to know that in some way, he forgives me, it gives me hope, hope that he could one day come to trust me again. I've missed him so much, longed to hold him so badly. My beautiful Trowa.'  
  
Trowa started at the line about Quatre's father. Could Quatre really have felt nothing about his fathers death, or was it simply easier for him to think that way. Trowa didn't know.  
  
The journal continued through the end of the battle, and spoke of Quatre's joy that the war was finally over.  
  
'It doesn't seem possible that it's finished. All this past year, I've hoped and prayed for the end of the war, and it seems that it's finally come to pass. I don't know how to describe the feelings that came over me today as that last piece of the battleship was destroyed by Heero. I must have blacked out from the stab wound, but I felt-I know I felt-the entire universe give a sigh of relief. It felt so peaceful, and for a moment, I finally understood. This, this terrible act of war, has finally managed to bring peace, to both the Earth and the colonies. Finally, the war is over.  
  
'I'm so tired now as I write this. I woke up in the hospital again. But this time Trowa was by my bed. He was sitting in a chair, just looking at me, a small smile on his face when I woke up. I've never been so happy in my life.  
  
'I guess I should say that I was stabbed. It's actually embarrassing after all the fencing lesson's I've taken throughout my life. But Dorothy Catelonia managed to stab me with her foil while we were fighting in the barge. But besides that everything went well. Actually, Trowa saved me. He managed to find me, and helped me out of the room I was in with Catelonia. She is a very sick young woman, I hope she finds a measure of peace now that the war is over.  
  
'But again I digress, Trowa saved me. He had to practically carry me back to Sandrock. I know I should have been worried, but I linked with him, and didn't feel most of the pain from the wound. Later when we were in our Gundams, that's when I had to let the link go; I didn't want to impede his piloting abilities. That's when the pain got bad, but I had more important things to worry about.  
  
'Now that I have time to rest, it feels so wonderful to know that the missions are over, and I can begin to make up for all of my sins. I know I should be thinking about that right now, but I'd rather think about Trowa. He's still sitting in the chair by my bed, watching me write this. I wonder if I'm blushing? Opps, I laughed and Trowa's looking at me questioningly. I told him I remembered a joke from when Duo had been in.  
  
'Duo, bless his soul, had been true to his word, he found Trowa and I, only a few minutes after I'd woken up, and brought in the champagne. I don't think it's ever tasted as good. I wonder if it's the fact that the war is finally over, or the company in the room? Oh, who am I kidding, it's Trowa. There I go again, laughing, I better stop now, before Trowa thinks I've gone completely insane.'  
  
Trowa put down the volume, it was the last entry. The end of the war had made all of the pilots happy, but he remembered that it seemed to dance in Quatre's eyes. Quatre didn't know, but while he'd been sitting by the bed, Quatre had called to him, saying his name over and over. It was then that Trowa had come to terms with Quatre's feelings for him. He'd been a bit surprised, but not startled. He himself had longed to see Quatre again during the war, to experience the sense of peace the young boy had given to him. He'd known that very day, as he'd sat by Quatre's bed waiting for his angel to awaken, that he would fall in love with him. He needed Quatre, desperately, and now he was happy to read, that Quatre had felt the same.  
  
Picking up the next journal, he took a deep breath, knowing that this volume would contain the time that he and Quatre had struggled to reach each other. He was worried that this volume would prove that he'd completely destroyed Quatre during that time when he'd been unable to give him the relationship he desired.  
  
The first entries talked about joining the Preventers, and even the episode with Marieminna. Quatre glossed over the events concerning the child. He protected her even in his writings of her. The pieces he wrote about Trowa were long and drawn out. He wrote of his happiness to learn that Trowa felt the same way for him, and the joy that he felt knowing his dreams were about to come true.  
  
'I never dreamed it would happen like this. I never hoped to imagine that it could be so perfect. Trowa and I went to the circus to see his sister, Catherine. I'm not sure she was very happy to see me at first, but I think Trowa must have said something to her, because after I returned from bringing in the present we'd brought her from the car, she seemed to be much more friendly.  
  
'We sat and had some tea, and then Trowa took me around and introduced me to all the animals. It seemed almost childish at the time, but I was so happy to be allowed this experience. He's so passionate about the animals. I wonder if there's a way we could get a lion in the complex? Lady Une might not like that idea, but if it will make Trowa happy I'll find a way.  
  
'I asked Trowa about Catherine, and he blushed before telling me she had just been grumpy. I was so startled to see him blush, that I didn't even care about Catherine anymore. He's so cute when he blushes. AHHH! But I'm getting ahead of myself again. Notice I tend to do that where Trowa is concerned? Oh well.  
  
'I'm not sure what happened, but there must have been a piece of rope or something lying on the path, because I tripped and fell like an idiot. But I'm not complaining. Immediately, Trowa was by my side, asking me if I was all right. I told him I was only being clumsy, and he shouldn't worry about me. He turned away from me then, and blushed again before saying, 'I always worry about you, Quatre.' I swear my heart was beating so loud I was sure everyone on the colony could hear it. I could sense from Trowa this emotion I'd only sense in passing before. It felt like.well, I guess you could say like warm cookies. Comforting, and yet very exciting. I must have blushed then too because the next thing I knew we were both laughing. God I love to hear him laugh. He doesn't do it very often, but when he does, it lights up my entire life. I want to be the one to make him laugh like that forever.  
  
'We went back to the trailer, and chatted with Catherine for a while, before Trowa and I retired to his old one. I guess Catherine had been keeping the trailer with the circus hoping Trowa would return. She'd said we could sleep there for tonight, because Trowa is going to introduce me to the show tomorrow evening. I'm very excited, but I'm even more excited, happy, ecstatic, amazed.oh, just listen.  
  
'When we got to his trailer, Trowa realized that there was only one bed. He said that he'd sleep on the floor, but I told him there was no way, that it was his trailer, and I'd be more than happy to sleep on the floor. But again he refused, saying I was his guest. I didn't know how to rebuff that one, so I simply put my foot down, and said no. The next thing I knew, we were agreeing to share the bed. I was so amazed and a little scared that I couldn't even blush.  
  
'We were getting ready to go to sleep when I sensed fear coming from Trowa. It wasn't bad fear, almost an embarrassed kind. I asked him what was wrong, saying I could see he was upset from his expression. Trowa still doesn't know that I can read him so well. I think perhaps that I'll keep it my little secret.  
  
'He said he was a little embarrassed. I asked him what for, and he blushed again. I couldn't help the smile that stole across my face then, he really is very cute when he blushes. He was very quiet then, before telling me that he didn't have anything to sleep in. This puzzled me, since we'd known we were going to stay the night. I asked him why he didn't just sleep in one of his shirts, and he blushed again, well now that I think about it, he'd never stopped blushing from the first time. Then he said in the cutest voice, 'I don't usually sleep in anything.' I just about died. My Trowa, the boy of my dreams, who'd slept in the room next to mine for the last seven months, had been naked all that time. I think my heart must have stopped beating, I know I was getting lightheaded.  
  
'I wasn't sure what to say, and then all of a sudden, I was telling him not to worry about it, I didn't mind. I know! Can you believe I said that? The words never even registered in my brain, they just went straight from my heart to my mouth. You should have seen his expression, it was stunned, like he'd never imagined I'd say something like that. I couldn't believe it either, and for a second, I panicked. I scanned him quickly to see just how much damage to our friendship I'd done, when the most amazing thing happened, he laughed. A hearty laugh, that shook the trailer even. For a second I didn't think he was going to stop. I was so embarrassed, and still more than a little afraid, I went to his side to apologize. Then it happened.  
  
'I put my hand on his knee, and a bolt of.something ran through both him and myself. All of a sudden, he stopped laughing, and just stared at me. I couldn't read anything from his expression, and so I linked again with him, hoping to find out what the feeling was that had stunned us both. And there it was, desire. It was so obvious, it was written clear as day on his face, and I could read it once I knew what I was looking for. He wanted me, he wants me. I can hardly believe it now, and I was totally surprised then. He said my name, and it was like a movie. I leaned up, and very gently, kissed him on the lips. Even now, I'm amazed I did it, but it felt so right, so perfect.  
  
'He didn't move away, and yet he didn't return the kiss either. I leaned back on my heels and just looked at him. He looked so beautiful then, his eyes were closed, and his lips were slightly apart. He's the most beautiful person I've ever met, I'm so very lucky.  
  
'He opened his eyes a moment later and looked at me. I must have blushed, because he said my name again. When I looked up he said the cutest thing to me, he said, 'Why'd you stop?' I smiled, a real smile, one that made all the others of my past seem only like smirks. I couldn't help it, he'd basically told me in less than three words that he accepted me, desired me even. He wanted me to kiss him again, so I did.  
  
'When both of us needed air, I sat back on my heels again. 'Trowa, this-this is ok with you, isn't it?' He'd looked thoughtful for a moment, before he answered, 'Yes, but there's still one problem.' I don't think I've ever been so relieved and so frightened in such a short amount of time. 'What's that?' 'I still don't have anything to wear to bed.' And just like that, the awkwardness was broken. I leaned up and kissed him again, and he returned the pressure lightly. I realized then, that this was what we both wanted, needed, each other.  
  
'Finally, after a few more kisses, I put him in one of my shirts, he actually let me dress him, I was in heaven, and then we went to bed. Somewhere in the process of settling in, he called to me, 'Quatre?' It was music to hear my name on his lips. 'Yes?' I answered back. 'Are you comfortable?' I smiled again, and then without thinking, I sat up, and pulled him into my arms. He seemed stunned for a moment, but it was such a small moment, then he relaxed, and pillowed his head against my chest. 'I am now.' And I was. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have everything I've ever wanted. I love him so much, and finally, I'm going to get the chance to tell him how I feel. I love him, and he may not love me back yet, but I'm going to do everything in my power to prove to him that he can trust me, that he can fall in love with me. I love him so much.'  
  
Trowa cringed after the next few months' worth of entries. It had started.  
  
'I feel almost at a loss with Trowa, as if there isn't anything that I can do to make it better. He's having a very hard time opening up to me, and well, I'm more than a little scared. I've tried giving him subtle encouragement, like holding his hand, or even sneaking a quick kiss when I know absolutely no one is looking; but even that doesn't seem to be working. I don't know that much about his past, I mean, he's never really brought it up. But every time I do, he brushes it off, and refused to talk about it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Well, that's not true. If Trowa needs to be in this place right now, if he's happy with the way things are going between us, then so am I. I'm not going to press him, I'm just going to stay by his side, and keep telling him how much I care about him. Hopefully, that will be enough.'  
  
'He told me a secret today. We were in my room, sitting on the couch together, when he suddenly just said, out of the blue, 'Quatre, my childhood was basically non-existent.' Just like that, no explanation, no follow up sentence, that was all he said. I'm not sure why, but I accepted it. I didn't pressure him for more information, and after a few minutes, he settled back into his book. I'm not sure what he meant, but it hurt him a lot to say what he did. But still, I can't help being happy that he told me, that he opened up to me, finally. After a few minutes, I leaned over and gave him a passionate kiss. 'Then we can share mine.' That's what I said. He doesn't need to know that I didn't have much of a childhood either. For him, I'll have the best childhood imaginable.'  
  
'It's been almost a week since Trowa told me that little sentence about his childhood. I'm beginning to wonder if I should press the issue or not. He's always seemed to shy away from those sorts of topics, so I don't want to scare him, but I don't think not mentioning it will help him either. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I'm so grateful for the chance to know Trowa, and to be able to kiss him is honestly my dream come true. But I can't help but wonder about what more there is for us. We've been together for almost four months, and while the kisses are wonderful, soft and passionate, I can sense that he wants to get closer to me. But again, there's this barrier that's standing in our way. I wish Trowa would open up to me, tell me what makes him so sad. All I want to do is be there for him, to take care of him. I love him so much.'  
  
"I know what you mean." Trowa said, and turned on the lamp next to the bed. The sunlight was about to give out. He'd spent all day reading the journals, laying beside Quatre. There were still more to read, but Trowa took a moment to examine what he knew so far.  
  
Quatre's past was just as dark and deadly as his own. Where he had had no one, Quatre had instead been betrayed by those he loved. Trowa was still having problems processing all that Quatre had been through. From his father's abuse, to his struggle to find meaning in his genetically created life, to his once thought non-developed empathic abilities, to his time with the Maganacs, and his experiences as a pilot, it was a miracle Quatre had chosen to continue breathing.  
  
It seemed obvious now that Quatre was very much living in the emotions of others. He'd confessed to doing so with his sisters during the trying times with his father. Then there was the fact that the two of them had been linked by some mysterious force throughout the war. Trowa was concerned how much the journals couldn't show about Quatre's inner pain. During the time when Quatre had thought he was dead, must have been incredibly painful, since there seemed to be little written about it.  
  
Quatres' seeming lack of concern for his father's death came as a shock also. Trowa had expected his death to have devastated Quatre; and while it did, it didn't seem to have registered with the young man. He reasoned that perhaps the difficulties he'd been having with his sisters, may have been the cause. Perhaps their constant reminder of Mr. Winner's dislike for Quatre may be keeping him from reconciling his death.  
  
At this point, Quatre was 17, almost 18. He himself was 18. Trowa couldn't help but think about how young Quatre had been then; trapped in his agony. Curling his fingers around Quatre's hip, Trowa began to read again.  
  
'I have a terrible headache. I've been siphoning off Trowa's excess feelings of abandonment. My poor Trowa is suffering so much. Ever since he told me about the men that raised him, he's been wrestling with this continuous feeling of being alone. I've tried to tell him over and over that I'm here and I'm not leaving him, but it doesn't seem to be helping. Trowa is just so lost, I want nothing more than to wrap him up, and shut him away from all the pain in the world, but I know I can't.  
  
'Trowa only told me that the mercenaries were not kind to him, and he explained to me that while he was with them they called him 'Nanashi" which translates into 'No Name.' I can't imagine not having a name, but he acted as if that was simply the way it was. I have a feeling he's holding more from me. He doesn't know, but I've already figured out what he's not telling me. I have to be so careful, because all I want to do is kill each and every one of those hateful bastards, but I can't let my emotions get too strong or they might bleed over and scare Trowa.  
  
'The good news is that he's finally talking to me about it. I'm so glad I didn't have to use any of my abilities to 'convince' him to talk to me. I was getting a little worried, but now that he's come to me, I'm positive we can work though this.  
  
'I'm going to rest now, this headache is killing me.'  
  
'It finally happened. Six months after getting together, and it finally happened.  
  
'Trowa was sitting on the couch in his room. I'd come over to sit with him since he hasn't been feeling well lately. My poor Trowa actually caught a cold. He's been so tired lately, and since he can't remember the last time he felt really sick, he's even being grumpy. He's so cute when he pouts, it's all I can do to keep from kissing him senseless. But I digress.  
  
'He said he didn't want any tea, but I told him I wasn't going to let him sleep until he'd had at least one cup. I'd secretly put the medicine that Sally had given him into it. I can't believe how bad Trowa is about taking medicine! He's like a child, I swear. I love him for it.  
  
'He started to pout that the tea was too hot, and so I got an ice cube to cool it down. The he said it wasn't sweet enough. My Trowa has this thing about sugar, I know I've mentioned it before, but it's just so adorable to see the way he eats the stuff. I think if I let him, he'd eat it by the spoonful. After I'd added the sugar, he started complaining about it being too heavy for him to hold. At this point, I thought he was serious, and got very concerned. I've already said he'd been so tired, I was worried he would just pass out or something.  
  
'But when I moved over to sit beside him, and hold the cup, he leaned in and kissed me, then said, 'Quatre, you're so good to me.' I can't tell you how good it felt to hear him say that. I called him on his make believe complaints, and he just laughed. He's so sexy when he laughs!  
  
'When he'd finally gotten the tea down, he rested his head on my shoulder, 'I'm tired now Quatre.' He sounded so much like a child. I got up, and sat on the other side of him, closest to the arm of the couch, and them pulled him into my arms. He laid there for a long time, while I ran my fingers through is hair, and told him how much I loved him, and that I was sorry he wasn't feeling well. I felt him shift, and then he was clutching to me, both of his hands had grabbed at my shirt, and suddenly he started shaking violently. I was so terrified, I thought maybe the medicine Sally had given him was causing him to have an allergic reaction. But I was wrong.  
  
'His voice was so small when it started out. There weren't any tears, only a very desperate sound in his voice that I hope to Allah I never hear from his sweet mouth again. He told me about what the mercenaries had done to him. He didn't say they raped him, instead words like 'used' or 'took', it was as if he couldn't acknowledge to himself what they had done to him. When the tears finally came, they were silent, and even during the sobs that followed he didn't make a sound.  
  
'He told me that if he protested against their 'advances' they'd beat him within an inch of his life, and since he was responsible for getting his own food, he couldn't afford to be so badly hurt. He told me in a quiet pleading voice that it hadn't been so hard for him to just pretend he wasn't there.  
  
'During all of his confessions, I didn't speak a word, just ran my hands through his hair and across his face. Trowa likes it when I touch his hair, I think perhaps Catherine might have done that for him, I should ask her. But as I said, I didn't say a word, I didn't trust myself not to start screaming and not be able to stop. I could feel the hurt coming off of him, and I did my best to give him all of my good emotions, to share with his battered soul all those feelings of love and happiness I had for him. I needed him to know that even though he thought he was worthless, in my eyes, in my heart, he is the most precious thing in the universe. All of this I conveyed with my abilities.  
  
'When he'd calmed down enough so that he wasn't sobbing anymore, but still tears shed themselves from his beautiful green eyes, I started to talk. I told him everything my heart had been telling him earlier. How much I loved him. How he was the most important thing in my life, and that I'd always love him no matter what. I told him that what they'd done to him was wrong, and that it wasn't his fault. He tried to protest then, saying he'd belonged to them.  
  
'I nearly died when he said that. I pulled him closer to me, and with tears in my throat told him that he only belonged to himself, and no one else, not even me. That I loved him and would take care of him for the rest of our lives, but that he didn't belong to me. I told him that he was free now, and had been since he'd left them. I said that he was free to go wherever he wanted, and that he was his own man. I wanted him to know that I would stay be his side as long as he let me, and I made sure he understood that I would never leave him, that if anyone ever left our relationship it would have to be him. I said all of this in word, and feeling, and at the same time, I caressed his face, and dropped light kisses into his hair.  
  
'Finally it was too much for him, and he fell asleep in my arms. My poor, beautiful, Trowa. I wish I could take all the pain away, and make him feel better. I'll have to settle for the siphoning that I've been working on these last few hours since he fell asleep. There's so much pain, and it's so raw and hopeless. Now that I'm in his deeper emotions, I can sense that he's been waiting all this time for me to leave him. That's why he had all those feelings of abandonment earlier. My Trowa thought I was going to leave him. So that was one of the first things I changed. I pathed to him over and over that I loved him and I am never going to leave him. When I felt the suggestion take, I realized I'd been at it for almost three hours before he'd accepted it. I'll have to reinforce the idea later, make sure that he knows he'll never have to be alone again.  
  
'I've managed to get Trowa to bed, but I'm not going to leave him tonight. As soon as I put this down, I'm going to crawl into bed with him and hold him tight. I don't want him to wake up alone. I have to make sure he understands that I'm not going to abandon him, that I'm going to stay with him no matter what.  
  
'I should say though, that I'm planning on finding out who these mercenaries were. I'm not going to say anything to Trowa, he never has to know about this. In the morning, I'll call for a team to comb the Earth records from where Trowa was raised. When I find those men, if they're still alive, I'll kill them myself. No one hurts my Trowa.'  
  
Trowa was in shock. Right here, in this one entry, he'd been privy to emotions and circumstances he'd never know about either himself or Quatre. The fact that Quatre had been pathing to him during this incident was crazy. His beloved must have been in so much pain, but then, to take Trowa's pain too, it was insane. And then for Quatre to path again to him, this time with suggestions, he couldn't imagine the strain it must have been on him.  
  
Then there was the last comment. Trowa had never heard about Quatre having Ident. Teams sent to Earth to look for the mercenaries he'd traveled with. And for Quatre to say he would kill any he found, Trowa had a bad feeling that his beloved had found one or two of the mercenaries still alive. He wondered if Quatre had killed them, his gut told him that he had. The next entries proved him right.  
  
'Trowa's still doing very well. He's working through his past, and I'm doing my best to comfort him. He mentioned to me today that he wanted to move forward in our relationship. He asked me if I was satisfied with where it was. I could sense his fear that I would tell him no. Regardless of my own frustrations, I'm more than willing to wait for Trowa, forever it that's what he needs. I told him this, and I could sense his relief immediately.  
  
'I told him that when he had put the past behind him, and only when he is completely ready, I'd show him what love is. I'd show him that it isn't painful or disgusting. I told him it wouldn't be sex when we were together, that I'd make love to him, and hold him all night long. He relaxed a little more after we talked. I think he was so worried about me that he hadn't taken the time to worry about himself. Silly Trowa, he hasn't realized that everything in my life is about him. Silly, beautiful, strong, Trowa.'  
  
'The Ident. Team found one of the members of the mercenary team. I took the first shuttle to the area I could get. Luckily, Trowa is on a patrol mission with Wufei for the next week. I miss him, but I'm glad that I didn't have to explain to him where I was going. Hopefully Duo won't open his mouth, and Trowa will never know I was gone.'  
  
'I promised Jega half a million credits to help me find my long lost brother. I told him that through my Ident. Team we'd surmised that a young boy that had been with his team might be my brother. I asked him to describe the boy. The way he described Trowa made me sick. He spoke of him like my beloved was nothing more than a slave. He said 'the boy' was always quiet, but was a damn fine mechanic. I asked him if he'd been treated well while with them, and the fucking bastard lied to me! His exact words were, 'Oh hell yes. We treated him like a goddamned prince!' I had a bullet in his head before the 'c' sound was done echoing. I sent the team out again to keep looking. I'm on my way back to the complex, I can sense Trowa, which means he and Wufei have returned early. I needed to get back to him and find a way to let him know he doesn't have to be afraid anymore.'  
  
Trowa put the book down, and got out of the bed, being careful to settle Quatre comfortably. He moved to the window, noting the moon high in the night sky. He turned back to look at his sleeping lover. He couldn't believe his loving and kind Quatre had so easily killed Jega. The man had been particularly cruel to Trowa, but that didn't matter, Quatre didn't know that. Yet still, his soft-spoken, delicate Quatre, had shot and killed a man, point blank; and the war was long finished. It was so unlike Quatre, and yet at the same time, it was very much like the man that now resided on their bed. The Quatre he'd known when they'd first gotten together had been almost too good, too innocent; and now he'd come to find that in reality, it was only another mask Quatre wore. His patient lover was very much like the rest of them, a cool and ruthless killer, at least when it came to the people he loved.  
  
He knew that Quatre had spared countless lives throughout the course of the war, begging their surrender rather than taking their lives. But it was obvious that Quatre would do anything to protect his family. He'd sold his soul to hell to protect his sister, destroyed his sense of honor to let himself sleep better at night, and now his beautiful Quatre, the angel that had granted him peace, was slowly dissolving into nothing to protect him again.  
  
Moving back to the bed, he pulled another blanket from the foot of the bed, around Quatre, and tucked the sides into his body. Grabbing the remaining four volumes, Trowa switched off the lamp, and left the room quietly, being careful to close the door so only a crack of light could warn Quatre to his presence should he awake in the night.  
  
The couch called to him, and Trowa rested his long body into the cushions. He examined the cover of the book. In the bottom right hand corner, embossed in gold was Quatre's name. He traced the elegant script with his fingers. His heart called to Quatre, wishing against hope that he could be allowed to give back to his lover all that he'd once been given. "Quatre."  
  
He continued with the journal, he knew what was coming next.  
  
'This is one of the very few times that I have postponed writing until the next morning. I can, off the top of my head, think of only 10 or so other time that I have done this, and one of those was the first night I spent in Koeran's arms. Fitting then, this entry, because last night, it was Trowa that lay softly sleeping in mine.  
  
'Once I'd gotten back to the complex after my mission, Trowa asked that we retire to my rooms, he said he needed to talk with me. I of course agreed, and we left the debriefing room for my own. I made him some tea, and we sat together sided by side, on the couch, not saying anything, just being happy to see each other again. It was so peaceful, just to be allowed to sit in his presence, he has such a calming effect on me.  
  
'When Trowa started to speak, I could barely contain my surprise. It seems that while on the patrol, he and Heero had discussed his past, but most importantly the abuses he'd suffered. Heero told him that it wasn't his fault-exactly what I'd said-and that if anything, he needed to find a way to move past the things that had no bearing on the present. 'You'll never be happy if you fight it, instead you have to accept it, and move on. I've said it once, and I'll say it again, the only way to live is by your emotions, and if you don't know what they are, then you better figure it out.' Heero, he's so smart, I could just kiss him!  
  
'Trowa told me that he'd been thinking about what Heero'd said the whole way back to the base, and that now he was ready. I asked him what he was ready for, and he said that it was time we moved beyond his past. I still wasn't sure exactly what he meant, but he was speaking so freely that I didn't want to interrupt to ask. He must have seen my confused express though, because the next thing I knew he had both of his hands against my face. He kissed me then, very delicately, almost like he was testing the waters, to see how I'd react. Not wanting to put added pressure on him, I returned the kiss but didn't deepen it. When he moved back, he kept his hands on my face and gave me the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. It lit up my soul, and for a second I didn't think I could breath.  
  
'In a very soft voice, the kind that Trowa used to use when we'd first met, he told me this, in his exact words, I don't think I'll ever forget, 'Quatre, my past has frightened me away from you for too long. Not anymore. I'm in love with you, and I can finally see that now. I-I want to be with you.tonight. I want us to make love, together.' I'm still so stunned by the courage it must have taken my dear Trowa to tell me so much in so few sentences. There were tears in his eyes, but they weren't tears of pain, but of joy, as if he were so happy to have finally been able to say it out loud, everything he'd wanted, so close he could touch it.  
  
'I was so overwhelmed. I don't think he quite realized how long I'd been waiting to hear those words from his lips. I moved my hands to take his face between them, and gently pulled him to me. I told him over and over how much I loved him and that I'd never leave him, that he could trust me. And my sweet Trowa let me ramble on, until finally he pulled back, and simply said, 'I know.' We kissed then, a passionate kiss that still has my toes tingling. Together we explored each other for a long time, just basking in the feel of one another. It was heaven on Earth.  
  
'Finally I pulled Trowa close to me and whispered to him that I was going to be as gentle as possible, and that if at any time he wanted me to stop, all he had to do was tell me. I made it crystal clear that it didn't matter how far along we were, I wouldn't be angry or annoyed, or any other such ridiculous emotion. Tonight was about him, and only him. Inside however, I knew that I had to banish those long ago memories of terror and fear from him, otherwise he'd only be acting, and I needed him to know that I could bring him real pleasure, not pain.  
  
'He nodded his head, and said that he loved me again, and that he was ready. He tried to apologize for how long it had taken him, but I hushed him and gently scolded him that he had nothing to be sorry about, not ever. I told him that tonight, if he was still comfortable, I would join the two of us together in a way that would only be of love. His smile was weak, but he nodded his head, and spoke the words I'll remember for a lifetime, no matter what happens between us, 'I trust you, Quatre.' God how I love him.  
  
'Gently I pulled him to his feet, and took his hand. My poor Trowa was shaking and I brought his hand up to my lips and warmed them with my breath. I told him to remember we would stop whenever he wanted too. Again he nodded his head and gave me another smile. Leading him across the room, we moved to the bed, and together we sat down. I moved closer to him, and began to kiss him once more. I was surprised when Trowa participated fully, and even deepened the kiss. It seemed my Trowa was just as eager as I, and once he'd decided to move beyond his past, he wanted me just as much as I wanted him.  
  
'After a while of this I stood and brought Trowa up with me. It must have been comical due to his height, but never the less, I managed to get his sweater off, both of us started laughing when the neck got stuck under his chin. I'll have to remember to take Trowa shopping for sweaters that aren't turtlenecks.  
  
'I knelt before him then, and silently asked permission to remove his pants. He hesitated for a fraction of a second, before he nodded his head. But his hesitation was enough. I stood from my spot and gently pushed him back to a sitting position on the bed. Before him, I took off my shirt, and then removed my pants, leaving my boxers in place. I think I should have been self conscious about the evidence of my arousal being so easily pronounced with nothing but my shorts to hide it, but I wasn't, how could I, it was because of Trowa. My Trowa, truly mine now.  
  
'I took his hands and placed them on my stomach. I told him that I loved him and that everything about him made my life better. I promised to stay by his side always, and that we'd remember tonight for the rest of our lives.  
  
'I moved my hands from his then, but he kept his where they were. Then suddenly, he pulled me forward, and wrapped his arms about my waist, resting his head against my chest. He was so brave, but that didn't mean he wasn't scared. I wished I could take the fear from him, but I decided the moment he'd said he wanted to be with me that I wouldn't path with him tonight. I want him to understand, should he ever learn that I link with him, that this night he did everything on his own. I don't want to interfere with this thing that's growing between us, it's too beautiful to disturb, I just want to witness it as it comes.  
  
'I held him for a while, and then finally I pulled away, and moved to sit next to him. I asked him to lean back, and without question or pause he did. I scooted him up onto the bed more fully before I followed and laid next to him, resting on my elbow so I could see him better. With one hand behind his head, and the other resting lightly on his stomach, I was having the worst time breathing. He was-no is-breathtaking. Lightly I traced nonsense patterns onto his chest, watching his pleasure become more evident. I bushed my hand over his nipple and I can't explain the magic in the sound he made then.  
  
'Again I told him I loved him, and that together we had something very special, something that would last forever. I touched the waist of his pants, before looking at him; he had his eyes closed. 'Trowa, open your eyes, I want you to see that it's me, I want you to see my face.' When he opened his eyes, they will filled with desire, and I nearly lost it knowing that that look was only for me. I touched the buttons on his jeans, and asked if I could remove them. He tried to close his eyes again, but then suddenly he opened them, and looked directly at me. He nodded his head, and together we got his pants down and deposited on the floor next to my own.  
  
'I can't describe the beauty of Trowa in that moment that I turned back to see him for the first time bared to me. I giggled, I couldn't help it, I was a little stunned that not only did my Trowa sleep in nothing, but also preferred to wear nothing beneath his clothing. He gave me an odd look, and I leaned over him, careful not to appear towering, and kissed him gently. 'If I'd known what I was missing all this time Trowa, I don't think I could have been so patient.' He blushed and I laughed out right, before he joined me. The sound of our laughter echoed in the room, and it was like we were surrounded by joy. I ran my fingers across his face lovingly before returning my lips to his.  
  
'As I ran my hands over his body, he responded to me so easily, so naturally. I remember being so hesitant my first time, and now I was taking the lead. It felt good to me, like I was able to care for Trowa through this act of leading him to pleasure. The longer we laid together, the more obvious our needs became. Again, I can't justly explain the sense of desire that came over me as I felt him pressed solidly against my thigh. I wanted to move forward, but I needed to confirm that Trowa was still feeling all right with this.  
  
''Trowa, are you still ok?' He answered by kissing the side of my neck before whispering in my ear, 'With you, I'll always be perfect. Thank you, Quatre.' I kissed him again, I couldn't seem to stop. I wanted to be with him so badly, I wanted to prove myself to him so much. He's so perfect, everything I've ever desire in a partner, loving, funny, quiet but in a comforting way, silly when no one's looking, daring when he thinks he can get away with it, passionate whenever we're together. I could drown in him and never be afraid again. He is truly my soul mate.  
  
''Trowa, I love you very much, and this is only the beginning. Tell me to stop, tell me and I'll understand. Or if you really are ready, tell me to continue, let me love you like no one else has.'  
  
''The past is over, you're my future Quatre. I want to be with you. I love you so much, it hurts.'  
  
'Carefully, every so gently, with little regard to time, I readied Trowa. There was only a flash of fear when I first touched him, and then it quickly disappeared as I continued with my preparations and returned to his mouth. I kissed him with all the passion I'd stored up from the moment I'd met him over two years ago. I gave myself to him, abandoning all my own inhibitions; this was for Trowa, I wanted him to feel safe and loved, for that is what he is, I will never let anything harm him, ever.  
  
'When I was sure my entrance would cause him little pain I asked again if he wanted to continue. I told him we had all the time in the world, and if he was even slightly hesitant we could continue another time. But I should have guessed my love better. He only pulled me closer and whispered that he loved me. He knew there would be discomfort to begin with, so I didn't mention it. As I entered him, my control slipped and for the briefest of seconds I could feel what he felt. In a word, we both finally, after all these years of being alone and hated, felt complete and loved. It was perfect, beautiful, and everything I had hoped it would be with Trowa. Gently we worked together, and when we found that place where there is only love and life, happiness and trust, we blended together in perfect harmony. Trowa to me, me to Trowa. It was all worth it.  
  
'I pulled him into my arms then, and together we whispered softly to one another about our feelings and our hopes for the future. He confessed to being only slightly scared, but said he hadn't known that it could feel like that. I kissed him softly, and told him that it would never feel that way again. He looked at me, puzzled, before I answered. 'Every time we are together, Trowa, will only be better than the last. Our love for one another will make it that much greater, that much more special.' He liked that answer.  
  
'Later he fell asleep in my arms, and it took all of my willpower not to cry with joy. He had been the one to say he hadn't known it could feel like this, but neither did I. I didn't know being with someone could feel as right as this did. I clung to him, touching him everywhere so I could prove to myself that he was real. I didn't want to go to sleep, I was too afraid it was going to be a dream. Finally I fell asleep, my Trowa tucked securely and lovingly against my body. This night, we had both found the peace we'd been searching our entire lives for. I love you, Trowa.'  
  
Laying the journal down, Trowa closed his eyes and remembered that night over three years ago. He'd never felt so safe in all of his life, tucked against Quatre, knowing that this body that laid beside him had taken him in love and trust, and held him in his arms in the same way. Quatre had always enjoyed holding him, he use to laugh that anyone that saw them would think it funny, them not adhering to the 'He's the taller one, he must be in charge,' code of thought. He admitted to himself now, that he'd needed Quatre to take the lead back then. He'd been so hurt, so afraid, he hadn't been able to take that last step to reach his beloved. Quatre had always come to him in love and comfort, and now he hurt so badly. All he wanted to do was protect Quatre, banish those terrible insecurities from his mind. He would, he had to.  
  
The rest of 197 A.C. continued with their relationship. Quatre wrote down everything. From their first kiss in public, to their first time making love under the stars. Quatre recorded it all, placing it in beautiful script across page after loving page of white paper. There were words of his little notes to Trowa, and even a well-planned out seduction attempt that backfired, and left the two of them stranded on a lake in the Southern Hemisphere. Quatre neglected nothing, and Trowa could easily see his happy and loving partner in the pages of this journal.  
  
There was mention of Quatre's abilities, but usually only in passing or as a reference to feeling something from Trowa. It seemed that he'd been satisfied with their newfound physicality, and Quatre made no mention of pathing directly with Trowa again.  
  
He read the entry where they'd confessed to Heero, Duo and Wufei about their relationship, and the shock of realizing they'd known all along. From that point, Quatre seemed even happier, carefree. He wrote about his move into Trowa's quarters, and had even recorded the tea set incident. There were entries about Duo and his plots concerning himself and Heero, and even the disastrous dinner date that finally forced Wufei and Sally together.  
  
For the rest of the volume, Quatre was happy, excited, and extremely satisfied in both their relationship, and his life. There was only one mention of his sisters, and it was also the only entry that left Trowa with a sense of foreboding about what the next volume would uncover.  
  
'I received a call from Liteea today. She wants to know if I've made a decision yet. I told her I still had time. That actually made her quite angry, and she informed me that I didn't have as much time as I thought I did, especially if I wanted to gain a wife and not just a child. I know that I should tell my sisters about Trowa, and I will, I want them to know so badly. Of course, some won't like the idea very much, but I know that Cijen and Iria will be so excited that I've found happiness. The rest will only have to see Trowa and myself together, and they'll come around too.'  
  
The second to the last volume began the silent struggle Quatre had faced. The earlier entries told of his sisters' growing concerns, yet there was no malice in them at this point.  
  
'I managed to get back to L4 today. She looks beautiful. I'd forgotten how beautiful a colony could look. The Earth is something man did not create, yet it is the colonies that hold the most beauty for me. Perhaps I'm biased. I'll be meeting Iria tomorrow, she said she needed to discuss a few things with me. I wonder what's wrong.'  
  
'Cijen called me, she wanted me to meet a friend of hers, a Mr. Ilizaveth Latharo. I think she may be trying to set me up on a date. She can be so cute at times. I'll meet with Mr. Latharo, but I don't think Cijen will be happy with the outcome. I've wanted to tell her the most about Trowa, I know she'll just love him. They actually have a lot in common. She'll be so happy for me.'  
  
'After speaking with Cijen last week, I finally assembled a team of attorneys. They're going to look into the Will and see if there's some type of loophole we can use. I have my doubts, this isn't something Father would have done half way. I don't think we're going to find anything, which means I have to make a decision. I have three years still, I'm hoping that will be enough time. Damn, it's times like these I wish Father was still alive.'  
  
'I've been so depressed lately, I think it's starting to rub off on Trowa. He asked if I was all right tonight. I hadn't thought I was being so obvious, I'll have to be more careful. There isn't anything Trowa can do, and besides, he doesn't need to be burdened with this.'  
  
'The first reports from the new set of lawyers is back, they didn't find anything. My sisters are starting to chomp at the bit. I think even Cijen is getting worried. She hasn't said anything to me yet, but I'm fairly certain she will. I hate that Father is forcing me to choose like this. He knew I'd never simply bed a woman for a child. He also knew that I would adamantly refuse to create a child. Which basically forces me to marry a woman for a child. Just thinking about it made me so upset, I crawled into Trowa's lap and snuggled with him for a little while. I told him I was just sad about the past, but I don't think he completely believed me. I'll have to be more careful. But still, it was nice to be held by him, he's so good at protecting me.'  
  
'I've just found out that there's some discontent in the Winner ranks. It seems that some of my sisters have banded together and are working out a plan to oppose me if I don't act quickly. I'm having a hard time believing that they'd actually do anything against me, they're probably just frightened. But I'm a little worried, I found myself linking with Trowa earlier. I absorbed some of his calmness, before I realized what I was doing. I of course immediately stopped. He didn't seem to notice, but still, it isn't good for me to drain him so, it could cause him headaches, I don't want to hurt him.'  
  
'I was playing with Marieminna today. She's the most adorable little girl! I think however that I might be biased, since she treats me like an older brother, something I've always wanted to be. I think she caters to me. She's smart, she knows I'll go to the city to get her whatever she wants. But actually I was going to mention what Trowa said.  
  
'He caught me in the garden, and after I sent Marieminna inside, he commented on how good I was with her. I told him about liking the sense of being her old brother, and he nodded his head before saying that I'd make a good father someday. I don't want to read too much into it, but I can't help but think that he might actually be suggesting that we could have a child someday. I don't want to pressure him, besides we're only 18 and 19. There's plenty of time.'  
  
'Well, its official. There are no loopholes in the Will. There's only two options, I either have a child, or we lose everything. It's an impossible decision. I hate Father for doing this to me! I'd like nothing more than to know that he's in hell this very minute watching me now as I stare at Trowa.  
  
"My Trowa, he's been so loving and attentive. I don't think I could make it through this without him, even if he doesn't know he's helping. I've been extra careful not to accidentally link with him, I'm afraid that my stress will harm him, or worse I'll take too much from him and hurt him. Neither one are acceptable outcomes. Just like my choices about the Will. Damned if I do, damned if I don't, isn't that what Duo always says? Yeah, but then Heero usually glares at him before kissing him senseless. I just have to try to keep a smile on my face; I don't want to worry Trowa.'  
  
'I'm not sure what happened tonight. Trowa and I made love, and then as he was sleeping in my arms, I looked down at him, and I knew my answer. It just popped into my head, and decided to stay. I trust my instincts on this one. I've decided there is no way, I will take another lover. Trowa is my life, and my love, always. I won't betray him, even for one night, even for my sisters. Now I'm left with two options, a genetic, or lose everything. How weak I must be that I even have to think about it.'  
  
The next entry that caught his attention was dated in December, and Trowa knew from the first line that this was the start of all Quatre's real pain.  
  
'Trowa has never seen an ice sculpture! I can hardly believe it. I guess though I shouldn't say anything, my whole life has been pampered compared to his. When would he have had occasion to see an ice sculpture? I'm grateful for the Winter conference now. I'd been hoping to find a way out, but I'm beginning to think it may be time to simply confess. I can't think of a better winter dream than to introduce Trowa to my family and everyone else, and also get to see his expression when he sees his first sculpture. He'll look so cute all wide eyed, my sisters will instantly fall in love with him. I may have to fight them off with a stick! Maybe I'll get Trowa to scuff his shoe or something, then they'll think he's cute but far too reckless for them. I have to laugh, I don't think Trowa would be too interest in my sisters, since all of them are at least five years older than we are. But still, it'd be so fun to see Iria drooling over my boyfriend. Now I can't wait!'  
  
'It seems I failed to anticipate the general reactions of my sisters to my and Trowa's relationship. Not to mention those of the other socialites at the Winter party. All of my sisters were there, and as I stepped out of the limo, they all rushed me, hugging me and doing the normal sister act. I had to gently chide them to move so I could help my date out. Instantly they were all excited, and couldn't wait to meet 'her.' I should have been prepared then, but I was too happy to finally be out in public with Trowa, that I completely missed the signs. I reached my hand back into the limo, and pulled Trowa out. I linked our hands together and introduced him to all my sisters. Trowa was a perfect gentleman, even though he was extremely nervous about coming with me tonight. But it was my sisters that completely took me by surprise.  
  
'When Trowa stepped out of the car, I thought they were just surprised, and maybe even a little stunned, and that's what I thought when I was introducing them to him. They were polite, but that was it, there was no warmth in them at all. I was especially stunned by Cijen's lack of friendliness, I was sure she'd be so happy for me.  
  
'But I didn't want to let them get us down, and I especially didn't want Trowa to realized their discomfort. I made a small joke, and them propelled Trowa down the entranceway with me. I forgot that at this party there is a formal announcement of all arriving guests. The announcer proclaimed very loudly, 'Mr. Quatre Rababera Winner, and his,' pause, 'Escort, Mr. Trowa Barton.'  
  
'I don't think the place could have been that quiet if no one was in the building at all. I tried to brush it off, and linked with Trowa to make sure he didn't realize their looks, or notice their whispers. I've only tired such a direct and influencing link once before with him, but this one was completely exhausting. It was a good thing I was holding his arm because I lost my footing on the last step, and he only barely caught me. Which only set another round of chatter about my 'Escort' that I had to block from Trowa.  
  
'The only good thing about the evening was Trowa's face when I finally showed him the ice sculptures. I'd asked him to put his hair back, more out of his face, before we'd come, so I had a clear view of his expression. His gorgeous green eyes got huge, and a very distinct smile formed on his beautiful mouth. He squeezed my hand then and leaned in to whisper into my ear. 'Is that really ice, Quatre?' I had to laugh, he was so cute! I whispered back, 'Of course it is. Do you want me to prove it to you?' He looked at me quizzically, before he nodded his head. It wasn't that he didn't trust me, he just wanted to see what I'd do.  
  
'I took his hand and led him over to the hammer that rested by the tail of the ice mermaid. I watched his entire range of facial expressions as I lifted the hammer and brought it down hard enough to chip a piece of ice from the tail fin. He got the most stunned express, and then he almost looked like he was going to get into trouble, a little frightened. I laughed, I couldn't help it. He was so cute, and I laughed so hard, I had tears rolling down my face. People were staring at us, but what did it matter, they're going to talk no matter what.  
  
' I took the piece of ice I'd chipped and explained to him that the hammer was there so people could do just what I'd done. I explained that it was a new tradition designed in the colonies. He relaxed, and then I raised the piece of melting ice to his lips. 'I did promise to prove it to you, didn't I?' He looked almost embarrassed for a second, before he opened his mouth and took the sliver I offered him. Another smile replaced his earlier look and I couldn't help but lean up and give him a quick kiss. He again turned the cutest shade of pink before ducking his head and squeezing my hand again.  
  
'When we got back to our rooms I wanted nothing more than to throw Trowa on the bed and show him how mad with desire his innocence had made me tonight. But I was so exhausted by the link that I could barely stand. Trowa was so sweet, he tucked me into bed and even grabbed my journal for me. Maybe I'll find that energy after all.'  
  
Quatre had found the energy, and they had made love that night. He'd thought at the time he and Quatre's coupling meant that the feelings he'd had about being stared at and talked about all night were wrong, and he had just been paranoid. He'd had no idea Quatre had blocked him from noticing. Always to protect him, never to protect himself. Quatre sacrificed too much for him, and now his sweet Quatre was going to have to face even more hardships.  
  
The final journal began with sadness.  
  
'I guess it could be said that I let the 'cat out of the bag.' The party was over a month ago, and already I've been turned down four times to speak with some of the more wealthy business people. It seems that they 'just can fit me into their schedules,' even though I know for a fact that they all have wanted to speak with me for months now.  
  
'I'm not upset though. How could I be? Trowa's with me, and that's all that matters. He thankfully doesn't know what's being said about him. I'm so grateful he doesn't read any of the society journals. The latest one has him being my 'slave of passion,' I can't believe they write that crap! Trowa is more to me than the entire world! I'm still alive because of him; not that he saved my life, but I know that if he wasn't around, I'd have killed myself long ago. I live for him, only for him, nothing else maters.'  
  
'Two months and my sisters are finally calling me. Liteea-why she hates me so, I'll never know-has informed me that she has been rejected from over three dozen society functions because of my questionable standards. She's furious, and I can't say I blame her. But that isn't the only reason she called.  
  
'It seems that my sisters are starting to worry about the child I'm 'supposedly' having, though how they got that idea, I have no clue. I still haven't decided what to do. Liteea nicely informed me that I have only five month left for a biological birth, she can be so tactless at times. I guess I'll have to make a decision soon.'  
  
The next entry dumbfounded Trowa. Quatre spoke of Cijen, and he couldn't quite believe what he read.  
  
'I think I may cry. I don't know how else to phrase it. Cijen, the one of all my sisters I thought would be with me until the end, the one I'd put money on that would stay by my side and help me no matter what, has betrayed me.  
  
'I received a vid-call, and after learning it was Cijen, immediately accepted it. She has always been a rock for me, even when there was no one else, perhaps that's why I feel so lost, I don't think I've trusted anyone in my life more than her.  
  
'Her demeanor was very closed as her image came on the vid. I asked her how she was and she immediately wanted to cut the small talk. She wanted answers as to what I thought I was doing at the Winter party. Why she waited nearly four months, I have no idea!  
  
'I explained that I'd wanted everyone to meet Trowa, and that I'd wanted to show him a very nice party, that I hadn't been able to do that for him because of the nature of our relationship. She got so cold then, I've never seen her look so icy or defiant, not since father.  
  
'She told me flat out that my behavior was inappropriate, and what else did I expect the world to do besides balk at my display. I tried defending myself, saying that what I did, and who I chose to do it with was no one's concern except my own. She immediately cut me off and informed me that it wasn't just me I was taking down, but also the entire family. I was so stunned by her emission, she'd never been openly hostile to me before, and she, unlike my other sisters, knew my preference, we'd talked openly about it! I said as much to her, and she became extremely angry. She accused me of sabotaging the family, taking it down with me into shame.  
  
'I demanded to know were her aggression towards me was coming from, I explained who Trowa was, and how I'd met him. I apologized for not introducing them privately, as I'd planned, but that circumstances had presented themselves and I'd taken the opportunity to show Trowa a nice evening out. She fairly shook with rage at that. She cursed me for causing my family to lose face, and swore to me that she'd find a way to make me pay for what I'd done. I still have no real idea what she meant. I understood that she and my sisters were not happy with my 'dropping' Trowa on their 'doorstep,' but I didn't feel as if I had to explain my happiness to them either. I want them to be happy for me, and instead they seem so negative and almost hateful.  
  
'I told her I was sorry for the scandal, but that it was worth it to me, because Trowa had gotten to see something he'd never witnessed before. She seemed even less happy with this statement. Finally I couldn't take anymore of her accusations, and I asked her specifically what had happened.  
  
'I'm sad to say that it seems three of my sisters fiancées have now left them, sighting the incident with myself and Trowa as the cause. Cijen is one of them. Derrik, Cijen's fiancée for nearly a year, left her last month saying pressure from his well off family was the cause. It seems my sister holds me personally responsible for the dissolve of her would be marriage. I'm so sorry this happened, if I'd thought it might occur, I would have been much more discrete with my bringing Trowa, but I made sure she understood that I would still have brought him, he really did want to go. She couldn't believe me, and after a few horrible words, she broke the connection.  
  
'I find myself now so very alone. Cijen is by far my most favored sister. She's taken care of me when the others so vehemently turned their backs. I owe her so much that I can't even place the value into words, she's saved my sanity and my soul more than once.  
  
'I've decided to contact Derrik, and see if there's an arrangement that can be reached. I'm not opposed to resorting to monetary incentives to have him return to Cijen. I've liked Dirrik for many years now, and think that he and Cijen would be very happy together-not the conventional convenient marriage. Perhaps I can persuade his parents to reconsider, thought why a man of 36 is following his parents, I have no idea.  
  
'Beyond that I hope to patch things up with my sisters in the near future. I can't explain how much Cijen's words have hurt me. All I want to do is rest somewhere safe. I know I shouldn't but perhaps while Trowa's sleeping, I'll link with him for a moment, not too much, just enough to remember that he loves me. I'm just a little weighted down today.'  
  
Four months, that was nearly seven months ago that this happened, one full month before he knew any of it. Quatre had seemed tired more often in that last month before that fateful day in the conference room. Trowa had considered how Quatre had been under so much pressure when he'd first learned about the stipulation in the Will. He'd thought about the way Quatre had suddenly needed him more and more, depending on him as that braking point got closer. To read it like this, Trowa could see that Quatre would have had an idea of what was coming, and that must have eaten away at him; to know your own family was in concert to betray you, he couldn't even imagine.  
  
Skimming the other entries quickly, Trowa bore witness to the new fear Quatre had about his sisters sudden revolt against him, and his constant and all consuming desire to protect Trowa from finding out. Trowa hung his head in shame, that he hadn't picked up on the subtle details of Quatre's initial pain. He should have been there for him, should have realized. But "should have's" wouldn't do any good now; Trowa continued reading.  
  
'He's known for a week now, and yet I can't believe it, he hardly seems effected by it at all! I'm more upset about it than he is. Trowa has been so strong, he's been there for me since the beginning of this mess- even though he didn't know it-and he's kept right on being there for me. I love him so much. Today he looked right at me, over dinner while Wufei was sitting right there, and said, 'I love you, Quatre.' I was so happy, it was just what I needed to hear. Of course Wufei rolled his eyes, but I was so thankful that I nearly crawled into Trowa's lap! He's too good for me!'  
  
'It's getting hard to hide my pain from Trowa. My love is very sharp, and even my blocking isn't having an effect on him anymore. He sees me in pain, and comes to my rescue. Today I was sitting on the couch, and he came over and pulled me into his lap. I was surprised, and asked if he was all right. He only said I looked like I needed him to be near me. I did, and that's what has me worried. I need to be more careful to look happy while with Trowa. It doesn't make sense to drag him into this mess.'  
  
'I hurt so much. I can't explain, but it's like I'm dying inside. Even my Trowa can't seem to pull me back. He's getting more and more frustrated, I can tell. I don't want him hurt, and if I'm the one hurting him, then I have to do something about it. I can't allow any harm to come to him, he's all I have left. My Trowa, he's the only thing keeping me sane.'  
  
The journal continued, until he reached one that resided during the month where Trowa had told the guards to keep Quatre's sister away.  
  
'I can't explain this great feeling! I'm so excited! I've been playing with Marieminna all day. She, Trowa, and I all went on a picnic, and you should have seen her! She's a living ball of energy. I chased her all over the garden, and could hardly catch her. My Trowa accused me of being out of shape. He was so cute when I suggested a private work out later. He's always so cute when he blushes. It was made even better when Marieminna-in her innocent way-asked if she could work out too since she was a little out of shape as well. Trowa blanched, and I couldn't help the generous laugh that bubbled from my soul. It felt so good to be with them, and to see Trowa with her, I just have this feeling that someday when we have children, Trowa will be the best father around. It was a perfect day, and I'm happy to say it ended with a very satisfying workout.'  
  
'I finally have all the plans set into motion. I've had some of my personal servants come into the complex and help me with the set up. It's perfect, and Trowa will have to relax and have a good time. I've been planning this seduction for too long. Bed of pillow's, the best wine credits can buy, cheese from the L1 colony, grapes from the vineyards the wine came from. Everything is perfect. Not as perfect as my Trowa, but it will have to be a close second. I'm going to make these past few months up to him. I'm going to prove my love to him. He's had to deal with so much I never wanted to touch him. I'll make it up to him, I swear it.'  
  
'Ha! They said it couldn't be done, but I managed to do it! I, the one and only Quatre Winner, managed to get one, Heero Yuy, into a clothing store! And what's more, I managed to get him back out in something other than his trademark shorts and tank top!  
  
'Oh, he's not that bad, but really, I don't think he's bought new clothes since his final growth spurt at 18. It's a wonder his clothes have held out so long, considering the way he and Duo go at it. Oh, I don't want to know!  
  
'But the good news is that Duo was so grateful, he traded a patrol mission with me, so I'll get to have the whole complex to myself for a few days. I even know what I'm going to do with it! I'm going to go out and buy my friends something really nice, to make up for this whole mess they've had to put up with. I can't wait, I know exactly what I'm going to buy Trowa, he'll love it. My Trowa has such a weak spot for animals, so I've decided, since I can't bring a lion into the complex-trust me, Lady Une promised to kill me herself if I asked her again-then I'll get him the next best thing, a cat! Oh he'll love it! Now I can't wait to surprise him, he'll have the cutest expression on his face when he sees it!'  
  
Trowa closed his eyes, knowing the next section would bring about the total change in Quatre. From this entry's date it was three months to today. That meant from this point on, everything that was recorded would be what had effected Quatre so completely, turned him from the caring and loving boy he knew to the cold, angry, and trapped man he was learning to hate. Trowa continued with caution.  
  
'I know I snapped, I could feel it happening even as I stormed into the room. I didn't even realized Heero, Duo and Wufei were there, all I could see was Trowa, and more accurately all I could see was red. I don't understand what came over me, so many times I've sworn never to hurt him, and yet I walked into that room with the intent to do him bodily harm. He wasn't even on the ground before Duo and Wufei had both of my arms and were hauling me off him so Heero could check him over.  
  
'It was like once I started, I couldn't stop. I screamed at Trowa, cursed his name, and everything about him, even our love. I swore I hated him, that he didn't understand, that he could never understand. Through it all he just looked at me, sad eyes that I couldn't comprehend at the time. All I saw was the rage, all I felt was the pain, all I wanted to feel was his life at my mercy.some ounce of control in my life.  
  
'Cijen had cornered me, and there wasn't a thing I could do about it, yet I knew that Trowa was there that he'd been the one to cause the scene. He'd restricted access of my sisters from me, while the whole time I'd thought they'd finally come to terms, finally forgiven me. I felt so betrayed by him, even now while I'm appalled by what I did, I'm even more angered by his actions. I understand that he was trying to protect me, I don't think he realizes that I do, but how could I not, I can read him like an open book. But this, this action against me, I won't soon be able to forget.  
  
'I again feel like I've lost everything, and I have no one to blame but myself. I'm the one that couldn't hide my emotional state from Trowa, and like a good partner, he did whatever had to be done to make me happy again. I should never have told him how I felt, never confided in him. He's in a position to control me too much, I can't allow that to happen again. It pains me to say it, but from this point on, I'll have to stay more in control around Trowa. He can't be allowed to be hurt again, by me or anyone else.  
  
'I want to crawl to him and beg forgiveness, and yet I also want to punch him again. I've never ever, felt such a drive to inflict pain. I fear that I may be turning into my father, reacting to outrage by using force and pain as a means to control. I swore I'd never become like my father, and I have; I swore I'd protect my family, and I haven't; and I promised I'd never hurt my Trowa, and that's all I've done. I give my word of honor, if I ever strike him again, I'll leave him, just to protect him from me. He's been through too much already to be destroyed by me.'  
  
Trowa felt the tears fall from his lashes and onto the page. He didn't wipe them away, he somehow realized they belonged there. Quatre had considered leaving him to once again protect him. Everything was about him, what he needed, or wanted. Nothing about Quatre, only a brief mention of his anger and pain, then again it was about Trowa.  
  
He was stunned by Quatre's words, by his admission of needing control over him. Trowa had never believed that he asserted control over Quatre, he just didn't do it. But now it seemed that Quatre had felt trapped by him, locked away, just like the room his father had put him in. But then, again, he'd defended his actions! Quatre had written that he understood what Trowa had tried to do, acknowledged that he'd been trying to protect him the best way he knew how. All that and yet the words that worried Trowa the most were the ones that Quatre wrote about feeling betrayed by him.  
  
Quatre had only used that word when describing his family, and those he'd trusted completely before this, and only to those who had later turned their backs on him. Could Quatre believe that he'd abandon him? Is that why Quatre had never shared such personal and private information with him? Did he think Trowa would eventually-like the rest of his family and friends-abandon and betray him? His angel, his poor, sweet, beautiful angel.  
  
'I've completely given up the pretense of concealing my dependency on Trowa. I don't have the strength anymore. I've given my sisters free reign on my schedule, and it seems they've taken me up on my offer-making up for lost time. This morning, Trowa had to literally pull me from our bed, and undress me, before stepping into the shower with me to bathe. I just couldn't seem to find the energy. And Trowa, he's so distraught over his role in my pain that I cannot even take solace in him. I can feel my own emotions burning into my soul. I'm not sure how I'm going to escape the pain now.'  
  
'Trowa took my mission trips this week. He wants me to just get some rest. Thankfully he's gone now, and so are the others. I've informed my sisters that my schedule has been opened for the week. That was this morning at nine, by ten it was completely filled, and some of them were angered by my lack of space for them. Trowa would be so angry to know that I've allowed them to see me this week, he asked that I postpone their visits until his return. He wants to be with me. But I won't let that happen. He knows what they're thinking when he's with me, and I can feel it effect him emotionally. It weighs down on me greatly; I hate to say it, but for now, it's easier if I take care of this on my own. I don't think I could handle both of our pain at the same time.'  
  
'My sisters are coming tomorrow, and Trowa refuses to let me see them alone. I'm so emotionally drained, and now because Trowa is doubting my love for him, he's become another burden on my abilities. I can't shake his pain from me, and I swear it's ripping me to shreds. He's doubted many things before, but never my love for him. I don't think I can handle all of this.and yet, I have no choice. I won't let anything hurt Trowa, not even me. I'll have to appease us both by depending on him more and more. Tonight alone, he led me by hand almost all day. Even reminding me to eat when all I could do was stare at my food. It's draining on him too, and I have to remember to link with him tonight and give him some of my peace and love. He's so tired, as am I, but we have to make it, or at least he does.'  
  
That had been only five days before. The day Trowa had escorted Cijen and Quatre's nine other sisters off the complex at gun point. Quatre had given to him even then! How could he endanger himself so recklessly?! But Trowa already knew the answer, to protect him.  
  
Tears ran freely down his face, and soft sobs shook his body as he realized all of Quatre's life had been spent in pain, anger, and more pain. There had never been an easy moment for his beloved, not even when they'd first gotten together, for even then Quatre had known about the Will.  
  
Before that with his father as a constant force to fight against, and then with the guilt over the ZERO. Quatre.he allowed the tears to consume him and lap at the grief and guilt he felt. Quatre was his responsibility, he'd pledged his life to loving him, and taking care of him. He'd promised to protect him, and shelter him against all the evils the world had, and had yet to dream up. And he'd failed. He'd failed Quatre, and now, his beloved was suffering immensely for it. Great sobs shook his body then, as he dropped his face into his hands. Despair stole over him, as he remembered all the pain and suffering his beloved Quatre had gone through.  
  
Trowa never heard the door open, never heard the soft steps, and never felt the warm presence that settled itself before him; but he did hear his name, spoken on pain riddled lips, and concerned emotion filled fear. "Trowa? Trowa, what's wrong?" 


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 4  
  
  
  
Quatre couldn't explain the pain that caused the ocean to let loose in his ears, and his vision to swim with black and silver spots. He tried to sit up, only to fall back down, dizzy. He opened his mouth, his tongue tasting like sand. Bringing his hands up, he rubbed his eyes, and felt the grit that accompanies sleep. Moaning softly, he turned in the bed, and looked for Trowa.  
  
Surprised, he realized Trowa wasn't in bed, even though the digital clock read nearly four in the morning. Sudden fear came over Quatre as he realized that the only reason he should be in so much pain and confusion would be Trowa. Reaching out through the link, he felt Trowa a safe and close distance away, before he pulled back as another wave of nausea swept over him.  
  
Moaning quietly, Quatre sat up, and slowly lifted the blanket from his sweat soaked body; the pain releasing itself in perspiration that plastered the soft material against his flushed skin. He stood, knowing if he was in this much pain, Trowas' must be excruciating. His first step faltered, and he stumbled, but regained his footing long enough to reach the door.  
  
The light he saw through the crack of the entryway, exploded into a burst of violent light as Quatre pressed forward, and stepped into the room. At first, his sleep-blinded eyes could make out nothing, but his ears could hear the very quiet sobs of a man that rarely ever shed a tear. Quatre's heart broke as he heard his beloved take in a deep breath, only to have it expelled in a rush of pain, fear, and guilt.  
  
Slowly Quatre steeled himself. Trowa's pain was completely overwhelming him, and the world seemed to spin on its axis as he stood perfectly still and tried to erect an emotional block against Trowa. He knew he couldn't help him if he couldn't reach him, and he also knew he could dissolve the barrier later on when he had Trowa tucked safely in his arms.  
  
Finally when his vision adjusted to the dim light from the one lamp in the room that was ablaze, Quatre moved closer to his partner. He didn't need his abilities to sense how much Trowa was hurting.  
  
His beloved was hunched over, his beautiful face resting cupped in his hands. Quatre could see the tears leaking from between the tall boy's fingers. So strong those hands, how many times had they comforted him, touched him in love and peace, and also struck dead so many. His Trowa was so strong, he could do anything; but every now and again, his strength faltered. Quatre wasn't surprised to find him in such a state; his own constant dependency on Trowa weighed heavily on the boy who was so dependent on himself. Trowa was so strong, and yet so delicate.  
  
Quatre grew concerned when his approach was not detected. Trowa had an uncanny ability to sense the world around him. Quatre knew first hand the joys and disappointments of his abilities; how many times had Trowa avoided injury or death to come back to him, and yet how many surprised had he ruined by knowing exactly where Quatre was hiding?  
  
Kneeling down in front of Trowa, he reinforced his shields the best he could against this boy who was his lover and greatest empathic challenge. Trowa's emotions bit into him deeply, carved into his soul, burned with the passion of their love for one another. Quatre could barely block Trowa's emotions anymore, and now that he felt so overwhelmed by Trowa's pain, he could hardly gain enough footing to try.  
  
Reaching his hand out, Quatre touched Trowa's knee and felt the full impact of Trowa's state of mind, just as the man that held his heart, jerked up in surprise and stared directly into his eyes. Quatre stifled a painful scream at the rawness of Trowa's emotions, and begged instead to understand.  
  
"Trowa? Trowa, what's wrong?"  
  
Again another wave of pure guilt, agony, and pain washed over him, and he had to squeeze Trowa's knee to keep from giving voice to the emotions radiating off of Trowa. He offered a weak smile and asked again what was wrong.  
  
Trowa's eyes shot like lighting away from Quatre's, and for a moment, he could feel absolutely nothing from Trowa; which frightened him more than the pain.  
  
"Trowa, look at me. Tell me what's wrong."  
  
His partner, shook his head, and moved to wipe the tears from his eyes. Quatre intercepted his, and using gently strokes, brushed the fallen emotions from Trowa's glistening cheeks. He ran his hands through Trowa's hair, and felt him lean into his touch. Trowa would always need him, he had to stay strong.  
  
"You're going to absolutely despise me Quatre, but I had to do it. I had too."  
  
"Trowa, I'd never despise you, not ever. Whatever it is, we'll figure it out; we'll find a way to make it better. Don't worry Trowa, I promise I'll make it better, you don't have to worry."  
  
"No Quatre, you don't understand." His eyes fell way again, and he closed the book he'd been reading before handing it face down to him.  
  
Quatre turned it over, the feel of it familiar. The neatly scrawled letters of his name were etched across the bottom, and he knew then why Trowa was so upset.  
  
Not missing a beat, he turned to Trowa and looked at him. His lover could hardly meet his eyes. So with beautifully sculptured hands, Quatre wrapped his free hand around Trowa's cheek, and caressed it.  
  
"Oh Trowa, is this what you're so upset about?"  
  
He stalled for a moment, "Quatre, I thought it was best that I read them. I need to understand-"  
  
"Well of course you needed to read them! It's about time."  
  
Startled, Trowa looked to Quatre for an explanation, a stunned expression marring his beautiful face.  
  
"Oh Trowa, you can be so innocent sometimes. Really, if I hadn't wanted you to read them, why would I have placed them on our bookshelf? Why would I have left them without lock and right in your line of sight? I thought you'd read them long ago until recently."  
  
"But Quatre, they're your journals!"  
  
"Trowa," dropping the leather bound book on the floor, Quatre took Trowa's face into both of his hands, "All that I have is yours; I don't own a single thing that you can't touch, borrow, or take. Besides, I've wanted you to read them for so long." He felt his face flush, before he continued. "There's so many things in there that I've wanted you to know. Some are good, and some are bad. I guess I was just waiting for you to ask me about them. If you'd asked me a question, I would never have told you a lie, you know that don't you? Being honest with you means so much to me."  
  
"Then why Quatre, why didn't you tell me all this before? Why wait for me to open your personal journals to discover all your-your pain! Quatre, how can you stand it?!"  
  
"There were so many times I wanted to tell you something's." He paused, weighing his words carefully, "I guess I just wanted to make sure you were ready to hear the answers. Try to understand Trowa, before this entire mess with my sisters, the Will, and everything else, it's always been me who's had to take care of you. I don't mean to say you couldn't take care of yourself, but you've just always allowed me to do it for you. Don't misunderstand Trowa, I've loved being the one you came to, I love knowing that you trust me so much that you'd risk your own past to tell me everything. But I had to know-had to understand that you could-I don't know how to put it? I guess you could say, I needed to make sure that you could handle my.pain as well. I didn't want you to be burdened with my suffering along with your ow-"  
  
"Then you've done it again." Trowa's voice was defeated, as if he'd realized that he'd lost a battle he didn't know he'd been fighting until someone had died by his hands.  
  
"What do you mean?" Quatre could feel the anger unfold from Trowa. Almost rage, as he met his eyes. Involuntarily, he leaned away from him. "Trowa?"  
  
"Why Quatre?! Why would you do this? You've kept your entire past from me, hidden from sight behind a mask that I was supposed to be the only one that wore! I could have been there for you! I could have helped you! I would have been strong for you, Quatre! I would have pushed my own pain asi-"  
  
"NO Trowa! That's just it, I didn't want you to have to wait for your own pain. The most important thing in the world is that you're safe and-"  
  
"HAPPY! Do I look happy to you, Quatre?!" His words stung like a slap, and Quatre visibly flinched at the remark.  
  
"I was only trying to protect you." His voice was weak, so very weak.  
  
But Trowa heard it, sensed the pain and fear from him. He shook his head, and then took a deep breath. "Quatre, I am happy, you've made me happier than I ever imagined happiness could be, but look what it cost you! Your journals speak of a pain so intense it's almost tangible. We could have figured something out, we would have. I would move the Earth to protect you Quatre, you know that; but I need you--I need you healthy and happy with me. Otherwise what good is my own happiness if you're not part of it?"  
  
Quatre's head hung low, staring at the cream carpeting that Trowa had once looked so longingly at in the store front window. He'd bought it without a second thought and had it installed while Trowa had been on patrol. Quatre could remember Trowa's face clearly when he'd entered the room to find all the furniture pushed to the sides of the room, and himself laying right in the middle. That had been when they'd first gotten together, and Quatre could still remember pushing Trowa's long bangs away from his face to reveal the most amazing smile, that smile reserved only for him.  
  
"I only wanted to keep you happy Trowa, I only wanted you to stay safe. There's been so much pain in your past, I didn't want you to have to deal with mine until you were ready. That's why I recorded it all; that's why I left it where you could open it anytime. I knew one day you'd be strong enough to-to.help me, but I had to wait for you to come to me. I had to make sure you'd already conquered your own demons, before I'd let you try to conquer mine."  
  
"But that wasn't your decision Quatre. We should have talked about it-"  
  
"No, Trowa, pain is different from everything else. It's one of those things that can effect a person in more ways than one will ever admit. You had to decided when I'd be allowed into your pain, and I waited, because you needed to be able to come to me, to ask me for help. That's what I've done, I've kept my-my pain close, waiting until you and I could together handle it. Before, you weren't ready, you would have pictured your own pain against mine, not to compare or contrast, but you wouldn't have been able to help it. I needed to make sure that you wouldn't confuse it, I wouldn't risk my pain bringing about old memories for you. I knew this would happen, I've been prepared for it, but you, you didn't know, I wouldn't let you know. It was my decision to keep my feelings from you, and I did. I will not allow my pain to hurt you further."  
  
His mind told him it was logical, that he'd done everything in his power, everything he could to keep Trowa from getting hurt. But still he could feel the anger that Trowa was trying so desperately to control. Trowa didn't understand, how could he? He hadn't been there, hadn't been the one to suffer the things he'd suffered, but Quatre knew, he understood the nature of both of their secrets. He knew that if Trowa were to have been introduced to his own past, both of them would have sunk under the weight of it all.  
  
So he'd waited, allowing Trowa's happiness to keep his suffering at bay while together they worked through his. The ability to suspend his own pain was not a luxury afforded to Trowa; it couldn't have been done the other way around. He'd had to suffer so that together, once Trowa's pain was vanquished, they could proceed to his. He'd always hoped that they would reach this point faster, sinking under the strain of fighting alone, but it was different now, Trowa was there, they were together.  
  
But he saw Trowa now and wondered if he should have said something sooner. His partner had been available to him for months now, giving the comfort rather than taking it. But he hadn't wanted to pressure him, had wanted Trowa to take the final initiative, to be willing to lose everything to save him. Also, he had no way of explaining why he hadn't told him sooner.  
  
Perhaps it was selfish, but he'd done it anyway, he'd needed this bit of reassurance. Trowa had braved the unknown for him, potentially sacrificed everything to help him, then maybe, just maybe, Trowa could survive the pain he'd been though, maybe, just maybe, Trowa would stay with him to the end. He needed someone he could trust, and now, at the end of this long road they'd both traveled for so long, perhaps Quatre had found what he'd been searching for his whole life. Trust.  
  
Firm arms suddenly wrapped around his slim body and hauled him onto the couch. In a moment, Trowa had him resting snuggly against his body, pressed into every curve they both supported.  
  
"Quatre, may I talk, and you just listen?"  
  
He was startled by the request, it was a night of startling revelations, "Of course."  
  
"I want to tell you a few things, and then we're going to bed, and in the morning, we are going to come back out to this couch, and we are going to talk. Don't speak, just nod your head if you understand."  
  
Trowa had never once acted like this, and it was beginning to worry Quatre. The emotional turmoil that had been rolling off of his lover for the last few minutes, was now gone, replaced with a calm resignation that Quatre didn't want to understand. Deciding to do as Trowa asked, he nodded his head and waited for him to continue.  
  
"I love you. I never thought I'd ever know what love was until I met you. Quatre, you've been my world since the first day I met you. There were so many times, when you'd hold me at night and whisper promises of forever, that I felt so guilty that I couldn't promise those things back, that I couldn't put my feelings into words. I had no idea that you could feel all of my emotions; that you knew-even before I did-how I felt, how you made me feel.  
  
"Now, after everything we've been through together, I find out that I barely know you," Quatre tired to protest, "No, Quatre, just listen now, later we'll talk, just listen to what I have to say." At his nod, Trowa continued. "You've hidden so much of who you are from me; and yes it might have been to protect me, but to me it doesn't matter. Quatre, I would have done whatever it took to help ease your suffering, you know that, and maybe it's my fault that you didn't tell me anything about your past; but we could have worked it out. You've told me so many times that couples work things out together.  
  
"I never wanted you to know my pain either. I knew that you'd suffered greatly because of the ZERO, and I couldn't stand knowing that I would have to add to your pain. But you asked me to, begged me to come to you and explain so we could be together, and I did. I did it because I wanted to be with you, more than life, more than death. I laid my soul on the table for you because I knew that once we worked through the pain, once together we fixed it, we could be together. But now, now I find out that while I trusted you, you've never been able to trust me-"  
  
"NO! Trowa that isn't right-"  
  
"Quatre, quiet," his reprimand, gentle, "It is right. You've always been afraid that I wouldn't be able to handle your pain, you couldn't allow yourself to trust me, even though you desperately wanted to. I can't blame you Quatre. Everyone you've ever trusted has betrayed you, your father, your sisters; you've just been biding your time until I would too. That's the conclusion I came to, that's what I learned from reading your journals. You couldn't trust me without me proving myself to you; that's why you wrote it all down instead of telling me. You were forcing me to make a drastic leap that would prove my intentions towards you, prove that if I was willing to sacrifice our relationship, then I must be willing to lose everything to protect you, and could therefore gain your trust."  
  
Quatre shook his head, and struggled in Trowa's grasp. He was wrong, he couldn't be right. He loved Trowa, had trusted him with his life on more than one occasion, had participated in the physical act of love with him so many wonderful times. He would never have done that if he hadn't trusted him, hadn't loved him more than anything in the world.  
  
"Quatre, shhhhhhh. Don't struggle," Trowa's hands ran through his hair, and made tight circles along his back, it didn't help. He was trapped, trapped by Trowa, by his words, but mostly by himself. Just how right was Trowa? He'd only admitted to himself a few minutes before that he now completely trusted Trowa. Hadn't he trusted him before? Hadn't he believed in him completely before Trowa had read his journals?  
  
As if his lover could read his mind, Trowa answered for him. "Quatre I know you love me, I do. You've been there for me so many times, that even a fool could see how much you care for and adore me. But love doesn't breed trust, and that's what this is about. You've wanted to trust me, that's why you wanted me to read the journal, a test of how much you could trust me. But even if you don't know it yet Quatre, even if your mind and heart are still trying to figure it out, I want you to hear it from my lips; from my mouth, that has loved you and made promises that I will keep.  
  
"I love you, and trust you. I'll never leave you, not until you ask me too, and then-even then, I might not. I will love you, cherish you far beyond the day I die, and then in that place you call heaven, we'll still be together. You can trust me now Quatre, I've passed your test, the one you didn't want to admit to yourself; the one that's been keeping our relationship as you the caregiver, myself the care receiver. But the test is over Quatre, I've passed, and now you know you can rely on me, that I'll be there to love you, protect you, and that I'll never leave you. You can start to trust me now, Quatre. You can let me help you with the pain now."  
  
And then, it all clicked into place. He'd never realized what he'd been doing, didn't know he'd been the one to keep them from advancing to the next level. All the time he'd thought he was protecting Trowa, he'd really been protecting himself. Again he'd done what he said he'd never do again, he'd hurt Trowa, and he'd also hurt himself.  
  
He could feel the concern and true love radiating off Trowa, the shear magnitude of the revelation, shattered his blocks, and the full impact of everything Trowa had said came crashing against his weakened psyche.  
  
His hands flew to cover his heart, as a muffled scream issued from his throat. He felt Trowa clutch him tighter, sensed the shift in their positions as Trowa sat them up to frantically examining and call his name. "Quatre! Quatre, what's wrong!?"  
  
He wanted to call out, wanted to beg Trowa to stop feeling, to stop the pain that he was helpless to prevent. Quatre closed his eyes, weakening even further under the onslaught of Trowa's renewed fears. It was too much, too much for him to handle, he was so damaged, he hadn't realized it until his beloved had pointed out all the faults that he'd pressed upon their love, but he was truly broken.  
  
And as Trowa became more frantic, Quatre found he didn't have the strength to resist the temptation not to care anymore. His own pain, past, present, and future had been enough to nearly drive him to madness, but without Trowa's shelter from the storm, he'd been unable to recharge his body. Now he was only a sapling in the hurricane that threatened to uproot and leave him defenseless. Trowa would be so sad.  
  
Eyes closed, gasping for breath, Quatre fought for Trowa, he'd always fight for Trowa. "Trowa," his voice was weak, but it kept his lover where he was, kneeling in front of the couch that he laid upon.  
  
"Quatre, what's happening?"  
  
"You-ahhhh-you have to-to-ca-calm down. I-I can't-not with-it's to much."  
  
The pain worsened, and Quatre let out a true scream as his world turned into one torturous emotion after another. So much pain, Trowa had been in so much pain, because of him, because he hadn't opened up to him, because he'd tested him instead of believing in him, because he'd pushed him away in a misguided attempt to shelter them both. But more than that, his own pain, at being discovered, at finding out that he'd lied to himself all these years. So much of his life wasted; knowing that at first Trowa might not have been able to handle their combined pain, but for literally years he had been capable of it, and it was only his own fears that had prevented him from receiving the real comfort he'd so needed.  
  
Then, suddenly, the pain lessened, and a cool calmness spread over him. He felt Trowa's mind distanced from his, and the link that joined the two lovers, muffled to a dull roar. Quatre felt his own pain blanketed by a feeling of cool warmth, in a contrast that made him so comfortable, and made him feel so safe. Blackness crept around the edges of his vision as he opened his eyes to see Trowa leaning over him, his mouth moving, Quatre couldn't hear a word he said, but couldn't bring himself to care. The pain he'd felt for so long, that had been his constant companion since he was a child, had been lifted, not removed, but held suspended away from his touch. The relief was so great he couldn't prevent the blissful oblivion that descended around him. "Thank you.Trowa." 


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 5  
  
Trowa looked at the woman who now rested, slumped in Heero's arms. He'd been too terrified at Quatre's screaming and seeming seizure to notice the entrance of a med. team, this woman, and the other pilots. Ignoring everything for a moment, he turned back to Quatre.  
  
"Quatre? Can you hear me?"  
  
"He's-he's resting. The storm was too much for him." The small voice trailed off into desperate pants for oxygen, and soft sounds of pain. Trowa looked at the woman then. She was older, but not too old, most likely in her mid-thirties. She had deep brown hair, tied in a knot at the base of her neck, but wisps escaped and made the look seem less severe. She wore traveling clothes, with a briefcase still clutched in her hand. She seemed to be struggling to remain conscious.  
  
Sally rescued him from asking the next obvious question, "Trowa, this is Dr. Corinne Namon, the Empathic Psychiatrists I sent for."  
  
Trowa looked once more at the woman who now had a name. He studied her for a moment, analyzing her appearance against the words of respect Sally had uttered when referring to her.  
  
He was surprised by the slight chuckle that sounded almost painful, "Guess you were expecting someone older, huh?  
  
Too surprised to say yes, Trowa turned away from her and looked at Quatre again, taking the younger boy's hand in his own. "What happened to him?"  
  
He sensed her movement out of the corner of his eye, as she straightened, and tried again to get her breathing under control. "He suffered what's known as an Empathic Storm. It's rare, usually accompanied by severe stress and trauma. So actually, I should be asking you, what happened?"  
  
Trowa flinched, her gaze was solid, she knew more then she was letting on about what had happened here. "I was trying to explain to Quatre that I wouldn't leave him. He's been so afraid that I would. Then he just-just started screaming. I don't know what happened." He was growing frustrated, she was the doctor, why wasn't she doing something to help Quatre?  
  
"You said he was afraid you'd leave him, did you tell him you were going to?" Anger filled him, and he swung around to face her, "Of course not! I love Quatre, I'd never leave him, not ever!"  
  
She remained calm even while everyone else in the room flinched at his outburst; she didn't know any better, didn't know how close to the edge he really was. "You said Quatre seemed to think you were going to-"  
  
"No! That's not what I said. He was afraid I would, he-he's so confused right now." Trowa trailed off, not knowing where to begin or even where to go once he'd started.  
  
Dr. Namon stood, and approached the side of the couch where Quatre lay. She separated Trowa's hand from Quatre's. Jerking his hand way from her, he glared, death evident in his eyes that she who knew nothing of either of them, would dare to do such a thing. Quatre was his responsibility, his to protec-  
  
"The physical contact between the two of you is making it harder for me to block the link. Actually, it'd be better if you were about a hundred miles away from him right now, but something tells me you don't plan to leave his side."  
  
Stunned, Trowa sat back on his heels, and stared openly at the defiant woman before him. He had no idea what to make of her. "Explain."  
  
She nodded, and took a deep breath. Just then, Quatre jerked violently. A moan escaped his lips, and Trowa tried to reach for him, only to be restrained by the doctor. "Don't touch him! I told you I can't control the block when you're touching, it's too strong." Quatre seemed caught in a nightmare, and so was Trowa as his lover struggled, and he could do nothing to help him.  
  
Then, from behind the couch Duo appeared. He ran his hands softly over Quatre's hair, and talked soothingly too him. "Hey, Q. Don't worry, everything's fine. You're gonna be just fine. Trowa's right here, and so are the rest of us, we're not leaving you, man. Just hang in there, we're right here." He continued, speaking softly, until Quatre began to calm down, and finally stop his struggles.  
  
Next to him, the doctor took a deep breath and rested her head against the edge of the couch. "God Sally, you didn't tell me he was so young, he's practically a child still." Her voice was small, pained as she looked up at him then and answered all of his questions, and some he didn't know he had.  
  
"I've only read the little Sally provided me with on Quatre. I had no idea he was so young, but now that I see him, I should have known. He's a very strong empath, one of the strongest I've ever encountered, and I've known him for less than five minutes.  
  
"I felt the Empathic Storm from across the complex; no doubt anyone that's even slightly empathic is going to wake up tomorrow with splitting headaches. Sally you should be prepared for that." At Sally's nod, she continued.  
  
"An Empathic Storm is were both stress and trauma combine in an empath to such extremes that he or she can no longer deal with the pent up emotions. They're unable to prevent the release that accompanies the total destruction of their emotional shields. The shields keep an empath from receiving outside signals, usually in ones as young as Quatre, the shields are strong and fortified. But I walked into this room and was nearly floored by the raw emotion coming from him. Sally's report said he'd been having trouble dealing with a problem, and that he'd been depressed and withdrawn for nearly six months. Is that how long this has been going on?"  
  
Trowa shook his head, "No, he's been feeling the strain a lot longer than that." When he said nothing else she pressed him, "Tell me the rest, Trowa." He looked up at the mention of his name, "The report read that Quatre's lovers name was Trowa, I assumed that was you." He nodded, "Good, then answer the question."  
  
Closing his eyes, he reached down by his leg, and pulled the journal into view, "This is Quatre's journal, there are eight more just like it in the bedroom. I read them today-"  
  
"WHAT!!" Duo's outrage caused the long haired man to shake. "How could you do that Trowa? How could you to Quatre? You had not right to-"  
  
"Duo, be quiet. Trowa wouldn't have if he didn't think it was important." Heero moved to his lover's side, and guided the seething man to one of the chairs. When Duo was situated, he turned to Trowa, "You should explain, I've half a mind to agree with Duo."  
  
Trowa nodded, "So would I, but I made the decision that I would do it anyway, despite the consequences. It seems I was right.and wrong."  
  
"Trowa, you're not making sense, and Quatres' screaming on the couch, and the shrink's clutching her head in the hallway yelling about 'tremendous suffering' not to mention it's three o'clock in the fucking morning! Maybe, just maybe you'd better explain this a little better." Duo's tact was always welcomed in any case.  
  
"I decided to read Quatre's journals in the hopes that they'd help me understand why he wasn't able to come to me for help." He held up his hand for silence when Duo started to protest. A stern nod from Heero had Trowa continuing. "I started from his first journal and continued through the last. I read everything he'd written, feeling guilty, but knowing that he'd have never told me some of the things in there.  
  
"When I reached the end, I was a mess, but also, I realized so many things about Quatre. His pain, all of it, has been to protect someone other than himself, these past years, he's even gone so far as to link directly to me to ease my pain."  
  
"He linked to you before his shields collapsed."  
  
Trowa shook his head at the doctor, "No, Quatre and I are linked. He doesn't know what happened, but some time during the war, right when Heero self detonated, a link slammed into place between us. He's felt me ever since then, over five years."  
  
"A spontaneous link?!" She seemed to mull that over for a moment. "Continue, did Quatre find you with his journals and get upset?"  
  
Trowa chuckled, a dead sound that sent shivers down the spines of all in the room. "No, in fact, Quatre seemed relieved that I was reading them. He told me that he'd been waiting for me to read the journals for years. That he was surprised it had taken me so long. I know, I didn't quite understand it at first either, but you'd have to have read his journals. When I realized the reason he hadn't told me, I-I got upset."  
  
"What do you mean you got upset?"  
  
"He said that he hadn't wanted to tell me about his past because of the pain I'd already gone though. Quatre explained that because of his abilities, he'd been able to take refuge in my peace of mind while we worked through the problems of my past. He told me that he didn't want me to have to deal with both of our pains at the same time, that he'd waited for me to come to him, before he could share his pain with me. I know what he meant, he couldn't trust me. All these years together, and he couldn't trust me; he wanted to, desperately, but all the things from his past have prevented him.  
  
"I got angry and told him that I could have dealt with it, that together we could have figured it out. But he only said that I would have unintentionally compared our pains and that it would have destroyed us both.  
  
"Trying not to get any angrier than I already was, I told him I understood now that he'd been trying to protect himself from me, even though he didn't want to, that he wanted to be open with me, but couldn't. I explained that I understood, and now that I did, we could work through it together, that I was strong enough now to help him. It was all about the journals, it was a test, so see if I'd give everything up to protect him, to see if he could trust me. I told him I'd passed the test and now he could put his trust in me.  
  
"Then, it was like nothing I've ever seen before; he jerked away from me, and clutched his heart, before letting out-that scream, it was so filled with terror and agony. I've never heard such a sound, not ever." He trailed off again, his voice lost all meaning as he looked to Quatre, lying still as stone on the couch. His beautiful lover.  
  
"It wasn't your fault." Dr. Namon's voice cut through his thoughts.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said it wasn't your fault. I could sense your emotions as you spoke, and it wasn't your fault."  
  
"Of course it was! I pushed him, I-"  
  
"No. You told him exactly what he was afraid to hear, the truth. From what you've said, and what I can glean from you emotionally, Quatre has been waiting for you to discover his pain for quite some time.  
  
"He's a classic case. Most empaths can't express their true emotions, they don't know how to do it the way most people do, only how their abilities dictate. Quatre, like most strong empaths, had a mask in place, usually one of a happy person, or soft and quiet, something to detract from the obvious pain and suffering that they're experiencing internally. He's probably wanted to tell you for years what his past was like, but because he's sensitive to your emotional state, it would be like a person explaining to a child that the child's entire family has died. The pain it would have put him through-especially because of the link you say he spoke about-would have been more agonizing than the pain he was already in; at least in the beginning.  
  
"These new pains he's suffering because of his family problems are much worse than explaining his past problems to you, but he doesn't know how now. He's put it off for so long he would have had no idea how to explain why he hadn't told you sooner. So he put it off, hoping to take shelter in the peace he's brought you. And most likely it worked, at least for a time. But this has been going on for a very long time, that much is easy to see. I won't know exactly everything until I get a look at those journals, but I think it's safe to say, your pointing out his obvious need to protect himself from getting hurt, clashed with what he thought he was doing and what he knew he was doing. It shattered his shields and that's what caused the Empathic Storm." She sat, waiting for the group of people to process the information.  
  
Trowa was the first to recover, "Can you help him?"  
  
"It isn't up to me, it's up to him. You've tried to be there for him, I can sense that, but he hasn't responded. I have a feeling he's been so hurt in his past that he doesn't know how to handle a relationship where he doesn't get injured. Again, I'll have to wait to read the journals and talk to him before I know for sure." She paused, weighing her next words carefully. "Trowa, he's-Quatre-is in a lot of pain. It took everything I had to erect the shields and muffle the link between you, even in his suffering he didn't want to let go of you. You're very important to him, and his need to protect you is almost obsessive. Again it's hard to tell at this point, until I talk with him directly but," she paused, and everyone in the room held their breaths waiting, "He's young, perhaps young enough that he can learn how to express his emotions rather than hiding them, but I'm not certain. You need to understand though, that I've never seen a case this bad in one so young before. Usually it takes years and years of torture before a person with empathic abilities even gets close to his point."  
  
"He has been tortured, for years and years. He's suffered because I couldn't reach him-"  
  
She cut him off, a stern look in both her eyes and her voice, "You can't do that Trowa! Listen to me, Quatre is linked to you, that means everything you feel he does too. You've already said that he's taken comfort in your emotions before. Every negative thing you say about yourself not being able to protect him only reinforces his obsession to protect you instead. He'll act like he's getting better-and trust me, empaths as strong as he is can be very convincing-he'll wait until I've decided he's better and then when there's no one around to catch him, he'll crash again. This time will be worse than tonight because he'll have had more time to see how much he's hurt you. He lives for you, that's the nature of obsession. You can't give him any reason to want to rush himself or cover up his real feelings, if anything you need to allow him to rage against you, and then be there for him when he needs comforting. This could go one of two ways, it could either be a long, drawn out process that takes years or even decades, or it could take just a few short weeks; with empaths as strong as he is, it's very hard to tell."  
  
Trowa nodded, "I'm not sure about the journals. I don't know if he'd want you to read them."  
  
"Probably not. But as his psychiatrist, I'll confiscate them if you think Quatre will get angry with you for giving them to me. You need to understand, empaths don't share their emotions with just anyone. He'll probably never open up to me, he'll never be able to trust me completely, as far as he'll be concerned, I'm someone trying to take control away from him. Those journals are the key to this mess, while his family problems are only the catalyst. I need to read over the journals to be able to work my way past the boost in his shields I've given him; it's the only way I'll be able to get past his blocks to help him."  
  
He thought about it a moment, then looked at Duo who seemed startled and apologetic at the same time, "Trowa, I'm sorry, I know you'd never-"  
  
"Don't worry about. I'm glad you're looking out for him. He'd appreciate it. But I want your opinion, Quatre's your best friend, and there may be parts of him that I don't know about that you do. How do you think he'd take me giving the journals to Dr Namon?"  
  
Without pause Duo answered, "He'll be pissed as hell, and normally he wouldn't say anything to you about it, just keep it inside, how hurt he'd be. But lately he's been so hard to predict. Maybe you should just let her confiscate them. That way, you and I will still be on his good side." He gave a weak grin, but it didn't even come close to touching his eyes.  
  
Trowa nodded his agreement, and looked expectantly at the doctor.  
  
"Very well, as newly appointed Psychiatrist to one Quatre Rababera Winner, and being in the employee of Preventers, I hereby confiscate the nine journals of said Winner. I'm also using my medical opinion and judgement to remove him from the active duty list. He's not to leave this room-"  
  
"NO!" Trowa's outburst startled the doctor into silence, but the other boys understood, "You'll understand after reading the journals, but Quatre cannot be detained in these rooms. I'll take full responsibility for him, but he cannot remain trapped in here."  
  
He knew she was an empath, knew she'd understand his emotional plea. "Very well, until I read the journals, I leave him in your custody. But I'll make a decision once I'm finished reading the journals. Until then however, he's to have no contact with anyone outside this base, which includes his sisters, and any other family members. I might as well remove the catalyst.  
  
"Trowa understand that his body is well rested, Sally's report stated that Quatre was being sedated and subdued until I arrived, however, his mind is not rested. Usually an empath 'recharges' during sleep, but for some reason Quatre hasn't, that's why his shields were so weak. Now that I've reinforced the shields around his abilities, and muffled your link, he's finally getting a chance to really rest; something I doubt he's done in a very long time. He could sleep for days this way, allowing his own shields to recalibrate. In the mean time, I'm going to read over the journals, and then interview every single person in this room. I need to know more about what's going on with him, and the time that he's resting is the ideal time."  
  
They all nodded their heads, and Heero and Duo stood to retrieve the other journals from the bedroom. Sally injected another round of sedatives into Quatre, and quietly Trowa lifted his lover up and carried him into the bedroom.  
  
When he came back out, they were preparing to leave. "Trowa," the doctor caught is attention, "Don't be surprised if Quatre has more nightmares like he did earlier. His mind is trying to process the new information he's learned tonight, and also refigure on a plan of action. You'll be able to hold him, I've reinforced shielding enough I think. Be careful not to think negatively, I know it's hard, but just try to concentrate on your love for him, and how much better he'll be soon. He needs you to be there for him, he always has, he just didn't know how to call for you."  
  
With a nod of his head, they left his room, and again, Trowa went to the bed that contained his delicate lover. He tucked Quatre close to his body, offering to his small partner all the love and affection he'd longed to show him. "I love you Quatre. I'll always be here for you. Even though it's going to be hard for a while, I'll never leave you. I love you too much. You can trust me." He allowed his words to die out, as he ran his fingers though the mess of blond hair. 


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 6  
  
Trowa walked down the hall with hurried steps. He'd been sitting with Dr. Namon for longer than he'd wanted, Quatre was in their rooms alone, and Trowa didn't want to run the risk of him awakening without him there.  
  
Three days had past, days in which his life had been turned upside down, and inside out. The first day had been alright, the doctor had spent most of it simply going over the journals, and had contacted him to get clarification on some of the more confusing points. Overall she'd done amazingly well, but had refused to offer him even the slightest hint as to her professional feeling on Quatre's condition. Instead Dr. Corinne Namon, or Corinne as she preferred to be called, was biding her time to make a decision until she'd personally interviewed Quatre, and since he was still sleeping, she'd yet to say a single word.  
  
He walked past the gym, and saw Heero and Duo sparring against each other. The two had been a constant support for him. Surprisingly, even Wufei had dropped by once or twice to check on both him and Quatre.  
  
Wufei had taken it upon himself to perform the daily caseloads of both himself and Quatre. When asked, he'd simply said it was the sensible thing to do, since Duo and Heero were often needed to interview with Corinne. But Trowa had his thoughts, Wufei was doing what he could to protect Quatre, they were pilots, they were friends, and in the end, what is more important than friendship?  
  
Trowa turned the corner contemplating his latest session with Corinne. She'd asked him if he'd known anything about Koeran before reading the journal. He'd been confused by the question but had told her that he'd not known him specifically but he had known that Quatre had had a lover before him. She'd asked how he'd known, and he hadn't been able to help the slight blush that came over his features. With embarrassed speed, he explained that one did not have the patience or skill that his lover had had that first night without some form of practice. She'd wisely accepted his answer.  
  
Corinne then wanted to know about Quatre's relationship with Rashid. Trowa had done his best to explain, and when he'd finished, she'd wanted to know if it was alright with him if she contacted Rashid for an interview as well. He hadn't seen a problem with it, and had in fact thought that Quatre would enjoy seeing his old friend again, it'd been a long time since Rashid had been able to tear himself from his responsibilities as Director of Security at the Mars Terraforming project. Quatre would be very excited to see him indeed.  
  
He thought back to his first impression of Corinne. At first he'd thought her cold and unyielding, but the last three days had proven him wrong. That first night, she'd been under a great deal of stress due to the Empathic Storm she'd had to waylay. But since that night, she'd become openly friendly to him, professional, but not detached. He genuinely felt she wanted to help Quatre, and as far as he was concerned, that was all that mattered.  
  
Punching in the unlock pass, Trowa stepped into the main room of their quarters. Moving across the room, he opened the bedroom door to check on Quatre.  
  
At first he didn't believe his eyes, and then, a thinly veiled panic set over him. Quatre was not in the bed, though the sheets and covers were put back into their correct places. Trying to remember that he couldn't allow any negative emotions, he spun around to try to locate Quatre, and maybe call a security team, when he suddenly heard a dull sound of water running.  
  
Realization dawned on him that it was the sound of the shower, and he moved quickly around the bed to the bathroom door. Pressing the panel pad, the door swooshed open and a wall of steam blinded him for a moment.  
  
When it cleared, Trowa opened his eyes, and then lost ability to breathe.  
  
Long ago, Quatre had wanted to make their home special. They'd often traveled to his other estates, their lavish display of wealth all in good taste and character. But Quatre had wanted their rooms to be a place they could call home as well; and so the very first thing he'd done when he moved into Trowa's quarters, was redo the bathroom.  
  
It had originally been done in sterile metal fixtures. Steel countertops, a large mirror with no decorations, and few personal touches. Quatre had made it his sacred mission to turn the bathroom into something more open and cheery. Trowa remembered asking why, when everything had had its place. But Quatre had only shaken his head and told him to wait and see the difference.  
  
When the remodeling was finished, he completely understood what his lover had meant. The counters had been replaced with cream colored marble, while the faucets shimmered with gold and silver accents. But by far the crowning piece was the shower stall. The metal accents remained, but the once solid steel door was now a sheet of crystal clear glass. He'd agreed that he liked his lover's taste in décor much better.  
  
In the left over steam that surrounding the room, Quatre's water soaked form shone against the mist. His blond locks dripped water from the ends, while the rest clung to his body. Trowa watched, fascinated by the beauty of the image before him, as Quatre lifted his hands to run though his hair. He could hear the soft moan of pleasure emitted from his love as he washed the suds away. But it was Trowa's turn to moan when Quatre bent down to retrieve a shampoo dispenser he'd set on the floor of the stall.  
  
Moving away from the door, Trowa leaned against the countertop, and watched hungrily as Quatre continued to bathe, not knowing he was being watched. He felt his body stir at the perfect image of this beauty before him. Trowa had long ago realized that had Quatre been at all interested in women, he'd have already taken many lovers by the time they'd first met. His body was beautiful, always had been in its deceivingly delicate display.  
  
He closed his eyes against the image before him. It had been nearly a month since they had made love. Quatre had been too distracted, and on the one occasion they had attempted it, something had gone completely and embarrassingly wrong. Since that horrible night, Quatre had shied away from him usually feigning fatigue. But as he watched his lover move around in blissful ignorance, Trowa couldn't help his body's ache for its partner.  
  
A soft giggle caught his attention, but it was his name that caused his eyes to open in shocked embarrassment, "Trowa? What'cha doin'?" Quatre had the door open, and was halfway out of the shower, dripping water on the white marble floor but not caring. Trowa's eyes got large as he was presented with the full display of his lover's generously proportioned body.  
  
Quatre giggled again, and a sly smile broke across Trowa's face, "I'm watching you bathe, Quatre."  
  
"Hm. Do you like what you see?" The teasing tone in his voice set Trowa's blood on fire.  
  
"I always like looking at you." He saw Quatre's eyes grow smoky and reveled in the knowledge that he'd done that, his words, his actions, he had made that lust-filled look settle onto Quatre's face.  
  
"It's been a long time Trowa, do you think we can remember how to do more than look?" Trowa could see the rise and fall of his chest increase in tempo as his breath fogged the glass his face rested against.  
  
He moaned, "God Quatre, you're beautiful."  
  
His lover smiled and then gave a quick and seductive wink, "Well, if you want more than a quick look through a sheet of glass, I suggest you get your gorgeous ass in here, pronto."  
  
Trowa smiled as the door shut, and Quatre leaned purposely over to retrieve the conditioner. Thinking to do the unexpected, Trowa walked to the glass door, ripped it open, and stepped into the stream of rushing water.  
  
"Trowa! You didn't take your clothes off first! They're getting soaked!" Excited and mockingly stern, Quatre moved his hands to the top of Trowa's shirt, before pulling with all of his strength and popping each and every button from its place, sending them to the floor of the enclosure with a ping. "I'll buy you a new one." And with that, Quatre pressed his drenched body fully against Trowa's, before pulling his head down for the kiss of a lifetime.  
  
Tongues clashed together as each fought to show the other how their long separation had only fueled their desires for the other. Quatre laced his fingers through Trowa's hair; while the other ran his hands up and down his small lover's back before clenching them around his lower cheeks and bringing their groins quickly together.  
  
The kiss broke in a moan of pure need, and Quatre tugged the now soaked shirt from Trowa's body. "Too many clothes, Trowa. Help me with these pants." Together they yanked and tugged the offensive material from his lean body. Finally when everything lay on a heap at their feet, Quatre threw open the door, and kicked the soggy mess out into the bathroom floor, "I'll clean it up later, maybe tomorrow, or even the next-"  
  
But Trowa's mouth descended on Quatre's that instant and prevented another word. As one, they delved into each other, exploring crevices they hadn't been privy to in so very long. Deep and powerful moans came from the pair as hands caressed, and flesh pressed against flesh in a sexual display as old as time itself.  
  
Quatre ran his fingers through Trowa's hair, wetting the strands before combing back the bangs that prevent him from seeing the other completely. "I want to see you Trowa, I feel like it's been eternity since I've seen you."  
  
"It has been, little one, it has been."  
  
Their passions for one another locked and combined, to create a frenzy of motion that spoke volumes of the other's desire. Warm water cascaded on the two as their moans became louder, their actions more desperate in nature, until finally Quatre gave voice to the need.  
  
"Trowa.Trowa, please! I need you!"  
  
Lifting Quatre up against the shower wall, he felt legs wrap around his waist, their sexes pressed harshly together, eliciting a strangled cry from them both.  
  
"Quatre, you tell me.tell me how you want this done. I want you, so much. Tell me how to pleasure you."  
  
With one hand wrapped around Trowa's neck, Quatre ran his other down Trowa's tight chest to brush firmly over the nipple he found in his path. Trowa moaned again, before pulling Quatre even closer to his aching body. "Quatre."  
  
Claiming his mouth, Quatre continued his tactile exploration of his long time lover. Finally, when Trowa seemed mad with desire and blinded by need, Quatre rested his hand around Trowa's length, giving the hard flesh the complete run of his hand. Leaning close to Trowa's ear, Quatre whispered, "I want you, Trowa. I want you now, hard, and fast. I want you to take me, you and I as one, together forever. Show me you'll never leave me."  
  
With a passion born from desperation, need, and desire to show his lover he could trust in him, Trowa allowed the water cascading down his arms to his fingers to act as the barrier that would allow easier movement of his finger in Quatre's tight passage. The pure agonizing and arousing moan that issued from Quatre nearly had Trowa unraveled before they'd begun.  
  
Calling upon years of patience, Trowa readied Quatre for the blissful invasion of his body. He kissed away the discomfort Quatre felt as his fingers stretched the channel that would unite them as one perfect being, one of love and now trust. His tongue dueled with Quatre's and he could feel the younger man lift his hips against his stomach, "Patience Quatre, I don't want to hurt you."  
  
"I don't care Trowa! I need you inside of me, now!"  
  
And then in one giant surge, they were one. Quatre stifled a scream by burying his head in his partner's neck, while Trowa gathered all of his willpower not to pull back and slam into the tight pleasure surrounding him. When he sensed that Quatre had adjusted to his length, he pulled slightly back, before throwing his hips forward in a primal display of dominance.  
  
Quatre's desperate moans and cries spurned him on, as thrust after thrust drove him closer to the edge. He braced himself and Quatre against the steel wall, before moving his hand to embrace his lover's sex, and pumped to a similar rhythm as his hips.  
  
He wasn't quite sure when he sensed the change, but the moment he did, it brought home the reality that even though Quatre now seemed more like his old self, he was still not completely there. Thrust after powerful thrust slammed into that spot that Quatre desperately needed, but Trowa could feel his blond lover struggling against the onslaught of pleasure, resisting it with a blinding will.  
  
Quatre's face was a mask of pain and radiant pleasure, his body, ridged against both himself and the cold steel of the wall. Trowa continued to press forward and ease back, only to repeat. He lifted his head, and met Quatre's lips, forcing his tongue to gain entrance. His own body was so very close, but he refused to take is own release until Quatre. With that thought in mind his body continued to move inside as he lifted his head and spoke softly with word, and tone to his beloved.  
  
"It's ok, Quatre. I want you to come with me. It will be ok. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I won't leave you. You can trust me, Quatre. I love you so much; you can trust me." He increased his tempo, applying more pressure to the areas that caused the largest response from his partner. "It's alright now, Quatre. You're safe with me. I won't let anything happen to you, I won't let anyone take you away from me, not ever. You can trust me, Quatre. I love you so much. It's ok to feel now Quatre, I'm here to help you. Just feel, my love. Come for me."  
  
With a scream of his name, so loud, it echoed continuously in the small room, Quatre let go. His body spasmed, and soon Trowa followed in a mind- blowing orgasm that shook him to his very core.  
  
He didn't recognize the sound at first, couldn't comprehend it though the muffled sound that accompanies the ultimate release, but the gentle shaking of his lover brought Trowa's mind from its fogged sense of security.  
  
Quatre, with is face tucked in his neck, was shaking with quiet sobs against him. For a moment he feared he'd hurt him unwittingly, before he paused and realized what had just happened.  
  
His poor Quatre, so badly broken and bruised, crushed and damaged, had finally let go. He'd allowed his body the release it had so desperately needed, and now, in the aftermath of proclaimed love, his beautiful Quatre lay exposed and bared to the world.  
  
Using muscle tone borne from years of training in the circus, Trowa willed his legs to slowly descend as he and Quatre sank to the floor of the shower stall. Working his arms around his lover, Trowa pulled him closer to his body, offering warmth and protection from the still raining water.  
  
The quiet sobs turned into full-blown calls from the soul. Quatre shook in his arms, fear and release a heady mixture that left him exposed and frightened.  
  
"Shhhh, Quatre. It's alright now. I'm here, you're going to be alright. Shhhh." He continued, offering the protection of his body, and the words Quatre needed to hear and believe.  
  
When the sobs were little more than hiccups, and the shaking coming only in sporadic bursts, Trowa leaned up and turned the water off. He lifted Quatre into his arms, and pushed open the door before stepping into the room. He set Quatre down, gently on the counter, mindful of the soreness he was most likely feeling. With practiced ease, Trowa pulled a towel from the cabinet, and wrapped it about his waist, before taking two more and moving back to Quatre's still form.  
  
He placed one towel about his lover's shoulders, before taking the other and drying the water droplets from his golden hair. When all the excess water was removed, Trowa dropped that towel on the counter and started to rub the other along his lover's slightly chilled body.  
  
Without a word, Trowa lifted Quatre from the counter and set him on his feet. He quickly tied the cloth around the Arabian's slight waist, before quickly drying himself off as well. Placing his arm about the smaller man's shoulders, Trowa steered him from the bathroom and into their bedroom.  
  
He gently lifted Quatre's unresponsive body onto the raised mattress, before he moved to the closet to remove clothing for them.  
  
When he'd dressed them both in comfortable attire, he pushed Quatre back onto the bed before lying down next to him. Enveloping his lover in his embrace, he pillowed the blond head against his firm shoulder. "Rest now Quatre. I'll watch over you while you sleep."  
  
It was a long time before he heard the deep breathing, but the sound was music to his ears. Quatre was still in so much pain, even though Trowa was now there for him, allowed to be a part of the pain. He needed to remember that his gentle lover couldn't ask for help, that he would have to be the one to see the things Quatre needed before it was too late.  
  
Leaning his head down, he placed a soft kiss on the still flush forehead, "You don't have to worry anymore. I'm never going to leave you, Quatre, I'm never going to let anyone hurt you again. You can trust me."  
  
* * *  
  
It was early evening when Quatre awoke. His eyes struggled against the sleep that still fought to hold him. With a slight moan of protest, he opened his eyes, and ran his hand across the firm chest of.  
  
He started, sitting up in a rush, only Trowa's hands keeping him in place against his lover's chest.  
  
"Shhh, Quatre, it's alright."  
  
A flash of images fell into place, as he remembered their powerful reunion in the shower that afternoon. He moaned in despair as he remembered his display afterward, his weakness. Quatre pushed against Trowa's chest, trying to rise, but again strong arms wrapped around his waist and head to draw him back to his earlier position.  
  
"Oh God. Trowa, I'm so, so sorry."  
  
"No, Quatre, you have nothing to be sorry about."  
  
He shifted his free hand that rested on Trowa's chest, up to encircle his partner's neck. "I feel so awful Trowa. I can't believe I did that to you. I don't even know what came over me."  
  
One small chuckle rose Trowa's chest before he felt calming fingers run lightly through is tangled hair, removing the knots they found there with gentleness. "You shouldn't be upset, Quatre. I'd have to agree that it was a very heady experience. We don't usually go so fast-"  
  
He sat up in a rush, fear being the only thing that could pull him from Trowa's loving arms, "Oh God, Trowa, I'm so sorry! I thought you'd wanted it to be faster! You should have stopped me, told me 'no'. Trowa-"  
  
Again he was cut off as Trowa leaned up and pressed a hungry kiss against his mouth. His lover nibbled his lower lip, and with an apprehensive need to feel reassurance that their act of love had been received as he'd wanted, he opened his mouth to accept the intrusion. The kiss deepened, and Quatre leaned his body against Trowa's before wrapping his hands behind his neck, drawing Trowa even closer.  
  
Time passed, but neither one pulled away. Quatre gave into the feelings he felt, allowing Trowa to direct him, while he relaxed completely into the gentle comfort he picked up through the link that was not screaming at him.  
  
He'd been worried when he realized that he hadn't felt Trowa enter the bathroom; but since he'd woken up their link together had been barely vibrating. He could still sense Trowa, still knew he was there, but it was more like a person telling you their emotions by word, than feeling them. He'd been relieved once he realized that the sleep had strengthened his shields and muffled the link. The other night had been terrible, he couldn't remember ever feeling so much pain and despair. He prayed to Allah that he'd never have to relive that night again.  
  
His mind wondered how Trowa had fared through his outburst the other night. He was stunned when his mind came back with the reply that Trowa was a strong man, he could take care of himself, not to mention Quatre. He tried to push that thought away, tried to tell his mind that Trowa needed him, that his lover was strong, but would never be able to carry such a burden. But his mind told him otherwise, revisiting Trowa's promise, and its own realization that Trowa had passed the test, his lover could finally know his secrets. Trowa, his wonderfully gentle lover could withstand the pain of the outside world, of his sister's hated remarks, of his past, and all the terrible things that came with them. All this while he and Trowa clashed together, hoping to reassure the other with touch and taste.  
  
Finally, gasping for breath, Quatre pulled away, "Trowa, tell me it was alright, that you weren't disappointed."  
  
With his bangs pushed completely out of the way, Quatre could see Trowa's full smile, witness his eyes glowing with remembered passion, "I promise, it was one of our most amazing times together."  
  
Blushing slightly Quatre let go of the breath he hadn't known he'd been holding before foregoing another round with Trowa, and laying his head in the crook of those strong arms. He was enveloped again and Trowa nuzzled his chin against his hair.  
  
These were the moments that all couples lived for; these quiet moments when no words needed to be said. When everything that usually needed voice, had been instead enacted through lovemaking. There was no need to say anything, only feel the comfort of one another, and know that they might have been one in body a moment before, but were now one in mind and spirit.  
  
Together they lay quietly, both gaining warmth from each other. Quatre traced nonsense patterns into the muscles of Trowa's chest, while the other laid sporadic kisses in blond hair. For the first time in months they seemed genuinely happy, basking in the glow of each other.  
  
It wasn't until the most horrendous sound reached their ears that both lovers sat up, looked at each other, and let out huge comical laughs. Quatre rolled onto his back and wrapped his hands across his offensive stomach. "Uuuh, Trowa, I think I better eat something before my stomach decided to forgo the food and eat me."  
  
Nodding, Trowa sat up and leaned over him to lay a kiss on Quatre's upturned face. "It's about six, dinner should be available. Besides, if we hurry, we might get to have dinner with Duo and Heero."  
  
"Really! All right, let's go then!" Scrambling off the bed, Quatre walked to the door before he heard the gentle noise Trowa used to get his attention. He turned around and watched Trowa looking pointedly at him, "What is it Trowa?"  
  
With a smiling shake of his head, Trowa directed a finger at Quatre's frame, "Perhaps you'll consider putting some clothes on before you go out in public?"  
  
Wide-eyed, Quatre looked down to see that he indeed was wearing only one of his trademark pink shirts. He blushed profusely, which only elicited a deep laugh from Trowa, before he walked over to the closet to retrieve a more appropriate outfit. Along the way, he mumbled about indecent exposure and at least being more dressed than Duo was the time he'd completely forgotten to dress after a morning hangover.  
  
Shaking his head in amusement, Trowa followed him into the closet for his own clothes. 


	9. Chapter 8

The mess hall was half-empty when they entered a few minutes later, completely dressed and hungry. The five pilots had the option of using a separate and private dining area, but after so long being alone during the war, they usually preferred the activity that surrounded them in the mess.  
  
Against one wall was the food line, and the rest of the room supported comfortable chairs that were conducive to long conversations, and thankfully comfortable enough to sit in after long bouts of lovemaking.  
  
Quatre smiled as they entered, Trowa's arm wrapped possessively around his shoulder. He loved it when Trowa displayed to the world that they belonged to each other; he felt all a glow when the world saw how happy they were together. He had his arm about his lover's waist and a smile that, for the first time in a long time, he actually felt.  
  
"QUATRE!!!!!!!!!" He saw Duo come at him in a flying run before he stepped away from Trowa to prevent them both going down. The tackle was complete and both he and Duo landed squarely on the ground. He gave a yelp as his still sore bottom landed against the tiled floor.  
  
Duo didn't notice and instead had his arms wrapped around his neck and waist, hugging him in a death grip. "Duo.I missed you too.but you have to let me up.I can't.breathe." He was exaggerating, but not by much.  
  
"Man Quatre, you can be such a wimp sometimes, I was barely touching you!" His smile took over his entire face, and Quatre could tell that he was genuinely happy to see his best friend again.  
  
"Duo, get off him. You could have injured him."  
  
"No, Heero, I'm fine." His butt shifted across the floor and he groaned, "Well, basically fine."  
  
He shouldn't have said that, "OH God! Quatre, I didn't really hurt you did I? I'm so sorry. Heero says I don't know my own strength, but I just thought he was kidding, or talking about sex-"  
  
SMACK!!!  
  
"HEY, Heero, what was that for?!"  
  
"Duo no baka!"  
  
"What'd I do this time?!" Duo winked at Quatre, letting him know that he knew exactly what he'd done, and completely enjoyed his partners' slight embarrassment. Standing, Duo offered Quatre his hand before hauling him to his feet. Duo went over to mock Heero some more, while Trowa moved in behind Quatre.  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
His lover was so attentive, "Yeah, I'm fine." He rubbed his hand over his lower cheeks discreetly, "But next time, sex after food with Duo." The roar of laughter that came from Trowa had the entire dining hall staring at them. Duo and Heero even looked stunned, and all Quatre could do was bow his head in embarrassment and allow his cheeks to blaze a fiery crimson.  
  
"OH, I think there's a story here!" Duo moved closer to the pair and nudged Quatre with his elbow. "Ok Q. spill, what's so funny to make Mr. Painting laugh that loud?"  
  
"He's not a painting! He's the most gorgeous, perfect, and loving man I've ever known," Quatre defended.  
  
Suddenly a huge smile erupted on Duo's face, and even Heero was sporting a grin. "So the sex was that good, huh?"  
  
Quatre flushed again, but felt Trowa's hands squeeze his waist affectionately. He looked Duo square in the face then said, "Mind altering."  
  
Duo's whoop could be heard across the dining hall, and those that knew the pilots well smiled to themselves at the groups' antics. If anyone deserved happiness, it was the group of boys that had been forced to become men far too soon.  
  
"Quatre, I swear, it's great to have you back with us!" Duo draped his hand across Quatre's shoulders and addressed the entire mess hall. "Excuse me!" Everyone was already looking at them, so it didn't take long for him to gain their attention. "I would just like you all to know that my best friend Quatre," he moved his other hand to indicate him, "has once again decided to join the land of the living, and enjoying with us tonight, the fine delicacies this great establishment has to offer." Loud protests to his implying the food was any good could be heard from all corners of the room. "But mostly I'd like you all to know that our ever so handsome Arabian knight-ladies he's taken, so back off-has just had the most-"  
  
"QUATRE!!!!" The small voice broke Duo's monologue and shifted the audiences' attention away from the blushing blond to the little red haired girl that came running across the room from the other entrance. Her shoulder length hair swung into her face as she ran around chairs and dashed past people to get to her bestest best friend.  
  
"MARIEMINNA!" Quatre stepped away from Duo, and enveloped the small girl in a huge hug before lifting her off the ground, and swinging her into the air. Her joyous laughter filled the room, as people applauded both that Duo had been shut up and for the display before them.  
  
Quatre hugged the little girl close to him, stopping the twirling action, "Marieminna, I missed you so much! How are you?"  
  
Flushed from her sprint across the room, her cheek were aglow as she looked at him, love shining in her eyes. "I missed you so much Quatre! I've done so many things since you came to play with me. And I've got so much to tell you! Quatre, you're not going to believe what's happened!"  
  
"What, tell me, quick!" He loved this little girl. During that terrible incident where she had literally been out of her mind, Quatre had still felt such a pull towards her. She was innocence personified and yet held the cold and calculating intellect to bring down life as they knew it. Marieminna had received the best counseling the Earth and the colonies had to offer, and thanks to that, and Lady Une's constant and loving supervision, she had almost regressed to her former childlike state. There were moments of course, that she seemed to remember the past, when she'd act like the dictator she'd almost become; but for the most part, she was now only the sweet little girl that he loved to play with, talk to, and take places. So many times he'd wished that any child he could ever have would be as carefree and wonderful as the child he now held in his arms.  
  
"Oh Quatre, it's so amazing, you're going to be so proud of me!" She could barely contain her excitement as she latched her arms more firmly around his neck. "I finally did it! Just like you said, and it was great, and I'm so happy, and so is Mom, and I--everything is perfect!"  
  
Quatre tried his best to follow her train of thought, but it was so hard when one as young as Marieminna got started. "Ok! Ok, tell me! I can't wait!" His smile lit up his face, and he could see his friends also sharing smiles between themselves. It had been a long time since he'd smiled so openly, a very long time.  
  
"I did just like you said, and I thought really, really hard about it. Then I went and talked to Deteera, and even Jakone before I decided." Quatre recognized the names of her two favorite counselors, before she continued in a rush. "Then even when I finished talking with them, I wanted to talk to you, but you weren't feeling well, so I had to think for myself, but that was ok, because I'm super smart." She giggled at her own admission, and Quatre couldn't help the laugh that broke from him.  
  
Behind Marieminna's head, Quatre saw Lady Une standing a discrete distance away, allowing the reunion. He smiled at her and nodded in greeting, which she returned. Turning back to the bundle of energy in his arms, he motioned for her to continue.  
  
"So like I said, I thought really long and hard about it, and then I decided to do it! I wanted to tell you first, but Trowa said that your heart was sick and that I had to wait to visit you until you were better. I was kinda sad, but I told Trowa-" she stopped mid sentence, and looked from Trowa back to him. "Quatre, Trowa said he wouldn't tell you. He didn't did he?"  
  
Looking to Trowa, he shook his head, "Nope, Trowa hasn't said anything to me. So what is it, did you convince Lady Une to give you that puppy you wanted?"  
  
"Puppy?" She seemed confused before she remembered the conversation they'd had in the park over a month ago. "No, I don't need a puppy now; I got something even better!" Her face seemed to light up even more, and Quatre had a mind to search for the battery that had to have been installed in her petite body somewhere.  
  
In a stage-whisper, she leaned very close to him, "I asked Lady Une if I could call her Mom." Her smile rivaled the sun as she gazed at Quatre then. He was stunned, marveled at the wondrous girl in his arms. "And you know what she said?" He looked at her expectantly, but already knowing the answer, "She said YES!!!!" She yelled the last part, leaning away from Quatre before changing her mind, and throwing her full weight against him.  
  
"Marieminna, that's wonderful! I'm so proud of you. You did it! Oh goodness, I'm so proud of you!" She sat back, basking in the praise he gave her. "You were so brave; I bet it took a lot of courage to ask her to be your Mom, huh?" She nodded her head. "Well then, you are the bravest girl in the whole wide word! I'm so happy for you. You have to tell me everything!"  
  
She opened her mouth to start, but then suddenly closed it and her bright smile dimmed just a little. He grew worried as she looked over his shoulder at Trowa before returning her sobered eyes to his. "Quatre, can I ask you a question?"  
  
Not knowing what else to do at her sudden and uncharacteristic mood change he nodded.  
  
She struggled for a moment, seeming to weigh her words in a fashion that reminded him of her early years in the complex, when she'd still been trying desperately to decide which persona she wanted to place her trust in. "Your heart," she paused, "it's better isn't it? You're not sick anymore, are you?"  
  
Pulling her close, he felt his heart go out to her, and he wrapped her into a tight hold. Carefully, he allowed a small, controlled link to form between the two. He rarely ever linked to anyone besides Trowa, but Marieminna had been a distant second as her energy and joy in life often drew away his darker moods. Through the link he passed her his feelings of acceptance, and love; he surrounded her with warmth and happiness.  
  
Her eyes lit up, and she tightened her hold around his neck, "Is that how you really feel, Quatre?" She was so astute, catching onto things he'd been able to prevent even Trowa from discovering.  
  
He'd been watching her play one day, drawing from her the happiness she felt in his company when she'd suddenly stopped and asked why he was tugging. Not having been touching her, he questioned her remark. "I just felt you tugging on me, like you wanted me to give you something." He'd known then that she was slightly empathic, and had told her in simple terms as such. She'd been so excited, but had taken his advice to keep very quiet about it. "I'm only going to tell Lady Une. She'd want to know." He'd told her that was fine, but that she shouldn't tell that it had been himself that had explained. He hadn't wanted his abilities to come into question at the time. Again she'd agreed and proceeded to tell Lady all about how she'd read a book and believed she really was empathic. Later tests had proven that she was marginally sensitive.  
  
But now she was calling him on his emotions, and he'd promised himself that he would never lie to her intentionally, "Yep, that's how I really feel. I'm all better. You wait and see, we're going to do everything together now. I have to make up for lost time, don't I?" She nodded her head, her smile returning to its earlier brightness. "Good, now, I'll tell you what, I'm super hungry, 'cause it's been a long time since I ate anything," he whispered loud enough so the group standing a few feet away could hear, "I think Trowa's been eating all the food; does he look a little bit fat to you?"  
  
Her eyes danced over to Trowa, who hadn't seemed to gain a pound since their days as pilots. Understanding the joke, she giggled and leaned really close, their noses touching, "Yeah! He looks like he ate all the cake! He's bigger than a house!" She collapsed into a fit of giggles then, and Quatre couldn't help following her as Trowa feigned being stunned and hurt.  
  
Quatre set Marieminna down gently on the floor before moving to Trowa's side and pretended to assess him. "Yep, I think he ate all the cake, and then probably all the ice cream too!" Another round of giggles had Marieminna nearly rolling on the floor, and he couldn't stop himself from giving Trowa a wink.  
  
Leaning up to him, Quatre whispered for his ears only, "Don't worry, love, we'll make sure to work off all that food so you don't get fat." Trowa smiled a knowing smile, before dipping his head to capture Quatre's lips in a light kiss. Again, Quatre reveled in the public display of affection.  
  
Taking Trowa's hand, the two lovers walked to the counter to order their dinners.  
  
"You're great with her, Quatre."  
  
He smiled, "Thanks. She's just what I've always wanted, an adoring little sister to do everything with. Plus she's so cute."  
  
They collected their food and returned to the table that now sported Duo, Heero, Wufei-who'd entered some time during the banter between himself and Trowa- Marieminna who'd saved a special seat for him, and Lady Une.  
  
"Congratulations on your newest title Lady Une." She blushed under the compliment before Marieminna hugged her about the waist.  
  
"Thank you, it is quite an honor. One I hope to do justice."  
  
"I have absolutely no doubt in your abilities."  
  
They sat, surrounded by friends who were as good, if not better than family. He chatted with Duo, and even held a mini conversation with Heero. Marieminna had so much to tell him that her tiny voice dominated the conversation to the point where her new mom had to tell her to let him talk with the others for a little while.  
  
They talked and laughed, and before long, Quatre had eaten four times his normal amounts, too which Duo teased and cajoled. As the time grew on, Marieminna and Lady Une excused themselves, and Quatre promised to visit the little girl after her lessons were over tomorrow.  
  
Then it was just the five of them. Like old times, they chatted; Duo and himself carrying the conversation, while Heero and Trowa interjected a few words of wisdom here and there. Wufei smiled and chuckled in all the right places, but Quatre could see him watching Sally-who sat with another woman a few tables away.  
  
"Wufei, why don't you invite Sally and her friend over? It's been so long since I had a chance to spend any time with her that didn't involve me being on the receiving end of one lecture or another." He smiled to show his humor; Wufei returned the gesture before going over to retrieve his girlfriend.  
  
Conspiratorially, Quatre leaned in towards Duo, the one amongst them who was the closest to the Shelong pilot, "He hasn't asked her yet, has he?"  
  
Duo snorted, "Please! That guy's just going to wait until hell freezes over before he pops the question." An evil glint entered into his eyes before he said, "But you know Quatre, it's been a long time since we tried our hand at annoying Wufei. Maybe it's time to think up a plan to get them married and Sally pregnant with twins; what do you say?"  
  
Quatre watched Heero roll his eyes before he nodded. He looked at Trowa knowing that he'd have a secret smile, but was surprised to find him looking away from the table of friends entirely.  
  
Following his gaze, he saw the woman Sally had been eating with stand to follow Wufei back to the table. Thinking to tease his lover, Quatre leaned ever so close to him before asking, "Do you like what you see?"  
  
His earlier words from their time in the shower brought Trowa rushing back to him. A remembered look of lust crossed his face before he turned a cute shade of pink. Quatre laughed and rested his hand on the other's knee, "Sorry Trowa, it was too easy; I had to go for it."  
  
A sly smile broke Trowa's face, "Oh, don't worry, you'll pay for it later."  
  
Smiling widely, Quatre pressed his lips to Trowa's just as Wufei returned to the table.  
  
"Oh for the love of-can't you two wait until after we're done eating?!"  
  
Raising his hand at the challenge, Duo remarked, "I'm done; and I for one want to see some tongue action!"  
  
"You would, Maxwell."  
  
"Wu-man, you're just jealous! Quatre, maybe you should drop Trowa and show Wufei what he's missing."  
  
A protesting gasp issued from Quatre who snuggled into Trowa's chest, and Sally's red faced embarrassment caused the entire table to erupt into fits of laughter.  
  
Once settled, introductions were made. "Quatre, I'd like you too meet Dr. Corinne Namon, Corinne this is Quatre Rababera Winner."  
  
He held out his hand, "It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I'm sure any friend of Sally's is a wonderful friend indeed."  
  
He noticed the shift in the mood almost immediately, and turned to Trowa for an explanation. But it was Corinne who eventually explained.  
  
"Congratulations on your control."  
  
Confused, he turned back towards the doctor and said, "I'm sorry, I don't understand."  
  
"With the little girl, that was a very controlled link. Usually people who have just passed through an Empathic Storm don't path with as much control. Congratulations."  
  
Her tone wasn't condescending, but the shock at being discovered by anyone registered itself plainly on his face.  
  
"I'm sorry, the Dr. stands for Doctor of Psychiatry, but more importantly a doctor of empathic medicine. I was told you were expecting me." She gave him a real smile before sitting back and waiting for Quatre's response.  
  
Waiting a beat to gain his footing, Quatre returned the smile, "Well then it really is my pleasure to meet you. And yes, Trowa did mention that you would be coming. I do hate to disappoint you, but it seems that I no longer require your expert services. I will however, provide any due compensation you think appropriate." His voice was almost cold and very calculating. It was his father's voice, and he hated using it. Even when he'd been younger, and with the servants, he'd always had a warm inflection in his voice. But this woman was an empath and not to be trusted; it was too easy for her to learn too much too fast.  
  
"I appreciate your concern, but I think that there might be some things we still need to discuss. Perhaps tomorrow afternoon would be easier for you on such short notice." Her smile spoke of power over him, and she knew exactly what she was doing. Quatre felt his blood boil as he tried to think of an easy way to dismiss her and return the jovial atmosphere that had left the table.  
  
"I'm afraid I can't make that appointment. Furthermore, there have been some new developments to my," he paused, "case. It won't be necessary of me to take up more of your precious time."  
  
"Oh please, my time belongs solely to you. If you don't mind though, I'd appreciate hearing about these 'new developments;' they could greatly help me understand your case, as it were. I feel that I've learned quite a bit watching you since you entered this evening, but I'm curious as to your own assessment of yourself."  
  
She was baiting him, and he felt the rage consume him. How dare this woman think to play him for a fool. He'd dealt with his sisters, elitist society, and even his father; this woman had nothing on any of them. He knew from past experience with empaths that she had been setting a base while he'd been chatting unknowingly with his friends. He also knew that from the base she'd established, she could tell without a shadow of a doubt almost everything he was feeling now. He'd have to be careful.  
  
"I of course am not a doctor of your caliber, but I woke up feeling quite rested, and I'm sure you know the value of a good nights sleep." She nodded her head as would be expected. Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Duo's expression. Duo had once witnessed him talking to a diplomat from the colonies while they stayed together during the war. He'd often said that he never wanted to hear Quatre's "I'm the king of the world" voice; it just freaked him out. Quatre made a mental note to apologize to Duo later. "Also, I've come to a better understanding with my partner, and I feel this will work out nicely. I again thank you for your time and consideration, but I will be able to work through this on my own from this point."  
  
"You'll forgive me Mr. Winner-may I call you Quatre-Quatre, but I'm afraid I don't think you have the unbiased outlook you should to assess your case. More to the point, and I hope you don't mind me being blunt, but you're actually a little too unstable for me to let you try to handle this on your own." Her smile stung bitter sweet, and Quatre felt every muscle in his body tense with frustration.  
  
"It seems Sally has placed you in very high regard, and I couldn't possibly take you away from patients that could benefit more from your expertise." He rolled the last word off his tongue, allowing it to act as the final blow to end the conversation. It didn't work that way.  
  
A small laugh issued from the black haired woman, "My, it is true; you are very good at this. Your father trained you quite well to be a regular bastard."  
  
Her remark cut to the quick, and he felt himself rise up to the challenge. "Madam, you know absolutely nothing about either myself or my father. Regardless of what anyone at this table may have told you, you have no idea what you are talking about. I suggest you reconsider your words, carefully."  
  
"I'm sure that no one at this table could have told me anything about your past. I doubt you've ever given a complete answer about who you really are to any of them, even Trowa. But I assure you, that after having read your journals, I'm confident in my assessment."  
  
That bitch! His mind screamed at him that she-who was no one, but a barrier between himself and freedom-had crossed a line as old as time. He shot from his seat, standing over her. "I do hope that you were joking just now, Madam. Because if you were not, I fully intent to bring you up on charges of theft and slander."  
  
"You of course could try, but it would never work, as I was hired by the Preventers, the department you work for. As such, I have the right-and responsibility to my patient-to do whatever I feel necessary to help him. And before you say it, the Preventers have the right to appoint anyone they choose as a medical advisor without the consent of the patient-which would be you, Quatre. Beyond that, your partner Trowa has agreed to my treating your case."  
  
Her words struck him as he realized she was absolutely correct. Needing to lash out at someone for his lack of control, he turned to Trowa. "Is what she's said true, did you agree to having her in this-position?"  
  
Trowa sat dejectedly in his chair. With a resigned sigh, he looked to Quatre and nodded his head. "I though it best-"  
  
"BEST! You have no idea what's best for me!" For some reason, it was easier to fight against Trowa. The absence of the link kept Trowa's pain at his words from bleeding over, and he found himself reveling in the newly allowed power he felt. At the same time however, a small part of him railed at the way he was treating his lover.  
  
"Quatre-"  
  
"NO! Trowa this is completely unacceptable! How could you even think to presume such a thing, and especially without my consent! What were you thinking?!"  
  
Just then the dam that had been keeping the link closed burst, flooding his mind with the pain Trowa had experienced by his words and actions. Letting out a strangled gasp, Quatre clutched his heart and fell to his knees trying not to scream in agony. Disgust washed over him as he felt Trowa's frantic concern for him. How could Trowa feel anything for him, he was a monster? He promised again and again not to hurt Trowa, and again and again he had. Trowa, he'd failed Trowa again.  
  
Then, just as suddenly as it had opened, the link slammed shut, and Quatre collapsed in relief against Trowa. His head swam with the after effects, and he clung desperately to Trowa, begging silently for forgiveness. Gentle arms encircled him in warmth and safety, and it took everything he had not to push away from the sense of love he didn't deserve.  
  
"Easy Trowa. Quatre's just realized the pain of his words against you. He'd dealing with the backlash from your emotions."  
  
"Quatre," Her voice, once as cold as his, was now warm with genuine desire to help him, "I know it's hard to believe right now, but you didn't do anything wrong. Everyone gets angry; it's ok to get angry with Trowa when you think he's hurt you. It's ok to feel hurt or pain. Trowa still loves you even though you got angry. He's not going to abandon you because you yelled at him. He's right here, and you need him right now; it's alright to need someone, Quatre."  
  
He heard her voice continue but took no notice. All he wanted to do was get away from Trowa before he hurt him again. Then something she was saying brought his attention back to her. "Quatre, Trowa doesn't blame you; he knows you're hurting right now, and he is strong enough to help you through this. You have to believe him, in your love. Listen to your heart Quatre; you and Trowa have worked so hard together to be together. Trowa isn't going to back down now; he and you have invested too much time and energy, too much of yourselves into this to run away. You do deserve his help Quatre; that's what couples do, they help each other. Don't run away; do as you promised. Trowa passed the test, trust him to help you, trust him with yourself."  
  
He felt the gentle touch of her emotions then, kind and full of care. With easy motions he felt the dam across the link lifted just a bit so he could feel Trowa's emotions trickle over his senses. He felt worry and apprehension, but mostly he felt an over powering sense of love and devotion. Trowa, his most precious Trowa, would not leave him. He'd passed the test. He could trust Trowa; he could believe in him.  
  
Slowly, with almost painful movements, Quatre lifted his head and looked into the single visible emerald that stood guardian to Trowa's soul. He lifted his hand, and with a light touch, caressed Trowa's uncovered cheek. "Trowa-I'm sorry I yelled at you. I know you were only trying to help me." He took a deep breath. "Maybe-maybe I'm not as better as I thought I was." Letting the sentence die, Quatre shifted and leaned into Trowa, allowing strong arms to again cradle him close.  
  
"You will get better, Quatre. I'm going to help you. We'll get through this together, I promise."  
  
He nodded his head against Trowa's chest and allowed himself a moment's rest. So much, too much to process in one moment. He'd thought he was better, thought he would be able to handle anything now that Trowa was there to help him. But he couldn't seem to allow the idea that Trowa wouldn't betray him, couldn't grasp the notion that love could conquer trust to become one. He'd given too much of himself away, allowed his family to take everything from him, and now he didn't even know how to let his lover-the man he planned to spend the rest of his life with-even into his real life.  
  
Still clinging to Trowa, Quatre waited for what was to come.  
  
"Quatre, I've completely replaced the block on the link you and Trowa share. Let me help you. You're not strong enough to handle everything right now; I don't think anyone is strong enough to deal with the things you've had to in your short life. I know you want to get better Quatre; I can sense that in everything you do; you want to trust Trowa, to allow him in. I can help you conquer your demons; I can help you help yourself. It isn't going to be easy, but the fact that you want to get better may be enough."  
  
He felt Trowa's arms tighten around him, and he offered the doctor a slight nod of his head in reply.  
  
"Alright then. Trowa, I think you should take Quatre back to your rooms; there isn't anything that a med. team could do for him except administer a sedative, and I doubt Quatre would like to have one more of those. I'll come by tomorrow morning, and we'll begin; is that alright with you, Quatre?"  
  
Again he nodded his head before he felt gentle hands help him up. He leaned desperately against Trowa as they moved as one back to their rooms. Quatre didn't even have enough energy to say goodbye to Duo. 


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 8  
  
"Help! Help us! Please! Help!" Over and over, the words replayed in his mind accompanied by images of a sterile metal room, little color, and nothing to play with. Fear radiated off of every object he saw, and all he wanted to do was scream for help. He saw lab coats hanging on a coat rack and couldn't suppress the mental cry. Those jackets were evil he couldn't protect her-she couldn't protect him-from those bad jackets. A worn blanket rested in the corner of the room, farthest from the door, a small and worn teddy bear lay resting under it, tucked away from the evil that surrounded him and the despair he felt. He wanted out so badly.  
  
"Quatre.time to.up." The voice of his lover cut through the nightmare and pulled him from the dark and scary place he hadn't recognized but feared almost as much as the cockpit of Wing Zero.  
  
With a start, he awoke to the shining green eyes of his Trowa. Desperately needing to be reassured, Quatre flung his arms around Trowa and pulled the taller man to his body.  
  
"Quatre, are you alright?"  
  
"Yes, just a bad dream. I just want to hold you for a moment." Trowa shifted and settled in more comfortably in his embrace.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
Quatre shook his head, "Not now, it's still too real now.maybe later. Right now I just want to hold you close."  
  
"It must have been a very bad dream."  
  
"It was."  
  
Together they lay side by side, both remembering the night before, but neither bringing it up. Quatre had a lot of questions he wanted to ask Trowa, but the weight of the nightmare pressed all thoughts besides keeping Trowa close, away.  
  
After what seemed forever, and only a few moments, Trowa pulled away. "Beloved, it's nearly eight. Corinne will be here in an hour."  
  
Quatre nodded his head before pulling Trowa back to him, "Just a few more minutes Trowa."  
  
"I'm-I'm not going to leave you Quatre."  
  
"I know, that's not what this is about. My dream was so dark, so desolate. There wasn't any happiness there. I felt so alone, but it wasn't me-I'm not sure who I was. I guess I just want to keep you close to me a little while longer."  
  
Trowa pulled away then looked him in the eye, "Quatre, you are going to get better. Corinne thinks that once you can completely trust me, you'll be able to come to me and you won't keep the stress bottled up until it explodes. I'm going to help you. I won't leave you." He leaned down then, and placed a passionate kiss on Quatre's responsive lips. "I love you, Quatre."  
  
"I know Trowa, and hopefully this won't take all that long to convince my silly brain. I feel so horrible that we're talking so lightly about my not even being able to trust you-"  
  
"Don't worry Quatre. Remember, to a certain extent we've already been through this with me."  
  
"Yes, but we didn't need a professional psychiatrist with you. We didn't need to push all our work onto someone else because one of us couldn't even function. We didn't need to deal with empathic abilities or sisters who hate us. I think all in all, I'm just being a big baby abou-"  
  
"No Quatre. You just explained it all. With me the biggest thing we had to deal with was my past, and then maybe Catherine's role in it. But it's different with you. You've got your sisters to worry about, the will to finish, your empathic abilities to figure out, not to mention your father, so of course we'd need more help. But we will work this out Quatre, I promise you that, we will get though this."  
  
"Oh Trowa, I don't know what I'd do without you. You've always been there for me, no matter what; no matter what I threw at you, or even didn't throw, you've always been there for me. I don't know how I'll ever make all of this up to you-"  
  
"You don't have anything to make up. You've told me a hundred times that couples work things out together. You've also said what's mine is yours, that everything that I own you also own and vice-versa. So that goes with ourselves as well. I belong to you, and all my personal hang up as well, and you belong to me, everything, even your sisters."  
  
They laughed, the sound releasing the tension in the room.  
  
"Oh Trowa, I'm so, so sorry then." That started them on another round of laughter that carried them from the bed and into the bathroom to get ready for one of the most trying days of their lives.  
  
* * *  
  
Sitting on the couch, they drank their early morning coffee and tea. Quatre tried not to seem too clingy to Trowa, but he still couldn't shake the feeling from the nightmare. To be so terribly alone and frightened, could that really be how he felt?  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
"Um, I'm sorry Trowa, what did you say?"  
  
"I asked if you wanted to talk about your dream yet?"  
  
Looking out the window, Quatre contemplated changing the subject before he caught himself; if he wanted to allow Trowa in, he had to start somewhere. "If you'd like, it's up to you."  
  
"It's up to you, Quatre. You tell me if you're ready to talk."  
  
Nodding his head, Quatre turned back to his lover, "I'm not sure where I was in the dream, but I kept hearing these voices calling to me they were children's voices, and they kept begging me to help them. The room was very sterile looking, and for some reason I was very cold. I remember seeing some type of lab jacket, but the moment I saw it I got very frightened. Then it was like I was two different people at once, and I knew I couldn't protect myself or the other person. I can't really explain it, but it was just-terrifying. I felt so helpless. All I could think about was trying to get us both out safely, but there wasn't anyone there but me. It's strange, maybe it's nothing."  
  
"Do you think it's somehow related to what's been going on?"  
  
Quatre sighed, "I don't know. It could be, or maybe it's nothing at all."  
  
"Maybe you should talk to Corinne about it."  
  
Quatre ran that thought over in his mind before standing to retrieve another cup of tea. "I don't know Trowa, she'd probably just read too much into it. It was just a stupid nightmare. I don't want to make a big deal about it."  
  
"If it bothers you, then it isn't making a big deal out of it." Trowa paused for a moment before saying, "Thank you for telling me, Quatre."  
  
It broke Quatre's heart to hear his long time love thanking him for something that should have been a given. He wanted to curl up, and at the same time, he wanted to shake Trowa, wanted him to know how much he hated the position he was now in. He decided on the first option.  
  
Setting the teacup down, Quatre moved to Trowa and pushed his arms from his lap. With practiced ease, Quatre settled into Trowa's lap before wrapping his arms about his neck and offering a weak smile. He leaned against Trowa's shoulder and allowed the body of his beloved to comfort him.  
  
For a very long time, all Quatre could remember was Trowa's emotions. They played against his own, in a blended symphony as if the two lovers were playing a duet together. Two emotions became one for Quatre, and he strove to match their feelings no matter what. But now, he could barely feel Trowa around him, and it terrified him; for the only other time in the last five years he had not felt Trowa had been when he'd thought his lover dead by his own hands. Just thinking about it sent shivers down his spine.  
  
"I should have come to you, Trowa, I should never have let this go so far." He snuggled closer, and Trowa tightened his arms more firmly about him.  
  
"There are some things I don't understand yet Quatre, but those will come with time-"  
  
"What don't you understand? Tell me, Trowa, I'll try to explain."  
  
Trowa paused for a moment and weighed his options. After what seemed like an eternity to Quatre he spoke, "Why didn't you tell me your father used to beat you?"  
  
Closing his eyes, Quatre pressed against the sudden brightness coming from the link; it may not be entirely open, but he could still sense strong emotions through it. "I guess I didn't really want to talk about it. It happened so long ago, and I just wanted to forget. It was-" He paused, collecting himself for the admission he'd sworn he'd only give under protest, "Painful Trowa. It hurt more than anything in my entire life. To be an empath and feel his anger, confusion, pain, rage-it all hurt so very much." Long arms wrapped about him more securely, and he snuggled closer, chilled by his own words.  
  
"Did others know?" Trowa's voice was low, trying not to alarm him.  
  
"My sisters, but what could they do? My father was the "Mining King;" it's not as if they could have opposed him, though some tried."  
  
"Cijen?"  
  
Quatre flinched, his muscles tensing at the mention of his once revered sister. There was so much confusion and pain associated with her; he didn't even know where to begin.  
  
Pulling away from a last attempt of Trowa to hold onto him, Quatre walked back to the tea service and leaned against the metal cart. "She was the most stable thing in my life. She gave me more love and affection than I ever hoped to receive from anyone. She taught me my life was worth something, even when others told me it wasn't. I-I loved her best of all." He tensed, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the edge of the server.  
  
"You didn't do anything wrong, Quatre." Trowa's voice sounded so sure, so certain that he was speaking the truth, but Quatre knew better.  
  
Swinging around, Quatre threw his hands into the air, "Didn't I Trowa? Didn't I do this to my family? They trusted in me, believed I'd protect them; that's my job! That's the only reason I was created, to protect them, to provide for them! I've done none of that. Instead I've taken away everything they own; and why? Because I'd rather sleep beside you than any beautiful woman I've ever met! I broke my family from the beginning! I destroyed everything the moment I took my first breath! Cijen and all the rest of my sisters, have every right to hate me, every right to condemn me! I'm just a tool, Trowa, I'm just the thing they created to protect them, but all I've done instead is dishonor and destroy them! I did do something wrong, Trowa, I should have ended it a long time ago, and now I'm stuck!" He wanted to scream some more, wanted to tell Trowa that he was stuck because of him, that he couldn't kill himself because Trowa owned his life-a life for a life, but he couldn't. He didn't have the strength, and the loss of control ate away at him.  
  
Struggling for control, Quatre turned away from the stunned expression on his lover's face. He shook his head to clear away the rage and self-pity. He couldn't show fear; he couldn't. People can hurt you if you show fear.  
  
"I'm sorry Trowa. I-I should never have said any of those things to you. You didn't need to hear them. Just ignore me, I'm feeling sor-"  
  
Strong arms wrapped about his arms, trapping him against the solid body that now stood spooned behind him; he hadn't heard Trowa move.  
  
"It's ok to be angry, Quatre. You shouldn't feel sorry about it. Besides, I asked you, I'm glad you told me how you felt. It means a lot to me."  
  
His frustration was so great. How could he make Trowa understand? How could he explain that telling him anything was more painful than the acts he was describing? He wanted to believe that Trowa could understand, but it just didn't seem possible; they were too different. Quatre was too tainted with.everything.  
  
Pulling away from Trowa again, Quatre made to move back to the couch when the visitor chimes rang across the room. Thinking this the perfect opportunity to leave the conversation where it lay, Quatre moved to the door and entered the pass code.  
  
A cheery eyed Dr. Corinne Namon stood on the other side. He nodded to her in greeting and stepped aside to allow her entrance. Once she was in the room, Quatre closed the lock pass and returned to the couch.  
  
"Please, doctor, have a seat."  
  
"Actually, I'd prefer Corinne, and thank you." She sat then and looked to him, waiting for a response. He didn't offer her one; she was still the enemy, but less of one than Trowa.  
  
Trowa intervened when the silence became too much, "Corinne, thank you for coming-"  
  
"As if we could make her change her mind!" Quatre didn't know when his good morning had suddenly turned so horribly wrong, but he felt openly hostile towards this woman, when only a few hours before he'd willingly agreed to allow safe passage for. He felt like his life was unraveling all around him, and he hated it; hated the people doing it to him; and that scared him more than anything else.  
  
Trowa looked shocked at his outburst, but Corinne brushed it off, "You're right, you couldn't have stopped me. It is what I get paid to do, isn't it?" A statement, not a question.  
  
Quatre turned to her then, addressing her with cool contempt, "I suppose it is. Let's start, shall we? The sooner we begin, the sooner it's finished." Trowa looked shocked again by the uncharacteristic display of hostility.  
  
"Don't worry, Trowa. I'm not offended; it's just Quatre's way of protecting himself."  
  
It wasn't much of a sentence, and he thought she'd meant it to provoke him. Instead, Quatre stood immediately and crossed to Trowa. True sorrow shone in his eyes, "I'm sorry Trowa, I shouldn't behave like that. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed by me. Please don't be angry." If Trowa were angry, he might leave. Everyone he loved learned his secrets, got angry, and left him, throwing him to the wolves in the process. He had to make sure Trowa didn't get angry with him now; it was too soon, too soon to tell.  
  
"It's alright Quatre, I'm not angry. But Corinne is here to help you, to help us. She may seem like your enemy right now, but she isn't. Please say you'll try to let her help you, please?" He would never refuse him anything he asked for, not ever.  
  
"Of course I will, Trowa. I'm still grumpy, that's all. I'll be fine, and Corinne and I will get along fine. You're right though, I'll do my best to be a good boy." He smiled, hoping to ease the tension in Trowa's demeanor. It worked. His lover let loose the frustration-tensed muscles and gave him a genuine smile.  
  
"Wonderful. If Quatre's done lying to himself now, may we get started?" Quatre turned appalled eyes on the doctor. How dare she accuse him of lying! She barely knew him! He had every intention of telling her to get the hell out of their apartment, but Trowa beat him to it-well, sort of.  
  
"What do you mean, 'lying to himself'?"  
  
She adjusted herself in her seat, and Quatre felt Trowa's presence as the only thing keeping him from throwing the obnoxious woman out on her ass. "He's, quite frankly, playing up to what you want to hear. He has no intention of us getting along well at all, and he's far from grumpy; more like terrified and confused. But that's to be expected. I was only bringing attention to it."  
  
"Well don't!" He said it before he thought, and suddenly he realized that everything she'd said had been true. Looking quickly away from the doctor, Quatre moved over to the service for his cup of tea.  
  
"That's the nature of my job, Quatre. But you're right, we should get started. It's up to you how you want this to go; do you want Trowa to stay throughout the session, or would you rather he left? The choice is yours, and only yours to make."  
  
Another test, and Quatre took it as being such. To allow Trowa into his pain, which would surely hurt them both, or keep Trowa away, which would hurt Trowa. A choice that had no good answer, like all the other choices in his life. To live or die. To fight or be killed. To make a child or destroy his soul. Too many choices, too many wrong answers. Too much pain.  
  
"Quatre, this isn't meant to hurt you. You have to make the decision based on what you want. Try not to think about what Trowa or I would want you to say, just answer how you want. If you'd like, tell me which one would cause you the least amount of pain."  
  
So simple, so easy, but nothing was easy; everything hurt someone. Every decision had another that had not been chosen; every choice had consequences. His head hurt thinking about it. "It doesn't matter; what ever Trowa wants to do."  
  
Wrong answer.  
  
"Quatre, it isn't about what I want, it's about what you want. I won't be angry if you'd like me to go-"  
  
"Don't give me that! Of course you'll be angry! Why shouldn't you be? What kind of a man am I? I can't even make one pathetic decision!?" He was so angry, so scared. He could lose everything at the drop of a hat, and he didn't know how to stop it. He just wanted someone to answer for him, make the choice, so he could blame someone else for it.  
  
"Quatre, I won't be angry, and you are a very strong and loving man. The kindest man I've ever known. You have to believe that, believe that I believe that." Trowa's words sat on the rim of his mind, not sinking in. He didn't know, didn't understand, hadn't had to make the choice. Too many decisions, someone always got angry, always. Someone always got hurt.hurt.someone.himself.  
  
"It's alright, Quatre. We'll do this: Trowa will leave for this session, and you and I will get to know each other better." She'd answered for him, Trowa couldn't be angry with him if she'd answered for him, could he? "Trowa, why don't you go ahead? Quatre and I will just talk for a while."  
  
Quatre saw Trowa shake his head. "Trowa, don't worry. I won't be able to say that much anyway. How much could I tell her in an hour? I'll tell you everything when you get home, ok?"  
  
"Actually it's going to be more than an hour." Quatre turned stunned eyes on her. "I've read from your records off the L4 colony your family resides on that you've met with other empathic psychiatrist before, correct?" He gave her a weak nod, dread filling him. "Most empaths can't be with patients for longer than an hour before they start to burn out from the emotional stress." She gave them a cheeky wink, "They don't call me the best for nothing. We'll probably be at this all day, but we'll take a break for lunch."  
  
Quatre was stunned. None of the other empaths he'd seen had ever been able to stand him for very long. Another thing his father accused him of: sabotaging the sessions that were suppose to cure him of his "unnatural tendencies."  
  
It was Trowa that pulled him from the thoughts of his past. "Quatre, why don't I come and get you around noon, and we'll have lunch together? That way, if you want to talk, we can do it then; or if you want, we can just have lunch together." Choices, more and more choices. Would they ever stop?  
  
"Ok, Trowa, that sounds fine. I'll.well, I guess I'll see you then." What to say, how to say it? One more wrong answer, one more betrayal. Why did it hurt so bad to think that Trowa would leave him? Why did it hurt so bad thinking he'd stay?  
  
Trowa moved over to him and took his hand. Pulling him over to the couch, he sat him down, and then leaned over to deliver a chaste kiss to his lips. "I'll see you for lunch, Quatre." Then as a side note, he added "Be nice." Trowa winked at him in a very un-Trowa like fashion that had a smile on Quatres lips both from that and his sweet kiss.  
  
Then they were alone, himself and his jailer. She sat very calmly and looked at him, not saying a word. He looked from her to his tea and back again. If she wanted answers, she would have to ask the questions herself; he wasn't telling her a thing she could use to poison Trowa's mind, to take him away from him.  
  
For a long time, they said nothing, and Quatre continued to sip his tea. He thought of his impressions of her, and all he came up with were negatives. He knew she wasn't a terrible person, but he couldn't accept the idea that she wanted to help him; no one wanted to help him.  
  
"How long have you and Trowa lived together?" It started. The question wasn't intrusive; he decided to answer.  
  
"Almost three years."  
  
"That's a long time." He nodded, not knowing where this was heading.  
  
"Why Trowa? How come you wanted to be with him instead of another." More personal, too personal-he shrugged in answer.  
  
"Was it the way he looked or the things he said?" She was digging, and he hated it; but Trowa expected them to work together. He would just tell her what she wanted to hear, then it would be over, and he could concentrate on salvaging his relationship with Trowa.  
  
"I don't know what it was, I just knew. From the moment we met, I knew I wanted to get to know him better." A noncommittal answer. Good.  
  
"Do you think Trowa wanted to be with you the first time he met you?"  
  
"No." The answer stung him; he wasn't sure why he answered the question.  
  
"Why do you say that?"  
  
He didn't want to talk anymore; it was too close to the truth. "Trowa just didn't feel that way the first time we met. Not everyone believes in love at first sight."  
  
"Is that what you thought? The first time you saw him, did you know you loved him?"  
  
His stomach tightened, "No, I just wanted to get to know him better."  
  
She nodded her head and reached for a notepad he hadn't seen her carrying. She jotted a few things down and then looked up to him.  
  
"Why don't you tell me a little about Trowa? You can talk about anything you'd like. Whatever you want me to know." She gave him a real smile, but he didn't return it. "I'd rather you didn't know anything."  
  
"That's a fair answer, but not the one I'm looking for. Try again." She wasn't cruel; she just wasn't going to take any of his crap.  
  
"He worked in a circus." Good answer; it says nothing at all.  
  
"The circus? That's incredible. Did you ever see him perform?" Innocent question, he could answer.  
  
"Once-we went together. He's very good."  
  
"What does he do in the circus?"  
  
"He's a clown, and also he works with the lions. He loves the lions." Wait! Too much information; he should have left it alone.  
  
"Is he a lion trainer?" She'd missed it.  
  
"In a way, he did train them, but he didn't do all the training. They love him." Too much! What was he doing!?  
  
She didn't notice, "I think Trowa told me that his sister works in a circus. Did they work together?"  
  
"Yes. He and Catherine have worked in the same circus for a long time."  
  
"How long?"  
  
"Since before the war. They love each other." Huh? What was going on? He hadn't meant to say that!  
  
"Is she older or younger than he is?"  
  
"Older, by a few years."  
  
"So I guess she took care of him while they worked in the circus together."  
  
"She's not his real sister." Hostility laced his voice, and he tensed up.  
  
"But she did take care of him?"  
  
"Not very well." What?! Of course she had. Catherine had done everything she could for Trowa. What was going on? It was like his mouth wasn't speaking to his brain at all.  
  
"Does she love him?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Does he love her?"  
  
"They're not really brother and sister." But weren't they in Trowa's eyes? Isn't that all that mattered? But it wasn't. Catherine wasn't Trowa's real sister; he didn't know the pain of a real sister.  
  
"Does it make you angry that Catherine took care of Trowa when he was younger?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Does it make you angry that Trowa loves Catherine?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Does it make you angry that the lions love Trowa?"  
  
"No, why should it? They're just animals."  
  
"Tell me why it frightens you so much that Catherine took care of Trowa, and that they love each other as brother and sister?"  
  
"It doesn't. I'm glad that Trowa has someone to go to; someone who took care of him."  
  
"But that was a long time ago, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"She's not allowed to take care of him now, right?"  
  
"Right."  
  
"Whose job is that?"  
  
"Mine." No emotion, no love or tenderness in his voice, like it was a job he was forced to undertake. He tried to think back on the conversation but found he got lost in the questions and answers. He allowed the doctor to scribble something on her pad. What did it matter anyway? He couldn't stop her.  
  
"You know Quatre, it's natural for people to get angry or scared when others try to take something from them. It's natural to fear them; it doesn't make you a bad person. There are a lot of really bad people out there who deserve to be punished, but then there are a lot of good people who think they should be punished. Do you think you should be punished?"  
  
No hesitation. "Yes."  
  
"For what?"  
  
He didn't speak; the list would take all day and all night. It wasn't worth getting into; he didn't like the question.  
  
"Do you think you're a bad person?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
He didn't speak; what was the point? Too much time-he and Trowa would never get to lunch if he answered.  
  
"Did someone ever tell you, you were a bad person? Did Trowa ever say that?"  
  
"No! Trowa would never say anything like that, not ever!" How could she even ask a question like that? Trowa loved him! He'd never say something so terrible; he wasn't anything like-  
  
"Did your father?"  
  
Silence. Then "I don't want to talk about my father."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't have anything to say about him."  
  
"All right. We don't have to talk about things that you don't want to. But I'd like you to make a choice for me, a decision. You decide, who would you rather talk about, your father, or Cijen?"  
  
It was like a slap in the face. How could he decide? He didn't want to talk about either, but she'd said to make a choice. Again, another decision. Who was worse-who's betrayal hurt more? Did one hurt more than the other?  
  
"My father." Yes it did.  
  
"Do you have a picture of him?"  
  
He was startled by the question, hadn't anticipated it. He nodded and stood. Moving over to the desk, he picked up a framed photograph of himself as a very young child, hanging on the arm of his father; they both wore smiles. After handing her the frame, he took his seat.  
  
She studied it for a long time, even turning the frame for different angles. Finally she asked, "How old were you when this was taken?"  
  
"Six."  
  
"You seem happy in this photograph. Do you remember when it was taken?" He nodded his head. "Do you remember being happy?" Again he nodded. "Why were you happy in this picture?"  
  
He took the picture back and studied his once small face, so happy and light. "We'd gone to the zoo on L3. This was taken after he showed me the camels. I guessI liked them."  
  
"You liked the camels, that's why you're smiling in this picture?"  
  
He nodded his head yes, and then changed his mind and shook it no.  
  
"What do you mean, Quatre?"  
  
"I was happy to see the camels, but that's not why I was smiling."  
  
"Then why were you smiling?"  
  
"He.he let me hold his hand. When we went inside, I'd gotten scared; there were too many noises. He'd taken my hand so I wouldn't be afraid." He dropped his eyes, not making eye contact. He'd never told anyone that before.  
  
"Your father didn't hold your hand a lot, did he?" He shook his head. "Did that make you sad, when he didn't want to touch you?"  
  
"It did then. It doesn't now." His eyes shot to hers, had she caught it; his admission? Would she call him on it? God, how could he have been so stupid?! She could ruin everything.  
  
"Did he often hold your sisters' hands?"  
  
Relief washed over him; she'd missed it. "Yes, he usually had one on each arm. He adored them."  
  
"And you, right? You were his only son. He adored you too, didn't he?"  
  
"Once."  
  
"How about before he died?"  
  
Angry eyes shot glaring looks at her. She'd crossed the line. "My father loved twenty-nine daughters. There's only so much love a man can have." His answer was cold and unfeeling. He wanted to protest it, say it wasn't true; he'd wanted to so many times, but it was true, he had to live with that.  
  
"Do you think he hated you?"  
  
"Eventually."  
  
"But he loved his other children, his daughters?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Do you think he hated you because you were a boy?"  
  
He laughed, a deep laugh that held no merriment in it whatsoever. It was a dead sound, like crackling leaves in August. No life left.  
  
"He didn't hate me because I was a boy-he hated me because I was a girl."  
  
She looked perplexed for a moment, and that started Quatre laughing all over again. He wanted to stop; he would have rather been crying. Show no fear, and no fear will come to you.  
  
"Can you explain that a little better, Quatre? You look male to me."  
  
His laughter died out, and in its place was a look of death, directed toward the woman across from him. "I thought you said you'd read my journals?"  
  
"I have, but you can't get any emotion from a piece of paper. Writing is a great outlet, but it only works for the writer, and it hasn't worked for you in a long time. I need to hear you explain things, and tell me things that you never wrote down." She paused, "Why? Do you think I should know the answer to my question from your journals?"  
  
"Of course! I only wrote about how my father despised me from almost the first one!"  
  
"Oh I read that you think your father hated you. I understand that. I also understand that it was because he thought you preferred the company of males rather than females. But what makes you think he knew your preferences when you were only six?"  
  
"My father knew everything; he was God." The words were spoken quietly, with a hint of revered fear.  
  
"Did he scare you?"  
  
The answer came easily: "He terrified me."  
  
"Did he terrify you when you were six?"  
  
"He has always terrified me."  
  
"When was the first time he beat you, for anything?"  
  
Quatre looked up, staring into the doctors' eyes. He shouldn't tell her anything; he'd already said too much, said more than he should have.  
  
"It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."  
  
"Did he ever beat your sisters?"  
  
"NO!" He practically screamed; how could she think that? "My father loved my sisters very much! He never raised a hand against them. He loved them more than anything in the universe."  
  
"So would you call him a violent man?"  
  
"No, he was a very good, kind man. He did everything he could to promote peace and unity in the colonies. He took care of his people, those who worked for him and those who just lived on his satellites. Everyone loved him, treated him with due respect. He was a very good man."  
  
"If that's true, then why did he beat you? Why did he hurt you so many times?"  
  
"I was bad, evil. I had to be punished."  
  
"Why? Because you were a boy?"  
  
He looked at her then. He wanted to cry, wanted to let the tears fall. But weakness could get you killed in battle, he had to stay strong.  
  
"I went against the laws of nature. I defied the Books. I shamed him at every turn. If he thought there was a quiet way to get rid of me, he would have. But he couldn't; too many people knew my face, knew I was the next heir. So he decided.he decided.he'd change me."  
  
"Change you?"  
  
"The beatings. He never hurt me for any other reason-only when he was trying to change me, punish me for making the wrong decision. He only beat me to help me."  
  
"Do you believe that, Quatre? Do you believe that he only hit you to make you change? So that you'd desire a woman instead of a man?"  
  
"Yes." Dull, no heart, no feeling. Only the constant pressure of knowing he was nothing.  
  
"Did anyone ever try to stop him from hitting you, or hurting you?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"My sisters." No. One sister-his most beloved sister.  
  
"Your sisters must have been very strong to stand up to your father. You must have loved them very much."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did they know why your father was hurting you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did they all want him to stop? Did they all try to protect you from him changing you?"  
  
"No." It was true, so terribly true. It sounded so awful to his own ears.  
  
Betrayal.  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Some of them thought it was a good idea.that he change me."  
  
"But some of your sisters protected you, right?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"You must have loved them very much. Been very grateful they braved your father to take care of you. They nearly sacrificed everything they had to protect you. That must have been very wonderful, hmm?  
  
"Yes. I could trust them."  
  
"Because they were willing to give up everything to protect you? They wouldn't have anywhere else to go but to you? They loved you enough to save you from everything?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Even yourself?"  
  
"Yes." Unconditional love. He knew what it was; he thought he'd had it, remembered the safe feeling that accompanied it. But that was months ago; he hadn't felt it in a very long time.  
  
"Did you have a favorite sister? One that you related to the best?"  
  
"Cijen. She used to dance and let me watch her. Sometimes, I'd play the music and watch her dance for hours. She's a dancer with a very large company. She's a wonderful ballerina."  
  
"That sounds like it was a lot of fun. It must have been very beautiful to watch her dance."  
  
"Yes, she is very graceful. When I was little, I used to think she walked on air; she was so graceful."  
  
"She's older than you are. How much older?"  
  
"Nine years, she's only twenty-eight."  
  
"Did she live at home while you did?"  
  
"Part of the time, she spent the rest at the dance academy. She studied on Earth."  
  
"Was Cijen at the academy when your father first locked you in that room?"  
  
Alone, nowhere to go, now way out. "Yes."  
  
"How did she hear that your father had you locked up? Did he tell her?"  
  
"No. Seeafa, my other sister who was living at home at the time, called her. The shuttle couldn't get her home to me faster than the two weeks."  
  
"So as soon as she got home, she got you out of that room, right?" He nodded, not trusting his voice. "That must have made you happy, to have your sister back, and to be out of that room?" He nodded again. "You must be really sad now then, hmm?"  
  
Confused, he looked to her for explanation; he didn't understand the question. "What do you mean?"  
  
She thought for a moment, then said "It must be hard to know that you loved her so much, gave her all the trust you possessed, and relied on her so much, only to have her betray you so completely now."  
  
He leaned back into the couch, defeated. She'd won, found his weakness and was taunting him with it. He felt himself sinking into despair. How could he ever protect everyone if he couldn't even keep this one woman from unraveling all that he'd worked so hard to contain? In so little time, she rifled through him like he was nothing more than an old toy box, searching for the things she wanted, discarding those she didn't. She'd picked him clean and left only his bones when she'd finished, and he couldn't stop her, didn't have the strength to try.  
  
"It isn't her fault. I'm the one who hurt her first. I'm the one who betrayed her first. She had every right to hate me."  
  
"How? How did you betray her first?"  
  
"I took Trowa to the party before I introduced him to her. I didn't let her know; she wasn't prepared. I should have introduced them first. If I had, I wouldn't have betrayed her, and she would have known and been happy for me. She would have been happy for me." His voice dropped to a whisper and he rubbed his hands over his face.  
  
"So you think that if you'd introduced Trowa to Cijen before the party, she wouldn't have been so surprised and felt like you didn't love her enough to make the introduction in advance."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"If you'd introduced them, Cijen wouldn't have betrayed you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What if that isn't true? What if she would have betrayed you anyway?"  
  
Anger flashed through him; he sat up and glared at her, "Cijen would never have betrayed me if I hadn't betrayed her first! She loved me more than any of our other sisters. I was her favorite, and she was mine. We would have done anything for each other! Anything!"  
  
"But what if-"  
  
"There aren't any 'what ifs'! I broke it! I'm responsible for it! She's my responsibility; they all are! I'm supposed to take care of them, no matter what, and I haven't! They have every reason to betray me, every reason to hate me to my very soul! I've done just as Father said I would-"  
  
"What's that Quatre? What did your father say you'd do?"  
  
"He said I'd bring the family to disgrace, that I'd bring the family down with me. That I'd destroy them all, and I have.I have." It hurt so much, hurt so very much.  
  
"How are you destroying your family? How are you doing that?"  
  
"I'm not following the Will. My family will lose everything because I'm so weak."  
  
"What do you mean, weak? How are you weak, Quatre?"  
  
He paused, knowing he'd been caught in a trap of his own making. He'd woven the truth into a beautiful web, and now he was trapped in it. She wanted an answer, would take that answer to Trowa later, would shove his response back in his face at a later date, to make a point. All psychiatrists did that, all people did that.  
  
But there wasn't any more room to struggle; he tried, tried to find a way out of the question, tried to run from it. But again there was no way out, nothing but solid walls he'd made himself, brick by ugly truthful brick. Eventually though, they'd all come crashing down, and hopefully they'd crush him to death; at least then, it'd be over.  
  
"I won't have a child. I refused. Even to save my family, even to protect them, I won't produce a child."  
  
"And you think that makes you weak?"  
  
"Yes.it does."  
  
"Why won't you have a child? Do you think you're too young to be a good father?"  
  
He laughed, and like all the other laughs it was far from jovial.  
  
"There are a million reasons I don't want to have a child, but my age is not one of them."  
  
"Then what are the reasons? Do you just not want to be a father? Do you not want to have children?"  
  
"Not want to have a child? No, I'd love to have a child, love to be a father some day. I-I like to think-I might be a good father."  
  
"Then why?"  
  
"There are only three ways to have a child, aren't there?" She nodded. "One is though genetics, the other is through implantation, and the last is through intercourse. None are acceptable to me."  
  
"Why? Tell me why genetics isn't acceptable?"  
  
"I will not make a child!" His voice was angry, and he nearly shook from the pent-up rage and frustration he felt.  
  
"Make a child? I guess that's an accurate way to explain it. But aren't you yourself a genetic?"  
  
"My point exactly."  
  
"So you don't want a child genetically, but you haven't told me why yet."  
  
He looked to her. She sat straight and tall, proud almost. Her hair was down, falling around her shoulders, making her look younger, more attractive. She wore casual clothes that weren't too formal and weren't too comfortable. Corinne-that's what she preferred to be called, not Dr. Namon. He'd oblige.  
  
"Corinne?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do you have any idea what it's like to know that you were created? Not out of love, or even to save love-like as in a marriage that's falling apart-but because an old man needed a son to carry his name and protect his daughters? Have you any conceivable notion what it's like to know you were created for a purpose-not a noble purpose, but a purpose none the less?"  
  
"No, I don't."  
  
"Be grateful."  
  
"So that's how you feel?"  
  
"No, that's what it is. I've been told enough times. I know my place, have known it for a long, long time." He paused then, deciding how best to explain. "I don't ever want a child of my body to know that I created him or her to save a fortune. I will never allow a child to feel the same way I felt. Never. No matter what I have to sacrifice. Never."  
  
A sad look entered her eyes, and she wrote more on the pad in her lap. She was an empath; she understood his emotions; she didn't need to ask for them.  
  
"What about another option? What about implantation?"  
  
"It's the same thing. I'd be creating a child for the same purpose. It's always the same purpose, save a fortune, save my sisters, the same. Only with this one, there would be a woman involved. I'd be responsible for her as well. Or what if she didn't want me to see the baby, or even have custody? What would I do then? How would I survive? No, there are too many complications, too many ways it could go wrong."  
  
"Too many choices?"  
  
He looked startled for a minute before nodding. "Too many choices."  
  
"I suppose that's why intercourse is as equally terrible."  
  
"No, intercourse is infinitely worse than the other two."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"Why? I'd think it would be obvious. Trowa. I could never betray him like that, would never even consider it. Once, before we were together, I considered a bed of convenience, but once we were together, I swore I'd never be with another. I owe him my.everything. I will never, ever betray him with anyone! Not ever."  
  
"That's why no marriage of convenience either, correct? You couldn't betray Trowa even for public appearance?"  
  
He nodded.  
  
"It must be hard for you to have no way out."  
  
He didn't answer; he didn't have too. They both already knew it.  
  
For what seemed like a moment, Quatre felt light-headed, and he closed his eyes to calm the dizziness. Then a sudden sound forced his eyes open, and he saw Corinne slumped in the chair across from him, her head bowed, resting in one upturned hand.  
  
A swooshing told him that the sound he'd heard earlier had been someone entering the pass code into the door. He turned his head in time to see Trowa pass through before walking towards him, a concerned look on his face.  
  
"Quatre, are you alright?"  
  
Surprisingly, he felt very good, very good indeed. It was as if the last hour of remembrances had been eased from his mind.  
  
"I'm fine, in fact, I feel great. But what are you doing here, Trowa? I thought you weren't going to come back until lunch time?"  
  
Confusion passed over Trowa's face, "It is lunch time."  
  
Then it was Quatre's turn to be confused. "It can't be, you only left about an hour ago. It's barely ten o'clock."  
  
Trowa looked over at Corinne who was now sitting up; she looked a little ragged around the edges, but for the most part seemed herself. She gave Trowa a weak smile. "I think that Quatre has just lost the time. It's true, Quatre, it's nearly noon. Why don't you and Trowa go have lunch, and we'll meet back here at, say, two? Does that sound all right to you?"  
  
Still a little concerned at his time loss, he nodded his head and stood up. He looked to Trowa, "I'm going to go change really fast. I'll be right back." Trowa nodded, and he went into the bedroom in search of something comfortable to wear for lunch. He was really hungry all of a sudden. 


	11. Chapter 10

* * *  
  
"What happened?" Trowa's voice held concern with a touch of fear.  
  
"Shhhh, don't feel so much Trowa, you're giving me a splitting headache." Worried, he moved to her side. She smiled up at him, a weak smile but a genuine one. "Quatre's right. We talked for about an hour and a half. As far as he's concerned, we only talked that much; he won't remember the rest of the time."  
  
"Won't remember, what do you mean?" Anger suffused him; what had this woman done to his partner?  
  
She grunted in pain, "Mmmm, Trowa, I told you to stop that. While we were talking Quatre's emotions built to monstrous levels. I don't want to talk about it right now; I need time to process all that I've learned, but he was in so much pain, that I shut him down."  
  
"What does that mean, shut him down? What did you do to him?"  
  
"I didn't hurt him; in fact, he probably hasn't felt as good as he does right now in a long time. Think of it as cleaning house-dusting. I dusted all the left over emotions from him. Now understand that the room is still a complete disaster, but I did the surface dusting. I shifted some of his emotions to other places. I can't do that unless he's willing; his mind has to accept the change. But I told you already, Quatre wants to get better. He's resisting on a conscious level, but not on an unconscious one. He allowed the cleaning. No more excess worry or concern. Dusting, but the room is still a mess. Do you understand?"  
  
Thinking about it for a moment he nodded his head, "He talked with you?"  
  
She smiled, "I gave him a suggestion-just a small one, and he talked. His mind wants me to help him, but he's afraid. The little suggestion I gave him was all his mind needed to fight and win. We talked, but we have a lot more left to do. You should sit on the couch and wait for him; he doesn't trust me completely yet, and if he thinks I'm conspiring with you to hurt him, he'll fight me harder next time-and you as well."  
  
Trowa moved to the couch as he asked, "He thinks I'm conspiring against him, to hurt him?"  
  
"Not exactly, and at the same time yes. He knows you wouldn't do such a thing, but he's fighting himself to believe it. There just isn't any reason to make him worry."  
  
He nodded, and a few seconds later, Quatre came out of their bedroom in one of Trowa's old turtleneck sweaters. Quatre didn't do it often, but he loved to wear Trowa's clothes, he said they smelled of him. Comfort.  
  
"Ok, I'm ready, let's go eat some food. I didn't realize it until I got into the closet, but I'm starving." His smile was wide, reaching his eyes, and Trowa couldn't help but reciprocate it.  
  
"All right. It's a nice day; I thought we'd eat outside in the gardens."  
  
"Oh Trowa, that would be great! I haven't been there in a long time; we haven't been there in a long time either."  
  
"Duo, Heero and Wufei are going to meet us in a little while. We'll grab some sandwiches and head out."  
  
"That sounds great." Quatre walked over and pulled him off the couch, linking arms with him. "Corinne," he regarded the woman in the chair, "I'll see you at two, ok?" She nodded, and together, arm in arm, they left the room.  
  
"How did the session go?"  
  
Quatre smiled at Trowa, "Oh I think it went alright. Corinne looked a little tired, but that's what happened to my other psychiatrists, too."  
  
"Did you have a lot of psychiatrists as a child?"  
  
"Um? Oh yes, tons. Let's hurry; I'm really, really hungry, Trowa. I'm surprised you can't hear my stomach growling."  
  
Without hesitation, Quatre had just told him something important. It may have seemed so little, but after being deprived so long of anything related to his little love, he was willing to thank the heavens for any such miracle.  
  
Unlinking their arms, Trowa brought his arm around Quatre's shoulders and drew the smaller boy towards him. "I did hear it growling; I was trying to be polite."  
  
Quatre moved an arm around his waist and laughed. "Thanks."  
  
The mess hall was in full business mode when they arrived. Standing in line, Quatre struck up a conversation with one of the soldiers from Duo's squadron.  
  
"Yes sir, quite as the night sky in June. It's nice of the bad guys to give us a vacation."  
  
"It is helpful when they're so considerate, isn't it?"  
  
They laughed; it was a very good sound.  
  
Together they ordered a mountain of food, which Quatre promised the cooks he'd eat, and then together they walked to the gardens.  
  
When the base had first been built, there hadn't been much in the way of flowers or anything pretty for that matter. But as the pilots began to have more and more lag time between flights, they'd gotten the idea in their heads to create instead of destroy, hence a garden. Quatre had arranged for all the equipment to be brought in, and Duo, who had unlimited experience doing anything labor intensive, manned it. As a group, they cultivated over five acres of land into a beautiful display of flowers and living things. The base saw how loved the garden soon became and provided it with a fully functional gardener, but even then, no one forgot who had built it with literally blood, sweat, and tears. For many of them, especially Wufei, it had been a cleansing experience.  
  
They picked a spot sheltered by a wide ring of rose bushes and set up a blanket that Trowa had wisely grabbed before leaving their rooms. When everything was laid out before them, Trowa settled down and drew Quatre beside him.  
  
"We should eat before the others get here; Duo won't save you anything."  
  
"He's not that bad." Pausing, Quatre thought about it. "Well, ok, maybe he is."  
  
Laughing, they settled against one another and began to eat.  
  
"Is there a lot of work to be done at headquarters?"  
  
"Not really. I'm handling most of the reports that come in. Wufei did an excellent job of holding everything down."  
  
"I'll have to thank him when he gets here. I appreciate all the help he's been." Trowa was certain he hadn't heard any guilt in his voice-no feelings of unworthiness. Hoping it wasn't Quatre doing another form of blocking or just hiding his real emotions, he took it at face value.  
  
"Would you like to know a secret, Quatre?" He looked down at his lover, knowing that while Quatre was no gossip, he loved a good secret like anyone else.  
  
"A secret?" Quatre leaned in very close to him, "Ok, what's the secret?"  
  
Trowa smiled, and closed the distance between them, laying a sweet kiss on Quatre's nose. "You're so cute, Quatre." His lover beamed at him, and he continued, "The secret is that Wufei has been seen flipping through a gem catalogue. I caught him this morning when he didn't know I was arriving."  
  
Quatre's eyes lit up with dawning understanding, "Trowa, you don't think he's finally going to ask her, do you?"  
  
Trowa shrugged his shoulders. "I'm not sure, but I thought I'd give you something to tell Duo."  
  
Suddenly deceptively strong arms wrapped about his middle, and Quatre pressed himself into Trowa's stomach. "This is so wonderful, Trowa! You're so good to me. Now I'll have something to tell Duo even though I haven't been out in a while. Thank you so much!" His blond lover gave him a tight squeeze before swinging his body around and laying his head in Trowa's lap.  
  
Trowa ran his fingers through spun gold locks. "Anything for you Quatre. I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Trowa. That's why I'm going to get better, so we can say that all the time and mean it without worry."  
  
Again, said without the usual sounds of force in his voice, as if Quatre meant every word he said and had said it freely. Bending down, Trowa delivered a kiss to Quatre's upturned face.  
  
A sudden look came over Quatre, and Trowa looked on in concern as his partner turned away from him. A haunted look was in his eyes as Quatre gazed over to the rose bush across from them. "Trowa?"  
  
"Yes, Quatre."  
  
"I lied to you, a very long time ago.I want to apologize."  
  
"Apologize?"  
  
He nodded his head. Taking a deep breath, Quatre continued, the words meaning more to Trowa than the lie ever did. "A long time ago, you told me your childhood had been non-existent. I told you we could share mine, do you remember?" He nodded. "I don't think it would be such a good idea if we shared mine, Trowa. I didn't have much of a childhood either."  
  
It was too much to hope for, and yet Corinne had said that Quatre wanted to get better, that it would be faster because he wanted it so much. With gentle hands, Trowa urged Quatre to sit up and look at him.  
  
"You don't have to apologize, Quatre. I understand. I'll always understand; anything you ever want to tell me, I may be sad, or sometime even angry, but I won't stay that way. I will, however, stay with you always. I live and love because of you, Quatre. You gave me everything I needed to do all that I've done. I want you to know that I'm going to give you what you need as well.  
  
"Don't worry about sharing your childhood with me. We'll make new childhoods together, you and I. We'll be each other's childhoods, and when the time comes, we'll share them with children of our own. You'll see."  
  
Quatre gave him a weak smile and nodded his head.  
  
"Good. Now lie back down; I'm not done playing with your hair yet." The smile outshone the sun in the sky. Quatre lay back down and waited patiently as Trowa worked his fingers gently through his hair.  
  
"Kisamia! Do you two ever stop?! You're as bad as these two!" Wufei rounded the rose bushes and approached them; behind him walking hand in hand, were Heero and Duo.  
  
Out of the blue, Trowa leaned down and kissed Quatre passionately on the lips. The kiss lasted long enough for Duo to whoop and the lot of newcomers to plant themselves on the wide blanket. When Trowa released them, Quatre was gasping for breath, and Duo was clapping like a madman.  
  
"Trowa, that was a ten, man, a real ten. The judges have spoken!" Heero offered a smile before reaching for a sandwich and shoving it forcefully into Duo's mouth.  
  
"Shhh, you said you were hungry, now eat."  
  
"Heero! I'm rooting for the home team!"  
  
"Fine, do it quietly."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Duo." His voice held a note of mock violence.  
  
"If I'm quiet, will you promise to put something better in my mouth when we get home?"  
  
Heero blanched visibly before he gave a wide smile and a hearty laugh.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes." Duo smiled, and looked down at Quatre, who hadn't moved from his position in Trowa's lap. "You look mighty comfortable; mind if I copy?"  
  
Quatre smiled-it was good to be outside with his friends again, "Go ahead, I don't mind."  
  
With the ok from Quatre, Duo swung around and dropped his head right into Heero's lap-only something wasn't right.  
  
"Maxwell! For the love of-show some discretion."  
  
"What are you talking about?" His voice was slightly muffled, having to bounce off Heero's stomach to be heard.  
  
"Maxwell! Turn and face the other way."  
  
"Heero, am I bothering you?"  
  
"Nope. I think it's fine."  
  
"See Wufei, I'm not bothering Heero, and it's his beautifully, tight, jean clad-"  
  
"I'm going to kill you!"  
  
"Hey!" Duo sat up, pretending to glare at Wufei, "How'd you know me and Heero's safety word?!"  
  
Wufei reddened, and the group of boys laughed, happy to be together, happy to be alive to enjoy it.  
  
Quatre saved Wufei any further humiliation. "Thank you all for having lunch with us. Plus it's great that we could all eat outside."  
  
"No kidding; it's a really nice day out here. Who's for skipping the rest of work and cloud watching?" Duo gazed up at the clouds, smiling.  
  
"As if you work when you're there anyway." Wufei, smiled, knowing he meant no harm by his remark.  
  
"OH come on, Wu-man! All work and no play makes me Chang Wufei!" He pretended to shiver, then his voice turned into a childlike plea of mock fear. "Heero, I don't want to be a Chang Wufei."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll protect you."  
  
"You will? How?"  
  
"I'll tell Sally, Wufei threatened you, and she'll make him clean bed pans for a week." Wufei blanched, and the lot of them shook with laughter. Times like these made the war worthwhile, almost.  
  
When they'd settled down after a few more rounds between Wufei and Duo-who was still undefeated-Quatre sat up and looked at Wufei.  
  
"I wanted to thank you for handling my case load for me while I've.been working some things out. I promise to make it up to you."  
  
"Stop! Don't say another word. Don't thank me for doing the honorable thing; it isn't honorable if you do." A smile entered his eyes. "Besides, Sally likes me honorable."  
  
Again they laughed, and again they joked for awhile. Trowa felt Quatre ease back into the group. They'd all been so worried about him lately that most had taken to spending little time together, missing the sense of togetherness when Quatre wasn't there. Now they seemed complete again, like old times, times before Wills, and sisters without feeling.  
  
"Sir? Mr. Winner?" A soldier carrying a vid-com entered the clearing hesitantly, sorry he'd had to break up the laughter he'd heard.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Sir, there's a com for you; it's coded urgent."  
  
Quatre reached out for the unit without hesitation, but Trowa intercepted it and held it away from him. "Trowa?"  
  
"Quatre, you're not to have any calls I've told you that already."  
  
"Yes, I know but.but it could be an emergency. Lt. Deken said it was urgent." Quatre's eyes turned pleading. "Trowa it could be something awful."  
  
"Or it could be your sisters. Quatre, you don't need to deal with them right now." Duo's put his hand on Quatre's knee and gave it a little rub. "Besides, it's probably just one of those new soliciting programs, you know, the ones that say urgent and try to sell you timeshares. Heero and I got one the other day; you should have seen Heero; he stared straight at the guy and told him if he didn't hang up, he was going to kill him. Wait a second! Heero, now that guy knows our safety word, too! You gotta stop saying that all the time!"  
  
Quatre quirked a smile but returned his look to Trowa. "Please, Trowa, if it is my sisters, and I promise not to stay on for more than a minute, can I answer the call then, please?" It pained Trowa to know that if he didn't give Quatre the phone, he'd be completely sullen the rest of the day; yet if he did and it was his sisters, Quatre would turn out the same way. Wufei saved him.  
  
"Here, give me that blasted thing." Wufei took the com unit from Trowa's hand and switched on the signal. "Who is this, and if you're any of Quatre's sisters, you'll be very sorry."  
  
"Wufei!"  
  
Wufei didn't spare the Arabian even a glance. The screen was blank, but before he realized it, a very imposing head came up from the bottom, completely dominating the screen.  
  
"I asked to speak with Master Quatre."  
  
"Rashid!!!" Quatre grabbed for the vid-com, and Wufei released it into his custody, satisfied that Rashid would not upset his friend.  
  
"Master Quatre, are you alright?"  
  
"Of course, I am Rashid. How are you? How's the Terriforming coming?" "It's coming along well. We're nearly complete with the Southern Hemisphere. The new numbers are staggering how ahead of schedule we are. But that's not why I've contacted you."  
  
Trowa saw uncertainty flash across Quatre's face as they made brief eye contact over the vid-screen. "What is it, Rashid. Is everything alright?"  
  
"That's what I'd like to know. I received my summons to the Preventers base last night, and am currently on a shuttle now. I was told you were ill."  
  
A haunting look entered Quatre's eyes then, but he pushed it aside, "It's nothing Rashid; I wish I'd known you were summoned earlier. I would have called to tell you, you didn't need to travel all this way."  
  
"It's no trouble, Master. I'm only concerned for your welfare."  
  
"I've," he paused, looking at Trowa before returning to the screen, "I'm not feeling my best. It seems things have caught up with me from the past few months. I think someone might have overreacted. But I wouldn't worry about it. I'm feeling much better today. Besides, it'll be so wonderful to see you again. It's been months since the last time."  
  
"Over half a year, Master Quatre. The Maganacs miss you. Most of the ones on Mars have wondered why you haven't visited."  
  
"I'm very sorry Rashid. Things have been so hectic; I didn't want to bother anyone with-" Suddenly his eyes shot to Trowa's and regarded them with flickering emotions behind them. Then, just as quickly, they returned to the screen. "Rashid?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"How long until your shuttle arrives?"  
  
"It should be there by tomorrow. Why have you need of me sooner, Master?"  
  
"No, I just want to be there when you arrive. I've missed talking with you, Rashid, very much." He sounded like a child then, so quiet and respectful-it sounded so strange to then hear Rashid call him 'master.'  
  
"I have missed you as well, Master Quatre. I will see if there is a way to get this worthless shuttle to go any faster."  
  
Quatre offered a weak smile and nodded his head. "I look forward to your arrival."  
  
"As do I. We will meet soon."  
  
"Yes, may Allah make your journey here safe."  
  
"Thank you. And may he make your journey safe as well."  
  
The communication ended, and Quatre set down the vid-com quietly. Without looking at him, Quatre spoke to him.  
  
"Did you ask him to come, Trowa?"  
  
"No, Corinne wanted him here. She didn't say exactly why."  
  
Quatre nodded his head and looked to his watch. "It's gotten late. I have to get back." He looked at his friends. "Thank you all for having lunch with me. It was truly wonderful to sit with all of you and enjoy a quite meal. Well, quiet except for Duo." He smiled then and released the tension that had gathered around the group of boys.  
  
Duo stood when Quatre did and hugged him tightly. "This is all going to work out, Quatre. I promise. Remember, I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie."  
  
Quatre nodded his thanks, and when released, bent over and gave Trowa a sweet kiss. "I'll see you later." At Trowa's nod, Quatre left the circle of rose bushes and entered the complex.  
  
"How's he doing, really doing?" Heero's voice was laced with concern.  
  
"He was talking to me earlier, really talking with me. I thought- just for a moment-things were going to be alright."  
  
"They will be alright, Trowa. We just need to stay positive. If you say that Quatre opened up to you and he only had one visit with the shrink, then it's probably a good sign, don't you think?"  
  
"I guess you're right, Duo."  
  
"Of course I'm right." Then a sad and wounded look entered his face, causing his body to slump slightly into itself. "I am right, aren't I, Heero?"  
  
Heero didn't answer-just wrapped Duo in his arms.  
  
I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie. 


	12. Chapter 11

"Tell me about Rashid."  
  
"What do you want to know?"  
  
"Would you consider him a friend?"  
  
"Yes and no."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Quatre sighed, looking out the window. They'd been at it for nearly three hours, and he felt tired already. He knew Corinne was tired; because when he'd gotten back to his rooms he'd found her asleep in the chair where he'd left her. She apologized profusely, but he'd only brushed it aside and gotten her something to snack on. He knew she was stressing. Empaths had a hard time working with people over long periods of time. Corinne had been pushing complete exhaustion, having spent over six hours total with him. But she said she was fine, and as long as she didn't fall flat on her face, Quatre would let the doctor dictate the time.  
  
"He's more than a friend. So he's both, a friend and more than."  
  
"Would you say he's been a father figure to you?"  
  
Quatre thought about this a moment, "I've often wondered what it would have been like to have Rashid as my father. Is that what you mean?"  
  
"Not quite but that's good too. Have you ever gone to him instead of to your father, when you normally would have sought your father out?"  
  
"Yes, often. Maybe more than that."  
  
"He's very special to you, isn't he?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What about the other men that travel with him, the Maganacs? Would you consider them your friends?"  
  
"Yes, but they're more like brothers than friends. We fought together, died together. They're more than friends."  
  
"Would you go so far as to say they're like family?"  
  
"No. They're better than family."  
  
"How about Rashid? Is he better than family as well?"  
  
"Most friends are better than family. He's better than family."  
  
"Are they better than family, or just better than yours?"  
  
He paused, realizing the conversation was running away from him. He didn't know where it was heading; the topic a little too close to home.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Have you ever loved anyone more than your family?"  
  
Again, "I don't know."  
  
"Tell me about Koeran."  
  
Koeran. The name stung and yet made his heart lighter to hear it. It had been so long since he'd heard that name, so long since he'd wondered if Koeran would approve of all he'd become.  
  
"What do you want to know?"  
  
"He was your first lover, wasn't he?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why did you pick him?"  
  
"I didn't; he picked me. I was still too afraid to pick him."  
  
"Afraid of your father?"  
  
"Afraid of everything."  
  
"How did Koeran pick you? Did he approach you first?"  
  
"He kissed me. It was nice. Better. Are you going to tell this to Trowa?" He didn't know how he felt about the idea, didn't know if it frightened him or not.  
  
"Not if you don't want me too."  
  
"I'd rather you didn't."  
  
"Then I won't. How long were you and Koeran together?"  
  
"Over a year."  
  
"How old were you when you and he began your relationship?"  
  
"Fourteen."  
  
"How old was he?"  
  
"Eighteen."  
  
"Did that worry you, being so much younger than him?"  
  
"No. He wanted me, and I wanted him. I wasn't worried. If it ended, then it would end."  
  
"Were you ever afraid he'd leave you?"  
  
"I wasn't afraid. I knew eventually we'd drift apart. We both wanted different things, and eventually those things would have caught up with us." Complete trust, that's what he and Koeran had had. They believed in each other, both desiring the same things and yet different things as well. They both gave and received. They were equals.  
  
"You trusted him to stay with you?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Would you say your relationship with Koeran was stronger, than your relationship with Trowa?"  
  
A choice, and one he definitely didn't like. He'd felt more comfortable with her this second round of questioning, but still, he harbored some fear of what she could do. He'd pushed the idea to the back of his mind, preferring to think of her as Trowa did, someone that could help him; but it didn't seem to be working.  
  
"They're the same, only different. I won't choose."  
  
"I don't want you to tell me who you love or loved more, I only want to know with whom did you have the stronger relationship?"  
  
"I don't like the question."  
  
"I don't care. Make a choice."  
  
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Too many decisions.  
  
"No."  
  
"Do you not want me to know, or do you not want yourself to know?"  
  
"Either." Too much information, she was taking too much control from him. He had to get some back; he had to stay on top. He'd wanted to trust in her a little more, believe she could help him. Finding her so vulnerable earlier had only made him want to be nicer to her; she might need someone to protect her.  
  
"Fair enough. You have to tell me things, that's why I'm here, but if you're not ready to tell yourself, then we'll move on." He nodded his agreement, focusing only on the fact that the topic was now over.  
  
"Why don't you love Trowa?"  
  
What?! Where had that come from? What was she trying to do? Of course he loved Trowa! Trowa was his life; everything he was, is, was for Trowa.  
  
"What do you mean? I love Trowa." His voice was strong; his eyes however, were cast to the window.  
  
"Alright, then why doesn't Trowa love you?"  
  
In a flash he was looking at her, pain and fear suffusing his entire being. Trowa loved him, he knew he did. He had to love him!  
  
"Trowa loves me." But his voice wasn't strong; it was weak, weak like he was.  
  
"How do you know? Are you sure?"  
  
Was he sure? Did he know for certain that Trowa loved him, wanted to stay with him? Trowa often told him he did, but so had Koeran, so had Cijen. So many people promised to love him, and so many ended up not. How could he believe that Trowa loved him completely? He couldn't, not even all of his empathic abilities allowed him to know for certain. The sand he'd thought he'd been standing on had more than once before turned to quicksand; what was to prevent the same thing happening with Trowa?  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"You don't even know if your own lover loves you? Don't you think that's a little pathetic?"  
  
More and more sand.  
  
Where had her hateful words come from? Had Trowa told her something? Said that he didn't love him anymore? Was Trowa using the doctor to make his leaving him easier to bear? Was his Trowa no longer really his? But no! Trowa had been with him only that afternoon, laughing and joking with the rest of them. Trowa had told him he loved him.hadn't he? Or was it all just another lie? Could Trowa be playing with his heart? Was Trowa going to hurt him, betray him?"  
  
He felt his breathing accelerate, watched the room bounce with his quick gasps of panic.  
  
"Shhh, Quatre, calm down. I'm only pushing you. Calm down, it's all right. Trowa loves you, he's told me so himself, and I believe him a hundred percent. That's right, Trowa told me, and I used my abilities to probe him; he's telling the truth. Trowa loves you; he won't betray or abandon you."  
  
Her words continued, but the sound of relief rushing in his ears muffled her voice. Trowa did love him; he always would. Trowa would be there for him. Trowa could take care of him. Trowa wouldn't betray him. Trowa wouldn't leave him. Trowa loved him. Trowa.  
  
"That's right, Quatre. Trowa loves you. He loves you. He'll never leave you, he'll never abandon you. Trowa loves you. He loves you."  
  
For a moment, the world got dizzy, like earlier, before when Trowa had returned, but this time when he opened his eyes it wasn't because of the pass code being entered, it was because Corinne was sitting in front of him weeping.  
  
Large tears and painful sobs racked her body, shaking her to the core. Her arms were wrapped about herself, and she was rocking back and forth in the chair. Her head was moving in a sideways motion that reminded Quatre of those dolls with springs in their necks. She looked as broken as he felt.  
  
"Corinne? Corinne, are you alright?"  
  
She shook her head no, and started to cry harder. He moved to her side, touching her arm gently. "Corinne, tell me what's wrong. Are you hurt? Did I hurt you?"  
  
Again she shook her head no, but continued to sob.  
  
What could he do? What should he do? Standing, he moved quickly to the com unit, and punched in Trowa's code.  
  
"Trowa."  
  
"Trowa, it's Quatre." His voice held currents of concern, and fear.  
  
"Quatre, what's wrong, are you alright?" His fear and concern were matched. Trowa understood. Trowa loved him. Trowa would never betray him. Trowa would never leave him. Trowa could take care of him. Towa loved him, always had, always would. He could trust Trowa.  
  
"Something's happened to Corinne. I don't know what. I closed my eyes, and then when I opened them, she was curled into a ball on the chair. Trowa, send a med. team down here right away. I don't know what's going on."  
  
"Quatre, don't worry. I'm coming, all right, I'm on my way. Don't worry."  
  
"Hurry Trowa, I'm really scared."  
  
Closing the communication channel, he turned back around to Corinne, and his eyes widened in surprise.  
  
Feet planted on the floor, body still and relaxed, she dabbed at her eyes with a tissue from the carton next to the lamp. But the thing that stunned him the most wasn't any of those things, but instead was the huge smile on her face. He didn't understand.  
  
"I know I scared you Quatre, but don't worry. Come here, and I'll explain." His feet move of their own accord, and his mind raced with emotions he didn't understand. He made it to the couch and sat down, just as she shifted back into her normal position, eyes dry and a healthy glow in her cheeks.  
  
The door to their rooms flew open, and Trowa, Heero, Duo, and Wufei all came rushing in, only to stop by the door and stare at both himself and Corinne.  
  
"Who did you call, Quatre?"  
  
"What?" He turned his attention back to her, still trying to figure out what was going on.  
  
"When you thought something was wrong with me that you couldn't fix, didn't have any control, who did you call?"  
  
He didn't understand, "Trowa."  
  
"That's right, and why did you call him?"  
  
The four pilots moved as one, to stand behind the table that started the boundary of the sitting area. They were silent, listening to Corinne explain and Quatre answer. "I didn't know who else to call."  
  
"But you did. You told Trowa to call a med. team, didn't you? Why didn't you just call the med. team yourself? Why did you call Trowa?"  
  
"I-I don't know."  
  
"Yes you do, tell me why Quatre."  
  
"I-I didn't want to be alone."  
  
"If Trowa isn't here, it's hard to face things, isn't it? If you can't feel his presence through the link, it's hard to take comfort isn't it?"  
  
"I don't know, I don't understand." His hands were fisted in his hair on either sides of his head. This was too much; he didn't understand what was going on. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Trowa take a step forward, only to have Corinne gesture for him to stay back.  
  
"Yes you do, Quatre. Tell me how come you're not alone when Trowa's with you. Tell me why you called for him."  
  
"Stop it! I don't know the answer!"  
  
"Who's love is stronger, yours and Trowas', or yours and Koerans'?"  
  
The question caused a shocked gasp to come from the opposite side of the room, but Quatre barely heard it. He didn't know the answer, didn't want to know the answer. What if it wasn't Trowa.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Yes you do! Is your love for Trowa stronger, or is your love for him dim compared to what you had with Koeran? Who do you trust more?"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!!!"  
  
"Then tell me Quatre, who do you want to trust more?!"  
  
A sob escaped his lips, and he shook with emotion. There was no escape, no way out.  
  
"I don't know." His voice was defeated, just as he was, just as he'd always been.  
  
"Koeran is dead, Quatre. Now who do you want to trust more?"  
  
The silence was deafening, and Quatre's sobs were the only sound in the room. He cried in frustration, he cried in fear, but most of all he cried out of love, both lost and found. Finally, he found his voice.  
  
"Koeran."  
  
"Why? Why him? Why not Trowa?"  
  
"He's dead."  
  
"Koeran? Koeran is dead?" He nodded, "Yes, he is. Is that why you want to trust him? Because he's dead?" He nodded. "I don't understand, Quatre. Explain."  
  
"He never betrayed me."  
  
"Has Trowa betrayed you?"  
  
"He will."  
  
"How do you know that Quatre? You've never even let him get close enough to try. You've kept him away from everything that's hurt you, just so he'd never know. Isn't that right? You've pushed him away from all of your pain so he'd never see, never know how to betray you."  
  
No hesitation, "Yes."  
  
"Is Trowa strong enough now not to leave you? Is he strong enough to stay by your side?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then why did you call Trowa when you should have called the med. team?"  
  
"I can trust Trowa. He'd never leave me. He'll never betray me. I love him."  
  
"Do you really trust him, Quatre?"  
  
"Yes-no-yes," His voice got very small, very weak, weaker than he ever remembered being, "But I don't want to."  
  
"Why? Quatre tell me why you don't want to trust Trowa."  
  
"He's still alive."  
  
"What does him being alive have to do with it?"  
  
"He can still betray me later."  
  
He didn't see Heero reach out a hand to steady Trowa, didn't see him holding the taller man up. He wouldn't have been able to stop, even if he had.  
  
"Do you think Trowa will betray you? Do you think he'll leave you later?"  
  
"Yes-No."  
  
"Then why are you fighting against him?"  
  
"I don't want to be wrong again. I don't want to have made the wrong choice again."  
  
"Do you want to die Quatre?"  
  
It was a question from nowhere and a question that took an answer to nowhere. It was one of those questions psychiatrists always asked their patients, knowing the answer would always be no. Knowing that no one in his right mind would ever say yes to someone that could lock him up for his own good. It was a trick question. Quatre didn't notice.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why haven't you killed yourself yet then? Why are you still here, even after the war, so long after the war has finished?"  
  
"I owe him."  
  
"Owe him? Who do you owe?"  
  
"Trowa."  
  
"You owe Trowa. What do you owe him, Quatre, what do you owe him that won't allow you to just kill yourself? To put the past behind you, to leave the rejection and constant pain of your sisters, to find relief from the crowds of people that haunt your dreams, from the thousands of people you killed in the war. What could you possibly owe Trowa that would make you withstand all of that?"  
  
No hesitation, no emotion. The truth hurt enough.  
  
"My life. My life for his. I killed him, now my life belongs to him. I'll stay until he tells me to go. I live until he tells me to die. I belong to him. I'll suffer as long as he wants me to."  
  
"Because of the ZERO system? Is that why?" He nodded, "But Trowa didn't die. He's right here, Quatre. He's right beside you-" The insistent shaking of his head brought her words to a stand still.  
  
"He's here, but for a time he wasn't. He did die. He broke the link; it died. I killed him. I did. I loved him and killed him. I betrayed him first! Just like I betrayed Cijen first! He'll leave me eventually; he'll betray me someday! He has to; everyone does! But I can't do anything about it! I have to stay with him until he does. I want to stay with him. I love him more than anything in the universe! I'd die a thousand deaths, I'd live a thousand lifetimes to be with him. But he'll betray me, because I betrayed him first, because everyone eventually betrays me."  
  
"Except Koeran."  
  
"Koeran died for me. I betrayed him first, before he got the chance."  
  
"Who do you want to trust more?"  
  
The same question, a different answer. "Trowa."  
  
"Why Trowa?"  
  
"I want to trust him so badly, believe that he'll stay with me."  
  
"Then believe it Quatre. He loves you, trusts you, believes in you. You know it's true, you've been inside his emotions, you know he'd do anything for you." He nodded his head  
  
"You don't think he'll betray you, do you Quatre? You want him to betray you, you want him to leave you. You know once he's gone, once he's let you go, it'll be over. You'll end your life, and all the pain, fear, and rage will go away, won't it?"  
  
He nodded his head.  
  
"That's not going to happen, Quatre!" Strong arms encircled him, and he felt the reassuring presence of Trowa. His arms, so safe and secure. He could die here and be happy, he could even live here and be happy. "I'm not going to let you go, do you hear me, Quatre? I'm not ever leaving you! I'll stay by your side always, and you'll stay by mine. I'll protect you, just like you protected me, even from yourself. I won't let you go, and I won't betray you! I love you, and I'm always going to be in love with you! You can trust me, Quatre, you can trust me completely, I won't betray you."  
  
Quatre felt light kisses pressed into his hair. Words came back, things he'd heard, once upon a time. 'I trust you, Quatre.' Trust, it was such a strong word, it meant life or death, happiness or betrayal. But could Trowa mean it? Mean it for the future, a time he couldn't see right now? He didn't know.  
  
Suddenly the link flared to life, and a great glow of emotions spiraled around him. Love, trust, acceptance, everything he'd been searching for so desperately, all floating around in his mind like leaves on the breeze; beautiful and delicate. With his mind, Quatre reached for the trust, grasping it, and holding it close. This is what he wanted most of all, what he needed to feel. Trowa trusted him, loved and accepted him, for all of his faults and all of his accomplishments. Trowa loved him. He'd never leave him. He'd never betray him. Trowa loved him.  
  
And then it all clicked into place. Trowa did love him. Trowa would never, ever leave him. Trowa would never, ever betray him. Trowa loved him; and would never betray him. Trowa.Trowa could be trusted.with everything.  
  
His mind grew dark and through the haze he could hear Corinne's voice, "You did well, Quatre. You did well. Rest now, Quatre. It's ok to rest now." And then there was silence.  
  
* * *  
  
Duo had Corinne pressed into the chair as Quatre's body slumped into his arms, unmoving.  
  
"What the hell did you do to him!?" Duo's rage at his friends' pain was undeniable. One hand moved dangerously close to Corinne's throat.  
  
"Quatre?! Quatre?! Please answer me, Quatre?!" Trowa was shaking him, begging with mind and body for his love to wake up. It had all happened so suddenly. They'd burst into the room after receiving a frantic com call from Quatre. When they'd gotten there, Corinne had just started in on Quatre, not allowing any mercy. Then in the heat of a heart wrenching confession, Quatre had blacked out, and now lay slumped against him, barely breathing. "Quatre!?"  
  
"Trowa, stop! Don't try to wake him. He needs to rest now. Just let him rest." Her voice was tired, and she barely acknowledged Duo's looming presence over her.  
  
"What do you mean?! Lady are you crazy or something?! What the hell did you think you were doing to him?!"  
  
"Duo," Heero's voice cut through the confusion, level headed as always, "Move away from her. Trowa, do as she says until we find a reason not to. Lady," he addressed Corinne, "You have about one minute to explain."  
  
Corinne gave a weak nod of her head before trying to sit up, only to allow exhaustion to push her back into her seat. "A glass of water, please."  
  
Wufei retrieved the desired liquid and then sat with the others. Trowa held Quatre's body close, tears tracking down his face without shame; he barely noticed them.  
  
Corinne's soft voice, almost painful, called his attention, "He's alright, Trowa. Better than alright in fact. The suggestion partially took. I think he's going to be ok."  
  
He turned his face to her and watched her flinch at his obvious pain. "What are you talking about? He wants to kill himself! He wants to die." His voice fell though. Quatre was his strength, if anything happened to him-anything-he would join him, he'd be with Quatre forever.  
  
"Yes, that's true, and it hasn't changed either. Quatre will still want to die when he wakes up, but the desire won't be as strong, and the supporting needs won't be there; at least not all of them."  
  
"Look Lady, I'm about ready to issue you a lot of physical pain, so I suggest you hurry up with the explanation!" Heero's arm around Duo's wrist held the braided man in place, but death danced in his eyes, and once that look entered Shinigami, there was no looking back.  
  
But it was Trowa's desperate voice that was the last call, his mournful cry echoed in the room and everyone felt the full impact of his pain, "Please Corinne!"  
  
"Trowa, listen carefully to me. I gave Quatre a suggestion earlier this afternoon. I told him that you loved him, that you'd never leave him; that you could protect him, and that he could trust you. These were only suggestions and Quatre had to want to believe them before they'd take. That's why I pretended to be hurt, so Quatre would be forced to make a decision; he made the right one, Trowa. He called you, he was hurt, scared, confused, and worried, and he called you. That's exactly what we wanted him to do, admit that he needed you, and that you'd be there for him.  
  
"The rest. You heard him; he didn't know why he'd called you. I needed him to come to a conscious conclusion that he needed your help, that he could trust you to come when he needed you. That's why the relentless questions, that's why the painful topics. He was fighting it. That's why he kept saying he didn't know; he did know, he just didn't want to admit it to himself.  
  
"Right before he passed out, I opened the link, right after you took him into your arms. He felt all your love and trust though the link. And it was enough. The suggestion I planted took root; he believes it. Do you understand, Trowa? He now believes he can trust you; that you love him and won't ever betray him. He crossed the desert and you were standing right there, waiting to carry him the rest of the way home. He believes now; his whole being believes now. Quatre's a strong empath thankfully it didn't take as much coaxing as it usually does." She trailed off then, and Trowa could feel the dawning of her words on his being.  
  
"Quatre trusts me now?"  
  
She smiled, "Yes Trowa, Quatre trusts you now. He'll come to you from now on."  
  
Trowa couldn't help it; he tightened his grip around Quatre's fallen frame and buried his face in the blond sunshine he found there. Tears of relief fell from his eyes.  
  
Heero's voice eventually caused him to look up.  
  
"If that's true, then why did you say Quatre still wants to die?"  
  
She sighed, a deep sigh that reached into her soul for both comfort and strength. "Quatre may trust in Trowa now, but that wasn't his only problem, his only issue. He's a very, very disturbed young man; very hurt, and very unstable right now."  
  
"What do you mean, woman; you just said you cured him?" A dangerous tone entered Wufei's voice, belying the turbulence inside of him.  
  
"No, I said he now trusted Trowa, at least partially, but that doesn't mean he's fixed; that doesn't mean his slate gets wiped clean." She reached for a notebook that had fallen beside the chair. Flipping through the pages, she examined some things and then looked back to the group, but her eyes met Trowa's.  
  
"Any one of these would have made me recommend that Quatre seek professional help. These are all things I've identified as things that Quatre needs to work out, to find conclusion to. Listen to this list, really listen, Trowa, because these are the things you're going to have to work with Quatre to fix. These are the things that will take years, but I know you're capable and willing to help him." She cleared her throat and then took a drink from her water glass. "These are all things that Quatre must work through. He doesn't know if Trowa can keep him safe; he's afraid he'll hurt Trowa; he wants to keep things from Trowa to protect him; he's taking refuge in Trowa's mind/emotions instead of talking out his problems; he thinks that Trowa cannot help him, even if Trowa knew what was really going on; the spontaneous link; he feels as if he has no control; he has to stay in control around Trowa to keep Trowa from figuring out how much he's hurting; the betrayal of his sisters, most importantly the betrayal of Cijen; the Will and the child; his fears of becoming like his father; long standing issues about Koeran's death; working out his anger and grief for the damage he did with the ZERO; deciding whether or not to kill himself, and lastly his sexual preferences. These are only the ones I found from reading his journals and talking with him today! There could be more, hundreds more! I won't know until we really start working together. But do you see what I'm talking about? I can't cure Quatre of all these things in one day; I'm not even sure a year will be enough time. He's so very young, and to know that most of his has happened to him in the last five years of his life, you can understand how traumatic it has all been for him."  
  
"But," Duo's voice cut through the silence that followed Corinne's declaration, "Why did this all happen in the last few months? Why didn't it happen a long time ago? Why now?"  
  
"It has been happening for a long time. It's been building since Quatre was only eight years old, the first time his father beat him and told him his choices were unacceptable. They escalated when he wasn't able to protect Koeran, and then shot through the roof when he thought he'd killed Trowa. Things settled down again then, once he and Trowa were together, but the thing with his sisters, the pain of the Will, it brought all of his past choices and decisions into question, and Quatre just caved under the pressure. To be honest, I'm surprised he's still breathing. I'm not sure how much longer his notion of owing Trowa his life was going to keep him alive. The pain he is experiencing, it's debilitating, and more importantly deadly."  
  
"Will he be alright now?" His voice sounded small, fearful, and he was. His lover lay broken and yet fixed in his arms; who was to know the answer?  
  
"He has a good base now. He'll trust you enough that he'll come to you about most things from this point on. The really terrible things he might not, and those you'll just have to allow for. But for the most part, Quatre will come to you, and be able to work out most of the things bothering him from this point on. He may not come to you about things in his past yet, that will take time; but be patient, take it one step at a time, and know that while you're working on the current problems, I'll be working on the past ones." He nodded his head, not quite sure what she was talking about, but willing to trust her for now. She had given Quatre back to him, or more accurately, given him back to Quatre. He only hoped he would see the change when his little lover woke up.  
  
"Trowa?" He looked at her. "He needs to rest some more, he'll be exhausted from the strain of today. I-I need to do some more dusting, do you remember?" He nodded his head. "Good. The bad news is I'm completely wiped. I'll be able to perform the sweep, but I'll be out of commission when I'm done. Someone will have to help me back to my room-if I'm conscious at all." Duo volunteered, satisfied with her answers to his questions and Trowa's. "Alright, don't be alarmed if he says or does anything. Sometimes a sweep can be hard, and with all the mistrust floating around in Quatre's mind, he could get upset that I'm even attempting to touch it. Just put him to bed, and I'll see him the day after tomorrow. Don't try to push him too hard; he's still going to be a little shaky on his feet for a while, and I don't mean that literally." Again he nodded and then she closed her eyes; and didn't open them again.  
  
When it became clear that nearly an hour later she'd passed out, Duo and Heero carried her to her room, and Wufei helped Trowa carry Quatre to the bed. During the entire time, no one said a word. There were too many uncertainties. Too many things they didn't know yet. Would Quatre be alright? Would he be like is old self, and if he was, did they want him that way, a mask of a broken boy? Trowa didn't know the answers.  
  
With great difficulty, Trowa finally managed to find sleep, with Quatre safely tucked into him. Ten days. That was all it'd taken for his and Quatre's world to dissolve; in just ten days and a lifetime. He didn't know where they would go from this point on; but he did know one thing: they'd get there together. Love and trust blended to become one. 


	13. Chapter 12

There was a sound of talking. He could hear voices he remembered, ones he felt safe and happy with, but the darkness was still tempting; there weren't any bad things in the darkness. Settling back, he relaxed into the void; there'd be plenty of time later for the safe voices.  
  
But the darkness he'd thought was safe took on a new light. He looked above him; large energy efficient, sterile lights lined the ceiling; one was directly over him. Looking to the left, he saw a huge mirror, and in it he could see his reflection. A young boy, no more than five or six lay strapped to a metal table-he was that little boy.  
  
He struggled, pulling at the metal bonds that held his wrists and legs bound. Shaking his body, he tried with all of his strength to break out, to get free. A sudden thought had him straining harder and more furiously against the shackles; she needed him; they were going to hurt her unless he fought.  
  
A sharp stinging across his wrists told him he'd sliced them open on the metal cuffs, but it didn't matter; she needed him; they'd hurt her if he didn't do something. He couldn't let anything happen to her.  
  
Suddenly, the doors to his right opened, and a man wearing a white lab coat entered the room. He had a twisted smile on his face. He knew that this man was bad, evil; he'd hurt them both, him and her. He struggled harder, but it didn't help; he couldn't break free, and he knew that, but he had to keep fighting; he had to or they'd hurt her.  
  
He felt the hand slam across his face, driving his left cheek into the cold steel of the table. He hurt; it hurt badly. He just wanted to get away, just wanted to save her, to keep her safe. He felt the prick of the needle. It was almost over; if he didn't get away, if he stopped fighting, she'd be hurt; they'd hurt her because he hadn't fought hard enough. He had to fight, had to save her, had to protect her. But his eyes were getting heavy, his arms wouldn't move anymore. He kept trying, kept struggling, until it became even hard to breath, then as the blackness surrounded him, all he could think about was that he hadn't fought hard enough.  
  
Then he was dropping, falling thousands of miles, faster and faster, the bottom of his drop nowhere in sight. He had to take a breath.  
  
"TROWA!!!!!!"  
  
He sat straight up, chest heaving, trying to gain enough oxygen to maintain consciousness. Quatre spun his head around, recognizing the living room and his place on the couch. All this in the split second it took Trowa to reach him.  
  
"Quatre, Quatre, it's ok. I'm here, Quatre. It's alright." Strong arms wrapped about him, and Quatre could do little else besides allow his head to fall on his lover's shoulder and weep. He cried for the little boy, for the pain and the fear; he cried for her, the one he didn't know, but was suffer none the less.  
  
Trowa rocked him, whispering soothing words into his ear, laying soft touches of his mouth against his hair. All Quatre could do was cling to him, desperately seeking comfort in this reality and not the last. Grounding himself in the real world and not his dream.  
  
"Quatre what is it? Are you alright? Was it that dream again?" He nodded his head; he needed Trowa to understand, to make it go away. He needed Trowa; he was the only one who could make it stop.  
  
"It-it was-was awful. I-I-was so-so-Trowa."  
  
"Shhhh, Quatre it's all right. You're safe here, the nightmare isn't real, nothing about it is real. I'm here you're with me, you're not alone Quatre, you're not alone. I'm with you." Again and again he heard Trowa repeat his phrases only to have him cling more and more to him. It wasn't that he didn't recognize his words, but his voice.Trowa's beautiful voice comforted him, lulled him, kept him safe from the feelings of being so helpless, so alone and afraid.  
  
When he felt as if he could finally breathe again, he moved away only slightly and looked at Trowa. His lover's eyes were worried, pained at his own pain. He sniffled and wiped the tears from his face with the back of his hand.  
  
"The dream, it's so real. I-felt so alone, so helpless. I've never experienced something like it before. It's so real, like I'm pathing directly with someone-a child-a little boy. He isn't more than five or six, and he has stone gray eyes, eyes that see into the soul. I-I'm not sure what's really going on, but I just know this can't be a dream, can't be a nightmare. This is real Trowa, someone's hurting this little boy, and we have to help him!"  
  
With tender care, he was pulled back against Trowa's warm body. He felt so safe, so secure there, where he belonged, where he always belonged.  
  
"It's going to be ok, Quatre. I promise, I'll look into this, see if there are any reports of an empathic boy with stone gray eyes. Five or six?" He nodded. "I'll see if there have been any reports of a boy fitting that description. Will that help, Quatre? Will that make it easier?"  
  
"I just have to find him, Trowa. I have to make sure he's ok. They've hurt him so bad, and they'll hurt her too. I have to protect her, no matter what!" He struggled, only to find himself pulled forward as Trowa laid back onto the couch, taking him with him.  
  
"It's still early Quatre. Try and get some more rest." He tried to struggle, tried to protest against the sleep, or more importantly, the dreaming. "Shhhhh, Quatre. I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere. It's ok, you're safe now, just try to get some more sleep. You're exhausted. Just rest."  
  
He felt his eye lids flutter, until finally the darkness overpowered him. He fell with slow and gentle ease into a dreamless state, safe in Trowa's arms, safe and protected.  
  
* * *  
  
"Master Trowa?"  
  
"It's alright now, Rashid. He's asleep." Trowa took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Quatre's nightmare was becoming a terrible burden on his beloved; he'd have to talk to Corinne about it if Quatre wouldn't. In the mean time, he'd have Heero do a quick and dirty inquiry; he was fairly certain that the nightmare had to do with Quatre's session; in some way or another.  
  
"Is he often like this?" There was a deep sadness, an ache in Rashid's voice, as if he'd let Quatre down in some way.  
  
"He is very sick now, but he's getting better. The nightmares are a byproduct of the session, I think."  
  
Rashid stood then, and moved to the side of the couch and knelt before the two intertwined on it. Lightly he laid a hand on Quatre's head and stroked his hair. "When he was younger, I would often-in passing-lay my hand on his hair; it always seemed to relax him. Quatre once told me his father was not a very demonstrative man; I sought to give him a measure of comfort in our world."  
  
The leader of the Maganacs had arrived seven hours before the scheduled time; he'd threatened to have the pilots killed, and the rest of the crew sold into slavery. He and Trowa had joked about it once he'd gotten to the complex. But the mood was completely broken when Rashid placed his first look on his self-stated master in over six months.  
  
Duo had stayed with Quatre while he'd gone to meet Rashid at the spaceport. So the braided man wasn't at all surprised when they walked in; what had surprised him was Rashid falling to his knees before the bed Quatre slept on, and nearly allowing the tears in his eyes to fall. It was a painful scene to watch, and Trowa had to remind Rashid that he could not allow his emotions to become too overpowering; with Corinne completely out of commission, there was no one to maintain Quatre's shields; it was a very dangerous spot for conflicting emotions.  
  
After Rashid had calmed down, he'd carried Quatre into the living room and placed him on the couch. They'd been talking for almost two hours before Quatre awoke screaming his name.  
  
Remembering what Corinne had said, Trowa was prepared for some form of backlash, but Rashid was not. He leaned over the two lovers now, watching his young master sleep. It broke Trowa's heart to see him this way.  
  
"Rashid, there is much neither you nor I know about Quatre. He's very good at making people believe they know him when really they do not. It's a talent he's been perfecting for many years." Sadness hung in his words, but also a measure of hope. Quatre had been too upset to tell, but Trowa thought that perhaps his small love had come to him; he had called his name.  
  
"You are of course right, Master Trowa. I never thought about it much, but Master Quatre has always been silent when it came to talking about himself. Though from what you've told me, it seems I know more information about his past than you were aware of." He didn't mean it to be cruel, but it still stung, to think that Quatre had trusted Rashid over him. Trowa had to tell himself that that was in the past, Quatre trusted him now; he'd come to him from now on, he hoped.  
  
"I'm glad he had someone to go to, even if it wasn't me."  
  
"No Master Trowa, he never came to me after the two of you became friends. Once he met you in the war, he stopped coming to me. In fact, I'd even say after Koeran's death he stopped asking for my advice and opinion."  
  
Koeran. There were dozens of mixed up emotions coming from that name. He was grateful that Koeran had been there for Quatre; yet at the same time he also felt a blinding hate towards the boy that had been with his precious lover first. Then there was the fact that Quatre had trusted Koeran, and yet could not find it in himself to trust him. Trowa knew the comparison couldn't be done; his mind told him that Quatre had been through so much since Koeran had died; yet he couldn't help but feel slightly rejected by the obvious differences in the way Quatre treated them. It hurt, and yet, it didn't; very confusing.  
  
"Rashid, may I ask you a question you may not want to answer?"  
  
The older man looked at him. Rashid respected him, respected all the pilots. There was a sense of adoration the older man had for all of them, and even Trowa felt the fatherly protection from Rashid where the pilots were concerned.  
  
"You may ask me anything, I will only refuse to answer if Master Quatre told me not to speak of it."  
  
Trowa nodded in agreement, "Koeran. Will you tell me about his and Quatre's relationship."  
  
A puzzled look came over Rashid's face, "Koeran? Has Master Quatre not mentioned him before?"  
  
"No, he has, but like everything else only sparingly. I'd like to know more about him."  
  
Rashid nodded, "You know he and Quatre were lovers." Trowa nodded. "They met when Koeran joined the Maganacs from Earth. I think it is safe to say the attraction was immediate, but I wasn't surprised."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Have you not seen a picture of Koeran?" He shook his head.  
  
Rashid stood, and pulled from his back pocket, an image holder. It was a small device that held images, usually pictures. He used the select buttons for a moment, before passing it to Trowa. "I've kept a picture of all my fallen men; it's the only honor I have left to give them. But perhaps there was always a special place for both Quatre and Koeran. They were both very young, and Quatre was not one of us-I felt a need to protect him even as he protected us. This picture was taken after an old mobile suit was finished, they'd been working on it together for months. I believe at this time, they were lovers."  
  
Trowa looked at the picture. A tall boy, a good foot and a half taller than Quatre, stood next to the blond, his arms around his shoulder in an awkward way due to the height difference. Quatre had his arm about the other's waist, a huge smile on his face, matched by Koeran. They smiled at the camera, and after moving to the next picture as Rashid instructed, he saw them smiling at each other.  
  
"Do you see what I mean, Master Trowa?"  
  
Trowa studied the pictures again, but still saw nothing. "I'm sorry Rashid, what am I suppose to see?"  
  
Rashid took the image holder from him and looked at the pictures himself before answering. "It was Koeran's height and age. They were over four years different in age." Trowa nodded, but his face still held a confused look. "Koeran resembles Quatre's father very much. I knew when he arrived that Quatre would instantly be attracted to him; he desired the love of his father, no matter how he had to make is mind think he'd get it."  
  
Trowa took the image holder back and compared the image of Koeran, and the one he'd seen of Quatre's father, the one that had stood on Quatre's desk, a testament to the lies of his childhood. Then he saw them; the similarities were staggering when he knew what to look for. Both were tall, much taller than Quatre both had sand-brown hair, and strong blue eyes. But it wasn't the way Koeran looked, but more like how he held himself in the pictures. Straight and tall despite his height, he stood strong, proud, and so had Quatre's father.  
  
"So Quatre desired Koeran because he was very much like his father."  
  
"No Master Trowa, you misunderstand. Quatre was indeed attracted to Koeran, but I think only partially because of that. From what he's told me about his past relationship with his father, I doubt Quatre would have ever gone with Koeran if he'd been anything like his father. But Koeran was kind, very gentle and quiet, he was very much like you are. He talked rarely, except when spoken too, and yet when he and Quatre were together, out of earshot of the group, they would often be seen laughing and talking a lot. If I had to make a connection though, I'd say you are quite a bit like Koeran was, not as tall, not as talkative, but very much like him.  
  
"When we first saw you, the rest of the Maganacs and myself wanted you to stay. After Koeran's death, Quatre fell into a very deep despair. We had to force him to eat, and he rarely talked to anyone except those he was fighting, and that was only to warn them to stay away or he'd have to kill them. When he first saw you, it was a complete change. Quatre was very much like the young master we knew and had grown to love as our own. Even after you left-and believe me, we debated going after you and dragging you back-Quatre still seemed relatively close to how he'd been before his death."  
  
Trowa nodded; he understood. He'd felt the same way about Quatre. Catherine had told him, when he'd first returned to the circus, that he was much more talkative, and even seemed a little happy. At the time he'd thought her over reacting since he'd still not come to terms with his feeling towards the blond now residing in his arms. But he had to wonder if he'd been a replacement for Koeran; had Quatre needed someone so badly after his death that he'd found the first person that looked remotely like him and latched on for comfort? He shook himself of that thought. Quatre's journals had posed the same question, and Quatre had already rebuffed it. Perhaps the attraction was originally what had endeared him to Quatre, but it wasn't what held them together; it wasn't what caused the love between them to blossom. He had to try to remember that; Quatre may have loved in the past, but his love was for him now, and in the future.  
  
"I told you I've read Quatre's journals." Rashid nodded. "I know that Quatre thought Koeran treated him with great kindness and love, but I also know that Quatre was starved for attention. So I ask you-as impartially as you can-did Koeran treat Quatre well? Did Korean truly love him?"  
  
There was no hesitation, no pause to think, "Yes. Koeran loved Quatre; as much as two boys as young as they were could and perhaps even more than most adults. Koeran took care of Quatre, often guiding him through the relationship. Everything Quatre had been taught up to that point was to hate and destroy the type of relationship they were building; it was very, very difficult for him to try to accept it, even though he wanted to. Koeran would have to tell him all the time that it was all right that they hold hands together, or even sit together. I know that does not seem like the Quatre you know now; now he is very demonstrative about his feelings towards you, but back then he was still very afraid. There was a point in time when even Koeran did not think they could survive Quatre's guilt. I had to sit Quatre down and try to explain that with the Maganacs he was not considered dirty or disgraceful to be seen with Koeran. It was extremely hard for him. But as I said, Koeran was gentle and kind, and eventually, that won out over the pain of his past."  
  
Trowa nodded his understanding before looking at Quatre who lay sleeping on his chest, still locked tightly in his grip. "I always knew that Quatre had once been with another. I never questioned that, but I never asked about it either. I guess I assumed that Quatre's first relationship had not been something grand, since he never talked about it with anyone; but now I know differently. It's-hard to think that he was in love with someone before me. I suppose that's being selfish."  
  
"Not at all, Master Trowa. It is difficult to know that the ones you love loved others before you. My wife had a husband before me that was killed in a raid. She spoke very little of him, but when she did, it was with such fondness that I often felt threatened by a dead man. But when she found out my feelings she scoffed at me, telling me that while she'd loved in the past it was the past, and now, she loved me. It was a simple explanation, but since she said that, I have never felt threatened again. Sometimes it's only in the knowing that those we love, love us back; everyone needs reassurance once in a while."  
  
Trowa smiled at him, letting the older man know he'd understood his point. It did make sense, and he knew it to be true. Quatre loved him, always would love him, they'd only just the other day figured it out.  
  
"It's late Master Trowa. I'll leave you now. With your permission, I'd like to speak with him when he wakes up."  
  
Trowa nodded, "I'll call when he's awake fully."  
  
With that, Rashid stood, and moved to the door panel. "Trowa?"  
  
Startled by the lack of 'Master', he looked up, "Quatre has been like a son to me since almost the moment we met. If I'd thought he'd have been interested, I would have suggested he marry one of my daughters. And before Koeran came, I'd even thought about suggesting one of my willing sons. He is family to me, family where blood does not matter. The child of my heart." And then he was gone, leaving behind a sense of peace Trowa knew Quatre could feel completely. 


	14. Chapter 13

The first thing he noted was the fact that he was very warm, the second was that whatever he was lying on, was very lumpy.  
  
Quatre opened his eyes carefully; he'd been surprised once too often over the last few days; he was being cautious. The beautiful sleeping face of Trowa greeted him. Then he remembered the dream, being scared, calling for Trowa, and him being there. Trowa had come to him without question, had only come and comforted him. But what else did he expect? Trowa loved him.  
  
Love. It took on a new meaning now. Before it had been something with conditions and strings attached to it, but now it was free, beautiful and open, allowed to soar to new heights. He could feel Trowa through the link, and he knew Corinne was too exhausted to be maintaining his shields. So he stretched, allowed the link to flare to life, allowed Trowa's love for him to pass into his stream of consciousness. It was the most beautiful and heart-warming experience he'd ever felt. It was everything he'd been searching so desperately for-unconditional love.  
  
Closing the link so only a soft glow emanated from it, Quatre sat up on Trowa's chest and looked at his lover closely, examining perfections and flaws. Trowa needed to shave, that was the first thing that came to his mind, and he had to laugh. Lightly he ran his finger over the two-day stubble and smiled warmly. Trowa was so meticulous about this facet of their lives. He'd even gone so far as to prohibit Quatre from attempting to grow facial hair. "No Quatre, lions have hair on their faces, apes have hair on their faces, but my lover will not." It had been a joke, but Quatre had known he was also very serious. It made him laugh to remember the time Trowa had returned from a long trip, and Quatre had greeted him by rubbing their cheeks together, he having grown a slight stubble just for the occasion. Trowa had laughed, and then in good humor, refused to make love to him until he'd shaved. He was sure he's set some kind of record with a razor that night.  
  
The next thing he noticed was his bangs. They fell lightly off his face, forced down by the laws of gravity. He touched the tips and then traced the lines down from root to tip. "Mine." He said the word without thinking, but it felt so right, not possessive, just reaffirming what he already knew.  
  
Running his fingertips over Trowa's face, Quatre spoke the word over and over, at every new part he touched. Nose, eyelids, mouth, ears, everything he claimed, needing to remind himself of what was his, what belonged to him, and more importantly with him. Trowa.  
  
"I believe it's called a chin, but if you like 'Mine' better, I'll see what can be done." The voice was deep, still laced with sleep; Quatre didn't notice.  
  
"Trowa! You're awake!" Letting his arms fall from beneath him, he sunk back onto Trowa and lay there, letting his hold on him tighten.  
  
"Hn, what time is it?"  
  
"I don't know; it doesn't matter. Did you sleep well? I can't imagine how you could with me lying right on top of you like this; are you sore?"  
  
Trowa chuckled, "I'm fine, Quatre; you're not that heavy. An old trick I learned from a man that used to lie on nails for credits-distribute the weight, and you won't feel a thing. Besides, I like having you on top of me."  
  
"Oh Trowa, you silly, you like me beneath you too!" They both laughed-such a joyous sound.  
  
Then Quatre sighed a deep sigh and lifted himself off Trowa. "I suppose I'll let you up, but only long enough for us to move this somewhere more comfortable." He knew his eyes held a look of desire laced need, and as he looked, so did Trowa's.  
  
Pulling his tall lover up, Quatre made to move them towards the bedroom, but Trowa's sudden grip about his waist knocked him off balance, and he went crashing back onto the couch, resting in Trowa's lap. "Trowa?"  
  
But Trowa only shook his head. "We did this last time, Quatre, and believe me, there isn't anything I want more than to see you writhing in pleasure beneath me, but we have to talk first. However much you'd like, but I want you to talk with me for a little while."  
  
He felt trapped for almost a second, and he could tell that Trowa had seen the flicker of fear cross his face, but the soft glow from the link called to him, reminding him that Trowa could be trusted; because love was now unconditional. Trowa would love him even if he never said another word; it was the new meaning of love.  
  
Allowing the initial fear to pass, Quatre adjusted in Trowa's lap and then settled in for the long discussion he knew would take place. He kissed the underside of Trowa's chin. "You know, I think I like calling it 'Mine' better. I think we should just change your name to 'Mine' and then we wouldn't have to worry about it anymore." He smiled brightly at Trowa's concerned look. "It's alright Trowa, I'm only playing around. We can talk about anything you want; I don't mind. Whatever's bothering you-"  
  
"How about what's bothering you. Why don't you tell me." A statement, not a question.  
  
Quatre nodded his head and thought for a moment. He felt no reservations about telling Trowa anything; he just didn't know where to start, where to begin a tale that was his entire life.  
  
"Um, Trowa, there's a lot you don't know that I want to tell you; maybe we should narrow it down a little."  
  
Trowa nodded, and then said quietly, almost as if he was afraid that he'd reject the question, "Tell me about Cijen."  
  
Cijen. Her name still hurt, stung at his heart, but a flare from the link calmed his nerves; it was Trowa. He may not trust anyone else, but he could trust Trowa; with anything. Love.  
  
"Where should I start with Cijen? She's been such a huge part of my life. I guess I could start at the beginning. She was nine when I was born; she's only nine years older than I am. Hard to believe isn't it?"  
  
Trowa nodded his head, and Quatre could tell he was afraid to talk, to break the spell he thought he was under. Quatre wanted to dispel his fears, but knew that only time would do that. Until then, he'd just have to make Trowa understand that things were different now; they had the new kind of love.  
  
"I guess.it's been hard for me.I'm not sure how to explain it."  
  
"Take your time, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"Oh Trowa, I know that. Trust me, I've figured out you're here for keeps." He wrapped his arms about Trowa's neck and held him close, delivering a soft kiss below his ear. Whispering he said, "I know this has been hard for you Trowa, and I'll do whatever I can to make this easier now. I want you to try and believe that things will get better. I just-"  
  
The movement was quick, and Quatre barely had time to react as Trowa turned his head quickly to catch a soft and passionate kiss. Tongues met and played in the valley forged between them. It was an act of both need and comfort, reminding both of them that they were truly together now, no conditions, no blocks, just together.  
  
Long moments later, they broke apart, both slightly breathless, and gazing into each other's eyes. Quatre broke the silence first, "I love you, Trowa."  
  
"I love you too, Quatre. More than you'll ever know."  
  
A cheeky grin fell across his face, "Oh, I bet I have a pretty good idea." Trowa grinned.  
  
"Tell me more."  
  
He sighed, collecting himself, before trying to continue where he thought he'd left off. "Well, Cijen and I were very close. I know you've read my journals, and you understand how close we were as children-well, I was a child anyway. In a lot of ways she was more of a sister to me than any of the others. Growing up, I hardly knew any of my sisters; it's only been recently that I've even met some of them face to face. But Cijen and I were always close, as close as could be. It was wonderful to have someone to talk to; and even though she didn't always understand, she listened, and that was enough.  
  
"Cijen never actually said she thought my choices were acceptable; she just allowed for them. Would you like an example?" Trowa seemed stunned that he'd talked as much as he had; he didn't appear as if he wanted to press his luck. Quatre pressed forward. "When my father would beat me.I usually didn't leave the house for weeks-until the bruises healed enough to be considered my own recklessness. So Cijen would play games with me; endless hours of one board game after another. We must have played cards for eight days straight once, but she never complained, never asked me to find someone else to amuse myself with. When the pain was exceptionally bad, when it hurt even to lie in once place, she'd hold my hand or touch my face and just talk to me; making me focus on her words instead of the pain. She didn't know that I'd really be focusing on her emotions, on the love she felt towards me. I never told her, I didn't know how to explain it back then. She held me together for so long Trowa, she was all I had to hold onto."  
  
His voice faded, and he clung to Trowa, needing to feel reassured as he spoke such dark words of love and friendship. He rested his head on Trowa's shoulder, and listened to the beating of his heart; it was such a reassuring sound.  
  
"Are you alright, Quatre?"  
  
"I'm fine. It's just hard.to talk about Cijen. She's still something I'm not sure about myself. I still don't know what really made her turn against me. When we were younger-well when I was with the Maganacs, she came to visit me. She met-" Suddenly he felt self-conscious about mentioning Koeran to Trowa. He still didn't know how Trowa had taken his confession from the night before, and he didn't know how Trowa would receive Koeran's name into the conversation. He needed to find out first.  
  
"Trowa?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"I-that is-how would you feel-can I.oh forget it. Trowa I need to just ask you this, and I need you to tell me the truth, alright?"  
  
He could feel Trowa tense at the question, preparing himself for anything. At his partner's nod, he continued, hesitantly.  
  
"I want to talk about Koeran. There are a few things you might like to know. But I don't want to talk about him if you're uncomfortable with him as part-"  
  
"Quatre, we can talk about whatever you'd like."  
  
"Trowa, I know you'd listen to me, that's not what I mean. I-I know that you can handle all types of things I didn't want you to have to, and that I kept from you. I thought I was protecting you and never realized that I was hurting you more than you knowing would ever have hurt. But I still feel a need to protect you, and I can't see that as being bad. I love you, and with love comes this need I feel to take care of you. I need to know that if I do talk about him, you won't get upset, or worse, that you'll get angry but won't tell me. We need to figure out a way to be honest with each other about how we feel about things." Sheepishly he finished, "I'm not sure I can block any negative emotions coming from you right now; I'm still a little.weak."  
  
"We can talk about him. I'm not sure what my feelings toward him are. I think there's some jealousy, but mostly I'm grateful to him for taking care of you when you needed someone. I suppose I'll always wish that I was the one, but I have to remember that we didn't even know each other then. It's hard to think of you loving someone else, even if it was a long time ago."  
  
True to his words, gratitude and jealousy slipped through the link. But Quatre knew he himself felt the same way towards Catherine, and he told Trowa.  
  
"Jealous of Catherine? She's my sister, or as close to one as I've ever had."  
  
"I know that, but it's the same thing. She took care of you when you needed her too, and there are times I wish we had known one another so I could have been the one. But you're right, it's a silly notion, and we both have to remember that the people that loved us in the past shaped us into who we are now. For that I will always be grateful to Catherine."  
  
"And I to Koeran." His voice held every note of sincerity and Quatre smiled in response.  
  
"Are you sure you're alright with it Trowa? We could always talk about him later."  
  
"No, go ahead. I have to admit, I'm curious."  
  
Nodding his head, Quatre continued. "Cijen, she came to visit me while I was with the Maganacs. It wasn't long after Koeran and I had first gotten together, and I was still very.very nervous about other people knowing about us. It wasn't as if I was scared, but more like I didn't want anyone to think less of me, like my father and family had. But Cijen came, and before I knew it we were sitting having dinner. At the time she was twenty-three and very mothering towards me; most people would have found it stifling, but I never had a mother, and Cijen was an excellent stand in.  
  
"So as I said, we were sitting down for dinner, which is a communal affair in the camps. I'd been avoiding Koeran while Cijen had been with me, and he seemed to have taken the hint. However, my sister did not." A smile stole over his face, "He was sitting across from me. I'm not sure how she figured it out-she told me mother's intuition-but in front of the entire group she said, 'Quatre, will you please tell me why your boyfriend is sitting all the way over there?' Now it's priceless, but then, well, I was very concerned. But Cijen didn't take any notice, only walked right over to Koeran and made him come and sit with us for the rest of dinner. She liked him very much." Again his voice trailed off as he remembered the look on Koeran's face when Cijen had brought him over to eat. He'd looked apologetic, and also stunned beyond belief, they'd both been stunned by Cijen's discovery of them.  
  
"Then Cijen approved of Koeran?" Trowa's voice was quiet, trying to hide what the link wouldn't allow to stay hidden.  
  
"Trowa, Cijen was very happy for me, that's true, but I don't think that her hostility towards you or even me has anything to do with whether she approves of you or not. It's hard to explain, but I think if she weren't so angry with me, she would have accepted you with open arms. I really believe that."  
  
He nodded. "But it doesn't matter. Her lack of acceptance of me is hurting you-"  
  
"But don't you see, Trowa? That doesn't matter anymore. It does in the sense that I'd like all of my sisters to be just as in love with you as I am; but their opinions don't matter all that much. I do wish Cijen was happier for us, but that doesn't seem like it's going to happen any time soon. I want you to understand that even if she doesn't-even if she never approves of you, I will always love you. I will always need you with me. All that matters is that you approve of me, that you still want me; as long as that's the case, as long as we're still together, nothing else matters."  
  
Trowa seemed to reflect on that a moment, and while he thought, Quatre rested against him, loving the warmth and peace he now felt in his lover's arms. It was so different than it had been, so inviting instead of a chore he'd had to perform.  
  
"What happened the rest of Cijen's visit?"  
  
"Well, she made a royal nuisance of herself, always touching stuff." He smiled to let him know he was kidding. "But I think the most important part was that she let me know in small ways that she was happy that I'd finally found someone. The dinner episode was only one example; there were others. Like when she'd refused to dance until Koeran and I did first, together. They were small things that added up quickly, and made me feel more at ease around both Koeran and her."  
  
"Did you ever tell her you were lovers?"  
  
He paused, "No. I never had that type of courage. Even when Koeran and I did become lovers, I made him promise to tell no one. I wasn't ashamed; that isn't the right word for it. It was as if I wanted the world to know, to understand how happy we were together, but at the same time I was so afraid that my father would find out and hunt me down, maybe even take Koeran away from me. The fear seems irrational now in hindsight, but back then, I was sure my father could do anything, even make Koeran feel disgust towards me."  
  
He felt Trowa's arms hold him more securely. Then he thought of something that Trowa had to know. "Trowa, I never wrote this in my journals; I didn't write much of anything in them after-after ZERO." He paused, trying to push the memories of Trowa's Mobile Suit blowing up before his eyes.  
  
"Shhhh, Quatre, it's all right." He didn't realize he'd started shaking.  
  
"I-I told my father about you.before he died." He didn't need the link to let him know Trowa was stunned.  
  
"What.did he say to you?"  
  
Quatre pushed the pain away, "I told him that I'd met someone, a pilot of another Gundam. I told him your first name, and I remember thinking that at least I'd told him that, that I'd felt enough towards you to lose you to him. I know it sounds strange, but up until yesterday, it all made perfect sense to me.  
  
"He was, needless to say, extremely upset. He accused me of fighting and killing innocent people to pick up guys. I have to admit, it was even a funny idea at the time, thinking of going up to you, both of us in our Gundams and asking you to have dinner with me. I nearly laughed hard enough to cry when he said that." He paused and snuggled closer to Trowa.  
  
"I find some measure of happiness knowing that he died with the knowledge that I defied him to his death. That doesn't sound very much like me, does it?"  
  
"No, but I think I understand."  
  
He nodded, "I didn't take his death as a loss, more like a release. So many of my sisters, including Cijen, thought that I went crazy because of Father's death, but in reality I was more upset about the colonies' betrayal; that they'd turned their backs on us yet again. I'm sure that there is a part of me that still loves him, a part that I've completely ignored; and no doubt Corinne will find it and I'll be a weeping mess. But I just don't see it; I can't feel anything from his death except relief. Does that seem strange to you Trowa, do I sound sicker than I thought I was?"  
  
Trowa shook his head. "I think that under the circumstances, if you have enough love left in you not to hate him and curse his name at every turn, then it doesn't seem strange at all."  
  
Quatre nodded his head and ran lazy fingers over Trowa's buttons. "Thank you Trowa, for saying that. It means a lot."  
  
"It's true, Quatre. I would not have had the ability to forgive him for what he'd have done to me, if I were in your place."  
  
He sighed, "I think perhaps my sisters are most angry at me for not feeling a sense of sadness towards my father's death. Even Cijen, while she hated Father for the things he did to me, she also loved him very much. I think it hurt her deeply that I couldn't forgive him even in death."  
  
"I don't know how she can blame you."  
  
"You've only seen a negative view of my father, but in reality he was a very kind and gentle man. He was the best thing that ever happened to the colonies, and his message of peace held the masses together after Heero Yuy's death. He loved my sisters very much, and I think now-after having time to think on it-he loved me as well. Perhaps after twenty-nine girls he had no idea how to raise a boy; I'm not sure, but I do know that he tried to make me a man, only to push me away later when it didn't work the way he wanted. But Trowa, he was good. I wish sometimes that he'd been kinder, more understanding with me, but he wasn't, and as long as so many people morn his death, then maybe my voice in the crowd isn't missed as much."  
  
"I suppose I don't have your compassion."  
  
"Trowa, you have all the compassion I need, and then some." He hugged Trowa, and allowed their lips to meet, invoking a slight moan from both of them. He smiled and then leaned into Trowa, their noses touching, "Maybe we've talked enough for a while. I think we should take a break from all this revealing and disclosing and find something else to do, don't you agree?"  
  
Trowa didn't say a word instead, he pulled Quatre to him and locked their mouths together in a searing kiss. Hands moved everywhere, and Quatre felt a fire deep inside of himself ignite. He wanted Trowa badly, to show him he loved him, to receive love in return. It was one thing to say 'love' and another to enact it.  
  
"Trowa, I want to make love to you. I want to feel you inside me, all around me, everywhere." They moaned together at his words, and deepened the battle of their lips.  
  
Shifting his position, Quatre straddled Trowa's thighs and settled on the tops of his knees. Not leaving the delicious warmth of Trowa's mouth, he ran his hands up and down his lover's chest. Sensitized flesh rubbed against soft, dark blue silk; Trowa's breath caught in his throat, and Quatre took the advantage. Tongues caressed and explored surroundings they had not ventured in far too many hours.  
  
Pulling away, Quatre rained feather light kisses across Trowa's face and neck; pausing to lay his tongue across some particularly delicious spots. His hands worked lightly into the muscles at the back of Trowa's neck. Purring like a large satisfied kitten, Trowa leaned into the touches, reveling in the feel of his hands.  
  
With practiced ease, Quatre drew Trowa's mouth back to his, joining their bodies in a mock display of what was to come. Trowa's hands found life then and pulled Quatre from his knees, flush up against him. Both men cried out at the contact, and Quatre found himself overcome with need.  
  
Frantic with a sense of purpose, he drew the buttons from their holes, laying open the blue silk, and exposing the smooth flesh beneath. With abandoned passion, he attacked. Pulling away from Trowa's mouth he dropped open-mouthed kisses all along the long expanse of well-defined chest muscles. Taste and texture, all the things he loved and had somehow forgotten over the last few months. Even when they'd made love a few days ago, it hadn't been right; it wasn't the same as it should have been. But now it all seemed so right, so perfect.  
  
Trowa's hands ran up his spine, and he couldn't help but arch closer to his lover, abandoning his chest as Trowa's hands reached up into his hair. He sighed and let skilled fingers work magic into his body. Pass after light pass, Trowa laid loving strokes through his hair, careful to work through any tangles he found in the blond perfection. Quatre rubbed his cheek across Trowa's shuddering as their day old stubble caused friction to set them both into soft chuckles.  
  
"Trowa, if you say we have to shave before finishing this, I may have to kill you."  
  
Laughing, Trowa shook his head, "I think this once we'll make an exception to the rule."  
  
"Good, I promise to make it all up to you." Trowa only moaned softly in reply.  
  
Their mouths met again, and with a much slower tempo, they allowed for soft passes and quiet sighs of contentment. Hands found each other and locked into themselves, proving yet again that they were a perfect fit.  
  
For a long time they sat like that, allowing the exploration and reveling in the discovery of one another yet again. Quatre knew he'd be long dead before he ever became tired of these sweet moments when time stood still, and all that existed was Trowa.  
  
So much of these past few months had been spent avoiding his lover, and now all he wanted to do was dive into him, to be surrounded by the emotions he knew resided below the cool surface of his long time love.  
  
Twisting his body, Quatre pulled Trowa atop him and gently pushed away from bruised lips. He smiled at him, watching the desire dance dangerously in his eyes. Trowa understood; this wasn't like the other night, it was different, it meant more. Their coupling before had been of sheer desire to stall Trowa's search into Quatre's problems, and likewise Quatre not to have to examine his own. But it was so different now, so completely opposite from what it had been only a day before.  
  
It was a new love, a new way of seeing what they were to each other and to themselves. It called to be completed, to allow for this physical manifestation of itself to be performed, almost a seal on a deal. It made the love real, made it complete in all aspects of their lives.  
  
"It'll be different tonight, Trowa. I don't want to rush this. I'm not even sure I want it to end, ever. I've missed this-you and I, together without limits. I-I wasn't sure we'd ever get back to this place."  
  
"But we have, and you and I are together now, more so than we've ever been before. This will be special, Quatre. One for your journals." A sexy smile crossed Trowa's face, and he felt the returning smile on his own.  
  
Again their lips met, and with them, hands pulled at clothing. Never breaking contact, Quatre stripped his beloved of the blue shirt that stood barrier to the meeting of his hands and marble hard flesh. Once gone, his hands kneaded the muscle beneath the blood-warmed skin. He again felt Trowa's breath catch as his fingers made contact with the small pebble of flesh; with soft touches that barely existed, he rolled the bundle of nerves, doing his best not to show his own labored breathing.  
  
Trowa's pleasure seeped through the link, and it was all Quatre could do to keep from being overwhelmed by it. Bright tendrils of need streaked across his mind, sweeping him along, heightening his own pleasure. A sudden flash of inspiration caught his attention, and he pulled away from Trowa's mouth to give his idea voice.  
  
"Trowa, let me path with you. It won't be difficult, since I'm having trouble maintaining the shields anyway. You'll get to see and feel everything that I do when we're together. It's like nothing I could ever describe to you. Will you let me try?"  
  
Trowa paused for a moment, examining this own perceptions of the link. Still breathing hard, he asked, "Are you sure you can? You already said you're almost drained completely."  
  
"I can handle it. In fact it'll be easier than trying to fight the link and keep it closed. It may overwhelm you at first, but you should adjust quickly. May I try?"  
  
Giving a hesitant nod of his head, Trowa agreed and rested on his elbows above him, waiting for something he'd never experienced before.  
  
With gentle caution, Quatre reached for the link and pushed, opening it completely. He drew in a deep, sharp breath as he felt the full impact of Trowa's desire and need surround him in all its colorful glory. Then he was reaching, looking for the way that would lead him directly to Trowa, and solidifying the path. After a few moments of searching, he called out a faint warning to Trowa to be ready and then allowed the path to form from the link.  
  
Above him, Trowa shuddered, all the feelings this new sense of love and trust Quatre had, now rushing in and gripping Trowa tightly. After many long minutes, he opened his eyes and looked directly into Quatres'; neither one could deny themselves much longer.  
  
Abandoning their desire to go slowly, they reached out with fumbling fingers to remove all the clothing that covered their bodies. Minds linked together, the pleasure of one bounced across the link to the other, making them both shudder and moan in unison.  
  
Clothes gone, dumped on the floor with no care, Trowa stood, and pulled a now naked Quatre to his feet. They moved as one, both sensing the anticipation from the other as they moved into the bedroom and fell onto the bed, bodies intertwined.  
  
Both ready beyond need, Quatre reached into the drawer by the bed, and withdrew a bottle of lightly scented oil. With look alone he asked Trowa for permission, before receiving-through the link-all that he needed to know.  
  
Pouring the oil into his hands, he worked them together, heating the slick substance to a comfortable temperature. Then with strangled breath he ran his hands along Trowa's shaft, coating it with light touches, knowing that their combined pleasure from the simple act could undo them both before they'd even begun. Lightly he covered his entire length, before spreading his lover's long legs and settling between them.  
  
Careful to make his intentions known, he ran his finger from the tip of Trowa's shaft down to the opening of his beautiful body. Leaning up, he kissed Trowa hungrily, before nudging his finger past the tight muscles that stood guard there. One finger, and then another, until he felt through the link that Trowa was completely and maddeningly ready.  
  
Removing his warm fingers, he reached for the oil, only to find that Trowa had the bottle in hand. With equal diligence and care, Trowa warmed the oil before lightly stroking it onto his ridged length.  
  
And then there was nothing to prevent them. No lack of understanding what they both wanted, for they were truly one mind. With care, Quatre guided his length to Trowa's readied entrance. He rested his hand on Trowa's hip, before leaning over to place a soft kiss on his stomach.  
  
"I love you, Trowa." And then in one smooth stroke he was inside heat and pressure that caught the breath in his throat and caused his eyes to roll to the back of his head. Beneath him, he felt Trowa strain against him, both riding the wave of pleasure that volleyed between the two.  
  
When Trowa again strained up to meet him, whispering soft incoherent words, Quatre pulled back slightly before pushing forward again. This time he pressed into that spot-the place where pleasure and pain met in a crashing dance of craving need. He gasped and shuddered as Trowa did, both feeling the sensation together.  
  
Then it passed, but neither one would allow it to stay away long. Repeating his actions, Quatre withdrew, only to drive into Trowa again and again, each time a little harder, faster, and more frantic than the last. There was little else besides the feeling, nothing more or less than the full emotional impact of two lovers sharing the same mind.  
  
As the pace became demanding and wild, they both felt the other race towards completion, both felt the tightening of their bodies, felt it as one, until finally, in an explosion of release and true completion, they came together.  
  
For a moment, they were caught in a loop, one person's pleasure causing another round of release, before that in itself cause the pleasure to cause the release. Again and again they peaked with each other, over and over knowing what it was like to feel as one.  
  
Finally the sensations were too much, and darkness fell over them both, still locked together, bodies still joined as one.  
  
Moments passed before the blackness receded from Quatre's mind. With Trowa's mind quiet beneath him, he closed the link and sank back, resting his spent body atop Trowa's. Once the dizziness passed, he withdrew from Trowa's body before rolling onto his back and pulling Trowa to rest against his chest.  
  
Quietly he allowed his mind to process what had happened, as he stroked lazy fingers through the hair of his beloved. He dropped a light kiss to Trowa's forehead as he began to stir.  
  
"Quatre?" His voice was laced with drowsy happiness.  
  
"Shhh, it's alright. Trowa. That was very intense. We both blacked out for a moment. How do you feel? Are you alright?"  
  
In reply, Trowa snuggled closer, wrapping his long arms around Quatre's waist. Leaning his head up, he kissed the underside of Quatre's chin before burrowing back into his shoulder. His voice was more awake when he spoke, "Is that what it's always like for you, Quatre?"  
  
He chuckled, "No beloved, it's never, ever been like that before. I've sensed your emotions before, but I've never felt my own bounced from you back to me and again. I never knew it could be like that, didn't know it was possible to feel so much at once. And the end," he took a deep breath, "Never before, Trowa, never before."  
  
His tall lover nodded in agreement. "It was quite.amazing."  
  
"Leave it to you to describe it so easily, and, perfectly."  
  
Together they lay, basking in the after glow of a coupling unlike any they'd ever been a part of. Love branched from one to the other, and they snuggled into the feelings of warmth they found in each other's arms. Perfection to its most infinite power. Trowa was right; it was one for his journals. 


	15. Chapter 14

A painful buzzing noise startled Trowa. Opening his eyes, he attempted to sit up, only to have Quatre gently pull him back into his embrace. Trowa watched with closing eyes as his lover reached out with intended violence to slam the alarm clock off. He was already half asleep when he heard the strangled gasps and feminine exclamations.  
  
Sitting up in bed, now fully awake, and only covered up to his waist, he stared across the room to the wall length vid-com. In almost life-size detail, sat and stood Quatre's sisters, all looking directly at him and his fully exposed lover.  
  
Stunned for a moment, he could only stare at them before his mind clicked onto what had happened. The sound they'd heard was the newly reinstalled vid-com; Trowa had been confident enough to allow it back into their room after Quatre's first session with Corinne; they'd installed it while Quatre had been asleep on the couch. When his small partner had reached for the clock, he'd actually tripped the vid-com, answering the call his sisters were obviously trying to put through.  
  
He saw Cijen in the view stand up, then with lightning fast reflexes born from his time in the circus, he reached across Quatres' nude form and slammed his fist into the vid-com unit. However, things didn't go as he'd hoped.  
  
Startled by Trowa's sudden movements, Quatre awoke fully and yelped, scrambling to sit up. His wild movements struck Trowa off balance, and he crashed almost face first into a very compromising position over Quatre's groin. To make matters even worse, his attempt to cancel the call had failed, and all he'd really ended up doing was placing the women on mute. Then it got worse.  
  
"Trowa, if you wanted to jump me, you could have at least woken me up first, it's more sporting that way." He tried to sit up, but Quatre-who still didn't know his sisters were watching everything they did-placed a firm hand in his hair, holding him in place.  
  
For a very long split second, he considered giving his beloved's sisters a good show. Then his common sense returned to him. Grabbing the edge of the comforter, he threw it across Quatre's lap, and sat straight up, knocking Quatre over and back onto the pillows, effectively dislodging the material he'd thrown over his lap, making his actions useless.  
  
Quatre was going to kill him.  
  
But Quatre just lay there, his entire attention focused on Trowa. He held a wicked smile on his face, and Trowa knew instantly what he was thinking. He had to do something fast!  
  
"Quatre-"  
  
"Trowa." He wasn't listening, still thinking it was an early morning game.  
  
"No, Quatre listen to me-"  
  
"Trowa, if you-"  
  
"Your sisters are on the vid!" There, he'd said it, now what?  
  
Still not completely understanding what was going on, Quatre looked past him to the wall, and suddenly, his face blanched. His eyes grew wide as he stared into the picture before him, recognition stealing over his face. Then with a sharp yelp, he reached for the blanket and covered his lap. Unfortunately, the blanket was what had been covering Trowa, and with that one quick yank, he now lay bared to the prying eyes of twenty-nine females. He sighed and shook his head; it was going to be one of those days.  
  
Then Quatre noticed. "TROWA! What are you doing!? You're naked!"  
  
Instead of answering, Trowa looked pointedly at the blanket now wrapped tightly around his lover's waist. Quatre looked from his naked form to the blanket and then back again before blushing crimson and trying to hand him a corner. Trowa just dropped his face into his hands.  
  
Then an amazing thing happened; Quatre giggled. Not the type of giggling a man does at a little child, but the kind of giggling that comes from being caught stealing cookies from a cookie jar-high pitched gasps of air that sounded far too feminine to be coming from the pilot of a Gundam. Trowa lifted his face and stared. But once Quatre saw he was looking at him, he broke out into a deep and heart felt laugh that shook the bed and made even Trowa smile. Quatre thought this was funny.  
  
Sisters still on mute, and seeing everything they did, Quatre fell back into the pillows and continued to howl. Tears gathered at the corners of his eyes, only to be released as another round of laughter shook him. Trowa couldn't help it, the situation was too grave; he had to laugh.  
  
Together they roared as Quatre's sisters looked on in stunned silence and angry muted shouts. Trowa stole a look at the screen, and it seemed every one of Quatre's sisters were watching them, too surprised to look away. Tipping his head back, he roared at their display.  
  
Suddenly he felt warm hands grabbing his shoulders and pulling him face forward onto the bedspread, his very naked bottom flashing into view. This only sent Quatre howling louder, and Trowa turned his head to watch his lover laugh and acting so carefree, knowing that once he let the reality of the situation finally hit him, he'd be less than jovial. But Quatre wasn't finished yet.  
  
"Trowa, stop flashing my sisters they may see something they like." Grabbing a pillow, he dropped it over Trowa's exposed bottom.  
  
"They do look slightly interested." His good mood was further spurned on by Quatre's.  
  
His lover looked stunned at his words and then quickly looked from him to his sisters and back again. "My God, Trowa, I think you're right. They do seem interested in you. Well, we can't have that now, can we?"  
  
Before he knew what was even happening, Quatre had him on his back, his smaller lover covering him with his own body. The deep, passionate kiss took him by surprise, but at Quatre's urgent tongue he opened his mouth to deepen it further. Locked together, they ignored the women who were beside themselves and focused solely on each other. Passions ignited, and it was all Trowa could do to remember they had an audience.  
  
Barely separating their lips, Quatre spoke. "Trowa, they may notice that particular change in your physical appearance. I think I should stay right where I am; wouldn't want them to see what they've been missing."  
  
"Quatre." Gentle lips allowed him to speak his peace. "Perhaps we should postpone this for a moment; or at least kill the connection."  
  
"You don't feel like giving a performance today? Trowa, where's that professional showmanship I've heard Catherine talk so much about?"  
  
"This is not the showmanship she was referring too."  
  
Again they roared in laughter, both caught up in the mood they'd set against the distraction. Trowa didn't have to ask Quatre if he was all right he could see it in his eyes. Somewhere over the course of the last forty-eight hours, Quatre had changed. Maybe it was because he now felt that even if his sisters turned their backs completely on him because of their display, he'd still have Trowa by his side. Or perhaps it was because the sex from the night before had cracked Quatre completely. Trowa hoped for the first explanation.  
  
To his amazement, Quatre leaned over him, his face lining perfectly with the bellybutton of his love, before he grabbing the vid-com controls and pressing the mute button.  
  
Angry shouts filled the room, and Quatre leaned back, kissed Trowa squarely on the lips and then sat up, dropping the sheet over Trowa's raised anatomy. "Good morning. How are all of you this fine day?" A note of good humor resided in his voice, and it took a great deal of strength not to explode into chuckles at their flabbergasted expressions.  
  
None of them talked, and Trowa took a hesitant look towards Cijen. But the normally abusive woman was simply sitting in her chair, staring at them, no expression on her face. It unnerved him, not knowing what she was thinking, but he held his tongue, letting Quatre explain.  
  
"What in the hell is going on?!" He didn't recognize the woman who spoke, but he knew her to be one of Quatre's older, more outspoken sisters. She had graying hair and stood red faced, glaring deathly at them.  
  
"I should think, Liteea, it would be easy to see, but if you need a detailed explanation, I'm sure I could manage not to blush through the entire thing." Quatre's cheeky reply was filled with more life than Trowa had seen in him in a long time. He watched, amazed, as Quatre brought his sisters to their knees.  
  
"What in God's name to do you think you're doing?!"  
  
"Hm? Well, I originally was sleeping, but now, it seems I'm having a meeting. I hope you don't mind-I didn't dress properly-big night last night." He watched Quatre grin suggestively, and then turned to see the wide eyed expressions on his sisters' faces. "Mind?! Of course we 'mind'! How dare you answer the call dressed-dressed- " The woman was at a loss for words-Quatre filled them in.  
  
"Actually, I'm not dressed at all. I hope that's not a problem considering you did call my home number at-" he paused to look at the clock before forgoing the rest of his sentence and looking at Trowa. "Trowa, it's nearly ten am! I don't think we've ever slept in this late before." He paused again as if to think very hard about something-Trowa just watched, completely amused. "Oh wait, there was that one time.or no actually two- wait, three.you know, I think we sleep in an awful lot." Grinning evilly, he leaned into Trowa, whispering into his ear. "Well, at least we know we deserved it."  
  
Before Quatre could pull back, Trowa had to ask, "Are you alright, Quatre?"  
  
In answer, all Quatre did was wink. Trowa was very, very nervous now.  
  
"Damnit Quatre! Get some clothes on immediately! And get that-that-no- breed sex toy out of our sights!" Liteea shouted, anger flashing in her words. A few of Quatre's sisters shouted agreements with her, but Cijen just sat in the chair, a blank expression on her face.  
  
Trowa was too busy watching the women to notice Quatre's storming anger; however, be it some sort of byproduct of their pathing from last night or not, Trowa could feel the rage boil inside his smaller lover. He turned back just in time to see Quatre erupt.  
  
"Trowa," he emphasized his name, "Is my partner, not a passing phase, and most definitely not a toy and is NEVER to be spoken about that way again!" Anger raged in Quatre's eyes, and Trowa couldn't remember a time he'd ever seen him this angry; not even over the last few days. But Quatre wasn't finished. "Furthermore, it seems I've been a little too lenient on all of you. I have allowed you to believe that you have some measure of control in this situation. Let me assure you, that you never did, and you never will!" Quatre was shouting now, letting his frustration over the last four years of his life come crashing down upon his family like lightning, striking without mercy.  
  
"Until such time that I am twenty-one years old, this family still belongs in my-oh so capable hands! I control everything! Do you understand that? Do all of you understand? I control everything that belongs to this family and everything in it! That means I not only control our holdings, but I also control each and every one of you!"  
  
Not expecting it, Trowa could only stay where he was, lying on the bed, as Quatre stood, fully nude, and approached the wall vid. In Trowa's mind, he was the most beautiful image of strength and power he'd ever seen. He watched as Quatre's sisters took unconscious steps away from the approaching Quatre, and the ones still sitting leaned away. Clearly they all recognized the power Quatre truly had now; and not one of them hadn't figured out that Quatre was no longer taking their bullshit.  
  
When he was in full view of the vid, he spoke again. "Every part of me is screaming to disinherit all of you! I want nothing more than to see the pain and fear on your faces for once! I want to see YOU, begging for scraps at the table where I will sit! You think you are in control? A web of lies I've spun for you! I own this family! I control where the money goes and who gets it! If I wanted, I could give all of it to Trowa today! I could have the lawyers place it all into his name, and then when I come of age, there would be nothing to lose for me anyway!" He screamed the last part, and for a moment, in the silence that followed, Trowa wondered if Quatre would actually do it.  
  
"I allowed you to think you had power, that you had control! But think, dearest sisters," the endearment spoken as sarcastically as he'd ever heard from those sweet lips, "Why would I ever want any of you to have anything?! You who have ridiculed me, betrayed me, thrown me to the wolves; not just now, but my entire life! What makes you even think that I would allow any of you to have anything?!  
  
"But perhaps you're all thinking that I wanted to see if you could accept me? What do you think my answer to that will be?!" The sound was deafening, both from Quatre's shouting and the silence that followed as his sisters truly listened to his words and were afraid.  
  
"Not one of you stood by my side! Not one of you tried to think of me first! I've never been much of anything, especially to Father, but I am a human being! And as far as Father is concerned-come dear sisters-you all should be aware by now that I don't give a damn that our precious Father is long dead and hopefully in Hell! Why would I ever follow his will? I've done nothing but disobey him, for spite and all other reasons; what makes any of you think this is any different!"  
  
They were no longer masking their fear instead, it stood stark and open, exposing them to Quatre's angry stare. They were afraid. They were terrified. Good.  
  
But Trowa was completely baffled when he again looked to see Cijen just sitting in her chair, still with no expression on her stoic face. He wondered if Quatre had looked at her yet before he reasoned that his love was most likely doing everything he could to keep from looking at his confusing sister; right now he needed strength, not something he could get by glancing at his betrayer.  
  
"I have a question for all of you. Something that has been bothering me for quite some time." The cool nature of his voice sent shivers down the spines of his watching sisters. "Did any of you actually think that by screaming slanderous remarks at my lover, you were going to endear yourselves to me?! I'm curious! Please, humor me!"  
  
There was no noise in the room; not a sound could be heard. Sitting up, Trowa made to move from the bed-to gather some clothes-thinking this would be a very long conversation; but his movement caught Quatre's attention, and his blond lover's eyes softened just a bit as he spoke. "Trowa, sit. Don't move. I have a few more things I have to clear up here, and then we'll have breakfast." His eyes told him to do as he said, and Trowa barely realized that he'd been commanded, not asked. But at the same time he was proud of Quatre, proud of the fact that he could hold this conversation-without reservation-while he was still in the room; not to mention that he could allow his anger and frustration to show even in the way Quatre talked to him. Finally, Quatre had truly learned that he could be trusted, not only with information, pain, and suffering, but also with the backlash that it created.  
  
Quatre turned back to his sisters when he was sure Trowa was still seated. "Well?! Have none of you an answer?! Did you miss the looks or even the touches? Was I not explicit enough at the Winter party, or after when I insisted that Trowa accompany me to some of our meetings? Could none of you see how much I cared for him, how much I love him? Did any of you even care, or were you too busy counting your credits to notice?! No, I'm sure you all noticed, but I doubt any of you cared! I have news for all of you. Four years ago, I didn't matter at all, but as of Father's death, I became god to all of you! Your veiled threats and open promises of suffering have only sealed your places against me!  
  
"Now you demand my attention, demand that I bow down to you?! I think not! I will say what is to happen, and I will say how it will happen as well!  
  
"As of now, I will no longer consider any of your requests. Until I say otherwise, you are all to sit at home and wait for my decisions regarding anything and everything that has to do with our family. If I hear one word from any of you; or if I find out that you are at all plotting against me- and be assured that I will find out-I will have your names stripped from the records and your existence completely stricken from the Winner family. Do you all understand what that means? Let me be clear; you won't get a single credit!  
  
"Hopefully that cleared up this little mess we've been having. I hope that you feel this meeting went well; I'm sure that I'll sleep better tonight. I'll contact you if I need anything further. Quatre, out!"  
  
The vid-com blinked out and left Quatre standing in front of an empty wall. Trowa was sure that Quatre would collapse, he knew how painful that entire ordeal was for his beloved, he'd felt his pain through the link. But Quatre stood tall, hands at his sides, head held high. When he turned back towards him, he could see that he had a proud look in his eyes but also a defeated one.  
  
He was about to go to him when Quatre moved from his spot to the bed and sat down next to him. Not looking at him, he spoke, "I lied to them, Trowa. I told them that I'd planned the whole thing, but I never even considered it before this morning. I looked right at them and felt such rage that all I did was scream, lie, and promise to hurt them. And I meant it, Trowa, meant all of it. If they contact me, if even one of them contacts me, I may just disinherit all of them. I may put the fortune in your name and just keep it all, making it the second Barton fortune instead of the Winner fortune." Throughout it all, Quatre had not once looked at him.  
  
"If you ever decide to do that, it will still be your fortune; what's mine is yours."  
  
Quatre looked up at him then, startled to hear his words coming again from Trowa's mouth. "I guess you're right. What's mine is yours."  
  
"Will that make it easier for you? Will it help in any way?"  
  
Quatre thought on it a long moment before shaking his head. "No, I still want to believe that my family can come back from this. I have to believe that. So for as long as I can, I have to try and hold onto the hope that they'll come to their senses, let the money go, and come back to me. Even if it never happens, I have to hope it will."  
  
And then Quatre seemed very tired. Trowa watched as his love leaned into him, asking without words for a measure of comfort. He wrapped his arms tightly against those things that wished to hurt his Quatre.  
  
"We'll get through this. You and I, together, we'll find a way."  
  
He felt Quatre nod his head. Then with a gentle pull, Trowa leaned back and took Quatre with him. He guided Quatre's head to his shoulder and stroked his hair lovingly. Firm arms wrapped about his waist, and Quatre snuggled into him, seeking the comfort provided.  
  
"I'm glad it was you, Trowa."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I'm glad it was you I fell in love with. No one else would have put up with everything my family has put us through. I don't know what I would have done without you; even when you didn't know you were helping me."  
  
Trowa kissed his forehead. "I'm glad I fell in love with you too; but I'm even happier you fell in love with me. I wouldn't have been able to make it through my past if you hadn't been there to guide me. You see, beloved- together we'll find a way-together."  
  
With another nod, Quatre lay against him for a long time, soaking up the strength he needed and had lost during his confrontation with his sisters.  
  
Trowa held him tightly, knowing that Quatre was safe now, at least for a while. But in the back of his mind, an image played out over and over, threatening to undo all that Quatre had accomplished this day. That of Cijen, sitting without emotion, watching Quatre deliver his final say on the matter of the Will. He couldn't help the uneasy feeling that stole over him and traced shivers down his back; if anyone could destroy all that had been accomplished, it would be Cijen; and Trowa didn't know if she'd try something or not. He held Quatre a little tighter, trying to comfort himself as much as his lover.  
  
After what seemed like a very long time, Quatre sat up. "It's getting late. We should go eat. Are you hungry?"  
  
"We'll eat in the private dinning area; it'll be quieter there."  
  
Quatre only nodded his agreement.  
  
Together they stood and dressed, and Trowa couldn't help but notice the slow pace with which Quatre moved about the room. His lover was coping, but he didn't know how well; he wondered if Quatre would come to him; he really wondered.  
  
When he came out of the bathroom, it was to find Quatre sitting on the bed staring at the vid-com. Slowly he crossed to him. "Quatre?"  
  
"I'm just wondering if I could have done it differently, maybe better. I find myself acting more and more like my father everyday.it scares me."  
  
Kneeling in front of him, Trowa rested his head in the Arabian's lap. Light fingers ran through his long bangs; Quatre always liked to have his hair touched, and now he knew why.  
  
"You don't have to be scared. Maybe a few weeks ago, it would have been something to consider, but now, it'll be better. You have me, more so than you ever have before, and I won't let anything happen to you. Do you believe that, Quatre? Do you believe that I can protect you?"  
  
There was no answer, and Trowa's heart fell as he realized that the conversation this morning with his sisters could have cost his lover everything he had accomplished so far. He hugged Quatre more firmly about the waist, holding him close, not daring to let go.  
  
"I love you, Quatre."  
  
"I love you to, Trowa. Come on, let's get something to eat." He stood and reached his hand down to help him to his feet. Together they left the room and stepped into the hallway.  
  
Needing to have Quatre closer to him, if only physically, Trowa let his hand loose and wrapped his arm about the smaller boy's shoulders. He felt Quatre wrap his own arm around his waist, and he squeezed him closer, hoping to lend a measure of his strength. He knew Quatre was too upset right now, that anything but light conversation would be too difficult for him, so he chose the simple, something to take his mind off everything that had happened.  
  
"What would you like for breakfast?"  
  
He gave a slight shrug. "I don't really care. I'm not that hungry anymore; I just thought you might be hungry."  
  
It was like before. The last time Quatre's sisters had come, the blond had been exactly like this, listless and withdrawn. Trowa'd had to coax him to eat, sleep, and even to get out of bed in the morning. He hated seen his beloved like this; this was what he really and truly feared from those women; they had the ability to completely disassemble Quatre, and he couldn't do a damn thing to prevent it.  
  
He stopped them in the middle of the hallway and had Quatre against the wall, trapped between his two outstretched arms before the blond could blink.  
  
"Trowa?" There was an ounce of uncertainty in his voice, an ounce of mistrust. They'd undone everything! And in only a matter of minutes.  
  
"Quatre, you can't do this. You can't let them win. Please, beloved, you're stronger than they are; please remember, you will always have someone; you'll always have me." He knew his voice was pleading, knew he sounded weak. But right now, Quatre needed to be strong, and if that meant he needed to play weak so that Quatre would rise to the challenge of protecting him, then so be it.  
  
He saw the light enter Quatre's eyes again. His love would never allow him to come into pain; Quatre would push his own suffering away to protect him. He knew the game he played was dangerous, knew that Quatre was so very delicate right now. But he had no choice; Quatre could not be allowed to fall back to where he'd been; he would not lose him again. Predictably, Quatre reached out and touched his face, a slight smile on his lips-a mask-but one that Quatre, at least, thought was real.  
  
"I'm sorry I scared you, Trowa. It's alright. I'm just second guessing myself, that's all. Look," he pointed to his smile, "I'm fine. We'll have breakfast, and then see what's going on today. Maybe something fun like going to town. It's been a while since we went out and spent a ton of money!" He gave a small chuckle, and Trowa could hear the false notes in it now that he'd heard Quatre truly laugh and only a matter of minutes ago. "Don't worry so much, Trowa. Everything's going to be fine. Let's go have some eggs and that meat stuff you like so much-what's it called again?-they cook it in a pan-oh yes, bacon! We'll have that, and some eggs, maybe some tea, and then we'll go out. Doesn't that sound good?"  
  
How easily he sliped right back into it; offering comfort and protection without thought to himself.  
  
"Yes, that sounds good. Maybe we'll just spend some time together; I've missed being with you, just being with you." Trowa's voice was purposefully soft and meek; it pained him to know how much he was deceiving Quatre, but he had no choice; at least not until he'd had a chance to talk with Corinne. Once he told her what was going on, she'd know how to handle this, how to make Quatre better; she had to.  
  
"Well, come one then, let's get going." Quatre's mood had done a complete one-eighty. Now bright and smiling, he linked his arm around Trowa's waist and maneuvered Trowa's arm about his shoulder. He could feel the tears stinging his eyes. Why did this have to happen to Quatre? His angel was too good, to innocent, to be hurt this way again and again.  
  
The door to the private dinning area whooshed open at their presence, and surprisingly they were not alone in their choice for dining atmosphere.  
  
"Quatre, Trowa! Hey guys, what's up?" Duo sat on Heero's lap, wolfing down a bowl of what looked like kids cereal. Heero too, looked up at their entrance, but Trowa could see his eyes darken as he took in Quatre's smiling face; he, like Trowa, knew something was not right.  
  
"Duo! Not much, we just got hungry and decided to grab a bite. We were thinking about going into town later. Would you and Heero like to join us?" At the mention of going to town, both violet and Prussian blue eyes shot in his direction before violet ones returned to look at Quatre.  
  
"Are you kidding!!!?? We'd love to go! It's been ages since we went shopping, and honestly, those clothes you bought Heero the last time.well, they didn't last that long." His voice lended a note of suggesting that let everyone in the room know just how they'd been destroyed.  
  
Quatre shook his head and then indicated that Trowa should sit with the others while he went across the hall and into the main dining area, to get them something to eat. Trowa, hesitated.  
  
"I'll be right back, I promise. Eggs and bacon, right?" Trowa nodded. "Ok, five minutes, and if I'm not back by then, you can send a squad to come looking for me, ok?" He winked to show he was playing and then, once he was sure Trowa had seated himself, exited the room, still smiling.  
  
Heero barely waited for the door to close before he asked the question on all of their minds. "What's going on?"  
  
"His sisters got a call through this morning, to our private line. Quatre thought the com-call was the alarm clock. When he hit it, he activated the com and accepted the call." He paused, "We weren't exactly dressed to receive visitors."  
  
"Naked?" Heero-leave it to him to ask the simple questions.  
  
"Yes. Then it got worse...I woke up at their gasps, but was too stunned to do anything. When I finally reached across Quatre to kill the connection, he woke up, and I missed the kill button, just the mute. Quatre thought it was a game.he didn't realized all of his sisters were watching."  
  
"Oh no! Quatre didn't do anything embarrassing, did he?" Duo would have laughed, would have thought it funny, if it had been anyone besides Quatre's sisters.  
  
Trowa nodded. "When I startled him, he moved and caught me off balance. I landed almost head first into his lap."  
  
"Oh man. Is Quatre alright?"  
  
"That's the strange part. At first he was almost upset, but more like he'd been caught doing something.you shouldn't be caught doing; which is understandable to be discovered naked, and with your lover wrapped in your arms But God, you should have seen him, he thought it was funny! He laughed, and started to joke." Trowa paused in remembrance, and his voice took on a whispery air. "He even went as far as to kiss me in front of them." Shaking his head, he continued. "He treated it like it was a game, or even a joke; perhaps what he might have done if they'd approved of us being together."  
  
Heero took the pause to interject a thought. "Maybe he didn't know what else to do. Caught in that kind of intimate predicament, he probably couldn't think of any other way to deal with it."  
  
"Hn, maybe. But then he took them off mute and tried to hold a conversation with them. At the time it was funny. I truly mean that. Quatre was so like his old self, funny, open, and yet still kind. The way he treated them for those first few minutes, it was almost like how I treat Catherine; like a sister instead of an enemy. But it didn't last."  
  
"What do you mean? What did they do to him!?" There was so much anger in Duo's voice. They all knew the power those women had over their friend, and none of them wanted to see Quatre hurt anymore than he already was.  
  
"One of his sisters made a comment about me, and Quatre flew off the handle. I have never, in all the years I've know him, seen him that angry. Even over the last few days, he screamed at them! Literally screamed at them, and if you'd heard the sound of his voice, it was so cold, so very, very cold.  
  
"He told them that he controlled the family and them. That he'd planned on letting them think they had power over him so he could find out who really cared about him. Then he said that if they ever contact him again he'd disinherit all of them and put the entire fortune in my name, so that he could keep it all Then he dismissed them, like, like servants."  
  
"Can he do that? Can he put the money in your name like that?"  
  
"I don't know, Heero. But he seemed set on it. After the conversation, he told me that he was serious, that if they tired to contact him first he would disinherit them. I don't think he's bluffing. But after it was all over, he collapsed. Quatre nearly fell apart. He said that he was glad that he'd fallen in love with me, and thankful that I'd put up with is sisters. Then he just curled up and was very quiet. I thought maybe when he suggested breakfast again that it was going to be alright, but when we were getting ready, he started second guessing his actions. In the hallway on the walk over, he was so much like he's been, listless, and withdrawn. I used what Corinne said about his obsessed desire to protect me, and played weak and upset. You saw the results. Now he's just pretending nothings wrong. I'm not sure what to do, I have to talk with Corinne, right away."  
  
"Do you think she'll have the answers?"  
  
"She has to. I don't know what to do if she doesn't. I'm losing him, and it's not like any battle I've ever fought before. Before, if I died, it didn't matter, but this battle is for Quatre, and I won't lose it! At the same time, I don't even know how to fight in this one, or even how to plan for it. Corinne has experience in this; I have to talk with her and find out if together we can save Quatre."  
  
"So let me make sure I understand this right." Duo's voice was tight and biting. "You and Quatre were naked in the bed, and his sisters got through on the com. At first Q's ok with it, then they say something stupid about you, and our little boy blue goes nuts. He tells them they're as good as broke if they ever call him again, and then he goes to you and falls apart. Now you want to get some alone time with the shrink so you can come up with a battle plan to save Quatre. Does that sound about right?" Trowa nodded his head. "Damn, what is it with you and Heero, everything is a battle to you guys! Ok, here's the plan."  
  
* * *  
  
Duo smiled at him as he entered the room laden with two trays. Trowa stood and helped him and then together they sat down to eat.  
  
"The line was really long. We hardly ever eat breakfast this late in the morning, is it usually this bad?"  
  
Duo nodded his head. "Oh sure. You know, late to bed, late to rise."  
  
"That's early to bed, early to rise, baka."  
  
"Hey, don't call me 'baka' just 'cause I'm making you go shopping with me. Really, Heero, you could at least try to have some fun."  
  
"I'd rather do paper work, and get a paper cut doing it." There was a note of humor in his voice, but Quatre could easily hear that he didn't want to go, not one bit. Duo heard it too.  
  
"Fine then! You stay here. Quatre, Trowa, and I will go have a huge orgy without you in the middle of the mall! Trowa, how do you feel about PF's?"  
  
"PF's?"  
  
"Yeah, you know, public fucks." He said the words to Trowa, but looked directly at Heero, tempting his lover to fight back. Heero rose to the challenge.  
  
"Trowa can't."  
  
"What do you mean by that?"  
  
"He has paper work to do as well. Not to mention that back up work that's been accumulating."  
  
Suddenly Quatre was worried. Trowa had told him there was hardly any work at all, but here was Heero saying there was a ton of work to be done. He turned to Trowa, "I thought you said there wasn't much work at all?"  
  
Heero answered for him. "It isn't something that couldn't be finished in a day, but the deadlines are coming up, and there are some things that only Trowa can finish up."  
  
Trowa nodded his head. "I haven't had a chance to finish a few things. But don't worry, I'll do them tonight while you sleep, we can still go shopping."  
  
"What?! No, Trowa you need sleep too, you know. We can go shopping later; it's not that big of a deal. You should get that paper work finished, and then we can go shopping if there's time left over. I'll even help-"  
  
"NO WAY! You promised that we'd go shopping, and since you have all the money, and I have, well, comic book money, you have to take me." Duo's voice fell into a true whine. "Please Q, I want to buy lots and lots of stuff; it always makes me feel better after Heero rejects me, the baka!" Duo swept his hand to collide with the back of Heero's head.  
  
"Hey-"  
  
"See! He's always being so mean to me! Please, Quatre, you and I'll go, and we'll leave these over-worked, under-paid, no-fun, poop-heads to their own form of fun. Please!" Duo was whining, and Quatre hated it when he whined; he never wanted to see his friends beg for anything.  
  
For a moment he debated leaving Trowa's side. He felt a sudden rush of fear at being so far from his beloved; but he silenced that part of his mind quickly. Trowa wouldn't be more than a few kilometers away, and even then, there was only a phone call separating them. He'd still be able to feel him through the link, clearly, and this way he might actually get to buy Trowa a nice surprise to make up for what happened. Thinking of his sisters sent another stab of fear into his gut, but he ignored it. Trowa was making up his work along with his own, the least he could do was get him something nice. And then there was Duo; he hadn't gotten to spend anytime with him alone in a long time; it would be very nice indeed.  
  
"If it's alright with Trowa." He looked to his lover. "Would you rather I waited for you? We could all go later, too."  
  
Trowa shook his head. "It'll take me all day. I'm just worried about leaving you right now-"  
  
"Oh don't worry about that! I'm fine. Duo and I'll have a great time." He winked. "And I promise, no PF's." They laughed, and the sound almost drowned out his fears and lies, almost.  
  
"Great! So when do we leave?" 


	16. Chapter 15

"This is so much fun! Why didn't we do this a lot sooner?!" Duo was walking next to him, his hands folded behind his head.  
  
They'd been shopping now for almost four hours, and Quatre truly felt good. It was nice to be with Duo again, not for any other reason but to be together. That thought had him thinking about Trowa back at the base, slaving over mounds of work. He felt with the link and took in Trowa's calm emotional state; it was peaceful knowing that Trowa was happy.  
  
"I'm not sure, but I'm glad we did this. I'm having a great time as well." A strong arm wrapped about his shoulder, and he answered with an arm about Duo's waist in kind.  
  
"You know, it's been a while since we ate. You getting hungry?"  
  
"Would it matter if I said no? You'd just make me sit and watch you eat anyway." He smiled; how could he not? Duo was at his finest today, making him laugh at every turn. Everything was funny today. He wondered if it was backlash from the conversation he'd had with his sisters that morning. Shaking his head, he decided to pretend the conversation had not happened, at least until he was back on the base, back with Trowa.  
  
"Hey! I'm a growing boy! And besides, if you had a lover like Heero, you'd completely understand. That guy's built like a race horse!"  
  
"DUO!"  
  
Laden with packages totaling far too many credits for boys their age to have, they sat down at a small café and ordered. For a while the conversation was light, revolving around what they'd purchased or what they'd seen and now wanted to go back and get. But the sun was shining above them; a storm had to be brewing.  
  
It arrived in the form of a little boy, not more than eight, who ran into the jumble of packages that rested around their table. The boy crashed into them at top speed, and got tangled in the handles. Checking to see if he was hurt, the two pilots untangled him, and after evaluating his skinned knee, gave him one of the candies off Duo's plate, and sent him on his way. They couldn't help but laugh at the entire situation.  
  
"Good idea with the candy. I thought the kid was going to cry any minute."  
  
Quatre shook his head. "Whenever Marieminna slips while we're shopping together, I get her something nice. Little kids love surprises; and once you get their minds off the pain, they usually just forget about it entirely.  
  
"You're really great with her. I heard Lady, saying she was actually kind of jealous of how easily Marieminna originally took to you."  
  
"You're kidding! Oh no, I'll have to apologize-"  
  
"What! No way, you can't tell her I told you that!" Together they laughed some more, causing the people who passed them on the street to stare at them.  
  
When they finally settled down, it was Duo that completely sobered the mood. "Mind if I tell you something personal?"  
  
Hesitantly, he shook his head.  
  
"I don't want this to get back to Heero, got it? He barely even knows I'm thinking about it, and even then, I don't know how he feels about it."  
  
"Is everything alright?" Duo hardly ever spoke this way.  
  
"Yeah, I mean it's nothing life threatening or anything, it's just.I've been thinking a lot about something, and I kinda want a second opinion on it. You know, before I talk to Heero about it."  
  
"Sure, I'll do anything to help."  
  
"Well, hold on, it's not exactly the best question to be asking you. I don't want you to get upset or-"  
  
"Whatever it is, I can tell it's really bothering you. You know you can tell me anything; at anytime. That's what friends are for."  
  
Duo looked at him strangely then, almost like he was trying to decided if he was telling the truth or not. Then with a weak smile he continued.  
  
"I've been thinking about adopting a kid. You know, me and Heero raising a little girl. Wouldn't that be sweet? She'd have to have blue eyes-like Heero-I'd ask that she look just like him. Well, maybe with better hair, but just like him. I know this sounds really cruel to bring up with you-"  
  
"No. It's fine, just caught me off guard is all. I think it's a great idea. My only concern is how young you and Heero are." That wasn't his only concern, he felt as if someone had stabbed him in the stomach; and he knew God was laughing at his pain right now.  
  
Duo didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, the age thing is kind of a problem, but everyone's adopting war orphans now, and since there are so many, they're practically giving them away. I know we're young, but I just think Heero would make such a great father. He'd be the strict one out in public, but the girl would have him wrapped around her little finger in a matter of minutes."  
  
He wanted to cry. That was the easiest way to describe it; yet at the same time he wanted to scream, to yell at his friend for being so insensitive at a time like this. He had to remind himself that he was pretending to be better now, pretending that the pain didn't hurt as much now-for all of their sakes. He was fairly certain he could go to Trowa later, that Trowa would make it better, but he wasn't completely sure.  
  
"If you feel so strongly about it, maybe you should talk to Heero then."  
  
"Are you joking?! I can't ask Heero something like that, he'd totally flip! Besides what if he said no? What if he doesn't want to have kids with me? What would I do then?"  
  
What would he do if Trowa didn't want to have children with him? But they were talking about Duo now, not him, not his problems; he almost wished they were.  
  
"You won't know until you ask. I don't think Heero would ever deny you something you really wanted. He loves you, and you're probably right about that 'wrapped around her little finger' part; Heero's such a sucker for girls, especially blondes."  
  
"Yeah, no kidding! Man, what do you think he'd do if I somehow managed to get Relena to supply for a genetic? Or even better, if we just did the nasty and then Heero and I could raise the baby! Can you image how he'd react to that! He'd be pissed at first, and then he'd pamper Relena as much as she used to dote on him. It'd be a riot!"  
  
Duo was laughing his ass off, but Quatre could only chuckle along. A genetic, or a bed of convenience; those had been his two choices as well. He'd labored over the decision for years, trying to decide on the best one, and yet here was Duo laughing about it like it was nothing. He wanted to punch something, and he wanted to do it now!  
  
Grabbing a hold of himself, he took the dishes from their table and stood to take them to the collector. While he was away from the table, he opened the link as wide as it would go, hoping that Trowa wouldn't notice, and at the same time hoping he would, that he'd feel his distress and come for him. He doubted it. He might be able to trust Trowa with his secrets, but Trowa couldn't protect him. Help him, yes; save him, no. Trowa wasn't strong enough, and that thought made him want to cry all over again.  
  
When he returned to the table he immediately changed the subject.  
  
"The last time I was in town, I didn't get to buy Trowa something nice. Now, he really deserves something grand. I had an idea last time, and I want to run it by you before I go through with it."  
  
"Ok, shoot."  
  
"I was thinking I'd get him a kitten. You know, something exotic, with long hair, something he could pet and take care of, and yet it could take care of itself while we're on missions. What do you think?" He didn't say that if Trowa had something besides himself to take care of, he might not notice just how much he needed it. He tried not to think about it himself.  
  
"I think it sounds great. Trowa will love it. Didn't we pass a pet shop down the street a little ways?"  
  
"Yes, that's what reminded me of it. Do you think we'll find a good match for him in a pet store though?"  
  
"If we don't, we hop in the car and drive to the shelter. Actually, maybe we should start there. Trowa might like knowing that his kitten was saved from certain death by your-oh so beautiful-hands. Think of the hero's reward you'll get tonight?" He wiggled his eyebrows.  
  
"Duo! Is sex the only thing you think about?" Quatre had to admit though, it was putting him back in the mood he'd been in before the little boy had tripped over their packages.  
  
"NO! I think of tons of other stuff, like.like.like.oh hell, nope!" They laughed, and stood, intent on loading up the car and heading for the shelter. Hopefully they'd find the perfect kitten for Trowa. Quatre could hardly wait to see his face.  
  
When they arrived, the place was practically empty. They checked at the main desk, and after explaining what they wanted, were escorted to one of the many viewing rooms that would give them a detailed image and history of all the available animals that fit their description. After they'd narrowed down the view, they picked ten kittens and were then ushered into the cage area, where the animals were lifted by robotic cranes to deposit in their viewing area.  
  
One by one, they examined the kittens. Each was different in some way. Two of the kittens were Siamese and another two were Persians; the others had no formal breeding and were little more than saved street cats.  
  
Quatre was at first intrigued by the Siamese kittens; but soon found that they were less than agreeable and figured they wouldn't make very good affectionate kittens for his beloved. Next he moved to the Persians, but they didn't seem very eager to play or cuddle either, and one even tried to scratch Duo.  
  
"Oh, you are so not getting that cat!" He'd readily agreed.  
  
But after examining the other kittens, they couldn't find a single one that they liked.  
  
"This is hopeless! Maybe we should go back to town; there was that huge pet store."  
  
"No way! We have to find one here! Your sex life depends on it!"  
  
"Duo, for crying out-my sex life is great! In fact, it's better than great; it's mind blowing! I don't need to get Trowa a kitten from the shelter."  
  
"Wait a minute! You said mind blowing and sex in the same sentence," he paused to go over the conversation. "Well, at least the same paragraph or whatever. The point is, you had great sex! Was this last night? Come on Quatre, you can tell me; I am your best friend after all. And besides," he looked very sad then, "I didn't get any last night. Heero had a headache. Normally I'd be pissed, but I really do think he had one, so I let it slide. Hey, maybe I should get him a kitten here too!"  
  
"Nope, the kitten idea's taken. And Trowa and I tried something.different last night; it worked amazingly well." He smiled smugly and then adamantly refused to tell Duo any of the details. "Oh Duo, I know it's hard to take, but you'll just have to try and understand; Trowa and I just have way better sex than you and Heero."  
  
He didn't see his friend jump for the attack until it was too late. Together they rolled on the floor, Duo tickling him and trying to make him tell his secret, and he trying his hardest not to laugh and spill his guts. In the end, they sat facing each other breathing deeply; Quatre had lost.  
  
"I opened the link last night."  
  
"Opened? I thought it was always open?"  
  
"Well, it is, but instead of keeping it a one way link, I pathed with Trowa. Basically I opened a channel that allowed us both to know exactly what the other was thinking. It was incredible! His emotions bouncing through the link, mingling with mine, and then bouncing right back at him. I can't even explain it! It was so incredible."  
  
"Sounds like it. I guess you empaths have all the fun, you and blondes, I hate you all!" Duo kicked out at him with his foot, and then the two were engaged in a foot fight, both kicking, and only half hoping not to hurt the other. It was like old times.  
  
Suddenly, a horrible sound caught their attention. It sounded like a child screaming at the top of her lungs. Together they stood, and ran through the door marked "Employee Only". On the other side of the door was the kennels the animals were being kept in. They were stacked one on top of the other, sometimes five or six high.  
  
"Man, this is sick!"  
  
"We have to find that child!" There was a panic in his voice. He couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, it was the little boy from his dream; or maybe even the 'her' he had to protect.  
  
Splitting up, they worked their way around the kennels, searching for the screaming that still had not stopped. Eventually, Quatre found himself in the middle of the large warehouse type place. He couldn't help but feel disgust towards the people who would lock animals up like this. Even Trowa's lions were given bigger cages and let out to roam their wide pens. But this, this was unacceptable.  
  
Suddenly he rounded the corner and came face to face with the screaming. One of the kittens he had not chosen to view had somehow managed to get its paw trapped between the top of its kennel and the one above it. The robotic arms that moved the kennels around for viewing had just dropped it's load onto the unsuspecting kitten's paw. The poor thing dangled, suspended in mid-air, screaming its pain.  
  
Acting quickly, Quatre reached up and pulled the kennel on top off the wounded kitten's paw. Reaching back up, he threw open the doors and reached inside for the very hurt white ball of fluff. Its paw was obviously broken, and it hung at a terrible angle. The poor thing was so weak from screaming and so fatigued with pain that it didn't even fight against him when he picked it up.  
  
Cuddling it close, he moved as quickly and as carefully as he could to the exit. Duo caught up with him right by the door.  
  
"Oh man, she doesn't look good. We gotta get her to the doc, and pronto!" Together they exited the room and got back to the main counter. Once there, Quatre explained what had happened and demanded that the kitten be given proper medical attention. However, the secretary didn't agree.  
  
"I'm sorry, we simply don't have the funds available to take care of every animal that gets caught by the crane. The most humane thing would be to put it down."  
  
"WHAT?! Of course that isn't the most 'humane' thing to do! Her medical bills are no problem, I'll personally pay for whatever fees accrue, but you have to get her in right away; before it really is too late!"  
  
"I'm sorry, really I am, but the doctor has some vaccines to give today and couldn't possible see this kitten. If you'll just give her to me, I'll see that she goes comfortably and quickly."  
  
A rage so pure it rivaled his earlier display that morning erupted inside of Quatre. Why did so many people put such little value on life? Wasn't that why he'd attacked the colonies? Wasn't that why man deserved to die? They didn't value anything except themselves; they didn't deserve to be free.  
  
Settling the kitten into one hand, he reached into his back pocket and withdrew his wallet. He handed the kitten to Duo, who was currently screaming bloody murder at the wicked woman. Opening the wallet, he pulled out his credit card. Credit cards were color coded, much like the old style credit cards from before A.C. Quatre was the riches man in the colonies. His card was made from Gundanium.  
  
He nearly threw the card at the woman. "My name is Quatre Raberba Winner. My current holdings include over 879 Trillion credits. I don't care what you have to do, but get this kitten into the doctor, now." His voice was cold, so much like his father's, but it worked.  
  
She must have recognized his name because the next thing he knew, the doctor was taking the kitten from him, promising to have her fixed up in no time, before he glared at the receptionist and went into the back. By this time, the kitten had completely passed out.  
  
For the next hour, he and Duo sat in relative silence, glaring at the woman behind the desk. She was saved a few minutes later though as her shift finished. The next nurse got up every ten minutes or so to check on their miracle kitten and reported her findings back to them. Quatre liked her a lot.  
  
A little while before the hour was up, Quatre walked up to the desk and the very nice woman. "Can you tell me how many animals are in this facility?"  
  
She smiled warmly at him. "There are a lot. Mostly stray cats and dogs, but we even have a goat or two in the back as well. Since the war, there haven't been many homes available for pets, and unfortunately, most of them have to be destroyed to make room for new ones; it's so sad. Actually, that little kitten you save was scheduled to be destroyed tomorrow. Are you going to adopt her?"  
  
He'd been thinking just that, and then some. He nodded his head. "Yes, would you mind drawing up all the paperwork for me? Also any bills she's accrued." The woman nodded her head and turned to start the process. "I'd also like to make a payment to keep all of the animals here from being destroyed. I'll be sending representatives to come and collect them soon. I have estates all over the globe, and they should be happy there. My staff tends to have children, and I think they'll love to have some animals to play with. I even have a home for the goats." He smiled at her astonished face. "All life is valuable; none should be destroyed without good reason. Beyond that, I'll also make a contribution to improve these facilities and proved a shelter for the animals to play in; their cages are far too small. I'll leave the total in your hands; just tell me where to sign." He smiled and had to assure her that he wasn't kidding; he even went so far as to call his personal secretary to have her begin the process of sending people from his estates to collect the animals. He hadn't done something that felt this good in a very long time.  
  
Duo was so excited that he insisted on helping the nice woman begin estimating the cost. He insisted his background in manual labor was essential for obtaining the right amount. Duo also proclaimed loudly that even though Quatre was his best friend, he wasn't going to skimp on anything, saying that Quatre was stinking rich and could afford to give the orphaned turtles an Olympic sized swimming pool to lounge in. Quatre only rolled his eyes and told him to do what ever he wanted.  
  
Finally, when things were just starting to settle down, the doctor came out, carrying the tiny snow white kitten, her paw bandaged with a new type of cast intended strictly for animals. Gently he passed her to Quatre.  
  
"She's been through quite a lot today. I gave her a sedative to help calm her down. She should be fine; the break was amazingly clean, and I managed to set it correctly. When it's healed, she shouldn't have any trouble walking. She's very lucky."  
  
Quatre nodded his head in agreement. "Thank you very much. I know you were busy-"  
  
"Actually, I wasn't busy at all. Meredith just didn't want to come and tell me. I'd never refuse to treat an injured animal, but with so many, it's hard to keep track of the front area while I'm working the back. Rest assured, this isn't her first offence, and she will be fired for it. The most important thing is our animals; she never understood that."  
  
"Um, Dr. Tfos, I think you should see what Mr. Winner has done for our clinic." The secretary passed the doctor a piece of white paper with some numbers on it. The doctor looked confused for a moment before his eyes grew huge in understanding. Duo cut in.  
  
"Those are only soft numbers; it could totally change depending on how grand you want this place to be. But you know Quatre; he's got the heart of a lion. Hey Q, leave your number so they can get back to you if they need something." Quatre nodded and did just that. He paid for the kitten's fees, and then bought food, bedding, medicine, and toys for her. Trowa was going to be so happy.  
  
Together he and Duo walked out of the clinic, knowing that it was going to be a beautiful sanctuary for animals as soon as construction began, not to mention that each and every one of the animals were going to have a great home. Quatre had to smile as he looked down at the sleeping kitten in his arms; she had been worth it.  
  
They rounded a corner, and suddenly Duo's insane whoop filled the air.  
  
"HEERO!" The longhaired boy ran to his partner, who leaned against Quatre's red sports car. With all the force Duo could put behind it, they went crashing to the ground, tangled up in each other's arms and legs.  
  
"Duo! Get off me! Baka!"  
  
"Oh Heero, I helped save the animals!"  
  
Even from his place across the lot, Quatre could see Heero's eyes furrow in confusion. He was about to explain when the most beautiful, sexy, and astonishingly graceful image fell into his line of sight.  
  
It wasn't that he'd never seen Trowa on a motorcycle before. In fact, Trowa would often take him for rides late at night or on their days off. He loved it because he could hold on as tight as he wanted, burying his face into Trowa's muscular back, and no one would be the wiser. No one would know that through this one act, Trowa was protecting him; and not the other way around.  
  
But today was different; he could feel Trowa's concern and delight at seeing him through the link. At the same time, mid afternoon sun struck sunbeams through his hair, long bangs shining exquisite shades of brown and gold. It was all he could do to keep from running full speed into the arms of his lover. God, how he loved Trowa.  
  
Careful to walk as gently as he could, he moved over to Trowa and sat gingerly against the bike, right in front of his love. Trowa pulled him forward and deposited a kiss on his waiting lips before looking down at the kitten in his arms. Ignoring the obvious question for a moment, he spoke softly.  
  
"I finished the work faster than I thought, thanks to Heero's help. We decided to come shopping with you and Duo and followed the tracer in the car." Then he couldn't wait any longer. "You got a kitten."  
  
Quatre laughed and saw Heero and Duo watching them from their place on the ground. "No, silly, I got you a kitten." Trowa's eyes widened. "I wanted to get you a lion, but Lady Une flatly refused, so I thought a kitten would be the next best thing. I'd meant to get it for you the last time I was in town but.things didn't work out that way." He paused, remembering how Cijen had cornered him and attacked him in the middle of the street.  
  
Suddenly, Trowa had his arms wrapped about him and was sliding his small body across the bike's seat to rest more securely against him, offering comfort. "So is it a boy or a girl?"  
  
"She's a girl. Duo and I found her hurt, and we had to rescue her. That's why her paw's in the cast, it got caught under the cage of another animal. The poor thing was screaming when we found her. I'm so glad she's ok. I just had to bring her home. I hope you like her." He said the last part under hooded lashes as he gazed at the loving expression on Trowa's face.  
  
Leaning forward, Trowa captured another passionate kiss and then gently ran his fingertips over the beautiful white fur. "What's her name?"  
  
"I don't know. She's your kitten. You should name her."  
  
But Trowa shook his head. "No, I'm terrible with names, you know that. You pick one, then she'll truly be from you."  
  
Not completely understanding the logic but knowing it would make Trowa happy, Quatre thought about the most appropriate name for the little kitten. She'd been through so much; she deserved a very, very good name.  
  
"Um, alright, how about.um..well.I'll think about it. I wouldn't want to give her an on-the-spot name." Trowa nodded his head in agreement and gave him that one smile, that one facial expression, that was meant only for Quatre. He melted. Leaning forward yet again, he kissed his partner with all the passion he could afford; Trowa met him halfway.  
  
The sound of someone clearing his throat caused the two to reluctantly pull away. Quatre had in fact considered ignoring the sound all together.  
  
Suddenly, Duo's face was right next to theirs, cheeks touching cheeks. "I don't know Heero, they might just die from asphyxiation that way."  
  
They pulled apart, and Quatre glared at Duo.  
  
"Hey man, I was only looking out for your well being. Besides, you know what they say, never give'm anything they haven't paid for. And I haven't seen Trowa spend a single credit on you. Let's say we go back into town, hit the ritzy places, and then have dinner somewhere really nice. I'm getting kinda hungry."  
  
"Duo, how can you be hungry? You ate less than two hours ago!"  
  
"Quatre, I already told you, it's all Hee-"  
  
"I remember! I remember! Come one Trowa, let's go."  
  
They decided to take the car while Heero and Duo took the motorcycle; that way they could stay with their new kitten. On the drive back, Quatre confided in Trowa about the kitten episode.  
  
"So you just bought every single animal in that place and then told them you'd provide funding to make it better." Quatre nodded his head. "Now I know why I love you so much." Trowa winked at him, and Quatre felt all the love the remark entailed. Scooting across the bench seat, he leaned up against Trowa and felt his arm slip about his shoulders.  
  
"I love you, too. I'm glad you like her. I've wanted to get her for you for a long time."  
  
"I love her. I can't wait to hear what name you decide for her."  
  
Together they drove that way for a long time, Quatre leaning into Trowa, loving the way they were the perfect height for each other. But then he thought of something; the conversation he'd had with Duo over lunch. He waged a silent war within himself, either to tell Trowa about it, the pain he'd felt, or to ignore it, protect his lover from his pain. He decided to leave it, hoping the empty feeling that had suddenly stolen over him would eventually go away. Trowa didn't need to feel empty, to. 


	17. Chapter 16

* * *  
  
"How did he take it?"  
  
"How would you expect?! I basically told the guy that I wanted to have a kid, then on top of that I suggested having a genetic, and then I said that I may just do the nasty with Relena! How would you feel, knowing that everything over the last five years has been building up to one kid, and your best friend throws it in your face that you can't even have a kid without destroying yourself? He didn't take it really well, Heero."  
  
They were pulled over on the side of the road, carefully hidden should Trowa and Quatre drive by. They were discussing the day, and especially Duo's plan. Apparently it had worked.  
  
"I just feel like such a bastard. He's my best friend, and all I did was throw this kid thing back into his face."  
  
"You didn't have a choice. We needed to test this, to see if Quatre would really go to Trowa. If what you said is true, then Quatre was very upset. Knowing this, he should go to Trowa. We can only hope he does."  
  
"Yeah, I know that; it's just that.I never wanted to hurt him, you know, and you should have seen his eyes. It was all in his eyes; his face was the same-a little stunned, but easily written off because of the subject. But his eyes, Heero, I hurt him really bad, I mean really, really bad, and he didn't say anything. In fact, all he did was answer my questions like a real gentleman, then he got up, took our dishes, and came back with a different subject. But his eyes held all this pain; when I started talking about Relena, it was as if he wanted to either run or punch me. Hell, I wish I had punched myself."  
  
Heero reached around to encircle Duo's waist, pulling him forward and into his embrace. "I know how hard it was for you. Try to remember that this is how we can help Quatre. So much of this is dependent on Quatre, Trowa, and Corinne; we can only do what we're asked." He felt Duo nod his head in agreement. "We'll have to tell Trowa to be on the look out for Quatre to try and broach the subject of a child. Do you think he'll talk about it?"  
  
Duo shrugged. "I don't know. He looked like it hurt him even to breathe. Maybe he will. I hope he does. I don't know, Heero, I just don't know anymore." Heero squeezed him a little more tightly. "Well, that's enough of that; there isn't anything more we can do today. What did Corinne have to say?"  
  
Heero released Duo and sat back on the motorcycle. "Well she was pissed that the call got through, that's for sure."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
He nodded. "She called down to the main security board and chewed them out for nearly ten minutes, saying she was Quatre's psychiatrist, and she'd given them a direct order. They closed the channel; nothing's getting through there again."  
  
"Good. What else did she have to say? I know that Trowa wanted to talk to her about the sudden crash and burn of everything they'd worked on." He said it with an ounce of humor he didn't feel. His defense mechanism could hold out against the toughest OZ troops, but for his friend, they collapsed under the weight.  
  
Heero noticed and took his hand, squeezing tightly. "She seems to think that the encounter with his sisters set him back quite a bit. Corinne said something about control issues. She said that Quatre may trust Trowa right now, but because Quatre was the one who defended them against his sisters, he still doesn't think that Trowa can take care of him. It's like, Quatre has to take care of Trowa; he has to stay in control, and now he can even tell Trowa what's upsetting him, but he won't allow Trowa to get involved, won't give him that much control over him. She seems to think that people like Quatre, who've been abused as children, often desire more control than others. Because Quatre's an empath, he's able to mask the rage he feels at the lack of control and turn it into concern. Like when Trowa played weak; it tapped into Quatre's need to be stronger than him, so he took care of Trowa, pushing his own fear and anger away-it's all in the way you look at it-control that is. Quatre being able to control his emotions are in some ways the only control he's ever had."  
  
Duo nodded his head. "So what's Trowa suppose to do? Play weak and defenseless for the rest of his life?"  
  
"The complete opposite. From now on, Trowa has to do everything he can to be in control. He has to go so far as to take charge of Quatre's life. Corinne thinks that if Quatre can see that Trowa can take charge and survive it, then maybe he'll realize that Trowa can take care of him. That and she planted another suggestion in his mind during the quick seconds they were linked. Quatre should be more susceptible to the way Trowa will be acting today. It's all really confusing, but I gather the control issue stems from the abuse in Quatre's past. I'm glad I'm not him-either one of them."  
  
"Me too. But do you really think Trowa can pull this off? I mean, Trowa's been hurt, too, you know. He's always been the quiet one in the relationship. Can he really take charge of Quatre, control him to the point where Quatre will see and understand?" Doubt laced Duo's words.  
  
"I think so-no! I know he will! He doesn't have a choice. That's the other thing Corinne said. It seems that Quatre flared the link while she and Trowa were together; it was probably during the time you were talking to him about the child. Corinne sensed the link through Trowa; it isn't good."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Quatre was very upset. He opened the link to Trowa to gather comfort. That means that he's still using Trowa's emotions instead of coming to him. But the bad part is that Corinne seems to think that Quatre, in that one moment, considered that Trowa couldn't protect him. She felt that he wanted Trowa by his side, but she then felt his doubt at Trowa being able to protect him-probably from your words. That's why we left the base; Trowa wanted to get to Quatre as soon as possible. The confusion in Quatre right now, because of this dual conflict of going to Trowa but thinking he can't protect him, is leading him towards some drastic measures. Corinne's not sure what could happen if Trowa doesn't force Quatre to understand."  
  
"She doesn't think he'll try to do something stupid, does she? I mean she doesn't think he'll try to, you know, kill himself or anything." Heero didn't answer. "Oh God, Heero, he can't, he just can't! We've all lived through too much, seen too much! He can't let this end it, he just can't let it end this way!"  
  
With a gentle tug, Heero had Duo situated in his lap. Carefully, he held him, knowing there was nothing he could really do except lend his presence to his lover and hope it would be enough. They stayed together for a few moments before Duo pulled away.  
  
"We'd better get going; Quatre'll get nervous if we take too long."  
  
"Are you sure you're alright?"  
  
"No. I'm not. I won't be ok until Quatre's better and I kill each and every one of his sisters. I'm so glad I don't have family."  
  
Heero said nothing, not knowing how to answer a statement he knew nothing about. Instead he started the motorcycle and gave Duo a hand back on. Together they sped away, back towards town, back towards Quatre.  
  
* * *  
  
"Duo! Heero! There you are! We were getting a little worried about you."  
  
He and Trowa had parked the car a few blocks away from the café they'd stopped at the first time they'd been in town. They'd all agreed earlier that they'd meet at the café, get Duo some food, and then head out; it was four in the afternoon.  
  
"Yeah, I know we're late, but you know how it is; I hadn't seen Heero in like five hours we had to get reacquainted." Duo sat down and pulled Heero onto his lap, wrapping a hand around his partner's inner thigh.  
  
Quatre watched Trowa shake his head, a smile clearly imprinted on his lips. "Trowa! Don't encourage him."  
  
"Why? I think it's funny."  
  
Quatre rolled his eyes; it was going to be a long, long day.  
  
They sat for about half an hour before Duo had completely satisfied his hunger for both food and Heero's mouth. Quatre couldn't help but flush at all the attention they were getting. Finally Trowa and Heero stood and took the dishes to the collector. They were gone for a few minutes, but Quatre saw them talking; Trowa often shaking his head yes or no. Then they returned, Trowa carrying an iced drink for Quatre. "I thought you might like this."  
  
"Trowa! That was very nice of you. I was actually just thinking about grabbing something before we left. Thank you." It was an impulse, he leaned up on his tiptoes and kissed him, reveling in the feel of their lips pressed together. It was times like these, when they were together, out in public, that gave him the most joy-when he could show the world how happy they were together-in love.  
  
Quatre took the drink and then picked up the wicker basket they'd placed the kitten in so she could travel with them and still be comfortable. Trowa had vetoed the car, saying it would get too hot for the small thing. They'd found a shop that sold bags and had purchased the wicker. It was shaped like a picnic basket, only it had a shoulder strap; Trowa figured it would work just fine.  
  
"Um, Quatre, is there something you want to tell us?" Duo's voice held mock shock, and Quatre played along, liking the atmosphere about him; it was so much better than it had been, before with his sisters, and in this very place with Duo.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, I understand the height thing between you and Trowa; and I know it's a very temperamental subject with you, but um, you're not going to buy a pair of high heels to go with that are you?" Duo indicated the bag. Quatre couldn't help but laugh, and neither could Trowa or Heero. It was so wonderful to see them all laughing; it felt so right, so perfect, like this was the way it was supposed to be.  
  
Slowly, Quatre wiggled his finger for Duo to come closer, then with a great show, he opened the bag just a little to show his friend what was inside. Duo let out a huge sigh of relief. "Thank God, I mean if you and Trowa are into that sort of thing, go for it, but um, don't make me buy panty hose, alright?" It took them another five minutes talking about how while Trowa would look beautiful in a green Kimono, they were not going there.  
  
But an hour later found them in a men's shop. It was Duo who found the pair of pants first.  
  
"QUATRE!!! Oh my God, you have to see these; you're going to flip!" Half dragged, Quatre followed Duo to a corner of the prestigious shop.  
  
"Duo, what's gotten into you?"  
  
"Nothing man, but these totally have to go on Trowa!" Duo held up a pair of black leather pants. The style was designed to fit extremely tight, and Quatre had to gulp as he imagined Trowa wearing them.  
  
"You're-you're kidding, right?" His voice was weak, almost pleading.  
  
"No way. Trowa would look so hot in these. He's all legs, can you just imagine?"  
  
"Um, yeah, I don't think Trowa would like them too much; they're not really his style."  
  
"What's not my style?"  
  
Trowa had sneaked up on them, startling Quatre, who spun around to collide directly with Trowa's chest. He could have been in heaven and not taken notice; Trowa smelled so good.  
  
"Um, Duo-Duo just found something, but I don't think you'll like them very much."  
  
"What are they?"  
  
Duo held up the pants like a prize trophy. "These, T. Can't you just imagine how Quatre will react to you in these hip huggers?" Duo wiggled his eyebrows, flashing brilliant white teeth.  
  
Quatre shook his head. The pants weren't something Trowa would wear. It took a special person to pull off that type of look, someone who had a lot of power. Trowa would look hot, but his meek demeanor would clash with the style. He shook his head again. "Duo I already told you-"  
  
"What size are they?"  
  
"Trowa?!" He was stunned; these weren't words from his Trowa, the Trowa that only wore jeans and a few select shirts and sweaters.  
  
"It'll be something different." He shrugged his shoulders. "I haven't bought a new pair of pants in a long time. Don't you think they'll look good on me?" He had a smile on his face; he already knew Quatre's answer.  
  
"Of course they'll look good on you-too good! Are you sure?"  
  
Trowa shrugged again, and then searched the rack for his size. Once he'd located it, they moved to the dressing room to try them on. On the way there he'd taken Quatre's hand and led him to the waiting area.  
  
"Don't move."  
  
Stunned at Trowa's commanding words, he had indeed stood right where he'd been told, simply watching the room Trowa would eventually come out of.  
  
Sales clerks passed by and asked if they could help him, but he waved them on, never taking his eyes from the wooden doors. Patiently he waited for Trowa to emerge. "Hey Q, what do you think of this shirt?"  
  
He turned his head to the left and saw Duo holding up a Hawaiian shirt against Heero's chest, the slightly shorter boy was rolling his eyes, obviously doing his best not to kill his lover.  
  
"Don't be cruel, Duo. Heero hasn't been that mean to you."  
  
"Are you kidding?! Just for that, Heero, go buy this shirt!"  
  
"Duo no Baka!"  
  
Quatre ignored their antics and turned back to the wood doors. But the door was open, and in the doorway stood a sight from some dream.  
  
Without his shirt on, Trowa stood wearing only the leather pants. His shoes were off, and even his socks had been removed. To say he looked good enough to devour would have been an understatement. For some reason Trowa wore the pants well, eliciting a rebel without a cause look. His hair fell dangerously in his face, and Quatre found it hard to breathe for a moment.  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
Did he actually want him to speak? Was he truly not able to read the expression on his face?  
  
"Um, Trowa, you look-you look-wow!"  
  
"I take it you like them then."  
  
Quatre heard the humor in Trowa's voice and knew he was being teased. Suddenly he felt like giving back a little, he smiled wickedly.  
  
"I like them a lot; in fact, I love them on you. You look very, very, very sexy in them." Quatre had taken a step with each 'very', and now stood directly in front of Trowa. Raising his hands, he rested them on his lover's chest, laying them across his nipples. "You look good enough to eat, lover." It was so out of character for Quatre, that he saw Trowa's eyes grow huge, his pupils dilating to almost painful levels. He leaned up, and nipped at the underside of Trowa's chin. "Will you wear them out for me? I want to show you off in them?" He nearly purred, and he saw Trowa gulp in response.  
  
"If you'd like."  
  
"Oh yeah, I'd like-very-much."  
  
One pair of leather pants-worn out-and one Hawaiian shirt-stuffed into the bottom of an unmarked sack-later, and they were back out on the street. Quatre couldn't help it, it was such a turn on to see Trowa dressed like this; he seemed so.strong and tough, like he could take on the world and win. With urgent hands, Quatre wrapped an arm securely about his lover's waist, wanting the world to know that Trowa belonged to him, and only him. They didn't usually engage in such public displays, but today, Quatre felt the need to mark Trowa as his and just as importantly, show the world that he belonged to Trowa. Especially that he belonged to Trowa.  
  
"Well, where to now?"  
  
Quatre allowed his hand to slip down, his fingertips resting lightly on Trowa's hip, his palm possessively resting on his ass. It didn't escape Trowa's attention as he pulled Quatre closer to him, dropping a sweet kiss on his lips before shrugging his shoulders at Duo. Passing them, people stared at the two couples so obviously together. Quatre was in heaven- first leather pants, then Trowa's extra special attention to him-now he knew why his sisters had wanted boyfriends so badly. He pushed the thought of his sisters out of his mind almost the second it entered; he wasn't going to allow them to ruin this moment.  
  
"I don't know. We could just walk, see where it takes us?"  
  
They agreed, and together, they walked down the street, window shopping and occasionally entering a store or two. The whole time, even in the stores, he never let go of Trowa, and to his amazement, Trowa would often pull him closer if he tried to pull away to look at something, only to walk with him to investigate the curious item. He liked this very, very much!  
  
Out on the street again, a small shop caught his eye. "Look, Trowa, it's an art gallery. I've been looking for a new painting to hang in the living room. Can we go look?" He looked to Trowa for an answer and thought it very weird that he'd be asking permission; he just assumed it was the leather pants.  
  
Trowa nodded. "If you'd like, I wouldn't mind if we went in."  
  
"Great! Duo, Heero, are you coming?"  
  
"Yeah, we'll be right behind you. Heero wants to check out the next shop. We'll meet you there in a few minutes."  
  
"Sure, come on, Trowa." Together they crossed the street and entered the cool dark shop.  
  
All around them were grand paintings. The shop was small but also well stocked. Quatre imagined that it probably held a decent selection. He was surprised when Trowa pulled him towards a painting on the far wall.  
  
"We'll start from the beginning. That last shop Heero wanted to look at was a computer store; he'll be in there for a while." Trowa squeezed his shoulders but did not let go.  
  
It crossed Quatre's mind that this was one store where their relationship could result in unfair treatment. No doubt the owners were used to high society coming in and examining their wares; they weren't likely to be tolerant of the two of them. But Trowa knew this-at least Quatre thought he did-so when he made no move to separate from him, he decided to just go with it, not caring what a bunch of snobs thought; as long as they didn't say anything to Trowa.  
  
For half an hour they walked among the make-believe and surreal. They examined paintings and sculptures alike. Some would catch their attention, while others they'd pass by with little more than a glance. Some Quatre liked, and others Trowa. At peace with one another, they strolled the displays.  
  
It wasn't until their kitten started to meow that Trowa removed his arm from about his shoulder, and Quatre felt slightly disappointed at its disappearance. The poor little thing was in a slight bit of pain, and Trowa told Quatre to wait here while he went back to the car for the medicine the vet had given them.  
  
"Are you sure? I'll come with you."  
  
"No, wait here until Duo and Heero come. I'll be back in a few minutes. Will you be alright?"  
  
Trowa's concern touched him deeply-more than it usually did-he blamed the leather pants.  
  
"Sure. I'll just wait here like a good little boy while you go off and leave me for a kitten. It's all right, I understand, she is cuter than I am." He pretended to pout, and was startled out of his mind when Trowa leaned in and caught his protruding lip between his teeth. The kiss was nothing short of breathtaking, and Quatre was breathing heavily when Trowa pulled away.  
  
"Ten minutes-don't go anywhere." Quatre nodded his head; he didn't have the voice to say much of anything. He watched Trowa leave before he blushed crimson and turned back to the paintings, hoping no one had noticed and yet praying that they all had.  
  
He was on the other side of the room looking at a beautiful nude of a very tall man holding his clothes in one hand and a hat in the other. It had caught his eye the first time, and though he knew it wasn't a piece for their home, he did want to look at it again.  
  
"Mr. Winner?"  
  
Turning his head, he noticed a middle-aged couple standing next to him. They looked instantly familiar, but he couldn't seem to place them.  
  
"I'm sorry; Captain Utooll-we worked on a committee together-to restore water to the outlying L2 colonies."  
  
Recognition clicked in, and Quatre was almost ashamed of his forgetfulness. "I'm the one that should be sorry, Captain. You looked so familiar; you will please forgive me."  
  
"Of course my boy. I understand, a busy young man like you. It's no problem at all." The woman beside him cleared her throat. "Oh where are my manners? Mr. Winner, my wife, Gesset Utooll."  
  
Quatre took her hand and laid a light kiss on it. "A pleasure to meet you Mrs. Utooll. Please call me Quatre; as well as you Captain."  
  
"Oh it's such a pleasure to meet you too, Quatre. George has told me so much about you. He was greatly impressed by your skill with the other members of that dreadful committee. He was very thankful to have you on his side."  
  
"It was a very righteous cause; how could I take the opposite side? But please, you give me too much credit; your husband brought with him the entire military force, without which we would have surely lost the proposal." It had been over a year ago when Duo had brought to his attention the proposal to bring in fresh water to the colonies of L2. Duo, having been orphaned there, had thought Quatre could help; he, of course, had done all he could, and thankfully it had worked.  
  
"You're very kind, Quatre. Gesset and I were just admiring the paintings when I thought I recognized you. I hope we're not disturbing you too much."  
  
"No, of course not. I'm waiting for some friends before we continue shopping."  
  
"Oh wonderful then, perhaps-" But Mrs. Utooll was cut off by a shrill cry.  
  
"QUATRE!!!" Duo ran around the paintings, nearly running into half of them, before grabbing Quatre about the shoulders and swinging behind him, cringing in fear.  
  
"Duo, what's going on?" He was completely flustered. It wasn't that he was ashamed of his friend, but Duo had a way of doing the worst things, at the worst possible times. Quatre was beginning to understand Heero's frustration.  
  
Suddenly Duo dropped to his knees behind him and wrapped his arms about his waist, burying his head nearly between his lower cheeks.  
  
"DUO!"  
  
"He's after me! Heero's going to kill me! I didn't mean it, I was only looking at the keyboards; how was I suppose to know that the holokeys were connected to the entire store? I didn't mean it either; I was just joking around; I swear it! It was totally innocent, Quatre, you have to believe me!"  
  
"Oh god, what did you do?" He turned pleading eyes on the Captain and his wife, begging that they forgive him for the disruption; but the couple seemed stunned and amused by the braided baka's antics.  
  
"I just typed a really simple message, you know, to let Heero know I love him; how was I suppose to know it'd show up on all the monitors?!"  
  
He was afraid to ask. "Duo, just how appropriate was the message you typed?" He nearly killed himself for asking.  
  
"I just typed that I loved him."  
  
"And."  
  
His voice was very small. "And that I was going to tie him up and-"  
  
"Duo! I get the idea!" He buried his face in his hands, completely and utterly embarrassed. The Captain was never going to speak to him again, and that was only if he didn't get thrown out of the establishment completely.  
  
But it only got worse. Suddenly, Duo realized that he'd been talking with another couple, add that to his earlier realization that he was in a very ritzy art shop, and Duo was on his feet in a moment. Hands at his sides, he wore the biggest smile, and his face was flushed bright scarlet.  
  
In a horrible stage whisper, he said to Quatre, "I am-so-sorry." Quatre could only roll his eyes and pray.  
  
"Captain and Mrs. Utooll, this is my friend Duo; Duo, this is Captain Utooll and his wife Mrs. Utooll."  
  
Duo lifted his hand, most dramatically. "It's such a pleasure to meet you. I've heard so much about you both." Quatre shook his head, eyes closed, and brought his hand to his temple. Leave it to Duo to screw up even an introduction.  
  
He was surprised when Mrs. Utooll reached out her hand and shook Duo's. "It's a great pleasure to meet you as well, Duo. I'm afraid I don't know Quatre all that well, but I'm sure if I did he would have talked non-stop about you."  
  
"Well you know, I'm an interesting guy." Quatre could have killed him.  
  
Suddenly Duo was ducking behind him again. "Quatre look, I know I totally ruined this thing for you, but Heero's really going to kill me. Got a place to hide, buddy? You know what I always say: 'I run, I hide, but I never tell a lie.' I especially like the hiding part right now."  
  
Quatre closed his eyes and pointed towards the back. "There's a service door in the back. Do me a favor, though."  
  
"Anything."  
  
"Go quietly and slowly, don't kill anyone, and please, please don't tell anyone we're friends, understand?"  
  
"Go it! Not friends-hey! Wait a minute!"  
  
"Here comes Heero."  
  
"Oh man, gotta split. I'll see ya later." And with that, Duo was gone. Quatre wanted to curl up and die of embarrassment. But it wasn't over yet.  
  
"Quatre, have you seen that baka?"  
  
Quatre shook his head in exasperation. "Heero, this is Captain and Mrs. Utooll; Sir, Madam, this is my other friend Heero."  
  
Heero nodded in their general direction, continuing to scan the room for signs of Duo. "Then he was here. Where's he hiding? I'm going to kill him!"  
  
Quatre smiled a horribly pained smile before pointing in the direction Duo had gone. "He used the service door. I suggest you go find him, but Heero?"  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"Don't make a mess when you kill him, please, for me?" His voice must have belied his exasperation because Heero only smiled and gave him a nod before he was gone.  
  
Quatre turned back to the couple. "I'm so terribly sorry. I assure you, they're not always like this." But Mrs. Utooll was using her hand to stifle her laughter, and even the Captain was trying to hide a smirk.  
  
"Please, Quatre, I don't think I've ever had such a grand time at an art gallery before. You've made this mundane trip to please my wife a most joyous experience."  
  
Quatre offered him a weak smile; there was little else for him to do.  
  
"Quatre, are you alright?"  
  
And then Trowa was beside him, the wicker bag resting on his muscular shoulder, leather pants reflecting a dull sheen from the light. He was saved.  
  
"Captain Utooll, Mrs. Utooll, this is my partner Trowa Barton; Trowa this is Captain Utooll and his wife. You remember I worked with the Captain on the L2 water committee?"  
  
Trowa nodded his head before shaking hands with the couple.  
  
"Your partner? Tell me Mr. Barton, what company do you own?"  
  
Suddenly, Quatre felt sick to his stomach. How in the world was he going to explain this one? He looked to Trowa for support; but realized immediately that Trowa would never interfere with his business partners; he'd have to figure a way out of this on his own.  
  
He was about to say something when Mrs. Utooll save him. "George, not-that- type of partner." She emphasized the word 'that', and Quatre could feel the apprehension rise along with the Captain's eyebrows.  
  
"Oh," was all he said.  
  
"Mr. Barton, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. We were just telling Quatre that we'd been looking around the gallery when my husband recognized him."  
  
"Yes, quite right, I think perhaps it's the hair, my boy, very unusual shade of near white."  
  
"George! Ignore him, he has the tact of a potato." They laughed, and the tension broke around them. Quatre decided immediately that he like Gesset Utooll very much.  
  
They talked for a few more minutes, before Gesset asked if he'd be interested in seeing her choice that day. He agreed and left Trowa and the Captain to their conversation on Mecha engines.  
  
The piece was a beautiful landscape painted in watercolors. "It reminds me of something my son made when he was about your age. He was a very good painter; I always thought he should have made a career out of it."  
  
"He chose a different path?"  
  
She paused, and Quatre was taken aback to see tears gleaming in her eyes. "He died during the war. Mondal was his name, my eldest. He was only twenty-three." She dabbed at the tears in her eyes with a handkerchief he handed her. "Thank you very much."  
  
"I'm sorry I've brought up such sad memories."  
  
"Oh no, it's nice to think of Mondal painting; he always enjoyed it so much. Actually you yourself look a little like him; that's why George made the comment about your hair. Mondal had almost white hair as well. I hope you don't mind."  
  
"Mind? Of course not. I'm honored to be compared."  
  
She smiled at him. "Quatre, I hope you don't think me rude for saying this, but I've heard of your recent-shall we say, disappearance-from the public eye. Again I hope you don't think me rude, but I was told it was due to a rather public display of your partner, Mr. Barton."  
  
Not knowing what else to do, he nodded his head.  
  
The middle-aged woman sighed. "It's positively dreadful to think that man has come so far and yet hardly moved at all. The only reason I bring it up is to offer you a word of advice." Quatre looked at her fully, uncertainty in his eyes. "My son, Mondal he also had a partner, a man he was very, very fond of. In fact I was assured that once he returned from his term of service I'd be planning a wedding. George and I were both very excited, but in truth, nervous about the public backlash. I wish with all my heart that I could go back in time and offer him a little more encouragement. I think he would have liked to have known how proud of him his father and I were. We unfortunately never got the chance." She placed a light hand on his arm. "It must be terribly hard for you right now. But I'd like you to consider George and myself as friends." She gave him a bright smile. "Should we ever attend the same function again, I'd hope you and Mr. Barton would share a table with us; it'd be such an honor."  
  
Quatre could barely contain the emotions inside of him. He'd never really considered the rest of the world understanding his and Trowa's relationship, especially not after the Winter party. But here before him was one woman who would stand against the masses for him, who believed in love over everything else. His voice was thick with emotion when he used it. "Thank you very much, Gesset; I don't think you know quite what your words mean to me."  
  
"Oh my dear, it's truly nothing, only the truth. I would ask one favor, though." "What's that?"  
  
"Please don't bring your other friends." She smiled to let him know she was kidding, and together they laughed. The world was good today there was hope.  
  
Finally, after Gesset had purchased her painting, the two couples stood outside the gallery doors; both held hands.  
  
"I do hope we meet again soon, Quatre. Please take care of yourself."  
  
"I will, and you as well. Captain, I'll be in touch with you over that newest proposal."  
  
"Very good. Have a nice evening, both of you."  
  
"Thank you, good day." Trowa squeezed his hand, and together they walked down the street.  
  
"They seemed very nice."  
  
"Trowa, they were possibly the nicest people I've ever met." And Quatre was not kidding.  
  
They met up with Heero and Duo a few streets down and then continued to the restaurant they'd chosen earlier. Once again, Quatre had his hand clearly marking himself as Trowa's. There was more confidence in his step, and he loved the looks they received; they were music together, and he wanted the entire world to know it.  
  
Inside the fanciest restaurant in town, they were immediately shown to a beautiful table in a corner on the deck. The sky was just starting to turn dark, and the candles on the table offered just the right amount of romantic lighting for the occasion.  
  
The four of them had come here before. In fact they'd often eaten here before things had gone bad with his sisters. Quatre pushed that thought from his mind, focusing on the heated debate Duo and Heero were having over which fork to use first. Quatre smiled.  
  
"What are you smiling about?" Trowa's voice was hushed, mingling well with the atmosphere around them.  
  
"I was just thinking about you; nothing special." He smiled brighter, eliciting an equally as bright smile from his beloved.  
  
The waiter came then and took their orders, but it was Trowa who surprised him yet again.  
  
Whenever they came, he usually ordered the same thing, and tonight was going to be no different; he'd already told Trowa when they'd settled into their seats. He didn't expect what happened next.  
  
The waiter took everyone's order and then turned to Quatre. He was about to say the Lobster d'la Crème, but surprisingly Trowa beat him to it.  
  
"He'll be having the Lobster d'la Crème. Please no saffron, and a glass of Shavanon Seven." It was his exact order; Trowa had remembered. He smiled at Trowa before taking his hand under the table.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Trowa only smiled and squeezed his hand back.  
  
He couldn't explain the feeling he had for the rest of the meal. At every turn, Trowa seemed to stand out from the shadow he usually stood in, and was instead standing in the light, proudly displaying Quatre for everyone to see. He didn't understand why it made him so very happy to know that Trowa was doing all of these wonderful things for him, but he wasn't going to question him. It felt so right to have Trowa lead for a while. He'd missed what it felt like to simply follow. With Koeran he'd had no choice but to follow, barely knowing anything, and being afraid of everything. With Trowa he'd always been the one to make decisions. He found he liked it both ways, but right now, it just felt right to allow Trowa to lead him. So very, very right.  
  
After dinner and dessert, they chatted for a few minutes before leaving the restaurant and heading for a popular tourist attraction.  
  
The Kilazian Towers rose above the town nearly three hundred stories. They were a beautiful mark of expert architecture. He and Trowa had been to the top once, and they were both eager to visit again. The night air was chilly, and Trowa had him securely against him, offering body heat. Their little kitten was sleeping and had since Trowa had given her another dose of medicine. She hadn't uttered a sound all evening.  
  
The elevator ride to the top was amazing as the enclosure was made entirely from glass. One could see for miles round, and Quatre felt his excitement grow at reaching the top. The elevator operator told them that the Tower was almost empty because of the festival they hadn't known was in a different part of town. That suited the two couples very nicely.  
  
Together they stepped off the elevator just as three other couples were stepping on. A quick tour showed that over the wide expanse, only three other couples remained on the top floor. Splitting up, he and Trowa moved away from the rising moon, back towards the dark corner of the roof, it was easier to see stars from there.  
  
Quatre leaned against the railing, gazing into the night sky. "It's so beautiful here. I don't understand why anyone would want to destroy it."  
  
"Some people think that the Earth is nothing more than a breeding ground for suffering. In that light it's easy to see why terrorists attack it."  
  
"But it seems so wrong. People that are born here, raised here, don't understand just how wondrous this planet is. I can remember looking at it from my bedroom window, wondering what it would be like to visit, or maybe even live here. I was always jealous of Cijen; she got to study dance here; what an amazing place to study dance." His brain barely registered that he'd said her name. He felt protected here, standing next to Trowa; as if nothing could harm him if he just stayed close to him. Such a strange feeling.  
  
"Trowa?"  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"Do you feel different tonight? Like something is different, odd, but good at the same time?"  
  
Trowa shook his head. "I hadn't noticed anything, why?"  
  
"It's nothing. I was just wondering." Trowa moved to stand behind him, his hand wrapped about him, settling the palm against his stomach, his fingers brushing across his light shirt, over and over. Quatre closed his eyes; the emotions coming from those simple touches were almost too much. He'd craved Trowa for so long, wanting him to be the one; and now that he was, he wanted to constantly reaffirm that idea in his head.  
  
Strong fingers, now whispers, danced across the silk of his shirt. He took in a deep breath, hoping Trowa would understand what he was doing to him. But the added oxygen only made him even more light headed as Trowa continued to casually play across his stomach.  
  
Then he hit a sensitive part, and Quatre's stomach muscles contracted; he had to stop Trowa right away. "Trowa."  
  
"Hn?"  
  
Once light fingers became more insistent, increasing pressure against his skin.  
  
"Trowa.maybe we should walk a little." Anything to keep him from this.  
  
"If you'd like." But Trowa's hand continued to caress him, only now he was propelling Quatre along the walk, occasionally stopping to whisper some new and useless fact in his ear. Quatre was nearly mad with desire by the time Trowa had him situated in front of one of the many telescopes scattered around the rim of the Tower.  
  
Thinking this was his perfect opportunity to evade Trowa's innocent touches that were driving him insane, he looked up at his lover. "Will you lend me a credit so I can see the stars?" A small smile written across his face, Quatre watched amused as Trowa reached into his pocket for the credit card. He wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it; he, the richest man in the colonies, borrowing a single credit from an ex-circus performer; but at the same time it was nice to have Trowa do it for him. He didn't understand what he was doing, but as long as Trowa didn't seem to mind, he wasn't going to complain.  
  
With a gentle push on his bottom, Trowa had him up the single step to the telescope before he reached around and inserted the card to pay for the view. Once Trowa stood back up, he placed his hands on Quatre's hips and pushed him a little closer towards the view.  
  
The step up that Quatre had taken to reach the view had him at almost Trowa's exact height. His love took advantage of that, and rested his chin on his shoulder.  
  
His voice was whisper soft. "Tell me what you see, Quatre."  
  
A command, Quatre followed. Looking through the wide screen view, which was more like watching a vid-com, he saw thousands of stars lighting the late night sky.  
  
"I see stars, thousands of them. They're beautiful; would you like to look?"  
  
Trowa shook his head, his bangs brushing lightly against Quatre's cheek. "No, you tell me what you see; I'll just listen. Tell me what you see."  
  
Quatre giggled softly, liking the game they were playing; it was nice to feel Trowa so close to him, feel his arms wrapped about him.  
  
"Well, I see the little dipper, or maybe it's the big dipper, I'm not su-" he gasped; Trowa's hand had worked its way from his hip to once again play across the top of his pants. The silk of his shirt lended a sensual quality to the touch. "Trowa?"  
  
"Tell me what you see, Quatre."  
  
Confusion furrowed his brow, but he went with it, knowing Trowa would never hurt him-not ever.  
  
"I-I think I see the little dipper, but it might be th-" Trowa's other hand had left his hip, and was now resting lightly in the valley between hip and thigh. He turned his head to look at him, "Trowa, what's-"  
  
Gentle hands left the place they'd just come to rest before turning his head back towards the view. "Shhh, Quatre. Tell me what you see."  
  
"Trowa, I don't-"  
  
"Tell me what you see." Hands gently turned his head once again back towards the view, and Quatre took a ragged breath as Trowa's hands settled once again on his stomach.  
  
"I don't know what I see. There're just stars, thousands of stars-" he threw his head back and into Trowa's shoulder as his lover moved his hands down to cup his sex.  
  
Trowa gently chuckled in his ear. "Now that can't be all you see Quatre; tell me what you see."  
  
He took a wavering breath, focusing on the view. "I see tons of stars and blackness. Trowa, we shouldn't-"  
  
His hands flew from their place against the view box and quickly covered Trowa's, trying to pull them away from the zipper of his dress pants. "Trowa!"  
  
But with one hand in each of his own, Trowa repositioned Quatre's hands along the hood of the view. "Quatre, unless you want everyone to know what I'm going to do to you, I suggest you keep your hands right there. Understood?"  
  
Panic laced Quatre's voice. "Trowa-"  
  
"Understood?" Trowa's voice wasn't mean or hard-just commanding-not like Quatre had ever heard before. He could only nod his head dumbly.  
  
Trowa chuckled. "Look through the view, and tell me what you see."  
  
The same phrase, over and over, the same command. It was so simple to answer and yet so hard. Quatre held his breath as Trowa's hands managed the zipper.  
  
"Oh God, Trowa.we-we can't do this."  
  
"Of course we can. Should we? I'm going to anyway. Let me do this for you, my Quatre." Trowa nuzzled his ear, and Quatre felt his body stir at the emotions running through is body. "Tell me what you see."  
  
"I-I see stars-" He gritted his teeth together as his mysterious lover wrapped his warm hands around his rapidly stiffening length. A hard gasp issued from his lips as Trowa removed his shaft from its confines. His head thrown back, he almost missed what Trowa said.  
  
"Tell me what you see."  
  
Forcing his eyes open, he stared, sightless, through the view, hoping to see something and yet seeing nothing at all. "Stars."  
  
"I like stars, Quatre. Would you like to know why?" One warm finger traced from base to head, making Quatre moan in need.  
  
"Trowa!"  
  
"Would you like to know why I like the stars so much, Quatre?"  
  
He gasped; it was torture, and the thought of being discovered at any moment heightened his pleasure. He nodded his head.  
  
"I like the stars because they remind me of you."  
  
"Me?" He could barely make a coherent thought as Trowa began to slowly pump his length.  
  
"You. I want to tell you why they remind me of you. Do you want to hear?"  
  
"Yes!" Quatre tried to turn his head, tried to capture a kiss, but Trowa evaded his open mouth. His unoccupied hand gently put Quatre's head back into place, eyes facing the view.  
  
"It's because they're perfect, beautiful. They twinkle only because they want to, only because they desire to make man happy. Do you agree?"  
  
"Trowa, please!" Desperation clouded his voice; he knew that Trowa's soft voice and rough hands were going to be his undoing. "Trowa, I need-"  
  
"Do you agree, Quatre? That they only twinkle to make man happy?"  
  
"I-I don't know.Trowa." His partner increased both the pressure and the speed, and Quatre gasped and threw his head back against Trowa's shoulder, fighting desperately to stay as quiet as possible.  
  
"Tell me what you see. Look through the view, and tell me what you see."  
  
He tried to turn his head again, only to have Trowa push it right back towards the view. He was so close, and yet; a sudden fear washed over him. His mind didn't understand what Trowa was trying to do, and yet his body knew exactly. Confusion-he didn't know what was going on.  
  
"Trowa, I don't-God-don't under-understand." His breath was coming out in short gasps, and he could hardly keep himself from thrusting against the slick friction.  
  
"I want you to tell me what you see. That's what I want. It's what I want you to do. You have to tell me what you see. Tell me what you see, Quatre."  
  
Exasperated and throbbing with need, he struggled to answer. "I don't see- see any-thing! They're just stars! I just see-see stars!"  
  
Soft kisses fell across his neck, and Quatre couldn't help the thrust of his body at the contact.  
  
"Stars?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Who owns the stars, Quatre?"  
  
"What?!" What was Trowa talking about? His body tensed against the out of place question. Trowa's tightening hand and faster tempo lost him in a fog again. His body quaked, his knees weakened. Trowa's tongue slipped out to taste his neck.  
  
"The stars, Quatre, who owns them?"  
  
"No-no one."  
  
"But you're just like the stars, aren't you? Isn't that what I told you already?"  
  
Rough fingers worked like vices, and Quatre felt his eyes roll into the back of his head, his vision dancing with dark spots. He was so close, so close, and it was Trowa who had brought him here. That was all that mattered.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Quicksilver hand ran against soft firm flesh; pressure at a nearly intolerable level, Quatre wanted to cry.  
  
"But that isn't right, is it, Quatre? No one owns the stars, but someone does own you, doesn't he?"  
  
His breath had no pattern anymore, and strangled gasps were all he could manage. Trowa's words made it to his brain, but he couldn't process them, couldn't make any sense out of them. He didn't understand, what did Trowa want from him?  
  
He let out a whimper.  
  
"Shhh, Quatre. No one owns the stars. But I can't compare you to them, now can I? Because someone owns you, someone controls you. Who is that, Quatre, who controls you, who owns you?"  
  
Quatre cried out softly, shaking his head back and forth. "I don't know! I-I don't-don't know!"  
  
"Yes you do, Quatre. Who owns you? The stars don't need anyone to protect them, but you do. You need someone to protect you, to own you. Who is that? Who loves you enough to take care of you?"  
  
Quatre was near weeping; his need was so overpowering. Trowa knew exactly how to hold him at the one spot where release was in sight, but not yet attainable. "Trowa, please, please."  
  
"Tell me who loves you so much he'd be willing to risk everything to love you. Tell me who'll take care of you, who'll love you beyond death. Tell me what you see."  
  
Eyes pressed painfully shut, hands in fists against the hood of the view, his body shaking with unreleased passion, Quatre felt tears fall from his eyes.  
  
Then, with every ounce of strength he had left, he turned his head to the left and opened his eyes wide, looking at Trowa for the first time since this had begun. And he knew, knew what he saw.  
  
"You Trowa. I see you."  
  
Callused, rough fingers stroked down on him in one painfully swift motion, before encircling and squeezing the tip of his desire. Quatre shuttered and cried out, ignoring where he was, it didn't matter, he was with Trowa; Trowa would keep him safe now. He saw Trowa.  
  
Trowa's smiling face went black as Quatre's world exploded at four simple words; one simple command.  
  
"Come for me, Quatre."  
  
His body jerked once, and again he called out his lover's name, called out to the heavens, thanking Allah with Trowa's name alone. His release flooded from his body, shaking him to the core as he leaned against his salvation, his lover, his kind and loving owner. Trowa.  
  
It took a long while for his senses to return to him enough to realize that Trowa was completely supporting his weight. Long fingers brushed sweat soaked locks from his eyes, and he inhaled the musky scent of Trowa and release.  
  
Not bothering to support his own weight, Quatre tipped his head and kissed the underside of Trowa's chin. Strong arms squeezed him tightly.  
  
"You may decide: would you like to stand on your own, or would you like me to hold you a while longer?" A simple choice, one that didn't hold any consequences. Trowa had made the two choices clear, easy to understand, easy for Quatre to decide.  
  
"Hold me a while longer, please?"  
  
Trowa nodded before kissing the side of his neck, eliciting a soft moan from Quatre's lips.  
  
"I love you, Quatre. You-will-believe that."  
  
He nodded his head. Trowa would tell him, tell him what he needed to do. Trowa could be in control; he could bear the burden for a little while. He would just rest, just let Trowa make the decisions for a while.  
  
It must be the leather pants.  
  
"Tell me you love me, Quatre."  
  
"I love you, Trowa."  
  
He felt demanding lips cover his own, and Quatre opened his mouth to the plundering invasion he'd wanted all along. Trowa was strong, stronger than he was; Trowa could lead; he could take the lead for a while.  
  
On shaky legs he stood, supported by the lean body of his beloved. Quatre turned in Trowa's arms, wrapping his hands behind Trowa's back, tucking his head under Trowa's chin.  
  
"You're very strong, Trowa."  
  
"I'm strong enough, Quatre. You rest now. I'll take over from here."  
  
He nodded, feeling secure and warm in Trowa's strong embrace. He nuzzled closer, begging Trowa with touch alone to hold him tighter.  
  
"It'll just be for a little while, Trowa. I'll just rest for a little while."  
  
"Until I tell you different, Quatre. You will rest until I tell you different."  
  
He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath; Trowa would tell him when the time was right, when he was better. Trowa would tell him.  
  
He nodded his head, and Trowa pressed a loving kiss onto his forehead.  
  
"I love you, Quatre."  
  
"I love you too, Trowa."  
  
He closed his eyes, fatigue coming over him. "I'm tired, Trowa. I want to sleep."  
  
He didn't recognize that he had just admitted things to Trowa that he never would have before; it didn't matter. His mind told him that Trowa was strong enough, that Trowa was in control for now. His exhausted body told him that Trowa owned him, and for now, that was all right. He owned his sisters, and Trowa owned him, he owned Trowa, he was safe. Safe.  
  
Trowa reached down and shouldered the wicker basket. Gently, he turned Quatre around, back towards the elevator. "Come Quatre. We'll meet Duo and Heero and go home. It's been a long day for you, beloved."  
  
Quatre nodded his head, and to punctuate the point let out a very ungentlemanly yawn. He didn't see Trowa smile.  
  
Tucked very tightly against Trowa's long body, Quatre rested his head against his chest and closed his eyes as they walked. Trowa would take care of him.  
  
He wasn't sure how he got inside the elevator, but he could feel the gravity pulling at him as the glass enclosure sped at incredible speeds down the shaft. Opening his eyes, he saw Heero and Duo looking at him, worried expressions on their faces. He offered them a weak smile.  
  
"Trowa says I have to rest. I'm just going to rest for a while." He saw them nod, and he turned his head towards Trowa, lifting his face to see the majestic look of power he saw in Trowa now. "Trowa?"  
  
His lover looked down at him, kindness in his eyes. "Yes?"  
  
"I thought of a name for your kitten."  
  
Trowa looked at the bag he was carrying before looking back at him, a slight smile on his face.  
  
"What name did you decide?"  
  
He sighed, lowering his face to snuggle more firmly into Trowa's chest. "Star. Her name should be, Star."  
  
Trowa turned and wrapped both arms around him, cradling him for the remainder of the ride. Trowa must have liked the name. 


	18. Chapter 17

At the car, Duo and Heero strapped the motorcycle to the back. Maneuvering Quatre with gentle care, Trowa got him situated into the car before he himself stepped in. He'd seen Heero and Duo watching him with intent and questioning eyes; they'd just have to wait until Quatre was asleep, and even then, he wasn't sure what he'd tell them.  
  
It seemed an invasion of their privacy to explain exactly what had gone on at the Towers. It had been so important, he could see that now, see that Corinne had been right in telling him to perform this act of dominance; while she leaked suggestions through the link she'd established. Quatre seemed tired, but that in itself was a miracle. So often Quatre had tried to pretend that he was fine, and now it seemed, with Trowa in control, he was willing to relax, and most importantly, to rest.  
  
So exhausted, Quatre was simply hanging on for all he was worth, trying desperately to find some meaning in a life that had seemingly abandoned him. But Trowa wasn't going to let that happen.  
  
When Corinne had told him that Quatre still couldn't wrap his mind around the idea that he could protect him, he hadn't known what else to do. He'd been at a complete loss and had told Corinne so. It had been just about that time that Quatre had linked with him-he now knew it was because of Duo's words about having a child-and with a note of defeat, he'd suggested maybe he couldn't help Quatre at all. But Corinne had grown almost furious at that, saying that if he gave up now Quatre would as well, and would he like that on his conscience, to know that he'd help kill the man he loved? She'd been tough and unyielding towards him; but it had done the trick.  
  
However, her method to solving the problem of Quatre's control and strength issue was not at all to his liking. The plan had been to locate Quatre immediately, knowing that his distress was great if he'd attempted a link instead of calling Trowa. Once Trowa was with him, he'd have to try to very carefully assert his control over Quatre. Everything inside of him screamed at that; he remembered well what it felt like to be controlled. But Corinne was adamant, explaining that Quatre was so mentally exhausted by all that had happened he wasn't in any shape to make decisions. She explained that Quatre knew this fact, but was again hiding, because to tell Trowa would mean that Trowa had control over him, something Quatre knew he needed, but was afraid to give away.  
  
Not liking the idea, but willing to do whatever it took to help Quatre, Trowa agreed and took some quick tips from Corinne; it was a good thing he was such a fast learner. As she rattled off the things he should and should not do to assert control, he could almost see the men from the mercenary teams doing to him the same things he was about to do to Quatre. It sent shivers down his back, and Corinne noticed. She tried to explain that it was different, that it was out of love and care, not power and will, but to Trowa it seemed almost the same thing. Half of him screamed that he could never do those things to Quatre, that he loved him, wanted to be loving towards him; but the other half reasoned with Corinne, deciding that right now, Quatre was simply too tired to do some things on his own, and that he would have to help.  
  
In the end, he and Heero had driven like mad men, following the signal from Quatre's sports car, while developing a plan to get Trowa in a position of power over Quatre. The whole ride to the shelter had made him completely sick to his stomach.  
  
They'd worked out a loose plan of Trowa being very demonstrative and possessive towards Quatre, making sure everyone around them-including Quatre-knew that they were together. From that point, they reasoned, Quatre's own desires to be publicly loved would lend itself to Trowa being the one displaying him, and hence the one in control. They decided to further this idea by having Trowa being more of the giver than the receiver.  
  
But when Quatre had come out of the shelter, he'd completely solidified his resolve. His lover was holding the tiniest kitten, and generally looking very small and cute. He'd instantly wanted to take care of Quatre, seeing him in such a childlike position as holding a snow-white kitten. Trowa had to shake himself at one point to remember that this child-looking innocent had only last night made passionate love to him in the most incredible way.  
  
When Quatre had leaned against the bike, it was easy for him to slip into the role of protecting him, sheltering him. The hard part was going to be the control, to find a way to make Quatre see that he no longer had to be the one, that Trowa would control things from now on. All of this, and he had to do it subtly.  
  
For the afternoon, he tried to anticipate what Quatre would want and to do the unexpected to keep is lover off balance. He'd bought the iced drink for Quatre when he'd seen him looking fondly at one on another table; he'd bought the leather pants because it was not something Quatre would have ever expected from him. That didn't even mention the image of power that went with such a pair of pants; he was lucky Duo had spotted them; he'd known instantly that they would help in creating the image that he was in control.  
  
He hadn't been quite prepared for Quatre's initial reaction to the pants or even the ease with which he seemed to slip into the submissive role once they were on the street. It was almost as if Quatre had simply been waiting for Trowa to step into the role so that he could rest. Not wanting to disappoint, he'd accepted the challenge and had done all he could to "lead" Quatre from that point on. It seemed to have worked, at least that was what he thought at the art gallery and dinner, but he knew without a shadow of a doubt when they got to the Kilazian Towers.  
  
Quatre had struggled at the control, had fought just enough to let him know that it wasn't something he was comfortable giving; yet at the same time, it was almost too easy, as if Quatre had wanted it to happen all along. It had been all right; for Trowa, it had still been about pleasing Quatre, giving him pleasure and caring for him. But he could easily see how the act of tonight could become so much crueler, more like what he'd been through as a child. Trowa knew it was a fine line he walked, he himself having had so much control taken from him at an early age and for so long, he could see himself forcefully taking that control from Quatre to fill the void. It frightened him to think like that, but he also knew he couldn't afford not to; he had to be constantly aware, lest he fall into a trap of his own making.  
  
He saw Heero and Duo walk to their respective sides of the car. He'd elected to put himself and Quatre in the back seat, allowing for his spent lover to sleep in relative peace.  
  
Once inside, Heero gave him a worried glance in the review mirror before starting the car. Duo was softly speaking to Quatre, talking about their day and how much he liked the name Star for the kitten.  
  
"It's a really good name for her. How'd you come up with it?"  
  
But Quatre didn't answer; he only snuggled closer to Trowa, wrapping his arms around Trowa's left one. Resting his head on his shoulder, Quatre closed his eyes and became silent. Trowa could see the worry in Duo's eyes. He and Heero had no idea what had happened; he'd have to tell them something, but not yet.  
  
"Quatre."  
  
"Hn?" His fragile lover didn't look up-only stayed where he was, attached to Trowa's side.  
  
"You're tired, Quatre. Lie down in my lap and go to sleep. I'll wake you when we get home."  
  
Not acknowledging that he'd heard with words, Quatre simply shifted his position to lay his head quietly in Trowa's lap. He allowed his long fingers to run lightly through pale sun-spun silk. Not looking away from his sleeping angel, Trowa waited for the even breathing he knew would signal sleep.  
  
When he was finally assured that Quatre had drifted off, he looked up and was met with an almost furious and concerned Duo.  
  
Trowa nodded his head, not removing his fingers from their hold around his love; it seemed that even while he slept, Trowa was asserting his possessiveness towards him; it frightened him yet again.  
  
"What the hell happened up there! He was fine before you got back to the elevator." Duo kept his voice down, but it was easy to hear the fear in his voice. Heero lifted his hand from the steering wheel and took one of Duo's; it was barely enough to keep Duo from reaching back and strangling him.  
  
Taking a huge breath, Trowa reiterated, in as little detail as possible, what had happened on the Tower. He was surprised to see Duo positively shaking with anger.  
  
"Trowa how could you do that?! Quatre needs to be in control now more than ever! His whole life is falling around him, and you want to be Mr. Sadist!" His voice rose to dangerous levels of volume, and Trowa felt his control slip at the thought of Quatre being woken up; at least that's what he hoped it was.  
  
"I'm doing what Corinne told me to! She thinks that Quatre needs someone to tell him what to do; and since I'm his lover, that means me!" There was venom in his voice, and he once again saw Heero glance at him in the mirror.  
  
"Duo," Heero said calmly, "Trowa's right; he only did what Corinne told him to. I didn't expect this form of control, though." He looked at Trowa again. "Sex is a very powerful and dangerous way to control a person; you know that better than anyone, so I'm not going to lecture you about it. But as far as I know, Quatre hasn't ever had this type of experience before. Are you sure it's the best thing for him?"  
  
Trowa took a deep ragged breath, and he could see Duo flash him a look of understanding and concern. "I don't know. With Quatre-I've never done this before. But you both saw him. He seemed so tired-"  
  
"Trowa, that's what I'm freaking talking about!"  
  
"Duo, be quiet and listen. I think I understand. This is about Quatre's willingness to lose control."  
  
Trowa nodded his head. "It's like he melted into me, allowing me to completely shelter him. Then he admitted that he was tired; he said that to me, easily. It was as if he wanted to let me know how he was feeling so that I could make better decisions for him. He was letting me know so I could take better care of him." He allowed his hand to caress one very soft and pale cheek.  
  
"Are you going to talk to Corinne about what happened?" Duo's eyes held a look of worried apprehension.  
  
He nodded. "She's going to have to know."  
  
Duo nodded and then gave a weak smile. "So exactly how did our little kitten get the name Star?"  
  
Trowa had the advantage of his long bangs; Duo didn't see him blush.  
  
* * *  
  
Gentle hands brushed the hair from his eyes.  
  
"Quatre, we're home."  
  
Yawning and trying to stretch he sat up, and gazed at the strong image of the man he loved before him.  
  
Trowa was unlike anyone he'd ever laid eyes on, and his body was the most exquisite thing to look at. Even in the light of the car bulb, Trowa looked strong and capable, easily able to challenge the world around him and keep him safe.  
  
He yawned again, and then took Trowa's hand. Duo and Heero were still in the front seat, and while he couldn't see them, he was sure they were watching the couple behind them. Quatre took his unoccupied hand and rubbed the sleep from his eyes; the look that Trowa gave him then made the world seem like a much better, warmer, place.  
  
Tiredly, he spoke. "Duo and I bought a lot of stuff. It's in the back."  
  
Trowa nodded. "We'll carry as much as we can in tonight, and we'll get the rest tomorrow."  
  
Smiling, Quatre felt his stomach settle at Trowa's words. His lover had already had a plan ready, already knew what needed to be done. Trowa would take care of everything.  
  
He felt warm hands touch his face and saw Duo's smile as his friend pulled away after a moment. "You know, Quatre, when you wake up, you're cute beyond words."  
  
Quatre chuckled. Then Trowa reached for the door handle, and together they exited the heat of the car for the cool night air of the base garage. Instinctively he stepped closer to Trowa, only to find himself pulled even closer to his tall partner.  
  
"It's chilly, Quatre, stay close to me." Quatre nodded.  
  
Once the packages were gathered, they moved as a group toward the elevators that would take them upstairs and to their quarters. Trowa had handed Quatre the wicker basket, and he gently walked so as not to disturb Star, who was wisely sleeping at this late hour. He yawned again and excused himself, noting that Duo couldn't help but chuckle at his un-aristocratic display.  
  
When the elevators opened, they walked down the hallway. Trowa carried half of their purchases and still maintained a tight arm around him. He couldn't explain the feeling; it wasn't anything like he'd ever experienced. He thought he'd found it, when he'd accepted that Trowa would never abandon him, but he'd been wrong. This feeling, the one that ran though his spent body-that elicited such amazing pulses of pure delight- this was what he'd been looking for. It was too good to explain, too wondrous to describe; it was simply what he'd wanted, what he'd needed; since the day they hadn't been able to find Koeran's body, when he'd learned what it meant to be alone; since that day, he'd craved this feeling.  
  
One of the bags brushed his leg. "Trowa, I can help you carry some of those bags if you want."  
  
But Trowa shook his head. "No, it's alright; just stay close to me."  
  
He wanted to throw his arms around his lover and weep with joy. Trowa understood; he was going to care for him, going to fix everything. Trowa would hold him together, at least until he said otherwise; by then he'd be able to take care of himself, and Trowa would be so proud of him-so happy.  
  
He snuggled closer, ignoring the way the packages tried to trip him up; all that mattered was being closer to Trowa. Surprisingly, Trowa leaned down and dropped a soft kiss on his forehead, a smile gracing his lips afterwards. Quatre was in heaven.  
  
"Master Trowa, let me help you." That voice was so familiar; he tried to figure it all out without taking his gaze from his beautiful lover, but his sleep addled brain was too tired; he turned to look.  
  
"Oh God! Rashid!" He'd completely forgotten his friend was coming. He nearly dropped Star's basket in his shock.  
  
He tried to stop walking, tried to step away from Trowa to apologize properly to Rashid, but an insistent tug by Trowa had him still walking, if not stumbling. "Trowa?"  
  
"Rashid will be fine, Quatre. You are to stay close to me. He'll see you in the morning after you visit with Corinne. Understood?" The look on his face broached no arguments, and Quatre could feel the eyes of the occupants of the hallway on them both. He gulped, not knowing what to do.  
  
"But Trowa-"  
  
"Quatre." His voice was stern, not harsh, as if he didn't expect to be questioned.  
  
And then, like lightening, it hit him. Trowa must know just how tired he really was; he must have figured out that he'd completely forgotten about Rashid coming to visit. Trowa was trying to help him save face. He smiled at his partner.  
  
"It's ok, really, Trowa. I'm not that tired. I-"  
  
"Quatre, what did I tell you?" Still not harsh, his words held a note of irritation that hardly ever accompanied something Trowa said and was never something directed towards him. He flinched under the unusual assault.  
  
But Trowa knew he was tired-understood that he was so exhausted from everything. Perhaps Trowa was only trying to allow him time to rest, knowing that if anyone would be forgiving, it would be Rashid. But there was an inner conflict in him; he didn't understand why Trowa was acting so strangely.  
  
He opened his mouth to say something and then thought better of it. He shifted his eyes to Rashid and then back to Trowa. With silent communication, he begged Trowa to let him speak with Rashid, but the stoic pilot lived up to his nickname. Quatre closed his eyes in defeat and took another step with Trowa.  
  
"I-I'll apologize properly in the morning Rashid. Trowa thinks I'm very tired.so I must be." His voice was soft, and he felt Trowa reflexively shift his fingers on his shoulder. Something felt off-wrong-he didn't understand what was happening, didn't know why Trowa was acting this way.  
  
And then obviously, neither did Trowa.  
  
"Quatre, would you rather go to sleep now and talk with Rashid in the morning after your meeting with Corinne, or would you rather talk with him for a few minutes now? I'll give you the choice."  
  
Then it was right. Quatre's eyes lit up as he looked at Trowa with adoration and relief. This was how it was supposed to be. Trowa was there to help him, to tell him what to do, but not rule him. The joy of it had tears in his eyes.  
  
Meekly he looked at Trowa then said, "I think I'd like to talk with Rashid now; is that ok?"  
  
"I gave you the choice, Quatre. But I'll be staying with you, and you'll say goodnight when I think you've had enough."  
  
Hurriedly Quatre nodded his head, and then with a quick kiss to the underside of Trowa's chin-which was all he could reach without disturbing Star-he turned in the arms that held him to look at Rashid.  
  
His old partner in destruction had a strange look on his face, and he could have sworn it was also on the faces of Duo and Heero; he tried not to think about it.  
  
"Rashid, I'm so sorry I didn't pick you up at the spaceport. Crazy things have been happening all over the place, and." he shrugged his shoulders, loving the weight of Trowa's arm about them. "I completely forgot. It's no excuse, but please forgive me." He turned pleading eyes on his old friend, hoping for a reprieve from the standard order.  
  
But Rashid's expression had changed, and he now wore a soft smile. "Of course Master, I know how busy you can become. Remember, I was fool enough to try and put your affairs in order once-completely mind-boggling." Quatre laughed, knowing he'd been forgiven. He also knew that Trowa knew that Rashid was going to forgive him, that was the only reason Trowa had allowed the choice; he knew no harm would come to him. Quatre snuggled more firmly against his lover.  
  
And then he thought of something. "Rashid, oh no! You've been here all day haven't you?! No, wait, your shuttle was suppose to come in yesterday; did I miss you for two whole days?!" There was a slight sense of panic in his voice. He hated to lose track of the days, it generally only happened when something really and truly bad had taken place; for example being stuck in that room by his father, or that month while he waited for the Wing Zero to be completed. He almost shivered and knew instantly that Trowa had sensed his discomfort. Trowa's grip about him tightened.  
  
"Don't trouble yourself about it, Master Quatre. I've managed fine on my own."  
  
He was about to protest when Trowa cut in. "Quatre, it's time to say goodnight. Come, we'll put you to sleep now."  
  
Put him to sleep, like a mother puts her children to sleep, with song or touch. He didn't understand why only a little while ago that phrase would have angered him, and yet now, only made him feel loved and protected. He nodded once and turned to Rashid. "I'll ask if we can meet tomorrow. I don't think Trowa would mind, especially after I get a good night's rest." He looked to Trowa for confirmation, and upon receiving it in the form of a nod, he bid goodnight to Rashid, and then he, Trowa, and their two friends were again on their way down the hallway.  
  
Halfway there, he looked at Trowa. "Thank you for letting me talk with Rashid; I'm glad I got to talk to him tonight, even if it was only for a little while."  
  
Trowa nodded and offered him a grin.  
  
They dropped Heero and Duo off first, separating the packages. Duo loudly stated that it was a good thing that he and Trowa's rooms were at the other end, otherwise the late night moaning might keep them up all night. Heero rolled his eyes, and then he and Trowa were on their way again.  
  
At the door, Quatre punched in the unlock code and called for the lights. He and Trowa set the packages and sacks on the couch, leaving them for tomorrow. Then Trowa took the wicker basket, removed the lid, and carried it into the bedroom, with Quatre right behind him. He stepped into the bathroom and opened the shower. Placing an old shirt on the metal floor of the shower stall, he gently deposited Star in the middle of the cloth. Quatre watched him stroke the kitten's head fondly before closing the door and looking back at him.  
  
"She'll sleep here until we can find her a more comfortable place. Would you like her to stay in our room, or the living room after tonight?"  
  
Simple choice, but not one that was his to make.  
  
"It's up to you, Trowa. She's your kitten."  
  
"Yes, but what's mine is yours; do you have a preference?"  
  
His heart fluttered at the mention of sharing and he nodded. "I think she should sleep with us, at least for a while."  
  
Nodding his head, Trowa took Quatre by the hand and led them back into the bedroom. Once there, he stripped Quatre of every stitch of clothing, and then did the same for himself.  
  
Settling in the bed, Trowa pulled him onto it as well before tucking his head and snuggling it under his chin. Firm hands danced nonsense patterns across his back and shoulders, and Quatre couldn't help but sigh in contentment.  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
"Hn?"  
  
"You do understand that I'm only trying to take care of you, don't you?"  
  
Quatre didn't comprehend the doubt in his voice; his mind wouldn't let him. Trowa had to be invincible now, he had to be.  
  
"I know, Trowa. I'm still tired, though."  
  
Gentle hands wrapped about his cheek, bringing his face even more snuggly into Trowa's firm heat. "Rest now, Quatre. I'll wake you up in the morning."  
  
He nodded his head; Trowa was in control now, and everything was going to be just fine. Trowa would make things easier for him, would make the right decisions. Trowa could do everything now; he was the one, the true one; it'd take something very bad to change his mind about that fact, something, very, very bad. 


	19. Chapter 18

"What do you think?"  
  
Heero was sitting on the couch in their quarters; Duo was snuggled next to him, happily braiding and unbraiding an errant strand of hair.  
  
Duo shrugged. "I'm not really sure. I mean, Quatre looks better, and now thankfully Trowa doesn't have to be so bossy towards him. I was getting a little worried when he had to tell Quatre to have apple juice for his breakfast. But I guess it must be working since Quatre seems so much better now."  
  
Heero nodded. "It's been almost a month since we went shopping together. And I'll agree; Quatre does seem more like his old self. Do you think that he's pretending though; or even that something could shake him like it did last time?"  
  
Duo's expression shifted. "Are you more concerned about the setback to Quatre, or the devastation of Trowa?"  
  
Looking at him with a stunned expression, Heero answered, "I'm worried about both of them. But I think that if Quatre were to slip again.Trowa is already in territory he doesn't like. He hates to think that he controls Quatre, and after his past, it's easy to see why. I think that if Quatre does slip, Trowa will take it the hardest; Quatre will most likely bounce back, but Trowa."  
  
"Has he said anything to you? You know, about how he's handling taking on the 'master' role?"  
  
Heero nodded his head. "A little-you know Trowa, he doesn't talk about much anyway, and something he's uncomfortable with.but he did get a little upset late last week, and he asked me some questions."  
  
"Can you tell me what he asked, or is that a no-no?"  
  
He smiled. "It seems that Quatre is constantly looking for comfort when they're at home. Trowa's having to be a lot more demonstrative than he ever has before. I think that he's just nervous about it. You saw the two of them at dinner a few nights ago; Quatre sat in his lap the whole way through. For us that's nothing new, but for them, it's entirely new ground."  
  
Duo nodded his head. "I guess it's just weird, that's all, seeing them all over each other all the time-and yet, I know it makes Quatre happy-Hell, it'd make almost anyone happy. But I think that Quatre's always wished he'd have one of those openly together type relationships; and now that Trowa's participating, he's finally getting what he's always wanted. I think our desert prince is finally getting his dues if you ask me." Duo smiled, and Heero returned it. "Do you think Trowa's going to be alright?"  
  
Heero nodded. "He'll do whatever it takes to help Quatre. Trowa knows what will happen if he doesn't, and he's not going to let that happen. As far as Quatre goes, I think he'll be alright as well. It'll take some time, but he's getting better everyday-like you said-and I think, in the end, he'll be alright."  
  
Heero looked to Duo to find a strange expression on his face; he quirked his eyebrow at his lover before asking what was wrong. Duo shifted uncomfortably next to him, and Heero extended a hand to cover Duo's knee.  
  
"Heero, can I ask you a question-completely off topic, but something that's been bugging me for a while, and I just want to-you know, get an answer?" Heero nodded, and Duo took a deep breath and let it out. "Um, it's kind of- well it's-whew, this is hard."  
  
Concerned, Heero spoke. "You can ask me anything; you know that."  
  
Duo nodded then tried again. "Heero, this whole thing with Quatre and his sisters.well it's started me thinking. Yeah, I know you're thinking 'Duo thinking, now we're in trouble' but hear me out, ok?" Heero again nodded. "Well when Quatre and I went shopping a month ago, I brought up the subject of.um.you and me-of us, you know, having a kid.someday. Anyway, um, I was wondering.how do you-that is would you like to-no, um.have you ever considered us.you know, having children?" Soul bared, he waited for Heero's answer. He felt his heart plummet at the one he got.  
  
Heero stood from his place next to Duo and moved to the bay window that accompanied their quarters. His hands were at his sides in fists, and he seemed to shake. Duo dropped his eyes, not wanting to see this reaction to his question. He'd always wanted to have children, ever since he was orphaned; he knew that he wanted to save as many other children from becoming orphans as possible. He hadn't expected Heero to jump with joy or anything, but he definitely hadn't expected him to completely shut down.  
  
"Heero, I'm sorry, it was a stupid question, for-"  
  
"It wasn't stupid." There was a tight sound in his voice that caused Duo to look up at his long time lover. Heero was still shaking, and Duo became concerned-too concerned to worry about his own emotions.  
  
"Heero, are you alright?"  
  
And then Heero turned from the window. Tears pooled in his eyes, and at his movement, they spilled down his cheeks to drop to the subtle point of his chin. He tried to speak, but his voice caught for a moment, then he tried again.  
  
"I-I never considered you wanted a child."  
  
Carefully, not knowing exactly what was going on, Duo answered. "Yeah, it's been a dream of mine; to have a lot of kids.but things change, you know. We don't have to have any kids if you don't want-"  
  
"NO!" His voice was loud, louder than he intended, and Heero watched Duo cringe at his tone. With lightening speed, Heero was back on the couch next to Duo, his lover's face in his hands. "All my life I've been alone. When I met you, it was the first time ever that I didn't have to be by myself. I fought it, tried to push you away, but I didn't want to. I never wanted you to leave because you were all I ever wanted. For as long as I can remember, all I've ever wanted, desired, was a family. When we got together, it was more than I ever thought I'd ever have or deserved. I never hoped to imagine that you'd consider me worthy enough to have a child with. But a child.a family, with you and a little boy or girl, that would be every dream I've ever had come true.every single one."  
  
Tears streamed down his face, and Duo could do little more than follow suit. Together they released tears of sadness for the past and tears of joy for what they'd just discovered. They both wanted the same thing; they both wanted a family; they both wanted children, and they wanted a lot of them.  
  
Together they moved into the bedroom and fell upon the mattress. They discussed the different aspects of adopting a child or even a genetic. Without saying it, they both thought about their friend who could not so easily discuss the future of fatherhood, and while they talked excitedly, they both felt a sadness for Quatre and Trowa.  
  
* * *  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
Trowa thought for a moment before answering. "I think he's doing better. Those first few days were rocky, but now he seems so much better, happier."  
  
Corinne nodded her head. "I agree. Quatre has been taking to the therapy very well. I think the fact that you've been helping him with little decisions has boosted his confidence in the bigger ones he's had to make. For example, you telling him when to go to sleep allows him to worry about other things-most importantly-his past problems and working through them. I sense in him that he's finally feeling better about himself. I think he's reached that place where we can move to the next step."  
  
"Next step?"  
  
Smiling, Corinne nodded. "I'm going to allow you back onto active duty. I think that Quatre can now be without your constant presence for short periods of time. Over the last month, you've been constantly with him except during sessions. We needed Quatre to feel as if he could count on you; but as you've already pointed out, he's begun to make more mundane decisions for himself now. Quatre should be fine; besides, he'll be in sessions with me or most likely playing with Marieminna, anyway-not to mention you work right down the hall. He'll probably be a little nervous at first, but that's actually not a bad thing. We need to slowly wean him from the comfort zone he's established. What's the matter, Trowa, you looked worried?"  
  
And he was. "Do you really think he'll be alright? I don't want to step away from him and have him need me while I'm gone."  
  
"Trowa, you won't always be there for him, and Quatre needs to try and find a balance between needing you and needing himself. For a long time he depended on himself alone, and now he's dependent solely on you; we need him to find a happy middle, where he can take care of himself but come to you if he needs help or comfort. Do you understand?"  
  
He thought about it, absorbing all that she'd said before he nodded.  
  
"If you think that Quatre's ready to be away from me, you must think he's really improving."  
  
"Yes. Most of the anxiety that I felt from him is now almost completely gone. He's truly working through the things in his past during the sessions. Right now we're working though his feelings towards Cijen. These sessions are extremely stressful for him. We've been working on this for about a week; have you noticed any changes in him?"  
  
Trowa nodded. "When he comes home, he usually wanders around for a few minutes, sometimes he'll curl up on the couch for a half hour or so; but then he comes to me. I wait for him now. I'll sit in the chair, and eventually Quatre will come and sit in my lap for a little while. He'll sit with me-sometimes until dinner-and then he'll be fine. Those are normal days; we don't usually talk about the sessions then; he doesn't really like to. But I know when a session is really hard on him because he'll come home and start asking me simple things. For example, he asked me the other day how many sugars he should put in his tea, even though he doesn't take any sugar. I think he's trying to confirm that I know what he likes, that I'm still willing to be there for him. On days like those, I gather him to me and insist he tell me what's bothering him."  
  
"And does he?"  
  
"In a way. He doesn't talk much about the sessions, but he'll tell me some little thing that's bothering him. Like the other day, when I asked, he didn't tell me he was upset about Cijen; he said that he didn't know what to buy Marieminna for Christmas. They're actual things that are bothering him, but not the main thing. Usually after he tells me, and I give him an answer, he's happier."  
  
Corinne nodded. "Quatre's working through the hard things in his mind. The simple questions are-as you said-a way for him to make sure you're paying attention. Don't be concerned that he's not discussing his sessions with you. The little questions bother him, the little choices in life; once those are out of the way, he feels he has more time and energy to devote to the larger problems. In a way, you're helping him more than I am."  
  
Trowa smiled, but then it turned into a frown. Corinne knew that while Trowa often showed Quatre his emotions, he was not so prone to displaying them for others, and especially not a frown to her. "Trowa, what's wrong?"  
  
"I may be helping him with the sessions, but there's still the matter of his nightmares."  
  
Nightmares had awoken Quatre screaming, night after night. His lover almost never slept a full night without horrifying images of a little boy with dark brown hair and stone gray eyes. Some nights, it took hours before he could coax Quatre back to sleep. The nightmares had even gone so far as to pull Quatre from a nap at Duo's; the braided pilot had been so distraught he'd called a med. team. Quatre insisted that the dreams weren't dreams at all, but this little boy pathing to him, trying to get his help. So far, neither he nor Heero had managed to come up with a boy matching the description that Quatre gave.  
  
"Does he still think they're real?"  
  
Trowa nodded.  
  
"I still haven't felt anything from another empath towards Quatre. Empaths leave signature trails, ghost impressions that can be picked up by other empaths who are trained to know what to look for. There just aren't any ghosts. I still think that they're memories that Quatre hasn't faced yet. He could have built this little boy to house his own fears and pain; the torture he says is done on the boy could be the way he's coaping with the sessions. He wouldn't be the first person to have nightmares while dealing with demons from his past."  
  
"I'd agree, but Quatre seems so adamant. You've seen his face when he's woken up from one; he's completely terrified. Plus, these have been going on for almost a month now. I'm really worried about him."  
  
"And you should be. But just like the mind adjusts after an empathic dusting or sweep, this could just be Quatre's way of dealing with all the information and feelings assaulting him. If you're worried about his sleeping patterns, I can prescribe a sleep aid."  
  
Trowa shook his head. "I tried that, so far it's one of the few things that Quatre refused even after I tried to 'command' him to do it. It's like he wants to check up on the boy until he finds him. If what you're saying is true, is he trying to check up on himself?"  
  
Corinne looked thoughtful for a moment. "It's hard to tell. Quatre and I haven't talked much about his nightmares; he insists that you and he are working through them, and that he'd rather discuss them with you. That's a good sign as long as he's talking. I think, though, I'll bring it up tomorrow, just to see what he says."  
  
Trowa nodded and then stood. "I have to get Quatre. The five of us are going into town; Duo's big on Christmas, and has insisted that Quatre help him with the decorations. He's having a lot of fun with it."  
  
Corinne smiled. "That does sounds like a lot of fun. Quatre's actually mentioned the preparation for the big day, and he seems very excited about it. If I'm not mistaken, it's still a ways off, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes, it's on the twenty-fifth, so he and Duo still have about a month to go. I have my doubts, but Duo insists that a sawed-off evergreen tree will last that long. I feel bad for the tree."  
  
They laughed, and then with lifted spirits, Trowa went to collect Quatre from Marieminna's grasph.  
  
* * *  
  
"Over here, Quatre!!!" Dressed in a pair of running shorts and a tank top, Marieminna was the epitome of summer fun; it was hard for Quatre to believe that it was already very late November.  
  
He laughed as he kicked the bright orange ball towards her small waiting feet. With determination borne only of the young she ran up and kicked with aimless direction, causing it to fly behind a bush.  
  
"Oh no!"  
  
"Don't worry, I'll get it. Wait right here." Quatre ran to the other side and soon returned with the errant ball. Marieminna was sitting on the grass catching her breath. "You're not tired, are you? And Trowa says I'm out of shape."  
  
She laughed. "I'm tired 'cause Heero and Duo had me training earlier; you got to sit on the couch all day!" They laughed together, and Quatre sat across from the little girl he'd come to see as one of his best friends. He rolled the ball to her, and she rolled it back, starting a game with little purpose.  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
"Hn? Careful or you'll miss it."  
  
"I got it. I have a question."  
  
Quatre smiled; her innocence was so cute. "Ok, what's your question?"  
  
"How tall is Trowa?"  
  
He looked questioning for a moment before he answered, "Six-two."  
  
She nodded. "I have another question."  
  
He indicated she should ask.  
  
"How tall are you?"  
  
He smiled. "Five-eight. Why the questions?"  
  
"I'm not finished yet. I have another. Can I ask?"  
  
"Alright."  
  
She rolled the ball back to him.  
  
"Are you older, or is Trowa?"  
  
"Trowa's older, by almost nine months."  
  
He rolled the ball back to her.  
  
"Who makes more money, you or Trowa?"  
  
Quatre puzzled at that question. "I do. Marieminna, why do you ask?"  
  
"That's a silly question, Quatre. I'm trying to figure out who has to kneel."  
  
"Kneel?"  
  
"Yeah, it wouldn't be right if one of you just asked, it'd be silly."  
  
"Marieminna, I don't understand. Why would Trowa or I need to kneel about anything?"  
  
She sighed, indicating that he should already know this. "I saw it once. My mommy use to tell me about it. Someone has to kneel or it isn't official; that's what she said."  
  
Quatre stopped the ball as it came to him. "Marieminna, why don't you tell me what you mean?"  
  
With an exasperated sound she said, "You and Trowa have been together for forever right?" He nodded. "And you've been through everything right, with you being sick in the heart and all?" Again he nodded. "Then you're going to be together forever, right?" Once more. "I'm trying to figure out which one of you has to ask the other to marry you. Mom said that the man usually asks, but she didn't say who asks when they're both boys. I just figured the one that's like the man the most has to ask. So whoever's taller, older, and makes more money; but that doesn't work all the time 'cause the man doesn't always make more money, plus you make more money than Trowa. I'm not sure who's suppose to ask." She stopped, out of breath, and looked questionably at the stunned expression on Quatre's face, the ball still held tightly in his hands. "Quatre?"  
  
He shook himself, trying to pull back to the conversation. "Ye-Yes?"  
  
"Did I ask something wrong?"  
  
"No-no you didn't. It's just-just it's not that easy."  
  
"How come? Mom said that when people fall in love they have to get married, and since you and Trowa are in love, then you should have to get married too, right?"  
  
Quatre sighed. How to tell a little girl that love wasn't the only thing necessary in this world.  
  
"Sweetie, it's different. Your Mom's right about when a man and a woman fall in love, they get married. But some people-some people don't think it's right that a man marry another man; they're afraid of it."  
  
"How come?"  
  
"You know, I'm not really sure. There are some books-really old books-that say some really interesting things about having lots of babies and having as many children as you can, but those books were written when humans were still very new to the world. Nowadays, there're so many people out there, we don't need more humans. But still some people are afraid of the new ways of the world; they're afraid that love can come in all shapes and sizes. It's very hard to explain."  
  
"No, I get it. Because people don't understand love, they think that love that's different from theirs isn't love at all, so they try to get rid of it. So they say that you can't get married unless you're a man and a woman. So you and Trowa can't get married and neither can Heero and Duo, right?"  
  
He nodded, once again amazed by her intelligence.  
  
"That's stupid!"  
  
He chuckled. "I think so, too. But you know what?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Trowa and I don't have to get married. We know we'll be together for the rest of our lives; and then longer. Even though some people don't think love is everything, we do, and so do Heero and Duo. That's why it's ok if we don't get married we're married in our hearts and in our souls. Does that make sense to you?"  
  
He watched her eyes light up. "Maybe you and Trowa and Heero and Duo should all have a pretend marriage, you know, you could get Wufei to be the pretend minister since he likes to preach all the time, and then you could get married! I know, you could go to your pretty mansion on your home colony. I saw it in the pictures you showed me before, and I bet it'd be really pretty there! Maybe your sisters could go and they'd see how happy you were and they'd stop being so mean all the time. Wouldn't that be a great idea, Quatre?!"  
  
He smiled, sadness in his eyes. To go home and swear his love to Trowa for eternity in a Bonding ceremony, it's all he really wanted. To see his family accept him and his beloved, to know that finally, everything was good. But it was too much to hope for-far too much. But it was a pretty dream.  
  
"I'll have to see what can be done; but no promises."  
  
"Ok. But Quatre?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"If you get married to Trowa someday, you'll invite me, won't you?"  
  
He reached across and pulled the slight child into his lap and held her close. He cuddled her, and ran his hands gently over her soft red hair. "No matter what, I promise we'll invite you. You'll be our special guests, and I'm positive that I can find a great job for you, too. Did you know Bonding cemimonies have flowergirls just like boy-girl marriages? How about flowergirl, would you like that job?"  
  
Nodding, she giggled and snuggled closer to him. "I love you, Quatre."  
  
"I love you, too, little one."  
  
"And I love the both of you."  
  
Quatre shifted his view and looked behind him to an amused and soft expression on Trowa's face. He offered a full smile, and kissed Marieminna's head before releasing her. Standing, he walked to Trowa. "So you love me, hm? Well I suppose you'll have to prove it to me before I can really believe you."  
  
Trowa was fast; the kiss on Quatre's lips landed with intense passion; and he shifted, needing to feel closer to him-as close to him as possible. With lifted arms, Quatre wrapped his hands around Trowa's neck and allowed his taller partner to nearly lift him off the ground. He strained on his toes, loving the feel of Trowa's hands gliding softly along his back. They would have continued-and maybe gone further-if they hadn't heard a faint giggling.  
  
Quatre dropped to the balls of his feet, and broke his hold on Trowa. Another giggle caught his attention, and with equal speed to Trowa's, Quatre swung around and grabbed Marieminna around the waist and lifted her into his arms, laying kisses and tickles all over her. Her laughter lit up his world, and the expression on Trowa's face as he watched his antics was priceless. He held the small child close, cuddling her once again. Someday-someday they'd be doing this to their own child. He closed his eyes against the joy and pain of that thought.  
  
When Marieminna had gathered her ball and gone inside, Trowa encircled an arm about his waist. "It doesn't matter how many times I see it, or how many times I say it, you will make an incredible father someday."  
  
Quatre beamed at the compliment, ignoring the tug at his heart. "Someday."  
  
"Someday."  
  
Together they left the warm gardens to collect Duo, Heero, and Wufei; it was time to get ready for the holidays. 


	20. Chapter 19

The toy store was huge, advertising the best selection of Colonial and Earth toys in the town. They'd gone to the expensive store, hoping against hope to find the perfect gift for Marieminna.  
  
"I want to get her something really special. I haven't been able to be with her very much, and I want to get her something nice to make up for that."  
  
"Quatre, she'll like anything you get her."  
  
"I know, but still, it'd be nice to get her something exotic."  
  
They were currently looking at the newest line of AI dolls available on the market; no cost was too high. The little doll came in all variations, from hair to eye color, skin and sex; in all it was the most exclusive toy available, and Quatre was going to make sure Marieminna got one.  
  
"Man, I don't think there's a single sales person in this whole place. Quatre can't you snap your fingers and get us a servant or something? You know, wave your credit card around to grab their attention, like an SOS!"  
  
"Duo! Oh!" He dropped his face into his hands; it was useless; Duo'd never ever learn tact.  
  
"Baka! Just what he needs-the whole building at his beck and call. We'll never get out of here then."  
  
"What! Kisama! I hate shopping!"  
  
"We know, Wufei. But you have to get Sally something nice before she leaves you for that new doctor from L2."  
  
"What new doctor?!"  
  
They laughed as Wufei did his best to get Duo to actually talk, while Duo did his best to keep his mouth shut. Finally it was Heero who had to separate the two and prevent a display from being knocked over in their struggle. Through it all, Quatre remained watching from his position in Trowa's arms, loving the security he felt at being surrounded by trust, love, and protection.  
  
He looked at Trowa as Heero was pulling Duo away from Wufei's throat by his braid. "Trowa, do you think you can reach up there and grab that box, the one with the red hared, blue eyes, AI? I think that's the one I want to get for her; if you look at it cross-eyed, it almost looks like her." He smiled at his own joke and sighed as Trowa pulled away from him to climb the first shelf to reach the rather high display. After grasping the treasure, Trowa landed gracefully on his feet to once again wrap an arm about Quatre before handing him the package.  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
He turned to find Heero still holding Duo by the braid; at a very uncomfortable angle. "I'm taking these two Bakas' outside. We'll meet you and Trowa out there." Quatre nodded and then they were out of the shop- Wufei in one hand, Duo's abused braid in the other. Quatre smiled up at Trowa before they moved down the aisle to the front and the register.  
  
In line they ignored the world around them as they talked about the holidays and their excitement to see Marieminna's eyes when she unwrapped the expensive doll. Suddenly a loud sound caught their attention as Duo's back collided with the front of the main window, Heero stood over him, sternly chewing him out.  
  
"Maybe you should-"  
  
"Will you be alright?"  
  
He smiled at the worried expression on Trowa's face. "I'll be fine. I'm actually pretty capable at spending money, especially my own. I'll be out in a few seconds."  
  
Trowa nodded, dropped a swift and fleeting kiss on is upturned lips, and then exited the store, hoping to break up the fight going on between Heero and Duo. Quatre watched as earlier purchases flew up into the air, and Duo nearly collided with Trowa as he scrambled to grab as many as he could before they touched the ground. Quatre laughed.  
  
Then he reached the counter and dropped the doll onto it. He turned his head to look around while the woman rang up his purchase. The sales people were busy working on their registers, and none made eye contact with him; also it seemed there were no customers at the surrounding registers. He was puzzled for a moment when another curious thing caught his attention; he didn't hear the sound of the doll being rung though, he looked at the sales woman.  
  
Her eyes held a look he'd hope to never see again, and he nearly took a step away from her. Contempt and disgust stood openly on her features, and he instantly knew why they hadn't been helped back in the doll aisle.  
  
"My purchase-is there a problem?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Sir. I don't think we have anything for you today."  
  
He felt the rage boil within him. He looked pointedly at the plastic encased doll and then back at the sales woman. "Actually, I did find something here today. If you'll ring it up, I'd appreciate it."  
  
"Perhaps you didn't hear me." Her voice was laced with hatred, and Quatre felt that very emotion cascade off of her in waves. "Our establishment has nothing to offer you. I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for somewhere else-perhaps downtown."  
  
He was with Trowa and Heero was very obviously with Duo, the store was the most exclusive the town supported, and it was obvious they didn't want the two couples there. That was fine, He could deal with that, but he was going to buy the damn doll!  
  
"If your establishment is in the market to shun its customers, I can't stop you. However, you are the only ones who carry this particular doll, and I need it for a very special little girl. If you'll kindly run it through, I'll purchase it and be on my way." Diplomacy-that's how you survive in a world like this one, full of bigots and prejudices.  
  
She obviously hadn't been in the game of politics very long. "We don't provide service to sick people like you! Now leave before I have you thrown out!" Her voice was low, to prevent the other customers from hearing the scene she was making.  
  
Anger, pain, hatred, it came from all directions, from the sales woman, from the customers that did overhear, and from himself. Involuntarily he felt the link flair at his stress, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw Trowa stop dead in his tracks, nearly dropping Duo, to stare at him through the window. Then Trowa disappeared from his view, and he slammed the link shut, knowing he had to talk through his emotions, not steal them from his lover.  
  
He wanted to stay calm, but the slip with the link and the fact that everyone was looking at him now completely destroyed his desire to remain quiet.  
  
"Now why exactly would you be throwing me out?! Could it be because you don't think I have the money to cover it!? Or is it something else?! Please, I'm curious!" His voice was loud, echoing throughout the front half of the store, drawing the attention of all the customers within range. Some stared with knowing glances, while others looked on at the curious young man yelling at the nice looking sales clerk.  
  
"Sir, is there a problem?"  
  
Quatre turned to see an older man, most likely the manager of the store, come up to him, two guards in tow. He smiled, a wicked gleam reminiscent of the days he was run by the ZERO-cold and knowing.  
  
"Why, yes, actually there is. It seems your sales woman doesn't agree with my preferences in lovers. She'd like me to leave-without my purchase- immediately before she has me thrown out. Very bad sales pitch, I might add. Oh, forgive me, I haven't introduced myself. My name is Quatre Rababera Winner. You might have heard of me." He watched with sick pleasure as the manager's eyes widened in shock and fear, recognizing just what Quatre could do to their little-in comparison-shop.  
  
Just then, he saw Trowa standing at the end of the register, his hands in fists. Beside him Heero and Duo also looked ready to kill the first person that did anything besides ring up the doll. Wufei stared with hate filled eyes at the stupid woman and equally stupid manager, who still hadn't said a word.  
  
"Mr.-Mr. Winner. I-I'm terribly sorry. We, um, we weren't expecting you. If you'd let us know you were arriving, we would have provided you with a private showing of the store."  
  
Private showing of the store, meaning when no one else was around to see two men actively holding hands and cuddling during the holiday season. Quatre felt every muscle in his body tense; he opened his mouth.  
  
Trowa stepped in. "Wufei, buy the doll. Quatre, come here."  
  
The rage he felt confused him; he didn't know what to think. His mind told him that Trowa was going to protect him; the controlling sound of his voice said so. He moved to Trowa, allowing strong arms to hold him close, offering reassurance.  
  
His lover looked to the indignant woman before him. "I believe you'll find that Wufei is extremely straight; perhaps you'll be able to ring up his purchase." His tone was cold, and the obviousness of his relationship with Quatre-and more importantly, his money-had the manager trying to ring the doll up himself. But Trowa wasn't going to allow that to happen; he intended to make a point.  
  
"No. You don't touch it. You," he looked back at the woman who flinched under his bitter stare. "Run it through. I trust you won't be worried about touching the package. If so, I'm sure Quatre wouldn't mind if you got another doll exactly like the one on the counter. That is if you're afraid of catching some terrible disease." He looked at Quatre and smiled wickedly. "Love, how fast do you think news of a store refusing to sell to its customers because of bigots at the register would travel? Do you think it could be across the Earth and to the Colonies by daybreak tomorrow?"  
  
Duo answered for him, his voice tight, death dancing behind his eyes. "Oh, I bet with Quatre's resources, it could travel a lot faster than that. Gee, Heero, isn't that against civil rights, or something like that?"  
  
Heero's smirk was priceless. "In some parts of the Earth-here being one of them. Not to mention how easy it would be to add this place to the 'Audit Immediately' list. I wonder how clean their books are, especially during Christmas? They might actually have to shut down for the season to get the required materials ready for the audit."  
  
"Yeah, and I wonder how long this shitty store will last with two or three months of inactivity due to that very same audit? It'd be such a shame if the snob central toy store had to get shut down, don't you think so Quatre?"  
  
The nearly white color of the store manager had Quatre smiling. "Yes, that would be terrible."  
  
"Shaanen, get up here and ring Mr. Winner through, now!"  
  
In a moment, the doll was through the register, and Wufei was presenting his credit card for the deduction. Then Trowa spoke again.  
  
"You know, Quatre, I don't think we need that doll after all. Shall we see what else this town has to offer?"  
  
His back pressed into Trowa's chest, Trowa's arms wrapped and clasped at his front, his hands resting on Trowa's biceps, he looked into his lover's eyes; a playful smile on his upturned face. "You think we should get something different?"  
  
"We wouldn't want to jump into anything. It is a very large sum of money. We should shop around and see if we can get it at a lower price somewhere else."  
  
"Oh Trowa, you're so smart! I didn't make 879 Trillion credits without shopping around for a good price. Wufei, let's go. I don't think I like the sales people here very much; they're awfully rude, if you ask me."  
  
The manager's face dropped, his mouth hanging open; and Duo couldn't possible resist that type of temptation. As they moved to leave the store, their arms around their respective partners, he turned to Heero. "You think that audit list has any openings?"  
  
Heero smiled back at him, delivering a sharp kiss before answering loud enough for the entire store to hear, "After today, it won't."  
  
But outside Quatre felt his strength leave him. He sagged against Trowa the moment they were out of view of the display windows.  
  
Trowa's grip on him tightened. "Quatre, are you alright?!" Such concern, all directed towards him.  
  
He attempted a weak smile that looked more like a grimace. "Yes. Maybe we could sit somewhere for a moment; I'm a little tired."  
  
Strong arms pulled him forward until he was flush against Trowa's hard chest. Firm hands held him close, broaching no argument that Trowa did not planned to let go of him anytime soon. Quatre rested the side of his face against Trowa's chest and looked at Duo who had a mixture of sadness and fury written on his beautiful features.  
  
Quatre took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm ok, Trowa. It's just-I'm just a little tired now. I'd like to sit for a few minutes; then we can get back to shopping." He felt Trowa nod, but he didn't release his grip; instead he turned to Wufei, talking over Quatre's head.  
  
"Would you three mind getting a table at the café we saw on the corner? Quatre and I will be there shortly." Quatre watched Duo nod for them, and then he and Trowa were alone, standing next to an alleyway. Insistent arms shifted until Quatre was just able to walk down the street at a slow pace, still wrapped up tightly against his love.  
  
"Talk to me, Quatre."  
  
He closed his eyes, allowing Trowa to walk them very slowly down the block towards the café. "I'm sad. I don't understand why people have to be like that. Love is so rare, so precious, it doesn't matter what it looks like, or what package it comes in; it's a miracle no matter what." He felt Trowa nod above him, his chin tapping softly on the top of his head. "She made me so mad. I wanted to scream and yell and cry all at the same time." He looked sheepishly up at Trowa. "I'm sorry by the way; for the flair in the link. I didn't do it on purpose."  
  
"Don't apologize. I wasn't there. You used the link to call for me, and I heard you. I came to you, didn't I?" Quatre nodded. "I'll always come when you call me, Quatre. Always." He dropped a light kiss onto his forehead. "Tell me more."  
  
Quatre smiled slightly; Trowa was trying to get him to talk and not keep the hurt inside. "I don't think I want to shop there ever again." Trowa chuckled but agreed. "And I think we should stick to the smaller shops for the rest of the day. I don't really want to do that again." Trowa nuzzled his hair, and Quatre sighed; he was really tired.  
  
They reached the café and sat at one of the back tables with a nice view of the people walking by. The weather was too hot this close to the equator to order the normal fare of hot apple cider and hot chocolate, so instead they ordered fruit drinks and sat for a moment, allowing Quatre to regain his bearings.  
  
"Thanks, everyone. I know that wasn't the most pleasant experience. I appreciate what you all did."  
  
"Quatre," Wufei's voice still held a mark of anger. "That woman was beyond dishonorable, and I'm not even going to go into how plain wrong she was. She deserved to be publicly humiliated and worse! I have a feeling she'll be looking for a new job tonight." A sadistic and satisfied smile spread over the faces of the five pilots.  
  
"Still, thank you."  
  
"Hey dude, don't mention it. They were totally Dissing on Heero, too, and you know how defensive I can be of my man!" Heero offered a small smile, and Duo latched onto one of his arms, leaning his head against his lover's shoulder. "They didn't hurt your feelings too badly, did they, Heero?"  
  
Playing the game, Heero allowed his face to look wounded and pitiful; he even sniffled to add to the effect. "Maybe a little."  
  
"Those bastards! I'll kill them all!" Duo stood and pretended to move towards the doors to deliver the most painful form of death known to man or store clerk. "No one hurts my Heero!"  
  
A huge smile broke Heero's face, and he grabbed Duo about the waist and pulled the smaller man into his lap. "Maybe you could just kiss it and make it better." Duo quickly obliged, but still swore he was going to blow the stupid store up until all the plastic was fused together into an unrecognizable mess of color. The others just laughed as Duo tried to explain what his plan was while not breaking valuable contact with Heero's mouth.  
  
Trowa squeezed his hand, and Quatre squeezed back. It didn't really matter what others thought, so long as they were together. He was trying to learn that fact in his sessions with Corinne; he still had a way to go. But today had taught him a valuable lesson: love may not be enough for some people, but it was enough for him.  
  
A few minutes later they stood and continued on their way. Eventually they gathered the tree-after a long, long argument about which one was fuller, the right size, and could hold the most number of presents under it. Six shops later, nearly four bags of ornaments, a crystal star for the top, and a base to hold the water, they worked their way to a small and inconspicuous toy store on the outskirts of town.  
  
"Trowa, let's go in and see if they have Marieminna's doll. I don't want to go home without it." Trowa nodded.  
  
"You four go ahead; I need to grab something. I'll meet you at the car. Maxwell, try not to play with the toys this time." Wufei called over his shoulder as he walked down the street.  
  
Duo stuck his tongue out at him before they walked into the small store. Trowa had his arm tightly around Quatre. Even if the store had a problem with them, this time, Trowa wasn't going to leave his side for anything. Quatre took comfort in that.  
  
"Good evening, can I help you?" A young woman, most likely in her early twenties sat behind the counter, a bright smile on her face.  
  
On the defensive, Trowa answered first. "We're looking for the new AI doll, one with red hair and blue eyes. Do you have one?" His voice held little emotion, and Quatre felt bad for the young woman who was sure to have felt the chill.  
  
But she just looked up at the ceiling, obviously thinking back over her inventory. "You know, we just got a small shipment in today, I think there may be one with red hair and blue eyes, but I'm not sure. If you don't mind waiting a moment, I'll bust open the crate and take a look."  
  
Quatre smiled at her. It would have been impossible to miss the fact that the four men that stood stiffly in her shop were together; and she didn't seem to care. "Yes, if it's possible. There'd be a very pretty little girl back home who'd like that very much."  
  
She smiled, standing up and moving around the counter. "My daughter's the same way. She's been begging me to get her one. I actually can't wait until Christmas morning when she sees it. She has the cutest smile when she gets excited. I'll be back in just a second." She disappeared into the back, and Quatre looked up and gave Trowa a huge smile.  
  
A few moments later the woman returned with a triumphant look in her eye and a square box in her hand. "You're really lucky; of the entire shipment, this one's the only one that has red hair and blue eyes. I'm glad I had one for you."  
  
A sudden idea struck Quatre and he smiled at no one in particular. "How large is your shipment?"  
  
"Oh, you mean how many do I have left? Um, probably about ten or so, but they're all different kinds; did you know there are over a hundred different styles for these things?" She seemed stunned but laughed at the stupidity of it all. "I guess parents are willing to do whatever it takes to please their kids though."  
  
Quatre smiled, solidifying his idea. "How about accessories? There must be quite a few?"  
  
"Yep, this baby comes with everything every little girl needs to feel like a real mom. In fact, it's a little scary."  
  
"Is it possible for you to get more of these dolls before Christmas?"  
  
She looked questioningly at him for a moment. "I suppose, but my store isn't exactly huge. We don't get all that many customers because of the large toy store in town. I think this shipment will last me into the spring at least."  
  
Quatre loved this part, and Trowa's gentle squeeze, not to mention Duo's huge smile, let him know his friends understood. "Actually, I'd like to buy you out of your stock and also the accessories that go with it-all of them. I'll need a lot more than ten though-probably closer to two hundred or so, in all variations, with accessories to go with each. Is that something you can get?"  
  
He watched her face fall in shock. "Um, I-I think so-I mean yes-yes of course!"  
  
"Wonderful, the servants that stay on my estates full time have quite a few children. I think that two hundred will be about the right number; but I'll have to check and get back to you on the exact number. Actually, now that I think about it, it might be more than that." He watched her face brighten.  
  
"Are-are you serious? Do, um, do you now how much this stupid thing costs?" He really liked this woman.  
  
"Actually, I didn't look at the price tag; is it a lot?"  
  
She swallowed, thinking she'd lost the deal but still happy to help, she answered. "Um, yes. The doll and one of each of her accessories will run almost five thousand credits." She smiled sweetly, letting him know that it would be alright for him to back out now.  
  
He heard Duo laugh beside him as he walked to the counter. Pulling out his credit card, he placed it face up on the counter. "My name is Quatre Winner; I own the Winner resource satellites and Winner Inc. a company based in the L4 cluster. If it'll help, feel free to run an account check, sufficient funds are available." He smiled to let her know he wasn't mocking her, only making a joke.  
  
Her eyes brightened. "You know, Mr. Winner, I may just close the store early today." They laughed, releasing the true sound of the holidays in their joyous tones. Quatre stepped back into Trowa, allowing himself to be wrapped in warm love yet again.  
  
Trowa leaned down and whispered into his ear, "She probably wouldn't have brought in that much revenue over the entire holiday season." He looked up at his partner, smiling at Trowa's simple way of discussing business. It made him smile to know that he would never need to know all the ins and outs of business and corporate running.  
  
"Probably, a lot longer than that, beloved. But I needed to get the children something nice, especially since this is the last Christmas they'll be working for me. Do you think they'll like it?" Trowa just kissed him. Quatre decided he really liked Christmas. 


	21. Chapter 20A

Two days later, the Christmas tree stood tall and proud in the private dining room of the pilots. The bright crystal star resided on top, promising a holiday not soon forgotten. It was by this very tree as Marieminna shook one colorfully wrapped present after another, that the first mission in over three months came through the wire.  
  
Lady Une stepped through the door to find her daughter by the tree, five pilots watching her with four smiles and one look of envy. "Duo stop thinking up ways of taking out my daughter to get her presents."  
  
They laughed as Duo sat back in shock and had the decency to blush. The young girl walked to her mother's side and took her hand, a huge smile on her face. But Lady Une cautioned her to be silent and then looked to the pilots with almost sadness in her eyes.  
  
"I just got a request from Zechs in the outer colonies. It seems there's an increase in terrorist activity in the region of outer L5. He's requested assistance in a scout mission to determine exactly what's going on. It's a fly in, look around, and fly out mission, the estimated time for return is forty-eight hours. I told him to expect you four in twelve hours; that means you leave in less than one, understand?"  
  
Quatre's heart felt as if it would smash his ribs; the pounding was so fierce and painful. Trowa had to go on a mission, and he couldn't go with him. Trowa would be leaving him. He'd have to make all his own decisions; he couldn't do that yet!  
  
"Ms. Une, I know I'm not on the list yet, but I'm sure under the circumstances, Corinne wouldn't object-" her hand came up to cut off the rest of his sentence.  
  
"I'm sorry Quatre. I went directly to her before coming here; she refused to add you back on the list; and believe me, I used every OZ trick I had up my sleeve." She gave him a weak smile that did absolutely nothing to stop the pain in his chest.  
  
He felt panic overcome him, and he knew from the look on Marieminna's face he must have shown it. But he didn't have a choice; Trowa couldn't leave him. He tried to stand, intent on convincing Lady that Trowa couldn't possibly go; that he had to stay with him. But strong arms pulled him from his place on the arm of the couch and into a lap he knew very well.  
  
"It will be alright, Quatre."  
  
He wanted to cry, to scream, to protest that it wouldn't be alright, that he'd die without Trowa here with him all the time. How could he have allowed this to happen? He should have insisted that Trowa get out of the military the moment they were together, the moment that Quatre's money could have provided them with everything they needed. He tried to be strong, not wanting to worry anyone with his fears; he couldn't help the slight tremble in his voice. "But, Trowa."  
  
His lover looked pointedly at Lady Une, and the woman quietly left the room, worried daughter in hand. Then Trowa returned his gaze to him, running comforting hands up and down his back, hoping to sooth the worry he could feel there.  
  
"Quatre, you've been doing very well in your sessions, and I'm very proud of the way you've been handling everything lately. Corinne wouldn't have put me back on the list if she didn't think you couldn't be without me for a little while. She's impressed with your progress, and so am I. I know it's unnerving and a little frightening right now, but it will be alright. You've become so strong this last month, and you know that I'm only a com- signal away. Half a day there, a full day scout, and then half a day back, I'll be back with you in my arms before the weekend. Then we'll do something together to celebrate-maybe go to your Crystal Estate in New America. Won't that be fun?"  
  
The apprehension didn't lesson, but just knowing that Trowa was proud of him, happy with his progress, him wanting to come home after a long mission and go somewhere private and romantic-it was enough, but only barely. He nodded his head slowly but refused to remove himself from Trowa's lap. With a slight chuckle, Trowa stood, Quatre in his arms, and moved to the door. Quatre saw the smiles on the faces of his fellow pilots; they were proud of him as well.  
  
In their rooms, Quatre packed a carry bag for Trowa, a change of clothes, and some emergency supplies. His lover sat on the bed going over the mental list that all the pilots had created during their days in the war. By the bathroom door, Quatre turned around and did his best to memorize the sharp features of his long time partner.  
  
It wasn't so much that he was afraid that Trowa wouldn't return-he didn't think that would ever happen-instead it was the fact that Trowa often pushed himself to injury during missions. There were too many times to count where Quatre had sat in a chair next to Trowa's infirmary bed listening to Sally explain all the new medication and physical therapy he would have to make sure Trowa took and went to. He didn't want that to happen this time.  
  
"Trowa."  
  
Taking a moment to pause in his mental dialogue, Trowa looked at him.  
  
"Trowa, promise me you'll be careful up there. I'm not going to be there to watch over you, and you can get so damn reckless sometimes." He knew the moment it had left his mouth that the obscenity would cause Trowa to come to him, to see just how much this was hurting him.  
  
Long arms tugged him close, and he went, knowing there was some measure of comfort in the feel and smell of his beloved.  
  
"I promise I'll return to you, and I swear on our love that I'll be as safe as I can. After all, I do have something very important to come home to." All Quatre could do was hold him tighter. To know that he was sending his lover up to possible battle, and that all he could do was stay behind and pray; it was a new and terrifying feeling for him.  
  
Eventually Trowa pulled away from the embrace, tucked Quatre under his arm, and led him to the launch pad. The new mobile suits called Angels were being fueled to carry the pilots to the drop-point. In a group the five pilots stood, with Sally holding tightly to Wufei's hand. What happened next was completely unexpected; Sally started to cry.  
  
Silent sobs turned into great gasps for air as she turned away from Wufei and the other pilots. Stunned, shocked, and worried, Wufei reached for her.  
  
"Sally, what's wrong?" But she didn't answer, only continued to sob. True worry on his face now, the other pilots watched as Wufei moved to comfort his girlfriend. "Sally?"  
  
"I-I know I'm being foolish.it's-it's just that it's been so long.since you had a mission. I-I'd forgotten that I wasn't suppose to start worrying until after you'd already-already left." She sniffled, trying not to show how truly afraid she was for Wufei, the man she loved. However, the Chinese pilot covered his relief with indignation.  
  
"Are you telling me, that you're crying over nothing?! That's just like a woman, always weak."  
  
Suddenly, Sally fought back, answering the call Quatre also wanted to scream to Trowa.  
  
"How would you know!? To be left behind, to wonder for the next forty- eight hours whether or not you're still alive, or hurt or." Her voice trailed off into sobs that continued to stun the other pilots who had never seen this strong woman brought to such a form. It was obvious also, that neither had Wufei.  
  
With insistent but gentle arms, Wufei gathered the blonde haired woman to him. He rarely showed affection while in the presence of others, so it was a double shock to see him gently running his hands over her hair. He spoke softly to her in Chinese, and they watched her nod her head back to him.  
  
Then with a stern look, he faced the other pilots over Sally's head. "Don't any of you move, and Maxwell, if you say one word, I will never forgive you." The command issued, he lightly pushed Sally to arm's length before dropping to his knee before her. Sally's eyes grew large in understanding.  
  
"We have fought together, as opponents, and as one. You know the things about me that no one else knows, yet still you stay with me; still you weep at the idea that I may not return. But I will return. I will come home to you. My soul once belonged to the spirit of a brave woman warrior, and now once again, it does as well. I ask humbly that you consider to be my wife, allow me to watch over you as a man should a woman, as a husband must a wife. Say you will marry me, give me a home to come back to, a family to wait for me. Marry me, Sally."  
  
Large tears cascaded down the older woman's cheeks as Wufei withdrew a box from his pocket and extracted a perfectly sized diamond ring. She gasped and could do little more than nod her head and mouth the word 'Yes'. And then he stood, placing the ring on her left hand and bringing the palm up to kiss. He smiled at her before wrapping her into his arms and seeking out her perfectly trembling lips.  
  
When he pulled away, he smiled brightly at her, his own eyes moist with joy. "I have to come back to you now, Sally, to not would be dishonorable. More importantly, I have to come back because I love you." He pulled her into another kiss, one that seared the heavens and painted the sky the colors of the warriors of the past.  
  
"I think I'm going to cry," Duo said, clinging to Heero and wiping his eyes on Heero's sleeve. Quatre nodded and snuggled back into Trowa. "Wufei, Sally, oh man, congratulations." A chorus of congratulations echoed from the others until everyone had hugged the newly engaged couple and expressed the fact that it was about time.  
  
And then with a heavy and yet lifted feeling, the four pilots boarded the Angels. Together, Quatre and Sally stood, both praying for the safe return of the men they loved. When the Angels were gone in the wake of clouds and night sky, Quatre tucked Sally under his arm and pulled her back towards the base. Together they offered each other words of encouragement and tried to pass off as fact that their loved ones and friends would return safely home. Secretly, they both shuddered in fear.  
  
* * *  
  
"Trowa! How's it going?"  
  
Quatre stood in the observation room. The communication signal had come through the line while he'd been in headquarters cleaning up some paper work. He'd been so restless since Trowa had left the night before, he hadn't slept a minute, feeling too alone and lost. But it was morning now, and Quatre felt his spirits lift at Trowa's beautiful face on the screen.  
  
"Hello, Quatre. Things are well. We've just made it to the drop point and had our briefing with Zechs. We're preparing the Angels for the cover work." Trowa seemed genuinely happy to see him.  
  
"I miss you, Trowa, but I've been good. I even went to my session with Corinne early today. She's let me do the write up for the mission you guys are on. It's great to know I'm helping, even if it's just a little."  
  
Trowa smiled, "I missed you, too. I forgot how lonely it is to sleep the night without you in my arms." Quatre's smile widened at the compliment. "I'm glad to hear that Corinne's letting you do some work; I know you were anxious to get back to it. You are taking it easy, aren't you?"  
  
He nodded. "Yes, and you and the others are being careful, right? No tricks or games, especially between Duo and Heero. Those two will get you all killed if they decide a game of tag is in order."  
  
Trowa gave a short laugh. "No, they're behaving themselves. Actually Duo's been too busy teasing Wufei to do much of anything else. I'm happy to report that Wufei has asked Duo to be his best man."  
  
"Oh, Trowa, that's wonderful! Duo will be great at that!"  
  
"Yes, it seems he's already planning the bachelor party."  
  
"Oh no! He isn't, is he really?"  
  
Trowa just nodded. Then suddenly Wufei's image was beside his. "Where's that woman I'm suppose to marry?"  
  
"I think I saw her talking to that doctor from L2. You know, he's really handsome-a lot like Trowa."  
  
"WHAT!? I only asked her to marry me thirteen hours ago! Don't tell me she's already looking for a replacement!" He and Trowa laughed at Wufei's distress.  
  
"Wufei, I was only kidding. Sally wanted to talk to you privately. I'm supposed to transfer the call as soon as I'm done getting the report and talking to Trowa." At that Wufei nodded and made Trowa promise to call him when he was done.  
  
Trowa smiled at him. "That was very mean, Quatre."  
  
"I know, but I couldn't resist. Maybe I'm starting to turn into Duo."  
  
"Please don't say that."  
  
Together they laughed for a little while. Quatre didn't really care what they talked about, so long as he could see Trowa. He wished the link worked from this distance, but all he could feel was that Trowa was in outer space, just like before, before.after the ZERO. Quatre visibly had to shake off the feeling of fear that accompanied that thought. He looked to Trowa for a quick smile before he figured he'd better transfer the call before Trowa realized just how badly he was doing without him there.  
  
"Trowa, I know you're all on a time schedule. If I know Zechs, he's already wanted to leave twice since you called. Why don't you get Wufei and I'll transfer the call to Sally's quarters?"  
  
A concerned look crossed Trowa's face, and Quatre gulped. "Quatre, are you alright?"  
  
Lie!  
  
"Oh sure, Trowa. I just miss you, that's all. But you'll be home soon, and then we'll go on vacation together; the Crystal, right?"  
  
"Right. If you'd like, you can pack our bags and we'll leave as soon as I get there."  
  
"That sounds great. I miss you, Trowa. Be careful up there."  
  
"I will, Quatre. Take care of yourself; I'll be home soon. I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Trowa. I love you, too."  
  
Then with great difficulty, Quatre paused the connection and transferred it to Sally's line. Exhausted, he dropped to his knees and covered his face.  
  
So much could go wrong, and he was all alone. Trowa could get injured, could die, could never come back to him. The ZERO had showed him-all those years ago-that Trowa could leave him, could never come back. The ZERO had made Quatre into his own harbinger of destruction, and now his heart felt like he was reliving that moment all over again. He clutched his chest as the feelings of fear, loneliness, and abandonment washed over him. Trowa had willingly gone to space without him, had opted to leave him instead of staying behind. It was different than before, when Trowa had simply gone back to work at the headquarters-he was only a few hundred yards away, only walking distance; but now he was at least twelve hours away. What if he needed Trowa? His heart pounded at that thought. Trowa had been willing to give up everything for him, hadn't he? What had Trowa given up? Hadn't it been Quatre? Hadn't Trowa been willing to give up his relationship with him? But what was that worth? In reality, what was it worth to have Trowa willingly give him up? His sisters, had been willing to give up love and family, friends, comfort, security, everything; but Trowa, Trowa was only willing to give up him, to sacrifice nothing of himself.  
  
Suddenly Quatre shook himself. That wasn't true; it wasn't! Trowa loved him; he wouldn't leave him if he had any other choice. He had to go to outer space; he had to protect the people of the colonies and Earth from terrorists; that's what they did. If Trowa had had any other choice he would have stayed with him, wouldn't he? Of course he would have! He knew it, knew it in his heart and soul.but he'd been wrong in the past, hadn't he?  
  
Rising from his knees, Quatre walked to the desk and pulled out the chair. Once situated, he brought up the data file on the mission and began to input all the information Trowa had given him. It was better not to think, not to try and make any decisions while Trowa was away. Trowa would come home, come back to him and help him make the right decisions. He was just tired-too tired from the smaller choices he was having to make today. Once Trowa got home, he'd tell him how many sugars to put in his tea, he'd tell him. 


	22. Chapter 20B

* * *  
  
The call came in later that afternoon; it was coded a priority 3 Emergency call from the outer colonies of L4. Quatre took it immediately, fear lacing his entire being. He prayed silently that it wasn't Trowa.  
  
But as the screen called up, a very beautiful young woman with very long, very straight blond hair came into view. Her blue eyes smiled warmly at him. "Dorothy. Is everything alright?"  
  
She'd grown up since their first meeting exactly four years ago. "It's our anniversary. I wanted to see how you were doing." Puzzled, Quatre mulled over the unexpected call.  
  
Years ago, after the Marieminna incident, Dorothy had been left confused and frightened. Unbeknownst to any of his fellow pilots-including Trowa- Quatre had arranged for Dorothy to start her life over again. He'd given her a sizable bank account and a new permanent residence on L3. The position in his company had occupied her for about a year before she'd quit and gone to work somewhere else. She'd often send him one letter or another, letting him know she was alright or where she was traveling. But Dorothy had sworn him to secrecy about their friendship, and so he hadn't even written about it in his journals since he'd wanted Trowa to read them. There was something off though; she didn't seem right; her smile was a bit too big, her eyes slightly too wide; something was wrong.  
  
"I-I'd forgotten. But what do you mean exactly, anniversary?"  
  
She laughed just a little too loudly, a little too much like the woman who had waged a war to end all wars. "Well, if you'll recall, it was four years ago today that we both battled each other using the ZERO, do you remember now?"  
  
And he did. Images of himself struggling for control against his own mind flashed before his eyes. He had to latch onto the desktop to ground himself. "I guess you're right, but I wouldn't consider it something to celebrate."  
  
"Oh but, Quatre, you're missing the beauty of it. Have you forgotten the outcome of that fateful meeting? Without it, I would never have truly met you as the wonderful pilot and strategist you are, and we would never have become such enemies during the final battle. Blood for blood. By the way, how is that old wound?"  
  
Subconsciously, Quatre rested his hand lightly over the scar that still remained, reminding him of that last fight for freedom. "It's fine, hardly ever bothers me anymore."  
  
"Good. I wouldn't want that on my soul as well." Her voice was soft, drifting, as if she were saying it to herself and not Quatre.  
  
"Dorothy, are you alright? We haven't talked in a long time, but you don't look well. Is there something I can do to help?" Talking about the ZERO was striking a little too close to his earlier thoughts about Trowa; he needed to get away from that subject.  
  
Her tone was airy and light, not of this world. "No. Quatre, there isn't anything you can do to help. I've made all my own problems, and I'll have to solve them all as well. But maybe," she paused, looking at him closely, "Maybe, you could forgive me. That's why I called; I wanted your forgiveness. Of all the pilots that fought so bravely in the war, you managed to touch my heart. You and you alone were willing to die so that I might live. You never betrayed me, Quatre Winner; you were my friend." Her voice died out, her eyes were cast away from him, looking at the console in front of her.  
  
"Of course we're friends. And whatever it is, I'm positive I'll have no problems offering forgiveness, if that's even necessary at all." He smiled to try and warm her heart, but he could sense a feeling of hopelessness coming from her; how he could feel her from so far away, he didn't know.  
  
He drew in a sharp breath as he saw tears gather in her eyes, only to crawl sadly down her elegant face. She made no move to wipe them away; instead she kept her face tipped down, not daring to look at him.  
  
"Dorothy? It'll be alright, I promise."  
  
"No! Quatre, you mustn't ever promise something you can't keep! It would destroy your impeccable credibility." She smiled at him, but there was no mirth or joy in it-only pain and emptiness.  
  
"Alright, then I'll promise to hear you out and then judge you; is that better?"  
  
She sighed-a lost sound-and softly shook her head. "You can't do that; only God can pass judgment; only God can save a soul as lost as mine. But you've always tried anyway, always tried to be what so many others needed you to be; what I needed you to be. But has it been worth it, Quatre? All those people you thought you could trust, all those wonderful ideals you swore by; how have they fared since the end of the war? Have they met all of your expectations?"  
  
Did she know? Could she read his mind? His thoughts raced with questions and concerns. This wasn't at all like Dorothy-nothing at all. She'd been so excited the last time he'd spoken to her, hadn't she been? Could he really be sure? He'd been worried about his sisters at the time. Could he have missed her sadness? Then the words she now spoke-so close to the truth.  
  
"I don't think anyone can completely live up to another's expectations all the time. But there are some things-"  
  
"But are they enough? Is this new world filled with the promises and hopes you sacrificed for it to have? Are the people that you made those sacrifices for thankful; were they worth it, Quatre? Were they worth the pain, suffering, rage, and death? Was any of it worth it?"  
  
"I-I don't know, but I have to believe that they were. I have to."  
  
"You don't sound sure." And he wasn't. He wasn't sure about anything.  
  
"Dorothy, tell me what's wrong, and I'll help you. You can trust me."  
  
She let out a loud laugh, so filled with pain. "Maybe that's so, but you're a fool to allow me such faith. If you had simply allowed for me to trust you, that would have been one thing, but my dear Quatre, you allowed yourself to trust me back, didn't you? Even now, you put your faith in me, but you shouldn't. Because just like everyone else, I've betrayed you as well."  
  
His heart stopped, and in the silence that dragged on between them, flashes of his father's cruel beatings, his sisters' hateful words, Trowa only willing to sacrificing their love and nothing more, these images fell across his mind striking at him, weakening him further. He watched the neutral expression on Dorothy's face remain, never changing. He tried to answer. "What do you mean?" It sounded weak, just like he was.  
  
But Dorothy only seemed to grow sadder at his simple words. "I've betrayed you, Quatre. I'm sorry now that I did it, but I did anyway. I know you'll hate me, and that brings me such sadness, to know that we were once friends under false pretences. You see, I pretended to need you only to get what I wanted, only to take advantage of your kindness, only to betray you. And now you see why you cannot promise to forgive me; you cannot forgive me for such a betrayal. But I had to try, had to ask."  
  
He lifted a hand to his heart as a wave of agony washed over him, such pain and thoughts of death, such hopelessness. On the vid, he watched the young woman, so much like himself, pick something up off the console she was looking at, still keeping it out of view.  
  
"I want you to know that I regret it, but I don't think in the end that will matter much. What I've done to you, to the world, has sealed my fate in Hell. I worked for them because I had no where else to go, and I allowed those beautiful children to be completely destroyed while I pretended to care for them. You'll never find it in your heart to forgive me for that; not even the kind, caring and loving Quatre Rababera Winner has that kind of compassion. But I wanted you to know that I was sorry, and that I'll tell you what I can. Quatre." She called to him, making him look up at her, grabbing his attention. "They're in L3, Quatre. They're waiting for you, only you can set them free."  
  
And then she was lifting an object into the air, and it took a moment for him to recognize the pistol for what it was; the ivory handle setting off the gold detail of the inlay. Slowly she brought it to her temple and cocked the hammer.  
  
"NO! Dorothy, don't!!!"  
  
"I'm sorry, Quatre. I tried so hard to be good, to find meaning without war, but all I did was make it worse, make the world a more terrible place. They are weapons, Quatre, created for no other purpose than to kill and destroy, to start another war-a war to finally end all wars. I was a part of that, and I can't live that life any longer." She closed her eyes.  
  
"NO DOROTHY LISTEN! Listen to me! We'll talk, you and I! We'll meet somewhere, have some coffee and just talk! It can't be that bad-it can't be worth this! Your life has meaning; it has meaning! Please don't do this!"  
  
Her voice was distant as she answered, "Poor Quatre, always trying to see the best in people, he never sees the evil in them until it's too late. Don't worry, Quatre, eventually, you'll see that the world is entirely too evil to save, that there isn't any point left in trying. I did."  
  
"DOROTHY, PLEASE DON-"  
  
The report echoed across the millions of miles of space that separated them. Blood splattered the screen and caused the image of her falling body to be obscured in the most grotesque way. He heard her head hit the console before the screen when blank.  
  
A panic like none other rose up in his chest. He called out her name, not knowing why, as he scrambled for the console and com-unit. With sheer desperation he connected to the only person that could help him, the only one that could save him from the sight he had just witnessed; he called Trowa.  
  
Great sobs escaped him as he gasped for air to continue the struggle of life. But as the minutes dragged on, and there was no answer a cold and deathly silence replaced his earlier sounds. No answer. Trowa wasn't going to answer. His friend had died, had told him that life was useless, that she had betrayed him-yet one more person-and then she had taken a gun to her beautiful face and marred that beauty for all time. And Trowa wouldn't answer his call.  
  
There was no more doubt in his mind, no more curious wonder; there was nothing. What was the point? Dorothy had died letting him know that there was nothing, that everything he'd been fighting for had been a lie. His sisters' care, the guilt over the ZERO, Trowa's love; none of it mattered, none of it was worth the price. He struggled with himself, trying against hope to find some reason why life was good, why it wasn't clouded by betrayal, hatred, and dishonor. But there was nothing. Trowa had only been willing to sacrifice their love, nothing more, nothing real, nothing that would have truly destroyed Trowa in the end.  
  
But wasn't that the point all along?  
  
Wasn't that what he'd wanted, deep in the darkness of his mind; hadn't he wanted Trowa to fail?  
  
Yes, to fail and to set him free.  
  
What was left?  
  
Nothing.  
  
Struggling to his feet, Quatre moved to exit the main room. Outside, he passed countless people but never saw a single one. What did they matter? They'd all betray him in the end anyway. There was only one safe way, only one way out.  
  
The link was silent as he moved down the hallway to his quarters. Trowa wasn't there; Trowa hadn't ever really been there. At the door to his rooms he punched in the entrance code and stepped inside.  
  
His sister Liteea met him at the door.  
  
"You weak, pathetic, fucking, bastard!"  
  
What was left?  
  
Nothing.  
  
* * *  
  
Trowa was tired. A solar flair had blocked communication almost from the time he'd disconnected from Quatre. He hadn't been able to speak with his lover, or anyone else, in almost thirty-two hours. All he wanted to do was hold Quatre tightly, take a nap, and head over to the Crystal Estate.  
  
Duo and Heero laughed beside him at some joke. Wufei waited impatiently for the doors to open so he could get back to Sally; it seems she'd promised him a special surprise when he returned, and he wasn't about to wait any longer than he had to. The hangar had been completely empty, which was understandable, since with communications down, no one knew they were coming in with their cloaking devices on.  
  
"So Trowa, you and Quatre gonna take off right away?" Duo was wrapped around Heero, his hand resting suggestively on the other man's ass.  
  
"I think I'll beg for a nap first, and then yes, I think we'll be leaving."  
  
"Man, that's so nice. Heero, how come you never buy me anything nice like an estate?"  
  
"Because my credit card is made from tinfoil." They laughed heartily as they stepped out of the elevator. But their laughter died on their lips as they took in the haggard expression on Dr. Corinne Namon's face.  
  
"Corinne?"  
  
"He's gone."  
  
Her voice was defeated, completely devoid of all emotion except sadness and regret.  
  
Trowa wasn't in the mood to analyze. "What do you mean gone!?"  
  
She flinched under his tone and stare. "He received an emergency 3 com call from a friend of his, Dorothy Catelonia. The message was scrambled but we gleaned that she implied to Quatre that she had somehow betrayed him. Then she shot herself in the head, while Quatre watched and tried to stop her. From there, we know he went back to his quarters. We also know from the guard reports that his sister Liteea was waiting for him when he got there. Approximately three hours later, she left, and so did Quatre. That was over twenty-four hours ago; we've had dozens of soldiers sweeping the towns and surrounding areas but we haven't been able to find him. He took his car but ripped out the tracking beacon before he left. He ripped it out with his bare hands.there was still blood on the metal when we found it."  
  
They were silent; what could be said? Quatre had run, run away, and they didn't know where he was. 879 Trillion credits at his disposal, he could be anywhere in the known universe by now.  
  
"Why? Why didn't he wait for me?"  
  
"Because he didn't think you were coming back."  
  
In a flash he was staring deathly at her. "What do you mean? I told him I was coming back."  
  
"He tried to call you on the com after his friend committed suicide, but he couldn't reach you. We know it was because of the solar flair, but I doubt Quatre thought that far ahead. He was very agitated in the session yesterday, but I thought he would be fine until you arrived; but with all that happened, I think-his mind just shut down."  
  
"If you knew he was upset, why did you leave him alone!?!" He was yelling, something he rarely ever did. He saw Corinne's eyes grow huge, and she took an involuntary step back, away from him.  
  
Heero stopped him from following. "Trowa! Stop! It isn't helping. We need to find Quatre now, before he has a chance to really disappear on us. We have to think now."  
  
Think!? How could he think? His lover had been through so much, but he'd never run, never fled. Quatre had always trusted that he'd find a way to reach him, but this, this was so.he just didn't know.  
  
Heero recognized the indecision in his vacant eyes; he took charge.  
  
"Duo, get to the main room and bring up a map of the surrounding area. Mark off a section that Quatre could have gotten to in a car only in twenty- four hours. For now we'll have to assume that he hasn't left the land. Then call every hotel in the marked off area, and use every alias that Quatre's ever used. If he's in a hotel, find him. Wufei, check with the current efforts and find out what's been going on. You'll relay information back to the rest of us. Make sure someone's checking the shuttle departures and for God's sake, find that blasted bitch of a sister."  
  
Heero took Trowa firmly by the shoulders and shook him. "Trowa, you and I will start in town. We'll coordinate the efforts out there and do some searching of our own." Trowa felt himself shaken again, and this time he looked into solid blue eyes. "We are going to find him, Trowa. None of us will stop until we bring him home."  
  
But Trowa couldn't say anything. Quatre had left him, had disappeared with no clear way to find him. He'd failed, and now Quatre would suffer for it.  
  
"Trowa!" he looked up at Heero. "Let's go! Now!"  
  
The four pilots split up to find Quatre. 


	23. Chapter 21

He'd been scouring the town for nearly eight hours when the call finally came through.  
  
"Trowa, Heero, this is Duo at base, do you copy?"  
  
Heero answered, "This is Heero, over."  
  
"Trowa. Duo, what have you found, over."  
  
"Trowa, he's here. Quatre just came through the front gate. Repeat, Quatre is back on the base. Over."  
  
Relief washed over him and he felt tears settle into his lower lashes.  
  
Trowa needed to know, "Duo, is he alright? Over."  
  
Static. A long pause that wasn't due to a bad connection, and then Duo's voice a little shakier than before. "I don't think so. Corinne's going to him now, I'm going as soon as I finish talking with you. Over."  
  
Fear, the kind that grips your heart and tosses you around in complete terror. He hadn't felt like this in a very long time, a very long, but not far enough away, time.  
  
"Duo, get off the line and go to him. Make sure you stay with him until I get there. Don't leave him alone. Over."  
  
"I'm on my way. Duo out."  
  
The line went dead and there was nothing more to do than to get back on his bike and race towards the base at speeds beyond anything even remotely considered safe. Quatre had returned to the base, returned home. Maybe it wasn't that bad after all; just a set back, just another set back. But the link was closed-nothing came or left through it. Why hadn't Quatre called to him yet? Why had he been at the base for five minutes yet hadn't called for him?  
  
He didn't want to know the answer.  
  
Twenty minutes later, he dumped his bike on the floor of the garage and raced to the elevator as fast as he could, Heero met him at the doors.  
  
Together they rode up silently, Heero's hand resting on his shoulder in comfort. It didn't help. A hundred feet down the hallway, thirty feet down the left, make a right, then go another thirty feet, punch in the pass code, wait for the release, step through the door-gasp in fear.  
  
Duo sat on the couch, tears streaming down his face. He was in Heero's arms almost the second they were through the door. Trowa didn't have time for this.  
  
"Duo, where is he? Where's Quatre?!"  
  
But all the braided American could do was point towards their bedroom.  
  
With the agile grace of a hunting panther, Trowa walked to the doors of his bedroom, a place that had existed as a shrine to true love for him since he'd learned what the word love really meant. He barely heard Heero pulling Duo behind him.  
  
At the doorway he stepped through and heard the telltale sounds of water running. Wufei and Corinne stood next to the closed bathroom door. She turned to address him.  
  
"He's locked the door, and we don't have the pass code. You'll have to open it."  
  
He nodded and reached for the keypad. Once the code was entered, he stepped though, and like so many weeks before, was assaulted by a wall of steam.  
  
"Quatre?"  
  
No response.  
  
As the steam cleared Trowa saw the full extent of Quatre's pain. Every drawer in the place had been opened, the contents spilled onto the counters and floor. Towels were thrown viciously around and lay crumpled everywhere. The large mirror that covered the wall above the sinks was smashed, distorting the image of the blonde man huddled with his knees tucked into his chest in the shower, allowing the burning hot water to scald his naked flesh.  
  
"Quatre."  
  
Trowa was in front of the shower's closed glass door in a second. He didn't dare open the door, right now he couldn't afford to scare Quatre.  
  
"Quatre, can you hear me?"  
  
His lover had his hands in front of him, and he seemed to be examining the lines on his palms and fingers. He didn't acknowledge his presence, but continued to sit curled over as he looked at his hands.  
  
Desperation called to him, and Trowa tried again. Hoping that Quatre would respond as he had before, Trowa attempted to command him.  
  
"Quatre. Answer me!"  
  
SMASH!!!  
  
The Arabians hand smashed into the glass directly where Trowa's face had been. The gold ring on his finger shattered the glass, causing it to line and splinter away from the contact point. When Trowa managed to look past the racing lines, he saw a look of pure hatred on Quatre's angelic face.  
  
"Why should I?" Quatre's voice burned with as much hatred as his face expressed. Cold eyes stared at him with a rage Trowa had never seen, not even when Quatre had been controlled by the ZERO.  
  
"Quatre, listen to me-"  
  
"WHY SHOULD I?" He saw Quatre clutching his bleeding hand, the one that had smashed into the glass. And then Quatre was looking at his hand again, studying the way the blood pooled and then released when he opened his fingers.  
  
"There was a solar flair, I couldn't receive com signals. Quatre, I'm here, I didn't leave you."  
  
But he could see Quatre wasn't listening. Quatre continued to watch, mesmerized as the blood in his hand collected, and then drained down with the rest of the water.  
  
"You're a bad liar, Trowa."  
  
He shook his head fervently. "No Quatre, I'm not lying, it's the truth. Ask Heero, ask Duo. It was a solar flair, I swear it!" Desperation painted his voice, and it took all of his strength to remain on the other side of the glass, watching his lover doubt him.  
  
"They'll lie for you. They don't care."  
  
"No, that's not true. Duo is your best friend; he'd never lie to you, never. You know that Quatre. Please, come out, please. We'll talk, straighten this out; you'll see, I'll explain everything. Quatre, please!"  
  
But the blonde only shook his head no, before returning to look at his hand.  
  
"Quatre."  
  
"Do you know the difference between pain and agony?" His voice was muffled, as he traced the lines of the cut across his palm with his finger.  
  
Trowa did nothing.  
  
"Pain is a very simple thing. It hurts. Something physical is pain. This cut on my hand, that's pain. It can be overcome; people do it everyday. We did it; we used to do it all the time during the war. It isn't hard, it only takes practice, and even a weak person can hide the pain. I use to do it all the time, pretending nothing hurt me, that I could withstand anything with a smile on my face. Seeing Dorothy blow the top of her head off yesterday, that was pain, it hurt. Agony is something completely different.  
  
"Agony isn't something physical, it doesn't hurt like a cut, or even a severed leg. It's a mental thing, attacking the mind. It uncovers even the best-intentioned half-truths. Agony can't be hidden from, it's always there. Once you have it, it never goes way; it stays with you no matter who tries to make it disappear or lessen it. You can't pretend it's not there because it rules your life, controls every move you make from the moment it arrives to the second you die. But I'm an empath, I'm the one person in the universe that can hide from agony. I can bottle it up inside and keep it from the light of day. Sure I have to steal emotions from others to help me keep it hidden, but the agony can be hidden. However, it still destroys me like it does everyone else, just slower, with more pain- physical-than others. Physical and mental, pain and agony.  
  
"Which one do you think hurts more, Trowa? Which one do you think hurts more? To be stabbed through the heart with a knife, or with false promises of love and forever? Which hurts more, death or betrayal?! Well, ANSWER ME!!!"  
  
Huge tears tracked down his face as he saw for the first time that this wasn't just a set back for his love, it was the end. He shook his head no.  
  
"Oh my beautiful Trowa. Don't cry. It's not your fault. I'm the one that didn't teach you right. I taught you love, how to give it and how to receive it, didn't I? But I'm a terrible teacher Trowa, I couldn't teach you what I needed. It's not your fault, you can't help not loving me enough, it's all right, I understand. Don't worry about it. Nothing lasts forever."  
  
And then Quatre was reaching for something in the shower and Corinne was screaming at Trowa to stop him. He saw the flash of the broken metal razor as he rose to his feet, as fast as the eye could track. He didn't think, only reacted, as he threw open the door and knocked Quatre's hand away, the blade falling from his fingers.  
  
Then he was on top of Quatre, his knees on either side of his lover's naked waist. His hands had both of Quatre's in his own, and he was struggling against a strength he didn't know Quatre possessed.  
  
"NOOOOO!!!" Quatre fought, kicking at him, lifting his body up off the floor of the shower stall in an attempt to buck him off. He didn't notice the burning water on his back, only the burning hatred in Quatres eyes.  
  
"Quatre, stop!"  
  
"GET OFF ME!!! Get off me now, Trowa! Damn you, damn you to Hell!!! I trusted you, I loved you more than I've ever loved anything in the universe!!! But you never loved me did you???!!!! You never gave a damn about me!!! You weren't willing to lose anything Trowa! I worked through your lies and betrayals! You only gave up me, you only gave up me! I sacrificed everything to be with you! I gave up all I've ever had, all I've ever loved to be with you, and all you could give up was me!! Damn you, damn you to Hell, Trowa!" Quatre continued to struggle, fighting with all his small body housed to get away from Trowa.  
  
Tears bleared his vision, mixing with the water that splashed onto Quatre's water burned chest.  
  
"No, Quatre, please."  
  
"PLEASE! How dare you ask more from me, how dare you!?! You who won't give up anything, you who doesn't care enough-love me enough-to lose anything for me! Who abandoned me!"  
  
And then, suddenly he stopped struggling. His raised knees settled into two straight lines that ran the floor, while he dropped his hands to his sides, and slumped against the wall of the stall. He turned his face away from Trowa's and looked out the open door to the broken mirror; looked to his shattered world. When he spoke, his voice was barely a whisper.  
  
"I hate you, Trowa. I hate you."  
  
And then he closed his eyes and fell limp, every muscle in his body giving up on the struggle. Trowa fell with him, allowing his knees to un-flex and his body to rest lightly against Quatre's. He removed his hands from Quatre's and took the angelic face into them, trying desperately to wipe all the scalding water from his flushed face.  
  
Sobs broke his body, and he wept as he continued to try and remove all the traces of water from Quatre's face. His voice was pure agony and pain, mental and physical.  
  
"No.Quatre no.please no.Quatre.no."  
  
He pulled the limp body up and against him, cradling his lover, begging him in action and word, to hold on, to come back to him. That he was here, that he hadn't left, that he'd never leave him. He cried out that he loved him, had always loved him; that nothing else mattered but him. But Quatre didn't stir, didn't move, only allowed Trowa to hold him like a child does a rag doll; something without emotion or life. Something already dead.  
  
He wept tears of such suffering and fear that he felt his heart dying with each gasp of breath he took. Quatre couldn't give up, he couldn't; he couldn't leave him here all alone.  
  
"Quatre.please.oh god please.Quatre.please."  
  
He felt the burning water stop its rain of pain on them both, but still Trowa could do nothing more than call to Quatre, call to his shattered lover, and beg him to see the truth, to see how much he loved him how much he needed him.  
  
"Trowa." A very soft, feminine voice filtered though the agony around him. He looked into the tear-streaked face of Corinne. "Trowa, lets get him out of here and into the bedroom. We need to dry him off and check for injuries." Her words took a long time to sink in and when she tried to help him lift Quatre, he literally growled at her until she moved cautiously away. Then he lifted Quatre into his arms, whispering to him, still promising forever and always with every breath he took. Quatre would hear him, he'd eventually understand. Quatre didn't hate him, he loved him, more than anything in the world; just as he did him.  
  
Quatre had been wrong; giving him up was everything in the universe to him. Without Quatre, he would have died long ago, by his own hand, or his own recklessness. Only Quatre had given him a home worth returning too, only Quatre's love had promised him a place where there was no pain or suffering. To give him up would have been to give up everything he'd ever had, every hope he'd ever allowed himself to dream. Quatre's love was the greatest sacrifice he could have ever made; didn't he know that?  
  
Gently he moved towards the living room and rested Quatre's silent body along the couch, unwrapping a blanket to cover him, providing modesty and protection from cold. He watched the ragged in and out of breath that came from savagely bitten lips. His beloved was so hurt, so broken. He knelt beside the couch, running his hands along Quatre's face, through his hair and again, down his neck, trying to reassure his love with touch. His mouth still moved, issuing promise after promise, declaration of love and forever over and over. Quatre would hear him, he'd understand. He had to. He had to.  
  
"Trowa.Trowa." He heard Heero's voice but couldn't bring himself to look away from his lover. Firm hands wrapped about his face and physically turned his head towards a pair of stern blue eyes. "Trowa, you are soaking wet and Corinne needs to do a sweep on Quatre; you can't be touching him when she does it, remember? Trowa, come with me, we'll dry you off and you can come right back to Quatre." Minutes seemed to pass by as he allowed Heero's words to settle, then with a shaky nod and a long look back at Quatre, he stood and moved with Heero back towards the bedroom.  
  
Once there, Wufei and Heero helped him peel the wet clothing from his body, before replacing it with something drier. Wufei rubbed a towel through his hair, while Heero helped him with his socks, he didn't even take the time to feel self-conscious, he just had to get back to Quatre. Five minutes passed before he was back in the living room.  
  
Duo was kneeling in front of the couch, while Corinne lay slumped in a chair silently sobbing. Trowa had a terrible feeling, worse than that, he feared his own observations were actually true. "Corinne?"  
  
She started at her name and looked up at him standing before her. She closed her eyes and then stood and walked to the window. For a long moment she stood there, neither saying anything nor even moving. When she finally did speak, it was with tear-laced words and hopelessness.  
  
"He's given up, Trowa. He-he no longer wants to fight." She paused, wiping at her tears. "He wants to die and in the morning, he'll try again. I can't reach him, and even a sweep did nothing more than clear out his last remaining will to live. I gleaned that Dorothy said some horrible things to him at just the wrong moment, then her death, and his sister's visit, add that all to his reoccurring feelings of betrayal and abandonment, and Quatre's just decided it isn't worth it anymore." Her voice died into a quiet sound that broached no hope, no light.  
  
"There has to be something we can do."  
  
"Do you remember when I told you that because he was such a strong empath, he'd have to want to get better before I could help him? Well he doesn't want to get better anymore. In fact he doesn't want to do anything anymore. He just wants to die. But there's a problem."  
  
Trowa looked at her hopefully, a problem meant that Quatre could be stopped, didn't it?  
  
"What do you mean, is there a chance to save him?"  
  
A short and cold laugh escaped her and a fleeting thought ran through his head, that Corinne would never have acted this way unless the emotions coming from Quatre were blanketing her own in contempt and bitterness.  
  
"Oh there's a way. What does Quatre want? Answer: To die. But he can't, right? He can't die until you tell him it's alright; because he still thinks he owes you his life. This has all been a set up, from the very beginning, from the moment I got here, Quatre's been playing both you and I. I told you his subconscious wanted to get better, but that's not entirely true, part of it does, but the other half fooled me with his empathic abilities, it made me think it wanted too as well. So I followed his mind, telling you to do things like to take control of him, to master him if you will, and I played right into his game." She laughed bitterly, and Trowa saw the others in the room visibly shake at the sound.  
  
"You want the short and sweet version, here it is: Quatre's mind wants to die. To make sure that you'd let him when the time was right, it fooled Quatre first, into thinking that he wanted you to prove yourself to him. So his mind devised a test, the journals. What would you be willing to give up to be with him? Quatre's conscious mind thought it was the journals, that once you read them, he could trust you, but that's not the case. His subconscious was setting you up to look to Quatre's conscious- later on-that you hadn't really been willing to give up much of anything; that giving up him wasn't anything important to you. So his mind tells him that you giving him up is worthless, that you don't really care enough about him to even be in his presence. That's the first thing.  
  
"The second dirty trick is the whole issue of control. His actions tell us he desires to be controlled, so we find a way of getting you in control of him. I don't think we could have made a bigger mistake.  
  
"So here's how it all works, he tests you, and you pass the test; then he needs control and you give it to him; now he finds out you don't love him enough to give away anything important to you to be with him. All this boils down to the end result, Quatre wants to be controlled, he wants you to control him, and at the same time you have to give up something to him that will completely destroy you, to show that you love him. Understand yet?" She turned back to him, and then suddenly her face seemed to register the callous way in which she'd just uttered the fate of his most loved treasure and partner. She dropped her face into her hands and cried, letting loose the emotions Trowa desperately wanted to as well.  
  
"Corinne?"  
  
"Oh Trowa, what's the one thing in your life that would hurt you the most, that has in the past? The one thing that involves the most basic form of control known to man? The one thing in the world that if you had to do to Quatre, would save him, yet destroy you to the point where you'd resent Quatre for the rest of your life?" He stood quietly, waiting for her to answer her own question, praying she wasn't thinking what he thought she was.  
  
"He wants you to dominate him Trowa, because to do that you'd have to relive your past, when you were treated as nothing more than an object. He wants you to treat him the same way, to take him by force. In doing so you'll control him completely-exactly what he needs to feel, secure-you'll sacrifice the thing that will hurt you most in the entire world-to prove your love for him is the strongest he's ever known. But it will also make you resent him, and perhaps eventually hate him for allowing him to turn you into the thing you most hate in the world, a rapist. In this way it's Quatre's subconscious's strategy to get you to leave him, once you do that, Quatre can die in peace. Which in the end, is all he ever really wanted to do in the first place.  
  
"So you have two options, either let him wake up tomorrow and kill himself, or let him wake up tomorrow so you can force yourself on him and destroy yourself along with him. There aren't any others; eventually they'll all come back down to these two. If he hadn't given up.if he'd only held out a little longer. I'm sorry Trowa, I'm so very sorry."  
  
The tears came again, and Corinne sunk to her knees, wrapping her arms about her slight body and weeping, crying for Quatre's lost soul.  
  
Trowa stood stock still, no muscle in his body moved. This couldn't be happening. Quatre couldn't possibly want him too-it was insane! No person could ever wish that! But wasn't it obvious now that Quatre was insane, that he was sick, too sick to ever be fixed. NO! He couldn't believe that, he wouldn't give up on his lover so easily, Quatre wouldn't give up on him; he hadn't. All those years ago, when Quatre had waited patiently to bring him back from the brink. Every time he'd slipped, every time the memories of the past had jumped out, frightened him, caused him to push Quatre away in sudden fear and revulsion, Quatre had calmly waited for the memories to recede before gathering him into his arms and promising forever and safety. Quatre never complained that it was too hard, or that there wasn't a way, he'd never given up; and neither would Trowa!  
  
"No Corinne, I won't accept that. There has to be another way. Some part of Quatre knows I love him, recognizes that I can take care of him and love him the way he needs to be loved, the way he hasn't been in all these years. We need to find it. And if there isn't a way, if there's no other solution, then we already know what the answer will be."  
  
"Trowa, you can't. Corinne's right, you'd eventually grow to hate Quatre for making you do it. You'd be killing yourself and Quatre."  
  
"It doesn't matter Heero. Either way, I'll die, either way, so will Quatre. But I'll stall for as long as I can. Maybe with enough counseling, for the both of us, we'll be able to work it out." But he wasn't convinced, he knew in his heart that Corinne's assessment of the situation was correct, if Trowa did force Quatre he didn't know if he'd ever be able to forgive his smaller and more delicate lover. But he had to take the chance, because it was better that he suffer than Quatre, because he loved Quatre more than life, more than death. He was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to love him, exactly what Quatre needed him to do. Trowa would not fail him.  
  
"Trowa, be reasonable! If you rape Quatre, who's to say he'll still want to be with you when it's over?! He might really hate you after that."  
  
But the shaking of Corinne's head stalled his answer, "No, Quatre wants to be controlled, that's what he's looking for. He's tired of being the one in charge. When he was with Koeran, Koeran was the one that led Quatre, he was the one that did romantic things for him. Koeran took care of Quatre. We've only seen the strong Quatre, the one that fought in a war as a boy soldier of great prowls and skill, but he isn't like that at all. The tortures of his childhood have forced him to pretend to be strong, but in reality he isn't. He's had to pretend for so long he doesn't know how not too anymore. But if Trowa can dominate him like that, in that way, then his mind will recognize that Trowa really is stronger, really is the one that will be the giver, from now on. It's what he needs, to be cared for. He won't resist Trowa after that, he'll revel in the feeling of being cared for. That's all that will matter to him."  
  
Duo tried to protest, but Wufei's gentle grip forced the braided pilot to collapse into the Chinese man's arms instead; sobbing for his lost friend.  
  
"Then that's it, we need to find another solution. Corinne, I won't accept that this is the end. Quatre has been through too much, lived through too much, to allow death to come for him like this. I won't let it end this way. Quatre is my responsibility, and I'll do just that, take the ultimate responsibility for him if I have too. We have to find another way."  
  
Corinne looked at him for a long moment, neither agreeing nor not. Then finally, she nodded her head and stood. Approaching Quatre she knelt down next to him and took his limp hand. She closed her eyes, and with that, began her search to find an alternate method before Quatre awoke.  
  
Softly Trowa settled into the chair and stared vacantly at his lover lying on the couch. He'd never looked so quiet, so dead. Tears fell from his eyes, but he didn't move to wipe them away. He watched Heero and Duo settle into another chair, while Wufei walked to the com unit and called Sally. The night was going to be long, hopefully, it would bear fruit. If it didn't he knew what he had to do. He would not fail Quatre again.  
  
* * *  
  
Their room was dark, neither he nor Heero had bothered to turn the lights on. They lay on the bed together, neither sleeping, both thinking about the same thing, their best friends.  
  
"What's going to happen Heero?" Duo's voice was small, like a child, and Heero tightened his grip around his delicate lover.  
  
"With no alternatives, Trowa will force Quatre, turning himself into the very monster he feared as a child."  
  
"Is he going to make it though alright?"  
  
"Trowa?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"No."  
  
Duo shuttered and tightened his grip around Heero's waist.  
  
"Do you-do you think Trowa will eventually work through it? That he'll eventually be ok?" There was such hope in his voice, a pleading kind that didn't belong with the face before him.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh God Heero, what are we going to do?!"  
  
A deep and pain filled breath escaped him, "There isn't anything we can do. This is Trowa's decision. He has to do what he feels is right, he has to live by his emotions. He loves Quatre, more so than I think Quatre even loves him; he'll do whatever it takes to keep Quatre safe, regardless of what it does to himself."  
  
"We're going to lose them both, aren't we?"  
  
Heero didn't answer, instead he pulled Duo impossibly close, and held onto him as if he were a rock in the middle of a hurricane.  
  
Right now, only thirty feet down the hallway, Trowa was committing the ultimate sin, and he was doing it to save his angel of mercy. Heero closed his eyes, not daring to think about it. When the time came, he'd do his best to pick-up the pieces of his best friend, until then all he could do was try and hold himself together, along with Duo, who like him, was in danger of losing his best friend. There seemed to be no hope whatsoever.  
  
The tears slipped from his eyes and splashed quietly onto the pillow.  
  
Silent tears for a silent man. 


	24. Chapter 22

* * *  
  
He felt a light presence in his mind before it disappeared. A while later, he opened his eyes to find himself on his back, naked in his bed. Trowa was watching him to his right.  
  
Yawning, he stretched and smiled brightly at his lover. Vaguely he thought there was something he was supposed to remember, but he couldn't right now. All he saw was that Trowa was next to him-that Trowa was back.  
  
He reached out a sleep heavy hand and touched it to Trowa's cheek. "Morning." Trowa nuzzled his hand, and Quatre felt the slight stubble there; he smiled to himself.  
  
"Good morning, Quatre. Tell me how you feel."  
  
He sighed, breathing oxygen into his lungs and hopefully his brain.  
  
"I'm fine. When did you get home? I thought you and the others weren't going to get back until Friday?"  
  
Trowa nodded. "We did get back on Friday. Today is Sunday. Some things have happened, and you slept through them. Also, Corinne has blocked some things from your conscious mind along with adding a few suggestions."  
  
"Blocked? Suggestions?" He looked questioningly at Trowa. "She had to block something. Oh no, is everything alright? Are you alright?!" Panic raced through him as he attempted to sit up and examine his lover. But strong arms pushed him roughly back onto the bed. It was then that Quatre noticed that Trowa's expression had not changed since he'd woken up. He looked cold, not like he usually did when he watched Quatre awaken in the morning-more like how he looked to people outside of his comfort circle. Like Quatre was a stranger.  
  
"Trowa?"  
  
"Answer my question, Quatre. Do you trust me?"  
  
His voice hadn't changed, and Quatre felt both sadness and triumph; he didn't know where the latter emotion came from. Shaking his head he opened his mouth to say yes, of course, but when he did, he said the one answer he didn't understand. "No."  
  
For a moment he looked at Trowa, panic in his eyes. What was going on? Of course he trusted Trowa; he always had, always would. Trowa had proven himself, hadn't he? He thought he had, but Trowa said something about Corinne blocking something. What was she blocking? What had happened that was so terrible that his mind would tell him to say one thing, but his mouth would say another? Didn't he trust Trowa anymore?  
  
"T-Trowa?"  
  
"I love you, Quatre, and right now you can't understand that. But I'm going to show you, once and for all-prove it to you. Then your mind will finally understand that I will never betray you and that I will love you until the day I die, and beyond. I know you can't trust me right now, but try to remember this: I would never, ever hurt you if I could help it. Everything I do today will be because I love you. If you can't trust me, at least try to believe that."  
  
His voice was cold, calculated and nothing like the voice of his lover. A great fear gripped Quatre's heart and refused to let go. The link was closed, most likely by Corinne. He fought against the barriers that kept it locked down, but he couldn't seem to find the strength to open it. Out of desperation he used words.  
  
"Trowa, I don't understand. What's going on? You say it's Sunday, but last I knew it was only Thursday, and you were still in space. Now you say Corinne's done some blocking work on me, and I say I don't trust you even though I do, and now you're talking to me as if something terrible is about to happen. What's going on?"  
  
Trowa shifted until he was leaning over him, his expression like stone. Quatre swallowed. Something didn't feel right about this. Why was he feeling this way? Why was he feeling fear?  
  
"Quatre-"  
  
And suddenly, Quatre knew. Trowa was going to do it wrong. His mind raced, and he tried to open the link, tried to make Trowa understand without words that this wasn't the way. The way to what, he didn't know.  
  
But the link wouldn't open. It stubbornly refused to even crack a little, and Quatre realized that Corinne hadn't wanted him to feel anything from Trowa, to see only darkness. He shook his head no again, trying to express something that words couldn't.  
  
"Trowa, please, listen to me."  
  
"Do not struggle Quatre, it will only hurt more."  
  
He stopped moving and stared into Trowa, his eyes pleading for his lover to understand what he could not, that this-whatever it was-wasn't going to work if he did it this way-what Trowa was going to do, he didn't know. He felt tears gather in his eyes, and for a moment, he watched a strange emotion flutter down Trowa's entire body. Quatre blinked, and the tears fell.  
  
"It won't work this way, Trowa."  
  
He didn't fully comprehend what he was saying, couldn't understand, but Trowa seemed to. His lover sat back and away from him, his gaze never wavering, never changing.  
  
"I have to prove my love to you."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"This is the only way."  
  
"This way will kill us both." He closed his eyes and gasped, shaking his head. He didn't understand. Didn't know what was going on or what he was saying. It was as if a part of him was speaking that had never done so, as if this new part was struggling against all the rest of his mind and body. He reached a hand out to Trowa's, taking the flesh, limp and cold, between his equally cold hands. He brought it to his chest, and laid Trowa's hand over his heart.  
  
"Something-something isn't right. I can't-understand it-but it isn't right. But you know, Trowa. You understand. I have to tell you this, that whatever it is you're trying to do.it won't work-not this way; I don't know why, I just know it can't be this way. I don't even know what this way is, but Trowa.please."  
  
And then Trowa was leaning over him, laying a light kiss on his upturned lips. When he pulled back, his expression was still stony, but there was something else there, something he couldn't place without aid from the link.  
  
"Quatre, what do you need from me?"  
  
He felt his mouth moving, felt words spill forth from his lips that he had no control over. They weren't his words, not what he wanted to say, but he couldn't stop them-wouldn't stop them; they were right. He closed his eyes tightly when he realized what he was saying.  
  
"I need you to love me, Trowa. To search the unknown for me. To give what no one else will give. To sacrifice what no one else will ever have to. We make acquaintances and even friends in our lifetimes, and we ask them to give things to us, away from others-small things with little meaning. But you ask that we be together for eternity, and there is a heavy price for that. I'm not the person you thought I was. I'm not strong and brave. That's someone I created for you, for them, for everyone. But you want eternity, and as such, you have to be willing to see the real me; if you don't, it's a lie; it's what it has been up to this point. I need you to give me something, Trowa, something that tells me you love me, that you'll spend eternity with me; I need you to give me something, not take it away. If you take something away, you'll only kill us both."  
  
Quatre opened his eyes after a few minutes, tears streaming down his face. He wanted to deny the words he'd said, promise Trowa that they weren't true, but he couldn't, they were true. He tried to struggle against himself, but there was no use; he couldn't do anymore. It was now up to Trowa now.  
  
But Trowa didn't seem in any better shape than he was. Eyes closed, his expression had returned to its earlier stony form. It took a long time for Trowa to finally look at him, a long time for him to open his mouth to speak.  
  
"Do you want me to fail, Quatre?"  
  
He shook his head no, that he didn't, that he could never want Trowa to fail-to leave him. His mouth said otherwise.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Trowa closed his eyes again.  
  
"Have I lost you before this has even begun?"  
  
Finally his mind and body agreed on an answer.  
  
"No, Trowa. I'm very sick right now, but this one thing will set us free if done right. I need you, but if you can't help me, if you can't save me from myself then no one can. I've placed everything I am into you, in a way, you are me-are everything I was before this all began. Only you can decide what I need. Only you have the ability to do so. You know me, Trowa. You alone love me more than anyone else; what do I need? Tell me what I need."  
  
Tears streamed down his face. Trowa had to understand, had to see, had to try. He had to save them both. Silently he sobbed as Trowa continued to stare at him, watching his eyes release his pain through tears. Through it all, they never broke eye contact.  
  
"I need to show you that I love you, that I'm willing to give up the one thing in the world that will hurt me the most to prove it, and at the same time, I need to prove to you that I can protect you."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Quatre, I don't know how."  
  
He sobbed loudly and clutched Trowa's hand to his heart more firmly. "Yes you do, Trowa, yes you do. You have to give me-give me the thing that hurt the most, not the thing that caused the most pain, but the thing that caused the most agony. You have to understand! Give me the thing-show me what hurt the most. What hurts more-pain or agony?"  
  
And he saw it. The light entered Trowa's eyes suddenly, and his lover looked down at him and smiled for the first time. Quatre let out a short laugh but shook his head, needing Trowa to verbally say that he understood.  
  
"Agony hurts more, Quatre. Like you, for me, agony hurt more than pain ever did."  
  
"Yes, and what causes agony? Not pain. Pain will go away, it will disappear over time. What's the real agony of your past, the really emotional pain? Trowa!" His voice was desperate, crying out with his last bit of strength for his beloved to understand what even he still did not.  
  
But Trowa didn't answer the question, only took his hand from Quatre's heart and ran it through his blonde hair instead. He leaned over him again and began to kiss him passionately, sweetly, hungrily, and patiently. He laid the gambit of his feelings on the table, laid them out for Quatre to see and experience without the use of the link. And kisses became touches as Trowa's hands explored the contours of his body. Stroke after fleeting, hard, scratching, stroke fell upon his skin, and Quatre could do little more than beg for more.  
  
His body arched into Trowa's begging for more, demanding more. Quatre's hands scratched down Trowa's back, pulled at his hips for more contact, for understanding. But Trowa understood-just as his lover would always understand him.  
  
With a strength that Trowa had never used in the bedroom before, he pinned Quatre to the mattress and pulled away to look into his eyes. There was love there-so much love and compassion, and yes, understanding.  
  
"Trowa, I need-"  
  
"I know what you need, Quatre. I've been your lover for over three years. I know what you like and what you don't like. I know what you can stand and what will push you over that edge. I know what hurts you and what brings you the most pleasure. I know all of these things, just as you know them all about me."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then I will give you pleasure, Quatre. I will bring you to that place where pleasure and pain meet but agony does not exist. And when I am finished bringing you ecstasy, I will show you what I lost all those years ago. I will show you later, not now, because here I will give you something to show my love, and later, I will prove it to you-and prove I can take care of you."  
  
Quatre swallowed, his chest constricting as he watched Trowa, watched his lover, finally understand exactly what he needed. His breath was nothing more than gasps for air as he watched Trowa offer him a small smile before leaning down to kiss his throat.  
  
Quatre threw his head back and moaned. He tried to reach up, to touch Trowa's chest, arms, back-it didn't matter-with his hands, but Trowa's own hands locked around his wrists, preventing him from moving. He struggled for a second more before relaxing as much as he could under Trowa's ministrations; Trowa would take care of him.  
  
A warm pink tongue lavished his nipple, and he raised himself off the bed and called out his lover's name.  
  
"Trowa!"  
  
"This time is for you, Quatre. Let me love you-your body, your mind, your soul."  
  
"Yes! Oh god, yes, Trowa."  
  
He felt Trowa sweep his hands above his head and wrap his fingers around the beautiful design of the headboard. And then he pulled away from Quatre's body, pulled away to look at him, to see his eyes dilated with pleasure.  
  
"Keep your hands there, Quatre. Do not move them. Understand?"  
  
Quatre nodded dumbly. He'd do whatever Trowa wanted him too.  
  
Then Trowa was trailing his long, rough fingers down pale smooth arms. Fingers danced around the cool wetness his earlier kisses had left, and Quatre shivered and threw his head from side to side. To not touch, to not feel-either physically or emotionally-Trowa's body and mind-it was something new, scary, and amazingly erotic.  
  
He threw his head back and called out again as Trowa resumed his earlier explorations of his body using only his mouth. Quatre whimpered and struggled with himself to keep his hands where they were told to stay. He didn't dare speak.  
  
Trowa's body was working its way down his own, and with every inch he moved lower, his stomach and then chest brushed against the hard erection that Quatre could not have stopped even if he'd wanted to. Trowa's mouth worked his flesh while his hands ran the sides of his body, fingernails scraping skin and adding pain to the mixture of sensations. Quatre gasped and moaned, begging loudly for Trowa to continue, to give him what he needed.  
  
Then Trowa was at that place that had once connected him to the artificial womb he'd been created in. He remembered hating that small indentation in his skin, knowing it marked him for all time as nothing more than a creation. But Trowa didn't see it that way. Liquid heat firmly pressed inside, and Quatre jerked off the bed at the pleasure coursing through his body.  
  
"Trowa!"  
  
"Hush, Quatre. I'm not even close to being finished with you."  
  
Quatre moaned again and couldn't help the escape of one of his hands to wrap into the hair of his beloved. But Trowa only chuckled and lifted away from him. He scooted up his feverish body and wrapped his hand about Quatre's only to once again make his fingers hold on to the railing there. He then looked down into his passion-glazed eyes and tisked, shaking his head.  
  
"Now we have to start all over again, Quatre."  
  
He moaned, and once again, Trowa started at his neck and laid warm, wet kisses down the front of his chest, fingers once again raking across his skin. The sensation was too much, so much more than he could stand. He lifted his hips and pushed up and into Trowa's stomach. Strong hands locked about his hips and held them to the bed, but Trowa's mouth never left the nipple he was currently revisiting.  
  
"Not yet, Quatre, not yet."  
  
Slowly, Trowa worked his way back to Quatre's navel, and all he could do was shake with need and moan for release. Talented hands held his hips with just enough pressure to bruise, and Quatre knew there would be marks all over his once pure body when this act was through. A distant part of his mind told him that this was the way it had to be.  
  
He again felt Trowa's tongue thrust into that space, and he nearly screamed with the sensations. Again and again Trowa mimicked the future with his mouth, showing Quatre with precision what he could expect for later. He did little more than call out Trowa's name and do his best to keep his hands where they were suppose to be, knowing that should he slip, the torture would only begin again.  
  
And then one of Trowa's hands was pushing his thighs apart while the other locked across his stomach, pushing his lower torso firmly into the bed. Quatre looked down into his lover's eyes, and Trowa looked up at him. Both were breathing heavily.  
  
"Give me permission, Quatre. Tell me you want me."  
  
"I want you, Trowa, I, need, you! Please!"  
  
"Do not move your hands, Quatre, or we will begin this again. Understand?"  
  
Quatre nodded furiously.  
  
Slight male stubble rubbed against his erection as Trowa brushed his cheek along his length. Quatre strained against the arm that held his hips down and into place. He called with voice for Trowa to hurry-to save him. His lover obliged.  
  
A cave of moist, searing heat surrounded him, and Quatre screamed his need again to hungry ears. With slow and deliberate pressure, Trowa worked his body to a fevered pitch. His tongue caressed the base of his length while gently Trowa opened his throat to accommodate. Desperately Quatre tried not to thrust forward, knowing somewhere in his desire-addled brain that he could hurt Trowa doing that.  
  
Suddenly teeth scraped from base to tip, and Quatre's voice caught in mid scream. Head thrown back, he felt at once Trowa's hand digging into his thigh, and the cooler air surround his wet length before Trowa swallowed him again. His eyes rolled up into his head as the pressure his body felt became more and more intense. Trowa's hand reached up and firmly grasped the sack there, massaging its contents. Quatre gasped and cried out, desperately wanting to touch his beloved.  
  
Sweat dripped from his body, and he continued to pant. He held his body as still as he could while Trowa worked him towards that place where pain and pleasure met. Fingers on his stomach dug painfully into his skin, and Quatre again began to beg his lover to end it. But Trowa wasn't finished yet.  
  
Teeth and tongue began a merciless campaign against him. Tremors shook his body as it prepared for the culmination of all of Trowa's work. Gasping and panting, pleading and crying, Quatre begged Trowa, his body screaming for release. But again, Trowa only pulled him deeper, used more pressure, tightened his hand further.  
  
Quatre was sobbing now. He needed Trowa so badly, needed him more than he'd ever known. Trowa was real, was lying on top of him, doing things to his body that no one else ever had and would ever be allowed to do. Trowa's body, his mind, knew how to take care of him, but would he?  
  
And then Trowa lifted his mouth away, licking his lips and smiling brightly at him. Quatre moaned in protest and continued to beg with body and word. But Trowa shook his head.  
  
"I will do this right, Quatre. I'll do right by you. Listen to my voice. Listen to me. One word, Quatre, one word will set us both free. You'll be confused, but try to remember, this pleasure you feel, this pain, I gave it to you, I delivered it to you. One word, and I'll do as you asked; I'll give you something from myself, from my past. One word, and I will show you my agony, and we will be set free. Listen carefully to me, Quatre. I will set you free."  
  
Death. It could be the only thing Trowa was talking about. His mind cheered at the idea. Finally, he'd be able to rest. One last time with Trowa and then he'd be able to rest. But he didn't want rest, did he? He wanted Trowa, to be with him, to feel love and return it. Set free-what did he mean?  
  
"Trowa?" His voice was still strained by his body's need, while his mind begged that Trowa make him understand that which was still a mystery to his waking mind.  
  
But Trowa's mouth had returned, and Quatre was only able to slam his eyes closed against the exquisite torture. Trowa built the pressure up again, and Quatre strained against him, calling and crying out to him. And then he was there, that edge encompassing pure pain and pure pleasure. Trowa held him there, kept his body on the brink of something more amazing then what had come before. His body exhausted, every muscle strained against Trowa, every part of his body begging for release.  
  
With his teeth, Trowa pulled his mouth up his length, scraping and rendering pain like never before. And then, his lips around the very tip of his manhood, Trowa spoke.  
  
"Nanashi."  
  
Quatre's world exploded into mental and physical pain and release. His body shuddered and shook as Trowa took all of his seed into him. His world exploded, and all that was left was blackness and pain, light and pleasure. He cried out Trowa's name, called to him. Trowa was there, his body resting above his.  
  
With Quatre's release also came the word, Nanashi-the word that shattered the blocks Corinne had placed, the word that opened his mind back up to the things and events that had taken place over the two days he could not remember a moment ago. And with that knowledge came absolute rage.  
  
Throwing his hands from their place above him, he grabbed for Trowa's shoulders and pushed him away.  
  
"GET OFF ME!"  
  
But Trowa had expected him, had expected his rage at being forced like this, subjected to this by a block and suggestion. He grabbed his wrists and slammed them next to his head. Now Trowa was leaning over him, his whole body towering over his own. Quatre struggled, using all of his strength to lift his hands from Trowa's bruising grip, but he couldn't, he wasn't strong enough. Panic laced through him.  
  
"TROWA, GET THE FUCK OFF ME, NOW!"  
  
Trowa didn't let go, didn't acknowledge he'd heard a word Quatre had literally screamed in his face. He held him still, by the wrists, his lower body pressed into his own. Quatre felt a wave of disgust wash over him as he felt Trowa's erection against his stomach.  
  
"LET ME GO!"  
  
Trowa shook his head, forced Quatre to watch as his head moved from side to side.  
  
"This is what hurt the most, Quatre-"  
  
"GET OFF ME!"  
  
"This is what caused me the most agony-"  
  
"I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"  
  
"The rape was fleeting, it was only physical-"  
  
"TROWA, LET GO!"  
  
"But to have no control over myself or the situation-"  
  
"I HATE YOU!"  
  
".that hurt the most."  
  
"GO TO HELL!"  
  
"So I will show you my agony. I will become for just a moment-"  
  
"LET ME GO!"  
  
"The monster I swore I'd die before I ever became."  
  
Quatre struggled against him, kicking out with his legs.  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU FOR THIS, TROWA, I'LL KILL YOU!"  
  
"I'll take all your control away, so you can see what I'm willing to lose to be with you-"  
  
"YOU BASTARD, GET OFF ME!"  
  
"I'm in control now, Quatre. I will lose myself and gain the both of us. I will save us both. I will protect you, care for you-"  
  
"TROWA!"  
  
"I love you, Quatre."  
  
And then it stopped. Every muscle in Quatre's body released, and he felt his mind shift incredibly. He gasped and closed his eyes against the pain.  
  
Suddenly his mind seemed to open, and with a flash of light only he could see, the link opened, and there was Trowa. Trowa's mind, open and wide, inviting and protecting. One thought melted into another, and Quatre allowed Trowa's emotions to surround him, enveloping him in warmth and love. He felt his conscious mind meet his subconscious and merge, together as one after so many years.  
  
Conflicting thoughts and theories came together and melded into one mind, one thought.after so long. Trowa's emotions beckoned to him, and he lifted his own mind to reach for Trowa's. Together their emotions merged-love and trust, hope and promise filtered together and fitted perfectly into the consciousness of one young man who had never really had them.  
  
It continued for what seemed like forever though it lasted only a minute. Thoughts and feelings solidifying and stabilizing, never to be questioned again. He was finally whole.  
  
Tears fell from his closed eyes, but he opened them when he felt Trowa's hands brush them from his face. With a watery smile he gazed at Trowa-at his salvation. So long alone, fearful and scared, now he was staring at his freedom, at his future.  
  
"Trowa."  
  
"I am here, Quatre. I will always be here."  
  
He moved his released hand up and around Trowa's back, pulling his lover into him. This is where Trowa belonged; this is where they both did. The outside world was just that-outside-it didn't matter. Trowa mattered. Trowa was his future. He'd thought his sisters, his father-that they were important, that he had to care for them, but he was wrong. They weren't his responsibility anymore. No, his responsibility was to his family, and only Trowa was his family. His sisters were the past, Trowa was his future; Trowa was his family. Family would never betray him, never.  
  
"I-I made a mistake-you are my family, Trowa. You are my family now-not my sisters.family will never betray me. You are my family, my partner, my lover. You are my future. Trowa."  
  
He sobbed uncontrollably, the release of over a decade of pain far too much for his overtaxed body and mind. Trowa shifted, pulling Quatre over and drawing him tightly into his chest. He held him securely as he cried out his pain, letting it finally wash away from him, leaving room for the love the link was showing him. Trowa's love, his promises, his protection, filled the void that was left with light and hope-Quatre was finally free.  
  
"You did it right, Trowa.you saved us both.you set us free."  
  
A little while later, he fell asleep, his body exhausted beyond belief. His mind continued to do the self-sweep, removing things that didn't matter anymore, disregarding old pains and fears that no long applied thanks to Trowa.  
  
A love pure enough to lose everything for.  
  
A strength strong enough to protect with.  
  
A trust true enough to stand tall.  
  
A promise that only meant forever.  
  
His heart and soul, mind and body, were finally one-free of pain and sadness; were finally whole. Trowa had done that, had saved him.  
  
Trowa.  
  
* * *  
  
"Heero here."  
  
"It's Trowa. It's finished. Meet me in my room. Bring the others."  
  
"Understood. Trowa?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you alright?"  
  
"." 


	25. Chapter 23

Carefully he laid the sheet over Quatre's exposed body. His lover was curled into a pillow, his head resting on it peacefully, a small smile on his lips. Trowa smiled down at him before kissing his temple and moving to the bathroom.  
  
Showered and dressed in an open shirt and a pair of jeans, Trowa walked back to the bed and looked at Quatre's quiet form. He could feel Quatre through the link. It was open-permanently-he didn't know why he knew, but he did. He felt Quatre gather strength from his mind, searching through his emotions for the things he needed to banish the past from his thoughts. He thought of his love for him and then pushed that feeling through the link; he sensed when Quatre caught the emotion and sent it back to him, adding his own love to it. Trowa smiled and gently stood; he still had things to do before Quatre awoke.  
  
He'd allowed the others plenty of time to get there. With a deep breath and the reassuring feel of Quatre's mind against his own, he opened the door and stepped into the afternoon sun that spilled into the living room.  
  
Before him, he saw his friends prepared for the worst.  
  
Corinne stood by the window, but turned sad eyes on Trowa as he entered. Heero sat in one of the chairs; beside him, Duo held his hand lovingly, softly stroking it, offering Heero what comfort he could along with taking it silently. Wufei and Sally sat on the couch, side by side, hands clasped tightly together; Trowa watched the diamond ring on her left hand sparkle in the sunlight. A medical kit lay at her feet, attesting to what they all thought would be Quatre's state today. He saw Lady Une sitting at the desk a short distance from the others; obviously someone had told her the plan, because she-like the others-looked at him with a mixture of sadness and pity.  
  
Under the circumstances, he did the only thing he could-he laughed. A hearty sound that shook his frame with mirth and joy. They'd come here today to find Quatre, raped and lying in the bed-to find Trowa completely destroyed by his own demons and lover. He laughed almost hysterically as he released the relief he felt at knowing that he and Quatre had found another way. Wrapping his hands about his stomach, he tried to hold in the pain his overworked muscles were exhibiting thanks to his prolonged laughter. Tears streaked his face, and he wiped them away absently.  
  
He saw Heero clutch Duo's hand tightly at the sound before rising hesitantly to go to him, but he waved Heero off as he moved towards the group and sat lightly in the chair facing away from the window. He ran his hand through his bangs and pushed them from his face. He-like Quatre-had nothing to hide from anymore. Tipping his head back, he looked at the ceiling and sighed before looking back at the sad expressions before him. Corinne moved to sit on the coffee table in front of him. He looked at her. "He's fine. We found another way." Her face showed her shock, and she reached towards him to take his hand. He felt her mind brush against his, and he sighed; she'd soon understand. She shook her head, tears gathering in her eyes as she pulled from his mind and looked at him.  
  
"Oh my God, Trowa, you did it."  
  
He nodded. What else was there to do?  
  
"What-what do you mean?" Duo's frightened expression came into view as he moved closer to Trowa. "Trowa, what happened? Is Quatre ok?"  
  
Again he nodded. "Quatre is fine. He's sleeping. It was hard for him. He's trying to straighten out a few things."  
  
"Things? Trowa I don't get it! We all thought.that you were supposed to."  
  
"We found another way. Quatre is safe now. He'll never question me again."  
  
"But-"  
  
"Duo, would you mind stepping away from my boyfriend; you're a little too close."  
  
Trowa looked around Duo and into the warm blue eyes of his most beloved possession, Quatre.  
  
"Q-Quatre!"  
  
He watched his lover chuckle at Duo as he walked towards him. He was dressed in nothing more than one of Trowa's old shirts and it engulfed him, making him seem the epitome of innocence.  
  
Duo stepped aside, and Trowa opened his arms to receive Quatre's light frame into his lap. Quatre snuggled tiredly into him and finally settled with his head resting in the valley between shoulder and neck; his legs were drawn up and also rested in his lap.  
  
"Trowa."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"My wrists hurt a lot."  
  
Gently, Trowa lifted Quatre's hands for examination and nearly flinched at the complete ring of black and blue around each delicate one. He heard the others gasp but chose to ignore them as he brought the painful marks to his lips and kissed them. Quatre sighed in contentment.  
  
"I felt someone else brush your mind; it must have been Corinne. I got jealous."  
  
Trowa smiled. "I told her that we'd found another way, I wanted her to see it worked. But I think your bruises have scared our friends. We should explain before Duo tries to kill me."  
  
Quatre mocked a whine before smiling suggestively at Duo. "We bought the fur trimmed handcuffs but they required assembly and we got impatient." He giggled at Duo's shocked expression and those of everyone around them before snuggling deeper into Trowa's body. Then he looked at Duo and offered him a huge smile.  
  
"Trowa found another way-he answered all the right questions and didn't hurt me. The bruises-I did them myself. I struggled because I was afraid. I shouldn't have been; Trowa knew he had to give, not take away." He turned back to look at Trowa and placed a passionate kiss on his lips. "I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Quatre."  
  
"Wait a minute! You mean you didn't have too.too.um.you know."  
  
Quatre giggled again. "Nope, he just forced me to realize that I was loved. I didn't want to hear it, so Trowa had to hold me down long enough for me to get it through my head. That's where the bruises came from. But it's really different now, Duo. I can feel my mind-my thoughts and emotions solidifying together. I know what's the absolute truth now and I know certain things never have to be questioned again. I know." He turned to Trowa and hugged him tightly.  
  
"Um, so you're saying your better now?"  
  
Quatre sighed. "No, not completely. It's going to take me a long time, and some things just won't ever feel better to me. But I know who my family is now, and I know whom I have to protect." Quatre kissed him again, and he wrapped him even more tightly into him.  
  
"Um-"  
  
"Duo, shut up for a minute. Trowa, how are you?"  
  
Trowa looked to Heero and smiled. "I'm fine. Perhaps a little shaken, but fine. Like Quatre said, I know who my family is, and I know whom I have to protect."  
  
"I'll take care of you, Trowa."  
  
"And I'll take care of you too, little one."  
  
A meowing sound suddenly drifted up from the floor, and Quatre leaned over and picked up the beautiful kitten.  
  
"Don't worry, Star, Trowa and I both will take care of you. Hn, Trowa?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
A little while later, after Quatre explained that his mind had fused thought and emotion as one and was currently bridging the gap between his unconscious thoughts and desires with his conscious one. They sat in companionable silence. Sally was kneeling before them, checking Quatre's bruised wrists and administering gel-wraps to ice them.  
  
"These are pretty bad but not broken or sprained; you're very lucky."  
  
"I am, aren't I?" He said it cheekily, looking at Trowa and smiling.  
  
"How about the rest of you? Any other pain?"  
  
A slight blush flooded Quatre's skin-then to Sally's shock, he said, "Um, no, I'll be fine."  
  
The laughter that echoed thought the room ended the months of tension and pain. Finally, after twelve years of suffering, Quatre was whole again. After a lifetime of confusion, he'd found himself in a pair of emerald green eyes and arms honed strong in a circus. The past was grim, but the future was brighter than the sun in July.  
  
"Wait a second!" Duo nearly stood from the floor where he was kneeling next to the chair Quatre was sitting in. "I've got one more question before this whole thing is over."  
  
A bit stunned, Quatre nodded at the seriousness in Duo's tone.  
  
"Just where the hell did you disappear too for three days anyway?"  
  
Quatre's roars of laughter stunned them all until Trowa turned to him in expectation.  
  
Blushing a little, Quatre just shrugged his shoulders. "I wasn't anywhere. I figured if I just kept driving around no one would find me. Who knew that I'd actually be right?" Quatre offered a weak smile as the other faces in the room looked at him with slightly angry expressions. "Hey, you guys aren't the only ones who can keep a low profile."  
  
Trowa gave up the pretenses of anger, tucking Quatre's head under his chin and offering his beloved a tight squeeze. "No more running, anymore, got it?"  
  
In his arms, Quatre turned to smile at him, planting a kiss on the underside of his chin. "Why would I want to be anywhere but here? Everyone I love is in this room. My family is in this room."  
  
"Yeah we love you too, Q. Now promise on scouts honor never to run off again, ever!"  
  
Quatre just smiled and closed his eyes to rest. He was home and safe, loved and loving in return. It was time for him to begin again.  
  
A new life. 


	26. Chapter 24 END ACT 1

* * *  
  
"She said L3 I'm not sure which colony."  
  
"Quatre! There are literally dozens of colonies in L3, not to mention satellites! We don't even know what we're looking for!"  
  
"Yes we do. I already told you-"  
  
"Yeah we know! A little boy with brown hair and stone gray eyes; we've heard you talking about it for months. That doesn't mean we can just ask the nice terrorists to allow the kids to send out an SOS!"  
  
"Duo!"  
  
"Quatre!"  
  
It had been nearly two weeks since that fateful morning. Since then, Quatre had steadily improved. His mind, now completely devoid of doubt, had rearranged itself. Corinne had said that when empaths learned to cope with their talents and learned to express emotion through word and action and not through their abilities, it often happened. Because of the lack of training, Quatre had been using his abilities to block pain but now he was able to work through it, and slowly-with Trowa's help-that was exactly what he was doing.  
  
It'd taken him a few days to allow his mind to process all the new thoughts, but it had been worth it. He couldn't remember ever thinking this clearly, ever feeling this light and happy. It rivaled the first time he'd been with Trowa. It rivaled the feeling he'd had that he'd protected just one person.  
  
"Duo, stop yelling. Quatre, calm down; we'll find them."  
  
Trowa's stern voice gave the two friends pause, and they stepped away from each other and moved to their respective partners for comfort. Quatre sheepishly looked up at Trowa to find a smile spread across his face. Smiling brightly, he threw himself at Trowa and reveled in the feel of strong arms about him.  
  
Things had been different between himself and Trowa as well. It wasn't so much a large change as much as a shift in roles. Trowa now provided a lot of the comfort that Quatre had originally in the relationship, while Quatre kicked back and got extremely pampered. Where once Quatre would have left little notes of love and affection, he now found messages taped to the mirror in the bathroom-which had been completely redone since two weeks before. It was more out in the open, however, that the changes became very apparent.  
  
Trowa, who was once very quiet and reserved, now openly paraded around with Quatre at his side. Now it was Trowa who told him not to worry about people seeing them together, that they were just jealous. And Quatre loved it, had craved it since he'd been a little boy, stifled from knowing true affection. Trowa had given him what he'd needed for a very long time.  
  
To be fair, things stayed much the same at home, though. It was Quatre who still stalked Trowa into the bedroom; and it was Quatre who provided all the comfort Trowa needed when they made love. It was as if they'd both finally learned how to truly live-as if they'd found that place where, together, they could live the rest of their lives in happiness.  
  
"Sorry, Quatre. It's just this thing is driving me crazy! I don't know how we're suppose to find a needle in the entire universe!"  
  
He turned his head away from Trowa's chest to look at Duo. "It's ok. I know it seems impossible, but I'm positive we'll find them. This little boy is very important, I can feel it; and the 'her' he's trying to protect is just as important as well."  
  
About a week after he'd run away, the tech. team had completely unscrambled the com signal from Dorothy. He'd cried as he heard her final words again, this time with his own responses added to the com. But the most amazing thing was when Dorothy had explained how she'd betrayed him. Suddenly his mind had clicked onto what she was talking about, and he instantly knew that she'd had something to do with the little boy of his nightmares. As a group they'd pieced together the relevant bits from the final conversation.  
  
Now, days after the funeral, Quatre had no doubt in his mind that he would have forgiven Dorothy. It wasn't in his nature to hate he didn't know how; and that didn't make him weak-like so many had tried to tell him-it made him stronger.  
  
So here they were, around the conference table where over eight months ago, the shattering of his life had all begun. But instead of destroying a life, it had saved one, and now they hoped to save two more.  
  
"Everyone sit down, and let's go over this again." Wufei was seated in the chair closest to the control panel, and so he activated the holo map of the L3 section.  
  
Heero spoke first. "Alright. We know from Catalonia's message that the "children" are somewhere in the L3 section. We also can infer from the conversation that the children are being used as some type of weapon and are most likely genetic since she said 'created'. What else do we know?"  
  
Quatre spoke up. "We know that there is at least one little boy, who has brown hair and stone gray eyes. We know that he's an empath, and somehow he's managing to path directly to me and keep other empaths from knowing, like Corinne. We know he's extremely strong-empathic wise-and he's trying to protect a 'her' from people in white lab coats. From my dream last night, I think the 'her' is another child; that would at least make sense to what Dorothy said. There's this worn out teddy bear that always sits in the same corner, resting on a blanket. I'm not sure, but I think the teddy bear belongs to this little girl. Also, I don't sense any other children in the dream, so I think that it's just the two-the little boy and girl. But again, it's hard to tell."  
  
He felt warmth on his hand and felt Trowa path a small amount of encouragement to him through the link. He smiled back.  
  
"Ok, so that's all we got-"  
  
"No wait!" Duo's voice stopped Wufei from continuing, "We did get that information back from our scout on L5, and we determined that the Tragona faction was actually headquartered in the L3 section. Maybe they're linked? The guy who gave us the tip off did mention something about genetic experiments on children by the faction."  
  
"Duo, that's great! I bet they are linked. Zechs just sent a com telling us he's about to make a move on their main headquarters. If we go along, we might find these children." Quatre was getting excited; this could be it! After so many months of watching that little boy tortured, he wanted nothing more than to save him.  
  
"Hold on, Quatre. We can't just invite ourselves on the mission; we have to finesse our way on. Ok, who's sleeping with Zechs?"  
  
"I will."  
  
"HEERO!!!"  
  
"Anything for the mission."  
  
"I'll show you mission-"  
  
Ten minutes later, the call was up, and Zechs was expecting them. They had two days.  
  
They were getting up to leave when a member of Wufei's squadron came in.  
  
"Mr. Winner?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Sir, there's a Sekurra Winner here to see you. Should I show her in?"  
  
"Sekurra?"  
  
"Yes, Sir."  
  
He paused. Sekurra was his niece-Liteea's daughter. Could he see her? Was he ready? He felt Trowa's presence move up behind him and a warm hand rest on his lower back.  
  
"Lt., please show her in."  
  
"Sir."  
  
Trowa was here; he was ready.  
  
The door opened again, and a small blond girl, about nineteen years old with curly hair down to her waist stepped in. She clutched a backpack to her chest and wore traveling clothes. But her eyes were the thing; they held him, suspended in place, neither able to run forward or retreat. Sekurra.  
  
Suddenly, her face fell, and great tears formed in her eyes. She withdrew into herself for a moment, hugging the backpack closer to herself before she sprung. With lighting speed she ran to Quatre, throwing her arms about his neck.  
  
"Oh, god, you have to believe me! We didn't know, we didn't know!" Great sobs sounded, and he realized he was holding her tightly, pulling her as close to him as he could. Sekurra.  
  
She pulled back, panic setting into her frame as she shook wildly, denying what he'd thought he'd known.  
  
"None of us knew-the Cousins-none of us knew what was going on! The Aunts didn't tell us; even our mothers didn't say anything. Oh, Quatre, we didn't know! None of us knew! You have to believe me, you just have to!" She threw herself at him again, and Quatre could do little more than clutch her shaking body close.  
  
"Shhhh, Sekurra, shhhhh."  
  
"No! No, Quatre, you have to believe me!"  
  
"I believe you, shhhh, it's alright now-"  
  
"How can you say that?! How can you even stand to look at me?" Her voice held panic, and all the fears that go along with losing a dear friend, one had grown up with. He and Sekurra had spent many summers together while Liteea traveled with her husband, leaving Sekurra and himself to play on the estate. She had been his best friend next to Cijen.  
  
He took her face between his hands. "Sekurra, you are my niece, and more than that, you are my friend. I could hardly blame you for following your mother-"  
  
"Oh, you mean the mega bitch from Hell! Trust me, I'm not following her anywhere!"  
  
"Sekurra! Your mom was only looking out for you-"  
  
"Looking out for me!? Uncle Quatre, she was only looking out for her bank account! How could she do this?! How could she ignore family for something so petty as money?! Oh, please Quatre, please believe that I didn't know! If I'd known, I would never have even-I would never-" She broke into loud sobs again, and Quatre tucked her head beneath his chin.  
  
"Shhhh, Sekurra, listen to me. Your mother and aunts-my sisters-did what they thought was right, what they thought they needed to do to protect you and the other cousins. I could never ask you to go against your mothers, not to stand next to me."  
  
"But you don't understand!!! The Aunts-even my mother-they didn't live through the war! They weren't affected by it! Grandfather kept them all hidden from it! But we saw it! The cousins saw it! We watched people we loved die; we watched our friends die fighting both for OZ and against! We know how precious love is; we know how easily it can be stolen away! None of us want anything more than for you to be happy, that's it! None of us care who he is as long as he loves you, and you love him! Love is the most important and precious thing in the universe! We-the Cousins-know that! None of us knew what the Aunts were doing to you. None of us would have allowed any of this to happen if we had!"  
  
She pushed into him again, wrapping her arms around his waist, squeezing him almost painfully. Her words stung and offered hope. Could it be that not all of his family condemned him? He nuzzled her hair.  
  
"Sekurra."  
  
"Quatre, you know me! You know that I've known about your preferences forever! Ever since we were little kids! We've grown up together! Why didn't you tell me?! Why didn't you let me know what was happening to you, what they were doing to you! I would have stopped it. All the Cousins would have stopped it! You're our uncle, our family! And I swear it, none of us, not a single one, care who you want to spend the rest of your life with, or even about the money! And you know me, Quatre, I know all about your desire not to have a genetic, I would never force you to go against your principles for money, not ever! Oh, Uncle Quatre, I'm so, so sorry!"  
  
He kissed her hair, feeling once again as if his family was whole. Even if his sisters couldn't love him, even if they completely gave up on him, that didn't mean his whole family had. Sekurra stood as a testament to that.  
  
"I've missed you, little niece."  
  
"Oh, Allah, I've missed you too, Quatre. Missed you so much!"  
  
Suddenly she pulled away, a bright smile on her face. "Just a second!" With that, she ran to her fallen backpack and ripped it open, pulling out an imaging cartridge. Then just as fast, she was in front of him again, holding out the cartridge.  
  
"This is from the Cousins. Out of your thirty-two nieces and nephews, twenty-six wrote to you. I didn't because I came to visit, and Astare, because he couldn't get to the com unit on his outer spacefleet ship; he wants me to send his love. Beecko and Shenko made it to the meeting, but their mother found out and wouldn't let them send anything; I think she has them locked up or something; but they got a message to me, and I'm supposed to give you a kiss on each cheek for each of them. The others couldn't make it to the meeting, so they still don't know. But do you understand? Of all the Cousins that met, all of them support you. Most of them aren't even talking to their mothers anymore, and I think Traven-you met his boyfriend last time he visited-is thinking of disowning his mother entirely!  
  
"Uncle Quatre, we all believe in you-all of us. Our mothers are stuck in the old ways, where if society didn't agree then it was completely wrong, but don't you see? We're the new generation, people like you and me and the rest of the Cousins. We lived through the war, through the death and destruction; we know when you love someone, nothing else should stand in your way, not money or society norms or anything! Hell, we'll be making the norms pretty soon anyway! But this is yours, like I said, there's a message from almost everyone on here, telling you how much we love you and how we can't wait to see you soon."  
  
She smiled brightly at him before once again embracing him tightly. Quatre couldn't speak; he was too choked up. He just squeezed her tightly and imagined never letting go.  
  
"We all love you, Uncle Quatre. All of us do. We thought-most of us anyway-that we'd done something wrong, and you didn't want to see or talk to us anymore. I thought when I stopped getting letters from you that you'd found out it was me who broke the Arabian vase in the southern hallway during the Winter party. I thought you were so mad you couldn't even stand to look at me. The others felt the same way, too. None of us knew why you'd stopped checking in on us."  
  
He drew in a sharp breath. Could that have been it? Could all of this suffering be nothing more than a misunderstanding?  
  
"No, Sekurra. I didn't even know about the vase. I didn't want to come between you-any of the Cousins-and your mothers. It wasn't my place. But I missed you all so very much, missed talking to you and hearing about school and such. You have so much to tell me, so much I want to know."  
  
She laughed then giggled. "Well, then you'll be happy to know I brought along a box of L1 chocolates-your favorite. We can sit down and eat chocolate and watch your letters; then later we can talk. I've missed you so much, missed our long talks, and I do have so much to tell you! You'll never believe some of the things that have happened to me!"  
  
He laughed, releasing five years worth of worry and fear. He had family, he had Trowa, but now he also had another kind of family; he had his nieces and nephews, and that was enough-really more than any man could ask for.  
  
"That sounds wonderful! We'll go to my quarters and have lunch. Then you can tell me everything."  
  
She smiled radiantly up at him. Sekurra had always seen him as a big brother, he being only two or so years older. Suddenly, though, she blushed and ducked her head. "Sekurra?"  
  
"Um, I know it's kind of.um.well, I was wondering." she whispered, "Is that him?" She pointed conspicuously at Trowa, and all Quatre could do was laugh, a joyous sound that shook his entire body and made Sekurra blush even brighter.  
  
When he'd calmed down, he made introductions.  
  
"Sekurra Winner, my partner, Trowa Barton; Trowa, this is Liteea's daughter, Sekurra."  
  
"Oh, please, please, please, don't hold that against me!"  
  
Trowa smiled and took her hand. But Sekurra had other ideas. Reaching up, she wrapped her hands around his neck and hugged him tightly. Quatre noted with humor that Trowa was nearly completely stunned by the act.  
  
"Oh, gosh, we can't shake hands! You're family now, and family hugs! I'd kiss you, but I think Quatre might start beating me with a stick." She pulled away from Trowa and gave him a wink before looking back at him. "Uh, Quatre, what was it you were always saying? I always got the cute ones." She giggled, and Quatre couldn't help but laugh at that remembered summer.  
  
Sekurra turned back to Trowa then and smiled brightly at him. "You know, Trowa, you're very lucky. Quatre's only two years older than I am, and growing up, I had the biggest crush on him. Oh my gosh, it was so terrible. I know he's my uncle, but obviously you understand what I saw him." She leaned in to whisper to him, "He is so cute!"  
  
He watched, a little stunned, as Trowa and Sekurra laughed. He'd never seen Trowa laugh with any members of his family, ever. It brought him such joy to see it now.  
  
When their laughter had died down, he continued the introductions.  
  
"Sekurra, this is Heero Yuy, Duo Maxwell, and Wufei Chang. They're very dear friends of mine; and this is my niece Sekurra Winner."  
  
"Oh it's so nice to meet you all! Oh, are the two of you together?" She pointed to Duo and Wufei, who instantly sprang apart. Duo went pouting to Heero's arms, while Wufei mumbled about injustice. The others only laughed.  
  
"Oh, Quatre, it's not fair!"  
  
Concerned, Quatre asked, "What's not fair?"  
  
"There aren't any good looking straight guys anymore! How do you expect a girl to get married nowadays?!" They laughed. It was the piece that endeared her to all of their hearts. Duo teased that Wufei was as straight as a board, but when Sekurra turned her eyes on him, it took all of their convincing to get her to believe that he was engaged; at which point, she started to pout.  
  
Then in a strange turn of events, Sekurra turned back to Quatre with a sad expression on her face.  
  
"Um, Uncle Quatre?"  
  
Worried at her sudden change in mood he answered, "Yes?"  
  
"Um, I have one more message for you, but I'm supposed to say one thing and then judge whether or not to give you the message based on how you react. So um, here goes." She took a deep breath, and Quatre felt the tension rise in his body instantly; this didn't sound good.  
  
"Cijen Winner." It was all she said, nothing more, and Quatre felt his body stiffen at the name of his most beloved sister. Sekurra saw it as well. "Ok, never mind. Just pretend I didn't say anything."  
  
"No Sekurra, what is it?" His voice was tight, laced with the anger he still felt towards her betrayal.  
  
"Are you sure, Quatre? Actually now that I think about it, maybe we should wait until we're alone; it isn't exactly something you'd want everyone to hear."  
  
He shook his head. "You don't seem too upset about it."  
  
"Upset?! Oh, let me tell you! It took all my strength not to punch the living daylights out of her when I found out she'd been a part of the 'Bitches of Winner' club! But she's the one who brought us together and told all the Cousins about what had been going on. Cijen was the one who stood against my mother last time, and now none of the Aunts will even talk to her! She's not allowed on any of the estates, and I heard from Jenaunna, that she's been thrown out of the company she's been dancing for because Janaunna's mother, Aunnanda, owns the company! After all she's done to you, she totally deserves to suffer-and I mean a lot-but this is terrible."  
  
"She-she called you all together?"  
  
"Yeah, she told me you might not believe that one. But it's true. She called us all together. It took about a month for us all to meet, but when we did five days ago, on L2, she told us what had been going on and the part she'd played in it all. See, that's the message, she wants me to explain why she did what she did, and believe me, you're not going to believe the answer. She said you'd refused to see any of your sisters, and if any of them contacted you, bad things would happen. I can understand how you'd had enough of them.  
  
"Anyway, she wanted me to tell you the reasons, and then if you wanted to see her, she left a com code for you to call. Now I'm not going to say her reasons were right, or even logical, but she was crying, and I mean really bawling when she told us. But Traven's a little empathic, and he started to cry too, he told me later she really was sorry, and that she'd only been looking out for you. But, maybe," she looked worriedly at Trowa for a moment, "Maybe, we should wait until later."  
  
He shook his head, knowing he couldn't hear about Cijen without Trowa around.  
  
"Sekurra, please tell me now. It'll be easier for me if you tell me now." Suddenly, Trowa was behind him, wrapping his arms about his body, holding him close. He saw Sekurra's eyes soften, and she smiled faintly at Trowa.  
  
"She was right about you, Trowa, you are good to our Quatre." She pressed on, ignoring the shocked look on both Quatre and Trowa's faces, not to mention the other three. "Aunt Cijen wanted me to tell you this. First off, that she loves you. That even though it didn't seem that way, she's always been looking out for you. She wants you to understand that she did everything-from saying those awful things to you, to even standing against you-it was all her way of trying to protect you.  
  
"It seems she wasn't sure that Trowa could take care of you. She and I know better than the other sisters just how hard of a past you've had, and she wanted someone who could take care of you. She knew that you weren't as.strong as you pretended to be. She didn't think that Trowa could love you the way you needed to be loved. So she tried to get you to side with her. She figured that you'd choose family over Trowa and would leave him; in that way, she could find you someone who could take care of you. You know Cijen, always acting like an overbearing mother.  
  
"But when it didn't work, she tried more desperate measures. She didn't tell me what she said, but I gather you know what she's talking about." He nodded his head, his heart filling with hope.  
  
"Well, I guess when Trowa made them leave at gun point, she began to wonder if that was true. I guess she thought any guy willing to kill ten bitches from Hell to protect his lover was a good guy."  
  
"You threatened to shoot my sisters?" Quatre looked up, stunned at Trowa's actions. His lover only nodded his head. "When?"  
  
"The last time they were here. I didn't tell you because I knew it would upset you."  
  
Quatre nodded. "Tell me what else."  
  
"Oh, right. Anyway, I guess the potential death by bullet got her thinking that maybe Trowa was alright after all. But I guess the real kicker was just about a month ago. I gather they placed a call through your private line, and, um, got quite a show." She smiled, trying her best not to giggle. "Anyway, seeing you and Trowa happy together just broke her heart. Well, what I mean is, she couldn't believe that she hadn't seen how happy you were together. She was just crying by this point, Uncle Quatre. She kept saying that she'd made a huge mistake, and that she'd understand if you never forgave her ever. But I think she really was just trying to look out for you. I mean she basically raised you, and she just wanted the best for you. When she saw you with Trowa, I think she realized that not only were you not going to leave him, but that you shouldn't, and more than that, she'd basically destroyed your guys' relationship. She kept saying she was sorry over and over. We seriously thought we were going to have to sedate her!"  
  
Quatre could hardly breath. Was it true? Had it all been Cijen's trying to protect him? She'd commented once about Koeran being able to protect him and love him the right way; had she seriously thought that Trowa couldn't love him the right way? But could he blame her? He'd had is own doubts at one time. Could this not have been betrayal, but his sister trying to take care of him? He didn't know, but he wanted to believe so; with all his heart and soul.  
  
"I-I think I may owe my sister a call. We may have some things we need to straighten out."  
  
"Not without me there, you don't." Trowa's arms tightened around Quatre's body, and he felt the protectiveness flow through the link.  
  
He looked up to Trowa and offered a watery smile. "No, not without you."  
  
Satisfied, Trowa eased his crushing grip.  
  
"That is so cute! You guys are so cute together!" Sekurra stood with a dazed look in her eye. Sekurra, sighed. "I'm so jealous! I so need a boyfriend!"  
  
They laughed, once again releasing the tension in the room. Duo took Sekurra about the shoulders and promised to introduce her to all the soldiers in the barracks. Heero had to threaten bodily harm if he even tried to take her down there-to which Sekurra proceeded to pout the rest of the way to Quatre and Trowa's rooms. Quatre watched the letters, seeing a side of his family he hadn't known existed-the side that still cared about him. And then, later, he'd think about his sister; he'd sit down with Trowa and think about her message and decide once and for all if he could believe her. 


End file.
